Kiss My Name

by Calvin Wade

  “OK, boys, listen up. I am going to keep the promise I made to you, but if either of you ever, ever, utter a word about this to anyone, I swear I’ll tell my husband what happened and he’ll come looking for you. He is the type of man who will find you and once he finds you, he will kill you.

  With that, I slipped my bra off and exposed my chest to those two aroused and petrified teenage boys. I counted to ten, put it back on and drove home. I had no idea who owned that abandoned Mercedes, but I did know that my secret about how it arrived at Botany Bay would now be safe with those two boys.

  FLO – May 2012

  Zara and I had arranged to meet up in Costa Coffee for a lunch time catch up. Over a latte and a cappuccino, I had updated her about how things were going with Fran. We still hadn’t met but our on-line conversations were becoming increasingly frequent and I was continuing to become more optimistic as each day passed. Give Zara her due, she has always been a good listener, so we were on to our second drink before she launched into her bizarre tale about how she had split up from Martin, but in the process had managed to reverse into a Mercedes, tow it out of David Lloyd’s gym, drive over to Botany Bay and arrange for two teenage boys to unhook it, in exchange for flashing her boobs at them. I would never have believed it for a second, if it hadn’t been Zara telling the tale. There was, however, one part of the story that I took a particular dislike to.

  “Do you know what, Zara? I’m really pissed off with you about that.”

  “Flo, it was an accident! I didn’t mean for any of it to happen. It just did.”

  “No, I don’t give a stuff about the Mercedes,” I explained, “you’re right, that was just you being you. What cheeses me off, is you making a deal with two teenage boys to get your knockers out. Why on earth would you do that, Zara?”

  “I had to.”

  “No you did not,” I said angrily, “Why do you have to sexualise everything? The clothes you wear, the way you act around men, the deals you make, why do you do this to yourself? You’re setting yourself up for all these falls that you keep having.”

  “What else was I supposed to do, Flo?” Zara protested, “I had a Mercedes stuck to Charlie’s backside, I needed it off.”

  “OK, look. I don’t have your looks and despite having tits even bigger than your cosmetically enhanced ones, I wouldn’t imagine any teenage kids would be jumping for joy at the thought of seeing them. If, therefore, I managed to get myself into a mess like you did. I would have to use my brain to get me out of it.”

  “Go on, smart Alec,” Zara said, sipping her latte, “tell me what you’d have done then.”

  “Zara, I’d have just gone over to those two boys and said. ‘Lads, you look like the type of intelligent blokes who know something about cars. You see I don’t, because I’m a woman, but as two smart lads, is there any chance you can do me a massive favour and show me how I unhook my car?’”

  “Flo, that’s still undermining women! You’re saying women are thick, men aren’t, so help me out.”

  “No, that’s not what I’m saying,” I explained, “I’m playing upon the fact that men have big egos and like to show women how clever they are. It doesn’t involve me exposing my breasts like a lapdancer.”

  Zara was prepared to fight her corner on this, which I was glad about. The one thing I did not want her to be was a soft touch.

  “There’s no guarantee that would have worked though. I knew for certain the offer of flashing some flesh was guaranteed to work.”

  “You could have tried it, Zara. If you keep demeaning yourself all the time, no wonder you keep discovering that men treat you like an object. You’re so much better than that. Stop doing it to yourself.”

  I knew we were going over the same old ground, I was just hoping that one day it would actually sink in.

  “OK. OK. Is that the lecture over now?” Zara asked.

  “Not quite. This weekend you’ve got the Hen do, haven’t you?”

  “Yes in Blackpool.”

  “Promise me you’ll make a fresh start and try to show men that you’re a fantastic person before you go showing them your boobs and your knickers,” I was pleading but I have to admit my confidence in Zara’s capacity to do it was low. Rather than promise, Zara decided to ignore the plea entirely.

  “I wish you were coming, Flo. You’d keep me in check. I love Lucy, but she does lead me astray.”

