by Ivory Quinn
She must have drifted off because she awoke when Blue shifted underneath her. “Sorry.” He whispered, gently lifting her head to move his arm. There was a soft knock at the door and she realised that’s what must have awoken him. He pulled a blanket over her and went to answer the door in just his shirt as she slowly surfaced to full wakefulness.
“Just wanted to know how it went this afternoon.” She heard Master Henway’s voice out in the hall and Blue chuckled good-naturedly.
“She’s a natural. Curious, intelligent and strong. She’ll be fine.” His voice dropped low as he said something he obviously didn’t want her to hear, and Cal made a curious choking noise.
“Glad to hear it. I’ll expect her around the same time tomorrow then.”
“I’ll see her home.” Blue came back in and pushed the door closed behind him.
“What time is it?” Noelle stretched and winced. The damn corset was digging into her side.
“About five o’clock. Don’t worry; we didn’t sleep too long.” As she sat up, he started working on the buttons of his shirt, pulling it away from his broad shoulders. “Come on over here sleepyhead and I’ll get you out of that corset.”
“Oh thank god.” She gave him a cheeky grin and slid to the edge of the bed. “I was starting to wonder if I’d ever breathe again.”
“Red, you’re about to turn that bare naked arse of yours my way. I’d tone down the cheek if I was you.” Swiftly rethinking her position, Noelle pulled a sheet from the bed and knotted it around her waist before turning to the post. Blue chuckled under his breath. “If you think a sheet would stop me, you’re not as smart as I gave you credit for.” He said, shaking his head.
“Maybe not, but I’m sure if you got tangled up in it I could make my escape.” She held on for dear life as he pulled at the knots. “You’re a big guy. I must be able to run faster than you.”
“I think my legs are twice as long as yours.” He joked. “I’d only have to take half as many steps.”
“Whatever.” She shook her head, having the good grace to know she was on a losing slide.
“Talking of running, what’s your exercise routine?” He asked, finally getting the knot undone. “Doing this can take a lot of body strength. Do you lift weights? Do any sort of resistance training?”
“No.” She blushed. “I do yoga classes twice a week and sometimes Pilates, but other than that I just walk lots.”
“Then we need to work you up an exercise routine.” He was about a quarter of the way up her back now. “I’ll talk it over with Storm.”
“Whatever you think I need.” She smiled over her shoulder at him and he stopped what he was doing with a pained expression.
“Do you have to be so eager to learn?” He demanded plaintively. “Seriously? You’ll give me a guilt complex.”
“Guilt? Why would you be guilty?”
“Because I could tell you anything and you’d assume it was for the best.” He went back to working on the laces. “When you give me an opening like that, do you have any idea how hard it is to restrain myself from telling you that you need to do something utterly depraved with me?”
“I’m not a complete idiot.” She retorted, amused. “I think I’d know if you were making something up just to please the banana.”
“The what?” Genuinely confused, he stopped again.
“You know...the banana.” She blushed. “You keep calling me Little Monkey and monkeys like...well...bananas.”
He mouthed the words silently to himself and then creased almost double with laughter. He howled with mirth until his eyes were watering and he couldn’t hold himself upright. Shaking her head, still flushed bright red, Noelle worked the rest of the laces loose herself until she could finally take a proper breath. The air had never tasted so sweet.
“I’m going for a shower.” She nudged the giggling heap on the floor as she passed, laying the corset carefully on the end of the bed, but he didn’t respond. Men...
Blue pulled up outside Jax’s house and made an irritated noise. “I forgot; I was going to give you some documents.” He flicked the steering wheel in frustration. “Have you got a pen in your bag somewhere?”
“Yeah.” She rummaged around until she found an ancient biro that had seen better days and handed it over. Taking her hand, he scrawled a word on the back of it. Noelle squinted at it and screwed her nose up. “I can’t read it.” She admitted. “What does it say?”
