Redemption: Darkness Falls

by Ivory Quinn

  Cal and Storm decided to go for a night cap in the study, but Blue followed Noelle upstairs and hesitated on the landing.

  “Are you going to be okay or do you want to come and cuddle up with me?” He asked. She knew she should sleep alone while she tried to think it through, but she was so tired and so angry with the situation in general that she found herself crying before she’d given it a moment’s thought. “Well that settles it.” He pushed his door open and gestured her into his room. “Go and jump in the shower. I’ll find you a T-shirt.” He cut the latex for her to strip off and when she came back from the bathroom, he’d laid out one of his T-shirts for her to sleep in. It was so huge it hung past her knees, but she didn’t have the energy to laugh.

  By the time Blue returned from the shower she was asleep, but her face was wet from crying and he sighed. His lifestyle didn’t leave much room for dating but, if this was what it entailed, he was definitely the lucky one.

  Chapter twenty-three

  Noelle woke early and had breakfast just after seven, heading out to Jax’s not long after eight. He answered the door looking barely awake and still in his ratty pyjama bottoms.

  “Hey.” He yawned, scrubbing his eyes as he let her in. “I put some coffee on.”

  “Thanks.” She barely made it to the kitchen before her eyes were watering and the lump in her throat was too big to talk around. She tried to get control of herself while Jax poured the coffee, but she almost lost her nerve when he sat opposite her on the breakfast bar.

  “How are you doing?” He asked eventually when she seemed unable to speak. “Is Cal letting you drive on your own now?”

  “Yeah.” She cleared her throat. “I’m okay. How are you doing?”

  “I’ve had better years.” He shrugged. “The house feels crazy empty without you in it, but going by the look on your face, I guess I should get used to that, huh?”

  “I’m so sorry Jax.” The tears spilled over as she reached into her bag and retrieved the ring, sliding it across the breakfast bar to him. He didn’t even look at it.

  “At least tell me why.” He looked stricken, but he was holding it together. “Is it the play room thing? Because I can learn about that. At least give me a chance to prove to you that I can adapt to your lifestyle.”

  “You shouldn’t have to.” She swiped at her face with a tissue, angry with herself for losing her composure. “You won’t ever understand it from the outside looking in, the same way you’ll never understand how damaging what Gabriel did to me was. You’ll never be okay with me dominating other men, even if I agreed to strict rules. I’m walking away because I care about you, Jax. You said to either give you all of me or none. I can’t give you half of me and hope that love will fix the rest. Love isn’t enough.”

  “Love isn’t enough.” He repeated, shaking his head with disbelief.

  “It’s better this way.” She snuffled. “At least we can salvage our friendship. We won’t end up resenting and hating each other.”

  “I don’t want your friendship!” He blurted out, his eyes wet with tears too. “I want your love, Noelle. All of it.”

  “Giving it to you would destroy you.”

  “I want to marry you, Noelle” He tried desperately. “I said I’d give you a month but if you need more time, you can take it. I’m sorry I shouted at you the other day. What I said was wrong. I was angry and upset and I didn’t mean it.”

  “You don’t want to marry me, Jax.” She sucked in a deep breath, trying to stop the sobs that were shuddering in her chest. “You hate a fundamental part of who and what I am, and I just want to be forgotten. This lifestyle that you have is amazing and magical, but it’s not for me. It’s too public. I can’t live at the centre of the circus. It’s time for Cinderella to give back her glass slippers and return to the hearth where she belongs.”

  “We’re your family, Noelle. You can’t just walk away from family.”

  “I know.” And it hurt. God, it hurt. “You’ll always be my family. I’ll be here on Mondays and I’ll write your lyrics. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, Jax, but you and I together just wouldn’t work.”

  “I can’t believe this is happening.” He broke down and sat there, tears pouring down his beautiful stubbled cheeks, just staring at her. “I should have done this differently.”

  “What I am, it’s something that has always been there.” She said as gently as she could. “There’s nothing you could have done differently.”