  “Don’t let her then, Zara. Your problem is you keep trying to be the person you think other people want you to be. Just be yourself.”

  Zara started laughing.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Flo, you try to change me more than anyone!”

  Perhaps Zara had a point. She was a grown woman and could make her own decisions. I just feared that if I didn’t warn her, she would go off on that Hen do and come back with a sob story about how she had once again been manipulated by some no good male. As it transpired, I should have saved my breath, that’s exactly how it worked out anyway.

  ZARA – May 2012

  The doorbell rang. The biggest suitcase I owned was in the hallway, crammed with stuff. Before he went to work, I had to get my flatmate, Nadeem, to sit on it so I could zip it up. You would have thought I was off to Florida for three weeks rather than two nights in Blackpool, but the problem with the British weather is that you never know what you are going to get. Also, with only knowing Lucy out of all the girls that were going, I wasn’t sure how they were going to dress. If they were all going to be dolled up, then I wanted to join in. If they were going less dressy, I would have to tone it down a little. Not that I was going to be wearing anything other than a skimpy number no matter what, but there is skimpy and then there is bikini brave.

  As expected it was Lucy at the door, looking as gorgeous as usual. Lucy had the ability to make casual look sexy. She had a crop top on, but as she’d been spray tanned, had a washboard stomach and had her Playboy belly dangle in her navel piercing, she looked hot. I knew I would have to get everything right to have the pick of the men this weekend. If two men approached Lucy and me, I wanted the pilot not the wing man. Not only had Lucy had her nails done and a spray tan, she had also had her hair straightened, cut and coloured. I would describe the colour as candy floss pink, which doesn’t sound great, but believe me, on Lucy it looked great.

  “Hi babe, look at you, you look gorgeous, babe,” I told her.

  Babe was a word that seemed to creep into my conversations with Lucy. I didn’t tend to use it much with Flo. I guess it depends who you are with. Horses for the forces and all that.

  “You too babe,” Lucy said and kissed me on both cheeks.

  “Thanks, hun.”

  “Well piss on my chips and tell me it’s vinegar! I thought I was going to have the biggest suitcase. Look at that! Is that your suitcase, Zara? It’s enormous! I’ve been in planes smaller than that.”

  “I know. If I’ve forgotten anything now, I’ll be so cheesed off.”

  “Babe, there’s no way you could possibly have forgotten anything. I’ll have to help you with that down the stairs or you’ll never get it down. Come on, we best get going, the taxi driver will have the meter running.”

  We were both sat in the back of the taxi. The driver didn’t look too pleased when he had to lift my case off the ground and get it into the boot. He mumbled something about extra charges for slipped discs. After he rubbed his back several times in an exaggerated way, he set off to Charnock Richard service station where we had arranged to meet Candice’s minibus. The girls had set off from Great Dunmow at seven and they were picking us up at midday.

  “So how are you, honey?” Lucy asked sympathetically, “Are you over what’s his name with the muscles?”

  “Martin.”

  “Yeh, have you got over the big split with Martin now?”

  “I have, hun. No point crying over spilt milk, if it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.”

  “Exactly, I think it’s perfect timing.”
r />   “Why?”

  “Well, if you had come away on this Hen do and attracted the amount of attention a beautiful girl like you is bound to attract and still been with Martin, you’d have felt guilty. Now you are footloose and fancy free, there’s no need for guilt, you can let your hair down and have a whale of a time.”

  “I guess you’re right. Arrrrr, thanks for saying I’m beautiful, babe.”

  Lucy saying that really perked me up. I wasn’t going to admit it, but I was still having withdrawal symptoms from Martin. If he’d have apologised for his flirting with Stacey and asked me to get back with him, I would have done so in a nanosecond.

  “So, then, single lady,” Lucy said with a cheeky smile, “how many condoms are in the huge suitcase of yours?”

  “None.”

  “Are they in your handbag?”

