Burning Both Ends

by Sinclaire Jayne

  “Hey, slacker.” Rafe Wilder, coordinator for the western fire line, sauntered into the tent, his grey eyes ringed with soot.

  “Thought that with you being a celebrity and a Yank smokejumper you’d have this bad beast slayed by now. That’s why I asked for the South Yarra River Ten on my team.” He grabbed up a bottle of water and drained it. Then he grabbed a sandwich in each large hand and sprawled out in a chair next to her. “What do you think of your first bushfire? Had enough fun?”

  “Just getting started,” Dare said.

  She liked him. He was intense and hard driving. He was also curious about Montana, so much so that she wondered about it.

  She should grab a couple of hours of rest, but she didn’t want to be alone with her fears. She couldn’t even think the words. Pregnant. Baby. Her whole body wanted to curl in on itself. Working a fire line with members of her team and other firefighters from Melbourne and from all across Australia was definitely preferable to thinking about what might or might not being happening with her body, so instead she’d focused on the work. Fighting wildfires in the States was so different from bushfires. Even the way they managed in the rainy season. She’d been learning so much and missing Lock that she really hadn’t paid attention to the fact that she was late. Seriously late.

  She’d charged her phone and like she always did when she was anxious, she pulled up a picture of Ryan. He’d been laughing and about to dive into the ocean for a swim. The sun was shining. The water reflected the blue. And the reality of a brain tumor while only eight months away, didn’t yet exist.

  “Who’s the kid?” Rafe looked over her shoulder at her phone. “Little brother?”

  The words were like an icy towel slapped against her overly sensitive skin. She looked at the picture, the reply frozen on her lips. It was like she was seeing Ryan for the first time, like a stranger would. He was eighteen. Forever. Stuck. Trapped even though she kept carrying him with her. With a shaky finger, Dare closed her photo app and tucked her phone back in her backpack. She felt disoriented, like the world had shifted a few degrees.

  “I should get back on the line,” she said. “The shuttle comes on the half hour.”

  “Nah.” Rafe took a bite of his sandwich and looked at her. “Call came down. I got other plans for you. You’ve been listening to me jawing out my orders for two weeks. I’m tired of kickin’ your ass. I need some new blood to intimate.”

  “We don’t have full containment yet.”

  “We do on our front.” Rafe smirked.

  Again, Dare wondered at his accent. He didn’t sound Aussie except sometimes.

  “We’re not done.” Dare frowned and forced herself up on her feet. She was not going to let this new fear rule her life. She just had to process it a bit before she decided how to deal with it.

  His smile was quick. “You are. Hey”—Rafe looked over Dare’s shoulder—“you were right, she’s hard to keep put. Got yourself a live one there. I practically had to propose to get her to stay in the tent longer than ten minutes.”

  “You’re not funny.” A very familiar voice drawled.

  And Lock was there. Tall. Handsome. Clean and so alive. Her stomach flipped in excitement, and she wanted to kick herself for her girlie behavior. She actually had to stop herself from jumping into his arms. Yeah, she hadn’t seen him for two weeks, but they’d texted and called and face-timed. She hadn’t even known he’d existed two months ago, and now she had a hard time getting through a couple of hours without thinking about him and wanting to talk to him.

  “You’re really sitting this one out?” Rafe shook his head at Lock. “You used to be all about communing with mother nature when satan had her in his blistering grip.”

  “You writing poetry now, Rafe?” Lock and Rafe did some weird man half-slap hug thing that had hands in meaty grips involved.

  Dare barely noticed. Her eyes just ate up Lock. She’d missed him. He looked so large and strong and... whew, she had it but bad. And then her heart started kicking it uncomfortably fast thinking about what might be going on with her. With them.

  Chill. It’s not even confirmed.

  “You had your fun?” He finally stopped the dude thing and looked at her, and Dare had to fight the urge to run to him and have her own touchy feely public reunion.

  “It was great,” Dare said, although part of her was lying.

  She’d missed Lock. She’d missed their everyday life moments together as much as the sex, something that hadn’t happened to her before, and she wasn’t quite sure what to do with that information. What could she do?

  “Although I feel a bit guilty enjoying a bushfire, but it was exciting and fierce and...”

  She gulped in a breath as a wave of dizziness just rolled up out of nowhere. She grabbed his arm as the ground lurched. His smile was like the sun coming over a mountain at dawn.

  “I missed you.” Had she just admitted that in a totally breathless way?

  Rafe continued to stuff his face, his eyes watchful, but expression friendly, knowing. So much for being subtle.

  “You get sick of such a small station, Dare, and I’d be happy to have you on the crew downtown. We got eight equipment bays and an MFB. I read your qualies for medical. Could use your skills. We’re always short.”

