Changing Everything

by Molly McAdams

  I shook my head and tried to steady my shaking jaw. “I can’t talk to you about that,” I managed to whisper just as Brett came back.

  After setting a pitcher down on the table, he put a glass of Guinness in front of Eli, and my eyes widened. I’d mentioned that in passing.

  Looking at Brett, I wasn’t sure what I expected to find. Him smirking because he was trying to look better in front of me? Instead, his expression was solemn as he came to sit next to me.

  His eyes darted to Eli once he was in his chair, and following his line of sight, my breath got caught in my throat to find him still intently watching me. Everything about Eli’s exterior screamed that he was ready to fight somebody—anybody. But his eyes were pleading with me to listen to him.

  I couldn’t. I was sure if I did, I would want to believe him. I would forget about the years of heartache. I would do anything he asked me to.

  Looking back over to Brett, I hated when I found him watching me too, his expression barely concealing his sadness.

  I couldn’t sit here anymore. Not with these two men here.

  One who was taking my heart, the other who still owned my soul.

  Standing quickly, I ignored everyone calling my name and escaped from the bar and into the parking lot. Once I was outside, my steps turned into sprints until I reached Brett’s car. Bending over, I pressed my hands against my knees and took in staggering breaths.

  It hadn’t been a far run, but I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I’d been holding my breath from the moment Eli had walked in. It felt like I was about to break.

  “Come here,” Brett commanded gently, and pulled me upright so he could wrap his arms around me.

  A hard sob burst from my chest, and my body began trembling violently—and I hated that he was seeing this.

  Because he knew what this was, he knew who these tears were for, and that they had absolutely nothing to do with us.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s going to be okay,” he crooned, and pressed his lips to the top of my head.

  I gripped on to his shirt as I buried my head against his chest and cried. I didn’t understand how he could say that. Not now, not when he was caught in the middle of this and knew exactly what was going on. I shook my head quickly as I tried to pull in air, and Brett stood there calmly running his hand over my back.

  “Come on, Paisley, I’ll take you home.”

  “But—”

  “This is hard for you, and you’re upset. Let me take you home so you have time to be alone to think about all this. And when you’re ready, you can come over and we’ll talk through whatever you’ve decided.”

  I swallowed roughly. “No. Brett, no! I want to be with you.”

  His full lips fell onto mine to quiet anything else I would say, and when he pulled back, his green eyes held mine. “You loved him first,” he said simply.

  “But I’m—” I cut off and briefly debated whether or not to say the words that were begging to get out. With a weighted sigh, I admitted, “I’m falling in love with you.”

  Brett exhaled in a rush, and offered me a sad smile “Christ, Paisley, I wish I could’ve told you how I’m falling madly in love with you under different circumstances, but it’s because I am that I have to give you this chance. All right?”

  I nodded as more tears fell down my cheeks, and whimpered from the force of his next kiss.

  “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay,” he whispered, then released me, and opened the passenger seat of his car.

  As I slid into the car, I didn’t know how I was supposed to choose between the two. There was no obvious answer to me. I’d never met a man like Brett, and he’d been slowly putting together the shattered pieces of me from years with Eli as he’d quickly embedded himself in my heart and life. But there was no getting over someone like Eli, and I wondered how much it would hurt to live the rest of my life without him—because it was clear I couldn’t have both of them in my life. I wondered if the soul-deep ache would eventually fade, and if Eli would just become a fond memory as my first love, or if Kristen had been right, and I would always wonder what if.

  Chapter Seven

  September 21, 2013

  Eli

  PULLING MY TRUCK to a stop in front of Paisley’s building, I rubbed at my eyes and cracked my neck before stepping out. I hadn’t slept last night—not that I’d slept much in the last few weeks, but there’d been nothing last night. I’d tried propping up the pillows the way Paisley always did, but it wasn’t the same without her.

  I shut and locked the door behind me, and took slow steps toward her apartment as I tried to prepare myself for Brett being here again.

  I knew I’d been an ass the night before, but seeing him kissing her had my blood boiling and me straining not to throw something. Because that would have helped so much. I’m gonna throw this heavy table, and you’re gonna like it. Paisley didn’t want someone turning into a caveman while he fought for her. She wanted someone to love her the way she loved them. She wanted someone not to hurt her like I’d been doing.

  A sharp inhale had me freezing and my head snapping up to see my Paisley standing there in front of me. Brown eyes wide and unsure, dark hair falling softly around her face and past her shoulders, too-full lips barely opened, and looking as short and perfect as ever.

  She was perfect. Why had that taken me so long to notice?

  “Paisley,” I breathed.

  “Why are you here?” she asked through clenched teeth.

  “Because I love you, and I need—”

  “You can’t just decide that now that I’m trying to be happy, Eli! You can’t come in and try to ruin this now that you’re missing me,” she seethed, but underneath that anger was so much sadness she was working at concealing.

  “I do miss you, Pay,” I admitted as I closed the distance between us. She took a few steps back, and I took another forward—capturing her face in my hands so she wouldn’t try to keep moving. “But I’m not trying to ruin your happiness. I know I’ve done that more times than I can imagine . . . I know, and I’m so goddamn sorry.”