  “But if I’d stepped in, if I hadn’t held back, maybe I could have fixed you. All those nights I held you while you slept...maybe if I’d loved you instead, it would have drowned it out.”

  “It’s in my bones, Jax.” She reached across and grasped his hand. “Eventually it would have started bleeding through the cracks.”

  “Please change your mind.”

  “I can’t.” Feeling like a complete bitch, she went around and pulled him into her arms. She knew she was doing the right thing, but hurting him stung like hell. He’d been nothing but kind to her and he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve to have had her crashing into his life and turning it on its head.

  His mouth blindly sought hers and she tried to extricate herself. “Please.” His voice was hoarse with tears. “Please...just once. Please don’t make me regret all the times I should have acted but didn’t.” He kissed her and she softened, even though she knew it was a bad idea.

  “It’ll make it worse, Jax.” She murmured as he pressed his lips to her neck.

  “I know, but I still want it.” He rested his forehead against her collarbone, breathing raggedly. “Please Noelle...don’t make me beg.”

  She was so torn. It could do their friendship irreparable harm, but she didn’t have the heart to deny him. “Just once?” She stalled. “It won’t change anything, Jax.”

  “I know. It’s just...” He shrugged. “Sometimes a little taste of heaven is all you need.” He cupped her face in his palms and pressed soft kisses to her cheeks and forehead. “Please say yes.” He whispered. “I swear...just this once and then we’ll walk away.”

  “Okay.” It escaped before she realised she was going to say it and her stomach filled with butterflies. He didn’t wait for her to say it twice, catching her hand and leading her down the hallway to his bedroom before she could change her mind. “Jax, I don’t...”

  He silenced whatever she had been about to say with another kiss and she finally gave in. She owed him this at least. If it was the only comfort she could give him after all that he had done for her, she would give it and gladly. Two months ago, even just one month ago, the idea of giving her body for comfort would have appalled her, but she’d redefined everything she knew about herself. Gabriel hadn’t been all wrong. Sometimes you did just need to switch off your head and listen to your heart.

  They lay together on the bed and she suddenly felt inexplicably shy as he moved over her, kissing her gently and palming her breast. She could feel the calluses from his guitarist’s fingers through the thin cotton of her camisole, the rasp against her skin drawing an immediate response from her body.

  They kissed for an eternity before he finally raised her top over her head, throwing it onto a nearby chair. Her bra soon followed suit and she wrestled out of her shorts as he kicked off his pyjama bottoms. For all the times he’d seen her naked, she’d never once seen him fully unclothed and he was just beautiful.

  His body was lean, with muscle in all the right places. His tattoos gave him a rakish air, amplified by the soft waves of blond hair that fell in a tousled mass to kiss those amazing cheekbones. The glimpse of his rear that she got when he turned around to grab a condom from the drawer by the bed was so perfect it made her teeth ache. When he finally moved over her and she could grasp his cock, it fit her hand perfectly. He wasn’t huge, but it was gloriously straight and she welcomed it home inside her with a sigh.

  “We’re so good together.” He murmured, thrusting gently into her. “This could all
be yours.”

  “I know.” She wrapped her legs around him and let him set the pace. This was his moment to be selfish. “I know and I’m sorry.”

  He made love to her with an honest and raw intensity. His eyes never left her face and his mouth didn’t stop spilling sweet endearments. They rose together to a gentle crescendo and afterwards they lay in each others’ arms and cried. It was such a bittersweet moment.

  Finally, hungover and emotionally wrung out, Jax drifted off to sleep and Noelle got up, silently gathering her clothes and slipping into the bathroom to dress. She hesitated on the way out of the door, but there was nothing else she could say or do that would make the situation any better. Eventually she wrote him a quick note and texted Raze to explain what had happened and that Jax would probably need a friend. The drummer texted back almost immediately to say he’d be there in an hour, so she climbed into the car feeling a little less guilty for leaving.

  ***

  When she arrived back at the manor, Cal was waiting for her in the study. It was an overcast day and very humid, so they had to give the rose garden a miss.