Sighing, he took her hand back and tried to make the letters a little clearer. “It says ‘Algolagnia’. I want you to read up on the condition before tomorrow so you have some idea of what we’ll be dealing with.”
She mouthed the word silently, trying to make sense of his terrible writing. “Sure, I’ll look it up. Is this tomorrow’s client?”
“Yes.” He surprised her with a smile like a sunburst. “Thomas is a very rare and special case. You’ll be lucky if you meet even three people like him in your lifetime.”
“Can’t you even give me a hint? What if I read it wrong and can’t find what I’m looking for?” She was exhausted from her day and it was bad enough that she was being given homework without him getting all cryptic over it.
“Algolagnia is a medical condition where the body interprets pain as pleasure.” He explained. “It’s very different to masochism though. It’s a biological mechanism rather than a psychological one. That’s why I want you to read up on it – it’s unusual and although, as a dominant, it’s an extraordinary experience, it can also be a lot more dangerous than standard play. A normal sub will safeword when they’ve reached their limits. An algolagniac won’t know they’ve reached their limits. You could permanently maim one and they’d have an orgasm while you were doing it.”
“Oh. I see.” She stared at the word on her hand with a healthy new respect for the responsibility that came with being a mistress. She wasn’t sure at this stage that she was confident enough to know somebody’s limits better than they knew their own.
“Don’t look so worried.” He grinned. “I’ll let you get involved tomorrow but it’ll be closely supervised.”
“I should hope so.” She made herself smile up at him. “Thanks for today, Blue. It’s been...an education.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll come and get you in the morning, save Jax a trip. I’m sure he’s a busy man.”
She grinned wryly at him. “And you’re not? I can drive myself, you know.” Not to mention that she had a whole garage of cars, worth in excess of a million pounds. “I’ll bring my own car in and then I you don’t have to worry about dropping me off at home.”
“This is not up for discussion.” He said bluntly. “You might be fine coming in, but you might not be fine going home. Leave the damn car here and be ready at ten o’clock sharp.”
“It’s not half as sexy when you’re bossing me around.” She frowned. “I wanted to go to church tomorrow. If I bring my own car, I can go to the evening service afterwards.”
Blue gritted his teeth. “I will take you to church if that’s where you want to go, but will you, just this once, do as you’re damn well told!”
“But it doesn’t make any sense!” She protested. “How am I going to get home from church? You’ll have to come all the way out here and back in the morning and then all the way out here and back in the evening and then Jax will have to come and fetch me.”
“I’m sure Jax won’t mind.” He undid his seatbelt. “In fact, I’ll come in and ask him myself right now.”
“Why?” She stared at him, genuinely confused. “Why is this an issue?”
“Because...” He swallowed whatever he had been about to say, closed his eyes and prayed for patience. “Noelle, please will you just trust me to know what’s best for you in this. I just want you to be safe. If it bothers you that much calling Jax out, I’ll stay for the service with you.”
She tried to picture sitting next to him in the church and smothered a grin. “Blue, if you come to church with me I’m not sure
anyone will be focusing on the sermon. Pastor James will think I’ve brought the devil amongst them.”
“Consider it a test of faith.” He wasn’t backing down, despite the corners of his lips curling up at her remarks.
“Fine.” She gave in, shaking her head. “I’ll be ready at ten. Have a nice night, Blue.”
“You too, Little Monkey.”
Rolling her eyes at the nickname, she jumped out of the car and waved at him as she headed up the steps to Jax’s house. He’d given her keys so she let herself in and waved again at Blue as the car pulled away. These overbearing, overprotective men...she shook her head ruefully. It was nice in some ways, but in other ways it was smothering.
“Is that you, Noelle?” Jax called from the living room and she grinned.
“Yes.” She tossed her keys on the table and stripped her coat off, heading into the house to find him. “Are you hungry?” She leaned against the doorframe of the living room, smiling as he set his guitar aside and stretched.