  “Language,” she chastised softly.

  “But this isn’t about missing my wingman. This isn’t about being afraid to lose my best friend to a guy like Brett. This is about realizing something I should have years ago, and being fucking terrified that I’m about to lose the best thing to ever happen to me.”

  She swallowed hard and tried to turn her head, and when my hands wouldn’t let her, she shut her eyes.

  “You can’t do this to me, Eli,” Paisley murmured. “I told you everything—I laid a decade worth of secrets and feelings out on the table, and you did not reciprocate one of those. I get that I kind of just threw everything on you all at once. I get that I blindsided you with my confession. But even if I got past you avoiding me for the following two weeks, and even if I could forget what you told me outside of Grind, I will never be able to forget how horrified you looked when I told you that I loved you. And it’s because of that image that is stuck in my mind that I can’t believe what you’re saying now—no matter how much I want to.”

  Paisley hadn’t once opened her eyes throughout that, and somehow that fact made this harder. Because it just confirmed how badly I’d hurt her if she couldn’t even look at me while she said those things.

  My breaths came heavily as I tried to find the words to say for her to understand how serious I was about this—about us. I wished I’d thought of something before I came over here and started fumbling my words to the point where I was sure I was making it worse.

  “I want you, Paisley. I want your propped-up pillows that I hate so damn much, but know you can’t sleep without. I want to split milkshakes and cupcakes with you so I don’t have to choose one flavor and don’t have to eat the frosting. I want Sunday mornings with you every morning for the rest
of our lives, because any day that starts with you is perfect. I want to always give you the first bite of my food, because I know the first bite of anything is your favorite. I want you to always get annoyed when I cuss because that face you make when I do is one of my favorites.”

  Tears slipped from her closed eyes. The sight made it feel like someone was gripping my heart and slowly squeezing.

  “I never want to make you cry again unless they’re happy tears. I want to know you so much better than I already do. I want to know where to kiss and touch you to make your eyes close. I want to know what to do to make you moan my name. I want to finally understand why you hate cussing so much. I want to know what you want for your future, and I want to be the one to give it to you. I love you, and I want to spend every day for the rest of my life loving you, Paisley. I’m sorry it took me so long, but please don’t take you from me.”

  A few seconds passed without a response from her before she said, “I have to go.”

  “Paisley—”

  “Please, let me go,” she whimpered, and finally her eyes opened.

  “I can’t do that,” I replied honestly.

  A weighted breath left her, and she brought her small hands up to remove mine. “You need to learn how.”

  I knew we weren’t talking about physically, and I wasn’t ready for this. I couldn’t let her go—I couldn’t lose her. “Don’t ask me to do that.”

  She couldn’t have moved me no matter how hard she tried, but my hands still fell from her face when she shook her head and said, “I’m sorry.”

  My arms fell heavily to my sides, and I stared at the sidewalk as she moved around me to leave. I wanted to keep fighting for her, I wanted to keep showing her how much I wanted this, but I was afraid that all I was doing was hurting her. And after finding out that I’d been doing exactly that for years—I wasn’t sure I could force myself to hurt her any more.

  September 21, 2013

  Paisley

  I STARED AT the ocean; my entire body felt numb as I tried to think through what I wanted. I’d been on my way to Brett’s to talk to him when I ran into Eli, sure that I would tell Brett I wanted to continue a relationship with him. But now I was back to not being sure of anything. Neither seemed like the better choice, and, still, neither seemed like the obvious choice. There was nothing wrong with Brett other than he wasn’t Eli, and while I couldn’t use the years of Eli breaking my heart against him, I could use the past few weeks.

  Like I’d told him, no matter how much I wanted to believe his words now, I couldn’t. While they were more than I’d ever wanted from him, there was still that fear that he was saying everything because he didn’t want to lose his best friend.

  I sat there for hours with my arms wrapped tightly around my waist as I tried to hold myself together, and fought with myself over who I couldn’t live without.

  In a daze, I stood from my spot and walked back to my car before driving to Brett’s. I still didn’t know who I would choose. All I knew was the way I’d felt when I’d seen Eli walking toward me this morning, and how much it had hurt to walk away from him. As I walked to Brett’s door, I told myself that I’d know who I couldn’t live without the moment I saw him, and then I would make my choice.

  Knocking on his door, I took calming breaths as I waited for him to answer. Part of me was afraid to find out who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with—but I knew I couldn’t continue to do this to them or myself.

  “Hey,” Brett said as he opened the door.

  Looking into his worried green eyes, the pressure was already lessening on my chest—making it easier to breathe. Like it always did, the pain from being near Eli was slowly fading as I stood in front of Brett. And I knew that I’d somehow fallen in love with this man in a matter of weeks, no matter how insane that seemed.

  And I also knew I had my answer.

  A sharp cry burst from my chest and I slapped my hand over my mouth to quiet it, and understanding covered his face.

  “Oh, Paisley,” he whispered. Wrapping his arms around my shoulders, he pulled me into his chest as he shut the door behind us.