  They sat in silence for a while, as they always did while she tried to gather her thoughts, and then he began to speak. “Noelle, if you choose to stay with the family, my door will always be open to you at any time of the day or night, but I feel you’re in a place now where we can make this our last formal session. What do you think?”

  “I think you’re right.” She nodded. “I haven’t had a nightmare for more than two weeks and I haven’t had a panic attack for even longer. I feel happier. More confident. I’m still grieving, but I’m really starting to understand the value of everything.”

  “That’s good.” He gave her an encouraging smile. “So I have an exercise for you. I want you to explain your journey through counselling in just one sentence.”

  “Just one?” She frowned as he nodded. How did one condense such an epic voyage of discovery into just one sentence? She had deconstructed just about every emotion she was capable of feeling and examined it under the microscope of her past. She had been remade.

  Getting up, she went to the window and looked out at the gardens, trying to formulate her thoughts. Even under the grey skies of a gathering storm, the flowers were spectacularly beautiful. She felt almost overwhelmed with a sudden urge to kick off her shoes and go and dance in the grass, even in the rain. Then it hit her.

  “I choose life.” She said quietly. “That’s my sentence. I choose life.”

  “Explain.”

  She returned to her seat. “I believe that we grow up shaped by our childhoods. Like you, I believe that really awful things can happen to really nice people and that there is no rhyme or reason to it. But I also believe that once we’ve reached that turning point in our lives where everything has collided and we really understand who we are, we have a choice. Everyone has a choice. I think you can choose to be a victim. You can let the darkness of your past dictate who you are in the future. I think you have to allow yourself to fear, allow yourself to close off to the world. You have to let the bitterness in. It’s not passive. Sitting back and letting life roll over you, crying ‘woe is me’, is a choice in itself. I don’t want that. I choose life. I choose to look at who I was and all the crappy things that happened and take what I can from it. I’m stronger now. I’m more compassionate. I’m getting more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve learned the value of life, of friendship, of love, of just breathing the goddamn air every day. I’ve made new family. I’m making my peace with God.”

  “Perhaps ‘I choose to live’ would be a more appropriate sentence then?” He suggested, but she shook her head.

  “No. It’s definitely life. I choose life, in all it’s technicolour, splendid, fucked up glory. Living is a verb. Life is a concept. It’s vibrant and cruel and beautiful and mine and I want it so much it hurts. I choose hope. I choose light. I choose love. I choose life.”

  “Then go out and grab it.” He broke out a smile that she’d never seen before, so joyous and buoyant that she couldn’t help herself. She jumped out of her chair and rushed to give him a hug. Laughing, he rose to meet her and hugged her back tightly. “I’m proud of you, Red.” He said, so quietly she almost missed it.

  “Thank you. Thank you so much for everything.” Words would never adequately express the depth of her gratitude to him, but he just shrugged it off.

  “It’s what I do.” He released her. “You’re free to go wherever you want.”

  The freedom almost made her feel giddy, but she knew there was one more thing she had to do to draw a line under all that was Gabriel. One more task before she would be completely free.

  Chapter twenty-four

  When Blue was summoned by Master Henway to his usual play room, the last thing he expected was to find Noelle kneeling naked in the corner, holding up a strip of red satin ribbon in supplication.

  “Red, what the fuck are you doing?” He walked across to try and help her up, but she just looked up at him calmly.

  “I’m not Red today, Master. I’m just Noelle.”

  “I don’t understand.” When he realised she wasn’t going to move, he backed away. “What are you doing? Why are you presenting?”

  “Because I need this.” She took a deep breath. “I need to let him go, Blue, and I can’t do that while he’s still the only man that has dominion over me.”

  “I can’t do it, Red.” He ran his hands through that glorious hair as he backed away, sending the blue black locks shimmering in the lights.

  “I’m not asking you to take from me.” She pleaded softly. “I’m asking you to accept what I want to give you. Please, Blue. I know you can be a gentle master. I don’t want these things to be his any more. Help me take my body back.” Her voice broke on the last sentence and he just stood, staring at her.

