by Ivory Quinn
“True.” He chewed thoughtfully. “And what about your house? Why would you sell that?”
“Because I never stay there and it’s from ‘before’.” She shook her head. “Gabriel was this huge line right down the middle of my life. I keep thinking of everything in terms of before and after Gabriel, and everything that went before feels like it’s not mine any more. I don’t want or need it. I was thinking about building somewhere new to go with my fresh start.”
“That’s a good idea.” He smiled approvingly. “Something that has the best of both houses, but is all you.”
“That’s what I thought.” She nodded, glad he thought it was a good idea. “Do you think Pastor James would accept my house for a nominal sum so he can open a home for troubled kids?”
“I...” Jax’s jaw dropped and he put his fork down. “I’m sure he would, but what made you think of that?”
“It doesn’t sit comfortably with me that Gabriel didn’t leave him anything after all Pastor James did for him.”
Jax looked amused. “Noelle, Gabe donated hundreds of thousands of pounds to that church while he was alive. They’re not hurting for money.”
That was true. “It’s not like I need the money either, and the house is in a good part of town.” She pointed out. “I’d like to think it’s being used for something good.”
“Talk it over with him tomorrow, see what he says.” He started eating again, even though his pasta had gone sticky. “So what else did Cal have to say to you today?” He asked curiously.
“You mean the earth shattering revelations about our not-quite relationship weren’t enough?” She teased.
“I can’t believe it took him all day to give you a slap upside the head and tell you there’s a gorgeous guy ready and waiting for you.” He teased back.
“Oh, so you think Blue’s gorgeous too, huh?” She shook her head. “I won’t tell him that.”
“You hung out with Blue?” Jax’s face instantly lined with concern.
“He’s training me.” She replied, not quite understanding why he was worried about that. “What’s wrong? He’s a great guy.”
“The Blue? As in Master Blue?” Jax repeated disbelievingly and Noelle nodded.
“It’s all an act, Jax. He refers to me as a little monkey. He’s not very scary in person.”
“That’s not...” He took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m just scared that he’s going to do to you what Gabe did and you don’t deserve to go through that again.”
“Blue isn’t going to try and dominate me.” Noelle reassured him, finally understanding why he was so upset. “He’s bringing out my confidence and sass. Cal wouldn’t have entrusted me to him if he didn’t think it was the right way to fix me.” She didn’t know how she could be so sure about that, but she was. “I have counselling with Cal in the morning and then I spend the afternoon with Blue. They wouldn’t build me up just to knock me down.”
“Well...if you’re sure...” He trailed off unhappily, but Noelle nodded firmly.
“I’m sure. This is the right thing, Jax. It’s not going to be an easy ride, but then nothing worth doing ever is.”
They looked at each other and then both burst out laughing. “Except Janine.” They chorused, referring to an inside joke with the band. Janine was one of their most ardent groupies and was a very easy ride but was apparently worth doing because she sucked like a vacuum and clearly practised her Kegel exercises. At one time or another, all the band members except Gabriel had slept with her.
“Speaking of Janine, John’s been asking us to think about doing a farewell tour.” Jax admitted, pushing his plate away.
“How can you tour?” Noelle blinked. “You haven’t got a lead singer.”
“He was going on about some sort of projection or hologram.” Jax didn’t really understand it so he didn’t even try to explain. “They have enough recordings of his voice to play him singing over the music. One big, grand goodbye before the band splits up.”
The thought made her heart bleed. “Do you have to break up?” She whispered. “Can’t you find another singer?”
He shrugged. “We work well together and we’re like brothers, but we can’t be Darkness Falls without Darkness Falls. Even if we stay together as a musical unit, Gabe used to write all our songs. Taking on a new lead singer will completely change the direction of our music.” His eyes softened. “Hey, don’t be upset. He’ll be forever young and beautiful in the eyes of the world. He won’t have to suffer the indignity of dying bloated in a toilet somewhere like Elvis or morphing slowly into leatherette like Cliff Richard.”
“But it was such a fucking selfish thing to do.” She snapped, colour rising high in her cheeks. “Just because I understand why he did it, doesn’t mean I don’t think he was a complete bastard for leaving you guys high and dry.” There wasn’t a lot he could say to that, so he just shrugged.
“We’ve got a meeting on Wednesday to talk about the direction of the band and how we all feel about going on tour.”
“If you do go, how long will you be away for?” She asked, wondering how long she’d be on her own.
“Probably eight months.” He replied. “It’ll be an international tour, not just Britain. But if we do go, I think we were all hoping you’d come with us.”
“Why?” She blurted out before she could stop herself, and blushed. “I mean, I love you guys, but it’s kind of my fault you’re breaking up.”
“Noelle, how many times do I have to tell you that it wasn’t your fault Gabriel killed himself?” He shook his head and got up to clear the plates. She wanted to tell him that Cal thought Gabriel had chosen her specifically for that purpose, but on reflection she realised it wouldn’t help the situation. Ducking her head, she let him bring her a bowl of ice cream and then went to do her homework.