  September 21, 2013

  Eli

  I GOT UP from where I’d spent the last five hours lying on the couch and walked slowly into the kitchen. I knew I should probably eat, but nothing sounded good. I’d talked to Jason a couple hours ago, and since I knew Paisley wasn’t with Kristen, that only left one other person I could think she’d spend a Saturday with.

  And it was killing me.

  I wanted to go wait at her apartment so I could try to talk to her again, but even Kristen and Jason thought it was a bad idea. They thought it was time I started backing off. I knew they were right; I just wasn’t ready to admit it.

  Opening the fridge, I grabbed a beer and turned to walk back to the couch, but stopped when a knock sounded on my door. I stood there staring at it for a few moments while I tried to figure out if I should answer or act like I wasn’t here.

  I didn’t need Jason telling me how much I’d fucked up again. I already knew.

  When the knock came again, I set the beer down on the table and walked over to the door. Unlocking and opening it without bothering to see who it was, I froze when I saw Paisley standing there, tears streaming down her face.

  “Pay—”

  “Please tell me I made the right decision in choosing you.”

  “What?” I asked on a breath, and curled my arms around her when she crushed her body to mine.

  She swallowed roughly and looked up at me. “I can live without him—I can’t live without you.”

  A smile pulled at my lips for the first time in weeks, and then I did something I should have done long ago. Bending low, I brought my face within a breath of hers to whisper, “I love you, Paisley Morro.” before pressing my lips to hers.

  Her arms slowly moved around my neck, holding me closer as I prompted her lips open with mine. Wrapping my arms tightly against her waist, I straightened and pressed her back against the wall, loving the throaty sound she made as I did. Her hands moved through my hair as her legs tightened around my hips, and her chest heaved when I pulled back from the kiss.

  Using the wall and one arm to hold her up, I kept my eyes on hers, watching as they widened when I made a slow line down her throat with the tips of my fingers. My lips tilted up on one side when a shiver moved through her body, and I leaned forward to make the same line with my lips and teeth. Her head dropped back against the wall, and a soft, breathy whimper sounded from her chest. I decided right then that was my favorite sound in the world.

  “I want to hear you say it again.”

  “I chose you,” she breathed, her declaration sounding almost like a question.

  Moving away from her neck, I waited until she lowered her head to look at me again. “Not that, Pay.”

  “I love you?” she asked softly.

  “Yeah.”

  Her lips curved up into a bright smile and her brown eyes searched my face for a few silent seconds. “I love you, Eli.”

  I took a deep breath in as her words washed over me, and thanked God for giving me this second chance with her.

  “And I want propped-up pillows with you.”

  A hard laugh left me and I pressed my mouth firmly to hers. “And?”

  “And Sunday mornings every morning.”

  “And?” I prompted, eager to hear everything else I’d wanted from her this morning.

  “I want to watch you roll your eyes every time I get on you for cussing, even though you know it’s coming.”

  “And?”

  “And I want to take the first bite of all your food,” she said against my lips then bit down on the bottom one.

  “And?” I growled.

  “And I want the frosted half of your cupcakes. And to share milkshakes with you. And for you to force
me to change when you hate what I’m wearing.” Pulling back a fraction of an inch from my face, she pressed her palms to my cheeks and spoke softly. “And I want to love you, and be loved by you, every day for the rest of our lives.”

  Resting my forehead against hers, I closed my eyes and let out a relieved breath. “All of that, Pay. Forever.”

  September 21, 2013

  Paisley

  MY EYES STAYED locked on Eli’s as he walked us to his bedroom, and my heart began hammering as the possibilities of what we were about to do flooded my mind. Things I’d dreamt of for years were now finally about to become a reality.

  Placing one knee on the bed, he lowered our bodies onto the comforter—keeping his body a few inches above mine once I had unwrapped myself from him. My pulse thrummed violently when he smiled before dipping his head to kiss his way down my throat the same way he’d done in the entryway. I brought my knees up to curl around his hips, and had to bite down on my lip to keep from making any noises when he rested himself between my legs. Using his teeth to gently pull my lip free, he kissed the spot I’d been biting down on before sliding his tongue into my mouth to torture me with unhurried strokes.

  Moving my hands up his muscled forearms, my fingers curled around his straining upper arms before sliding over his chest and down his stomach. Even through the material of his shirt I could feel the muscles in his stomach twitch from my touch, and with shaky hands, I pressed my fingers to the skin just above his shorts.

  A growl rumbled in his chest, and his body moved a fraction closer. I curled my fingers against his skin, and suddenly his body was off mine and he was sitting next to me. Blue eyes dark with want, chest rising and falling quickly.

  “I’m sorry,” I said automatically. I didn’t know what I’d done, but I knew whatever had just happened had to have been because of me.

  “Don’t apologize,” he begged. “I can’t do this with you yet. Not when you just showed up here after there’s been so much between us that was unknown. Not when I’ve hurt you for twelve years, and still have so much to apologize for. Not when I don’t know what’s going on with Brett or when you were last with him.”