  “God, no, I won’t be doing any of that business! Why, how many have you packed?”

  “Six.”

  “Six! Bloody hell, Lucy! Are you dropping in at an orgy or something? We’re only going for two nights.”

  “Come prepared and prepare to come!” Lucy winked at me after she said this.

  “Six though, Lucy! Flippin’ ‘eck!”

  “Babe, I’m just being sensible. Some lads aren’t so clever at putting them on and others want a second chance in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, I don’t have to use all six, but I’d rather have too many than not enough.”

  I bet the taxi driver thought he had a right slapper in the cab, but Lucy was just a strong woman and I loved her for it.

  “There’ll be some stories from this weekend, that’s for sure!” I said.

  “There definitely will, babe. Oh and I’ve brought these too.”

  Lucy opened up the palm of her hand and in it were four bright blue tablets in a clear wrapping. I thought she had gone mad and was showing off her illegal ecstasy tablets.

  “Flamin’ Nora, Lucy!” I whispered, “The taxi driver will kill us if he sees drugs in the cab!”

  “Do you not know what they are, babe?”

  I was really anti-drugs, I had never taken anything and never intended to.

  “No and I don’t really want to. It could be heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, I don’t want to know,” I whispered with a dismissive wave of my hands.

  “It’s Sildenafil, Zara?”

  “Never heard of it.”

  “Commonly known as Viagra. You know? The sex drug?”

  “I have heard of that. I thought it was for men. What does it do for us? Does it make our Little Red Riding Hood bigger?”

  Lucy tried to suppress her giggles.

  “Zara, you crack me up, babe! Little Red Riding Hood! You probably can get them now for women, I don’t know, but these little fellas are my back up if the big fellas end up having brewers droop. I bought them off some bloke in the pub. Four for a tenner. They aren’t Viagra, but they have the same active ingredient.”

  “Do you think you’ll need them?” I asked, Lucy was a stunner, so I wouldn’t expect there would be too many men not standing right to attention when confronted by her in the nuddy.

  “You just have to have a back up plan, Zara! It’s the 21st Century.”

  “Lucy, I don’t have any plans for this weekend other than getting drunk and having a laugh.”

  “Well, wait until you meet Candice and the rest of the girls then. One thing I can guarantee is that we will have a laugh. The men in Blackpool this weekend aren’t going to know what’s hit ‘em!”

  Part Nine

  Making Plans For Simon

  SIMON – May 2012

  Nicky and I were sitting out the back of The Railway pub one Friday evening, just having a couple of drinks on one of the wooden benches outside. Chloe had gone around to one of her friends for a sleepover and Will was getting himself showered and shaved ready for a hot date with his girlfriend, Laura. He was playing Waking The Demon by Bullet For My Valentine at full blast. So whilst our ear drums were just about intact we grabbed the opportunity to have a stroll down to the pub.

  Light, dry evenings in spring and summer make it feel wonderful to be alive. We were discussing various wedding plans, a common theme. The wedding day had been arranged for 17th June at Euxton Parish Church.

  “Are you going to have a Stag Do, Simon?” Nicky asked as she poured her Becks into a glass. I was drinking mine straight from the bottle, Nicky is posher than me!

  “Absolutely, I’ve always liked the idea of having a ‘Stag Do’, just eight or ten mates on a drunken night out around Leyland, Chorley or Preston, somewhere local anyway. I’d really enjoy that. In fact, when I asked your Dad for permission to marry you, I told him he was coming on the Stag Do too. “

  “And he agreed?” Nicky said in genuine shock.

  “Yes, he was fine with it.”

  “He never fails to surprise me, my old man.”

  “He gets on alright with my Dad, maybe that’s why he agreed. Certainly wouldn’t have agreed because of me.”

  “I think he’s softening towards you,” Nicky said, but I wasn’t sure if it was a serious or sarcastic statement.

  “Yes, soft as diamond. What about you, Nicky, are you having a Hen do?”