That night as they went to bed, she cuddled in Jax’s familiar arms and breathed a sigh of contentment. The skin of his chest was smooth and warm beneath her cheek and the muscles of his abdomen rippled beneath her forearm as she curled around him. In the moonlight she could just make out the tattoo over his heart. She’d never asked him about any of his ink, but that one was especially beautiful. With a gentle finger, she traced over the whorls and swirls that made up the rose, which was shaded with tiny words in some script she couldn’t read.
“What are you thinking about?” He asked and she smiled.
“Your tattoos.”
“Do they bother you?”
Surprised, she raised her head and looked at him. “Of course not. Why would they bother me?”
“I don’t know.” She could feel his skin heating as he blushed. “You’re a classy lady. I thought you might think they were common or something.”
She barely suppressed a snort. “Hardly. I actually think they’re pretty sexy.”
“Good to know.” He grinned, his teeth flashing in the dim moonlight filtering in through the curtains. His hand stroked up and down her back subconsciously, like she was a comfort blanket, and, with her newly awakened sexuality, it made her skin tingle. Forcing down her wanton thoughts, she rested her head back on his chest.
“Night, Jax.”
“Night.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head and she closed her eyes, safe in the knowledge that nothing could harm her here.
She awoke to find Jax wrapped around her. He was awake but hadn’t wanted to disturb her, so he was just enjoying some quiet time spooning with his favourite lady. “You didn’t have a nightmare.” Joy filled every note of his voice when he told her. “Not one peep, all night.”
“That’s great!” She mumbled sleepily, stretching into a smile. Rolling over in his arms, she smiled across at him on the pillow. “I’m surprised you aren’t singing the hallelujah chorus. God knows I must have woken you up dozens of times these last few months.”
“I wanted to, but you looked so cute sleeping I couldn’t bear to wake you up.” He grinned, transforming his features into something dazzlin
g. He’d never have Gabriel’s classic perfection but there was something so endearing about his blue eyes and early morning stubble. “I know I said I’d wait for you, but now that it’s all out in the open I’d really like to kiss you.” It wasn’t a question and he leaned across and pressed his lips to hers. It was so soft and sweet that Noelle’s eyes welled up as she gave into him. She didn’t deserve this kind and generous man. She was too dark, too damaged, and yet he was kissing her as though she was something so unbelievably precious.
He broke away. “Why are you crying?” Brushing some hair from her forehead, he smiled down at her. “I’m not that bad at kissing, am I?”
“No.” She smiled, even though her eyes were watering. “You just make me feel so...cherished. They’re not sad tears. They’re happy tears.”
“Well that’s okay then.” Still smiling, he kissed her again, gently darting his tongue against the seam of her lips until she surrendered her mouth to him. Her tears were forgotten as heat ignited between them, searing and curling across their skins in tongues of flame and silk. Without thinking, Jax moved over her, pressing the long, lean weight of his body against hers as he devoured her mouth. His hand slid under her T-shirt and held onto the curve of her hip as he rocked into her.
“Jax!” She gasped, breaking the kiss as she felt his erection pressing into her belly through the fabric of his boxers.
“I’m not apologising.” He said fiercely, kissing her forehead. “See what you do to me, woman. This” he rocked into her again “is for you.” She was about to reply when the alarm went off and she groaned instead. Jax chuckled and reached across to silence it. “Saved by the bell!” He quipped and she grimaced.
“Cold showers all round.”
“You’ll live.” He kissed her forehead and slid off her. “Go do what you have to. I’ll make breakfast.”
“You, sir, are an officer and a gentleman.” Smiling, she pushed herself out of the bed and went to get ready for another gruelling day at the mansion.
“You’re looking happier today.” Blue remarked as she got in his car and she smiled.
“This, my friend, is what eight hours sleep looks like.” She grinned. “I don’t know what switch yesterday flicked, but that’s the first time I haven’t had nightmares for about three months.”
“Glad to hear it.” He waited until she had fastened her seatbelt and nodded to Jax, who was standing in the doorway watching her leave, before pulling away from the kerb and heading for the mansion.
“You don’t need to stay with me tonight.” She remembered suddenly. “Jax is meeting me at church – we’re having dinner with Pastor James.”
“I might stay anyway.” He grinned across at her. “I’m sure it wouldn’t kill me to do something halfway respectable every once in a while.”
She frowned. “That’s up to you, but I get the feeling there’s some bad blood between you and Jax. Do you want to enlighten me before I end up having to break up a fist fight in church?”
Blue’s face instantly closed down. “I lost my temper, I’ll admit that, but he had it coming to him.”
“Who did? Jax?” Astonished, she turned sideways in her seat to watch him.
“No. Gabriel.” He sighed. “It was a long time ago, Red. I can’t believe Jax would hold enough of a grudge to be bothered with it after all this time.”
“He just warned me to be careful. He thought you might try and dominate me.”
Blue grinned across at her. “Red, I’d love to have you in my play room, but I’m not going to do it until you ask me.” He turned back to the road. “In his defence, he has only seen me at my worst. I totally flipped out that night and it was the first and last time he ever saw me.”
She couldn’t imagine Blue losing it. In the playroom he’d been so cold and collected. “What happened?” She asked curiously. “Must have been pretty bad for you to lose it.”