“Starving.” He admitted, getting up and coming over to give her a hug.
“I’ll get the dinner on straight away then.” She slid her arms around him and breathed in deeply. He smelled of warmth and comfort and home and it made her indescribably sad. Swallowing tears, she squeezed him tightly.
“How did it go today?” He asked hesitantly and she shrugged, without letting go.
“Parts of it were good...helpful. Some of it I’ll need to think about.” Her afternoon with Blue had been fun and she couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed like that, but her conversation with the enigmatic Master of the house in the morning was still weighing heavily on her mind. “Come sit in the kitchen with me.” She reluctantly released him and he followed her through, sitting on one of the high stools while she started getting dinner together.
“So...” He began awkwardly. “You want to talk about it?”
She put down the packet of chicken she was holding and raised her eyes to his face. “I owe you an apology, Jax.” The words tried to stick in her throat, but she forced them out, determined to put things right. “I’ve been so selfish and I’ve taken you completely for granted. I just want you to know that I know now and I’ll try to be a better person. I’m so sorry.”
He frowned. “You haven’t-...”
“Yes I have.” She didn’t let him argue. “Jax, I’ve lived here more than I’ve lived on my own, and I have two damn houses. I’ve cried all over you and ranted at you from dawn to dusk. I’ve assumed too much and reciprocated too little. I know you’re a good and kind man and you want me to be okay, but that doesn’t mean my behaviour has been right.”
“You’ve been grieving.” He tried to excuse her behaviour, wanting to cheer her up, but she was firm.
“So have you.” She pointed out. “I had Gabriel for a few months. You’ve loved him for most of a lifetime. Of the two of us, it feels like you’ve lost more.”
“But I like having you here.” He seemed genuinely bewildered by her apology. “Just having you around helps with my sadness.”
“And why is that?” She asked gently. “Why do you let me sleep with you and laze around on your sofa? Why do you let me eat you out of house and home and use you as a taxi service? Why-?” She was cut off by the phone ringing and she answered it because she was closest.
“Hi Noelle, it’s Father James.” The pastor sounded cheerful and Noelle found herself brightening in response. The pastor had been an invaluable comfort to her in the months after Gabriel’s death. He’d visited faithfully every week, talking calmly through her fears and providing a stable rock to cling to when her emotions were just too much.
“Hi Father. How are things?”
“Pretty good thanks, and you?”
“I think I’ve turned a corner.” She replied honestly.
“That’s great to hear!” His enthusiasm was infectious and she smiled reassuringly at Jax, who was looking a little lost at the counter. “Listen, I was calling to ask if you wanted to come for lunch at the rectory tomorrow.” He asked and her face fell.
“I’m so sorry, Father James, I have an appointment tomorrow that’s going to last all day. I was planning to come to evensong instead of the morning service.” Genuinely miserable about losing an opportunity to have lunch with the kindly older man, she leaned against the wall.
“Perhaps a late dinner then?” He suggested. “We’ll be out by half eight. I’m sure Mrs Breckeridge won’t mind delaying the roast to the evening meal.”
“Roast?” Noelle’s mouth watered. “That sounds wonderful. I’d like that very much.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” He laughed. “Is young Jaxon coming with you? He’d be more than welcome to stop for dinner too.”
“I’ll ask him but I’m sure he’d love to.” Jax never turned down a good dinner.
“Wonderful. Well I’ll see you at evensong then, Noelle.”
“Take care, Father.” They said their goodbyes and she smiled fondly at the phone. He was such a good man...it was hard to be angry at God when he had such fearsomely kind creatures on his side. She relayed the conversation to Jax and he smiled.
“That man...he’s almost enough to make me want to be religious.”
“Me too.” Noelle grinned. “God and I still haven’t sorted out our differences, but in the last six months Father James been the closest thing I’ve had to a father in the last ten years.”