  She felt a flush of pleasure. What if she... what the hell was she thinking? Late period and she’d get all mushy and settle down? Let Ryan fade into a blurry picture of “who’s the kid?”

  “Don’t listen to him, Dare.” Lock sauntered over to her. “The downtown metro stations are fat and lazy and just outsource the exciting calls to us.”

  Rafe flipped Lock off as he grabbed another sandwich. “Later, Ryker.” Then he winked at Dare. “You get bored with this old man, and I’ll show you around Melbourne before you head out. You know a few years after thirty...” He held up his index finger and then bent it.

  “Not bloody likely. Go to hell, Wilder.” Lock bit out.

  Dare laughed. “I’m good.” Dare shook his hand.

  “Why am I being sent away?” Dare demanded as they exited the tent.

  She needed a shower, preferably in her bunker gear before she got out of it and then showered again.

  “You’re supposed to be happy to see me,” Lock said quietly as they walked through the staging area with the trucks and paramedics and firefighters suiting up to be shuttled out to the fire fronts.

  “I’m very happy to see you, but I’m desperate for a shower before I get friendly and how did Rafe know that we are a thing? Was he fishing or was I making googly eyes?”

  “He could probably hear me mentally panting,” Lock said. “Two weeks was two weeks too long, and I wanted to kick Avis in the ass for sending out ten of my team including you to rural service while he was sending me off to a damn conference in Adelaide. Fucking Melissa.”

  “I was worried she was up to something,” Dare said even as she remembered Melissa’s bitter “he never wants kids, ever.” Shit. She might be about to hand him an oops of epic proportions.

  “I handled it.”

  Lock clearly had some destination in mind as his strides were eating up the ground.

  “I need to sign out,” she said. “And grab my kit.”

  “Done and done. I want to get you alone.”

  “You’re not going to want to touch me until you hose me off.”

  “I’ll lick you clean.”

  “Shouldn’t we check in with Reese and the others? We were all brought back together about half an hour ago.”

  Lock groaned. “We’re changing rotations. They can catch a ride. I came out to see you. I was hoping I could get the team back as we’re stretched really thin, but I could have called for that. I wanted to ride back with you, and I definitely do not want to drive for hours with Reese and Jess wanting to stop at every food stand from here to Melbourne.”

  Dare laughed, but heard the strain in her voice. The worry just clanged in her head, and she wanted to get it out as much as she wa
nted to ignore it. What the hell was she going to do? What would Lock want to do? Melissa’s adamant “Lock never wants kids, ever,” again rang in Dare’s head. Well, neither did she! Now what?

  Maybe I’m not.

  She was just being dramatic, but her body already felt so different. Her breasts were bigger and, while they looked great, they hurt like hell and seemed like someone else’s. She felt softer inside. Bloated, a little crampy, but nothing hurt. She kept feeling like her period was starting only it didn’t. She wasn’t going to borrow trouble. It was probably nothing. She’d wait a few more days. No, she’d buy a pregnancy test tomorrow. Or tonight. Or however long it took to get back to Melbourne.

  Lock hit the remote and the station’s SUV opened. Dare shrugged out of her pants and boots. Lock had a large bottle of water and a towel and she quickly rinsed herself off. She even poured water over her head and sighed. She shook out her short hair and looked up at him, already feeling over-the-top nervous, but at least cleaner.

  “You look fantastic.” Lock watched her ministrations through the passenger window of the SUV. “You’re luminous.”

  Her heart skipped a beat.

  “I’ve missed you like crazy.”

  He climbed in the SUV and Dare finished her quick rinse. She felt uncoordinated like her body wasn’t working right. She slid into the passenger seat.

  “Dare, you okay?” he asked, turning in his seat so he could face her.

  She was panicking over nothing. Ruining their last few weeks together.

  “Baby?”

  She wanted to throw herself in his arms. But there were still a lot of firefighters around and it seemed like everyone knew everyone else, and she and Lock were still supposed to be pretending. She’d tell him later. After she took the test and then maybe she wouldn’t have to tell him anything.

  His blue eyes swept over her, assessing. Warm, but concerned. She hated worrying him. Hurting him. And she would. She needed to keep tight and just shut up.

  “I’m late.”

  Lock looked at his watch, frowned a little and then looked back at her. If this were happening to someone else, his response would have been so cute. He continued to look at her a little confused, and she could see the exact moment he clued in. She couldn’t even swallow right.

  She waited for the reaction. The questions. The demands. The freak out. Something to work with. Melissa had said he wouldn’t tolerate an oops.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked, his large hands running down her bare arms, chilled from the sponge bath.

  Weird. Scared. Embarrassed.

  “I feel fine.” She said cautiously searching his face for a reaction, but his face was abnormally neutral. She was freaking out.

  “Normal fine?”