  “I can’t...not to you. I was joking about having you in here. Please, Red. Don’t ask me to do this.” He came and knelt before her. “I’ll take you to the bedroom and do whatever you want me to. I don’t need to dominate you.”

  “Yes you do.” She held up the red ribbon to him. “You know you do. It’s the only kind of closure that makes any sense.”

  Utterly torn, he stared down at the innocuous strip of satin that lay between them. Her hands were steady. There was no fear in her at all, just acceptance and need.

  “I can’t.” He whispered again, his resistance fading.

  “You can. You’re the only person I know that can, unless you want me to go to Cal. And I don’t think he can be as gentle as you, Blue. He’s done what he can to put the pieces of my soul back together, but he can’t heal the rest in the same way you can.”

  She was right. Cal could be a brutal master and would give her no mercy. That wasn’t what Noelle needed. She needed someone that could break her gently so that she could be remade. With shaking hands, he took the ribbon from her and ran it between his fingers.

  “If I do this, you must promise never to ask me to do it again.” He couldn’t look at her, just stared at the fabric in his fist. It was the colour of blood.

  “You have my word, Master.” She bowed her head. At the moniker his hand clenched around the ribbon, crumpling it.

  “Don’t call me Master.” It came out more harshly than he’d intended and she flinched. “Don’t ever call me Master.” He tried for softness, but it wasn’t coming easily. Master sounded so wrong coming from her mouth...so alien.

  “Then what do you want me to call you?” She looked up at him from beneath her lashes and he swore there was an audible sound as his heart broke in two. He hated Gabriel so much right then. He hated him passionately for breaking this woman so far that she had to be broken again to fix it. He hated that he would be the one forced to do it, just to erase the memory of a man that would never be held accountable for his actions.

  “Call me Blue.” His voice was gravelly as his throat choked with emotion. “What are the rules here?”

  “No pain.” S
he said immediately. “Please don’t hurt me.”

  “And what do you need?” He closed his eyes, knowing what she was about to say, but also knowing that he needed to hear it.

  “I need you...everywhere.” She hung her head, her cheeks flushing under the lights.

  “Everywhere?”

  “Yes.” She whispered, shame shrinking her voice to a whisper. “I need it...them, not to belong to him any more.”

  “Noelle, look at me.” He opened his eyes and gazed down at her. “This is your last chance to back out. Are you really sure you want this?”

  “I’m sure.” She didn’t hesitate, looking up at him with so much trust in her eyes that he wanted to scream at the injustice of it. Instead, he reached across and gently tied the red ribbon around her throat, a deep slash of crimson in place of a collar. It stood out, stark and vivid against the pale creamy skin. He couldn’t bear to look at it.

  “Get up.” He had to force his beast out of hiding. It seemed there was no part of him that wanted to do this. He just wasn’t snapping into command as easily as he usually did. She obeyed without question, marks from the floor clearly imprinted on the skin of her knees. He wondered how long she’d been there before Cal had summoned him. A long time, if he knew the master at all. He’d have left her here to contemplate whether or not she really wanted to do this. “Go and light the blue candles.”

  She hesitated, obviously trying to remember which end of the pain spectrum blue was at, but made her way across the room and lit them, leaving the taper on the shelf behind them.

  “What’s your safe word?” He asked when she returned to him, and this time she took his hand.

  “I don’t need one.”

  “Fuck.” Wrenching his hand away, he went pacing around the room again.

  “I don’t.” She maintained stoically. “I trust you, Blue. You’ll give me what I need and no more, because your heart is in this.”

  “Noelle...” words failed him and his throat choked. She was placing so much trust in him and, for the first time in his life, he was scared of totally fucking it up. She was just standing there, so serene and peaceful as she waited for his command and he couldn’t deny that she needed this. He just hadn’t realised the depth of her respect for him. “Lie on the table, face up.” His voice was hoarse as he bit out the command, his nerve almost failing him as she immediately complied, climbing onto the padded table with loose limbed grace.