“He’s a good man.” Jax agreed wistfully, no doubt thinking back to his younger days with Gabriel when the kindly pastor had been all that kept them on the straight and narrow. Leaving him to his thoughts, she carried on making the dinner.
She was gently simmering down a herb and cream sauce when Jax cleared his throat. “What you said...before.” He blushed as she turned to him, but raised his chin. “It’s because I love you.” She was so startled at the confession, she just stared dumbly at him. “I think I have since I met you.” He admitted, the words tumbling out now that the floodgates had opened. “Gabe had told us so much about you and then when we met you, you were everything he said and more. So funny and fiery and sweet...and your food...!” He made an inarticulate noise of satisfaction. “And then you started coming here all the time and I started to want to protect and care for you. I hated that you were so broken. I’d have done anything to make it right. And you’re so small and soft and perfect that I just...” He took a deep breath. “I’m going to shut up now.” She kept staring at him and he winced, seeming to close in on himself. “Please say something, Noelle.”
“I just...give me a minute.” She turned all the hobs off and came around to sit next to him, taking his hands in her own. “I have some difficult things to say and I need you to hear me out, okay?” She met his eyes and he nodded, looking defeated. “Jax, you’ve been the anchor of my world for the last six months. I don’t know what I’d have done without you and you are, without doubt, the kindest and most generous guy I think I’ve ever met in my life. You have every right to be a grade A jerk and proud of it, but instead you’re warm and selfless and everything that’s good in my world.” She took a deep breath. “But I’m changing, Jax. I’m in such...turmoil. And you deserve better. Right here, right now, in this moment in time, I am just not worthy of your love.”
He opened his mouth to speak and she silenced him with gentle fingers, tears trying to claw their way out of her throat. “I’m not saying never. I’m just asking you to wait for me. I want to be the best woman I can be for you and until I’ve let go of all my demons, I’m not going to be that woman. I want to come to you whole, Jaxon.” The tears did spill over then and she swiped them away. “I don’t want anything we have to be tainted by what’s going on inside my head.”
“How long?” There was so much pain and hope tangled in his eyes that it hurt to look at him.
“I don’t know.” She whispered, stricken. “But I feel like I’m on the right path finally. Today...it opened my eyes.”
“Noelle, you don’t n
eed to be fixed for me.” He interlaced his fingers with hers. “I love you even when you’re broken.”
“I know.” The tears kept falling and sobs racked her body as she tried to hold them in, great shuddering breaths fighting to be free of her lungs. “But I can’t give you all of me when half of me still belongs to him...to Gabriel. Let me let him go.”
For a long time he just stared at her, his hands warm and comforting in hers, and then he got to his feet. “Come with me.” He pulled her up and took her to the living room, where he picked up his guitar and sat down. She sat next to him, wondering what he was doing, and then he strummed the first few chords of a Coldplay song that was so achingly sweet, poignant and familiar that she broke down completely. Sliding off the sofa, she wrapped her arms around his legs and sobbed as he sang for her the only words that made sense to him. He sang of guiding her home, of being too in love to let it go and of his determination to try and fix her. As he sang the last two words, his voice broke and he pushed his guitar aside, pulling her onto his lap. They clung to each other and cried, but they were tears of hope. They’d opened their hearts and whatever happened next was full of possibility.
Chapter nine
When they finally made it back to the kitchen, dinner was barely salvageable and they sat at the small table to eat it, trying to make each other smile.
“I was thinking of selling the houses.” She announced suddenly as they were eating and Jax’s fork stopped halfway to his mouth.
“Both of them? Why?”
“Because everything’s different now.” She shrugged. “I’m different; my life is different. I need to let go. As much as I love Gabriel’s house, and I really do, it’s his and it’ll always remind me of him. I don’t think that’s healthy.”
“Can’t you just redecorate it?”
“It’d have to be a pretty drastic change to erase my memories from there.” She admitted. “I don’t know if it can be done and it would be a shame to just get rid of all that specialist recording equipment.”