“Let’s just say that one of my favourite subs was returned to me in less than stellar condition.” His face had gone impassive again and his jaw twitched at the memory. “I drove out there and let him know exactly what I thought of him. It didn’t go down too well.”
“I can imagine.” She shook her head, trying to imagine Blue and Gabriel going at it. It would have been like Clash of the Titans all over again – two strong, controlling, aggressive men trying to tear chunks out of each other. It must have been a fearsome battle of wills.
They drove the rest of the way in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. When they pulled up outside the mansion, Noelle thanked him for the ride and went to face the mysterious master of the house. While she’d been doing her homework the night before, she’d Googled Master Henway and found absolutely nothing. The man was a total enigma. There were a few mentions of the club, but it appeared that Blue and Storm, a strikingly beautiful Oriental woman, were the public faces of the business. She knew that they were all pseudonyms, but still...she’d expected to find something.
He was waiting for her in the study and turned when she entered, a small smile playing about his lips. “Miss Winters.” He greeted, gesturing to an armchair. “Would you like something to drink?”
“Chloe offered me tea on the way up.” She said, taking a seat where he indicated. “I think she’s going to bring it up.”
“Excellent. And how are you this morning?” He came to sit opposite her.
“A little better I think.” She smiled. “I slept through the whole night – no nightmares. And I spoke to Jax last night. We said a lot of things that needed to be said.”
“And how did you leave things between you?” He asked.
“I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship and he doesn’t deserve anything less than my commitment.” She explained quietly. “He’s going to wait for me to be fixed and then we’ll try and make it work.”
“And how do you feel about that?”
“Honestly?” She sighed. “Confused. I’m excited and feel happy with him, but I’m scared that I’m never going to be fixed or that in moving onto the next level we’ll lose some of what we have now. And what we have now is really good. Deep down I feel like I’m not worthy of him, you know? He’s this gorgeous and talented rock star. He could have his pick of thousands of women that are far less damaged than me. I just don’t understand it.”
“Do you think his job defines him?”
“Of course not.” She frowned. “It’s like Blue said yesterday – just because you know how to do something doesn’t make it all you are. It’s just a facet of your personality.”
“So what difference does it make to your relationship that he happens to be a rock star?”
“We come from different worlds.” She tried to sort out her feelings. “I was a teacher...a nobody. I had a quiet life until I met Gabriel. Jax is used to wild parties, dozens of women, more money than he knows what to do with and celebrity of the most invasive kind. I’ve seen pictures in magazines of him dating these tall blonde glamazons. In comparison, I’m a stumpy, plain little nothing.”
“It seems to me that the issue here is your self-esteem, not Jax’s lifestyle.” Cal propped an elbow on the arm of the chair and leaned into it. “Why do you assume that your appearance should mean more to him than your personality? Is he a shallow guy?”
“Not at all.” She bridled at the merest suggestion. “But it’s not like he’s seen the best of my personality. Since he met me I’ve been a total wreck...first with the subdrop and then with Gabriel dying. There’s nothing about me to love.”
“There’s something in everyone to love.” He disagreed. “Did you love Gabriel?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And yet you also accept that he was controlling, destructive, manipulative and damaged.”
“Well yes, but...he was also charming and handsome and kind a lot of the time.”
“So are you saying that you’re shallow? That you only loved him because he was handsome and charming.”
“No.” Confused, she stoppe
d trying to defend herself. He was talking her in circles. She didn’t know why she loved Gabriel. Love wasn’t something you could put a label on. The realisation of what Cal was getting at suddenly struck her. In the same way that she couldn’t understand what there was to love in a man so damaged he had almost taken apart her sanity, she would never understand what Jax found to love in her. Maybe it was because she could cook, or maybe it was for reasons that were as deep and complex as the ocean. Somehow she had to stop trying to pick it apart and just accept his feelings for what they were.
Seeing that he had got his point across, Master Henway changed the subject. “Tell me about your parents.” He suggested.
Still reeling from her epiphany, she said the first thing that came to mind. “They’re dead.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. How long ago did they die?”
“It’ll be ten years in November.” She tried to pull herself together. “I was sixteen.”
“You’ve done remarkably well for yourself.” He seemed genuinely impressed and the warmth of his regard dispelled some of the turmoil inside her. “Most kids would have dropped out of school after something that traumatic. You’re to be commended for sticking with it long enough to get a degree.”
“Being a teacher was all I ever wanted to be.” She admitted sadly, with a touch of bitterness.
“And Gabriel took that away from you.”
“Yes. No.” She shook her head. “No. I have to shoulder at least some of the blame for that one. I knew loving him was dangerous to my career but I just couldn’t help myself.”
“Why did you lose your job?”
“Because of the new year’s concert.” She flinched at the memory. “The school board decided that five million people knowing I was getting fucked in a dark room in a stadium was inappropriate behaviour for a school teacher.”
“Did you ask him to do it?”
“No, but I didn’t stop him either.” She shuddered. “He was in such a mood that night...there was so much darkness rolling beneath the skin, so close to the surface it just kept bleeding through.”