  “I think so. Just a quiet one, maybe I’ll just have a few of the girls around the night before.”

  I started to worry that Nicky expected me to have mine the night before too.

  “I’m not having mine the night before, Nicky! I’m not getting married with a hangover.”

  “No, you best give yourself a few weeks to recover.”

  “I’m planning to!” I said with a laugh, but I meant it.

  “What about your ‘Best Man’, Simon? Any news on whether he has decided that he’s up to the job?”

  Nicky was referring to Will. Not long after I proposed to Nicky, I had asked Will whether he would be my best man. Not only was he my son, he was my best friend too and was the obvious choice. At first, he was absolutely delighted about it, but nerves and panic had begun to set in. I understood, he was only nineteen and it seemed to be a daunting task. I tried to re-assure Will that everyone would be on his side and the speech could not possibly go wrong, but he’s his own man and I wouldn’t force him into doing something he was unhappy with. He said he would think it over.

  “He’s still mulling it over, Nicky, but I think I’ve thought of a solution.”

  “Go on.”

  Nicky wasn’t always too enamoured with my solutions.

  “I was thinking of having two best men. Will could then pass me the ring in the church, but all the stuff he’s uneasy about, like the wedding speech, could be done by the other Best Man. I asked one or two of the cricket lads about it at nets and they said it happens quite often these days.”

  “OK,” Nicky said wafting away a wasp that was after her beer, mine was safer in the bottle, “I’m fine with that. Who are you going to ask though? I know you like the lads at cricket but none of them are exactly your best mate and I’m not inviting someone extra just because Will is uneasy about doing a speech.”

  “I was thinking of asking Joey.”

  “”Joey Neill?” Nicky queried with more than a hint of surprise in her voice.

  “Yes. Why do you sound so shocked, Nicky?”

  “You and Joey are very different. Would it not spoil the day?”

  “No, don’t be daft, Nicky. He’ll probably try it on with a few of your mates from work at the night do, but we just need to keep an eye on him.”

  “I’m not keeping an eye on him! It’s our Wedding Day.”

  “I meant Will and me.”

  “OK, but you’d need to check his speech out too. Joey’s unpredictable.”

  “I will do. Nicky, for all that Joey thinks he’s Mr.Popular, this is his one and only chance to be ‘Best Man’. If Will hadn’t been nervous about doing a speech, I wouldn’t have asked him either, but I feel a bit sorry for Joey and just want to give him a chance.”

  Nicky kn
ew Joey as well as I did and I knew she felt sorry for him too. Most of his problems were of his own doing, but we both agreed his existence was a lonely one.

  “Simon, if you’ve thought this through and you think it’s what you want to do, then I’m fine with it.”

  “I have. Joey could even talk a little bit about Colin in his speech which would mean a lot to me.”

  “True. When you ask him, just warn him to behave himself. No bad language in the speech, none of his pub mates are coming to the night do and tell him anyone with a wedding ring on will have their husbands with them, so they are strictly out of bounds.”

  “Especially you!”

  “Simon, Joey knows better than to try it on with me. He wouldn’t look cool with a broken nose.”

  “OK. Joey it is. I’ll call around in the next few days and ask him. I’ll let Will know what’s happening first though. It’ll be a weight off his mind, I’m sure.”

  Nicky still had almost half a glass of Becks, but she picked it up and drank it all in one go.

  “Thirsty?” I asked.

  “Just nerves, Simon! You’ve only just told me about your plans for Joey and already I’m worried about what we’ve let ourselves in for.”

  “He’ll be fine, Nicky. You watch, I bet he does a great job. In fact, I’ll ring him right now.”

  I took my mobile out and tabbed down to Joey, which didn’t take long as I don’t have many names in my phone. I put it on loudspeaker so Nicky could hear.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi Joey! It’s Simon.”

  “Oh right. Sorry mate, I didn’t have your number in the phone. Can I ring you back later? It’s really not a good time?” Joey sounded more than a little disgruntled.