  “I definitely don’t feel normal,” she admitted.

  Lock slid his hand over and threaded his fingers with hers. She always loved how he did that. Held her hand. She’d never thought she was a handholder, but Lock often held her hand when they walked into town’s public market to buy some produce or fish. Her hands felt icy and his were so warm.

  He brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it, his eyes on hers.

  “How late?” he asked.

  “Late.”

  “Dare?”

  “Two months,” she finally admitted.

  His stillness tipped her off that he was feeling and thinking a lot of things, but she had no idea what. She wished she could hide her feelings like that. She was careening all over the entire continent of emotions including regret, terror, and confusion.

  “It might be nothing.”

  “I don’t think it’s nothing, Dare,” he said quietly after a long while.

  “I’ll take a test when we get back to your house,” she said. “Then we’ll know.”

  He nodded, his gaze clearly assessing. What was going on in his mind? Dare didn’t want to know. Was he angry? Freaked? Trying to figure out how he was going to get rid or her? Oh, my God, she was a them now! Lock was the type of bloke who’d throw himself on his sword again. First for his sister and brothers and now for a baby he hadn’t wanted with a woman he’d thought from the beginning was temporary fun.

  “I haven’t been with anyone else for over almost a year.” She couldn’t keep that information back any more in case he was still speculating about the late, late call. Pretty stupid for a former medic who had even delivered babies—not on the battle field of course, but in the towns and villages while on deployments.

  “Okay,” he said.

  Like hell it was okay.

  There was nothing okay about it, but since he was being ultra-cool, she could at least strive to keep her hyper energy in check.

  “And I’m not expecting any heroic sacrifice, so you can relax,” Dare snapped just so he’d know she was not going to put him through an awful marriage again that he didn’t want but was doing for noble reasons. She was nobody’s sacrifice.

  Fuck, this uncertainty sucked.

  But certainty could suck even more unless it was the right kind of certainty. All of a sudden that tired wave hit again. She’d been so exhausted for the past two weeks, but had been pushing herself as if trying to prove that having the same amount of energy meant she was not the “P” word.

  “Dare, let’s just take the test first.”

  She nodded. “I’m tired.” She cranked back the seat, intending to pretend to sleep so she didn’t have to deal with Lock and what he was or wasn’t thinking.

  Don’t be pregnant.

  “Dare?” Lock was at her side and the car was stopped.

  “Sorry?” She sat up feeling like she was pushing through layers of cotton to focus on him. “Why are we stopped? Do we have a flat?”

  He laughed. “We’re home, Sleeping Beauty.”

  “What?” She looked around at the house and the circular drive as for the first time. “I just fell asleep.”

  “Hours ago.” He grinned.

  She stared at him. And then she remembered.

  “Hey.” He tipped her chin up then he kissed her.

  For the first time in two weeks, Dare relaxed. She kissed him back. At first it was a soft kiss and then it deepened, grew hungry.

  “I missed you,” she whispered.

  “I missed you more. Every day I had to talk myself out of driving out there and dragging you back on some obviously transparent pretext.” He continued to kiss her, his hands cupped her breasts. She winced a little.

  “Still tender?”

  “Yes, but really sensitive so when you touch me it feels fantastic too,” she admitted.

  “Really?” His eyes seemed to spark. “Let’s go upstairs.”

  “Aren’t you freaking out even a little?” She demanded.

  Lock pulled a pregnancy test out of a store bag.

  “You just happen to have those in your work car?” She demanded. No wonder he wasn’t freaking out. He was handing out pregnancy tests like candy.

  “I stopped once we hit town. You slept through that too and, while I know bushfires are exhausting, I’d have to say that the results of this...”

  “Don’t say it.” Dare covered his mouth. “You don’t know.”

  “Let’s go upstairs and pee on the stick.”

  “It’s not a group activity.” Dare groused. “I’ll do it later.”

  She grabbed her kit even as Lock reached for it.

  “Not pregnant yet.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  They went to his apartment. Dare loved the house, but Lock had a king size bed and a view of the river and city lights. Plus she’d moved most of her clothes up here before she’d left for the bushfire because his sister would be coming home soon, and Dare hadn’t wanted to intrude in August’s life.

  Once inside, Dare puttered around the apartment, putting clothes in the washer, making tea because she’d gone off coffee and wasn’t about to tell him that. Then she cut up an apple and spooned out some almond butter. All the while, Lock watched her, his dark
blue eyes, hooded, mysterious.

  “Quit stalling.”

  “I’m not. I just don’t have to pee. It’s probably best if I do it in the morning.”

  “Your pee will be fresher?”

  Dare narrowed her eyes at him. “It’s my body. I’ll do it when I feel like it.”

  “It’s our baby.”

  “We don’t even know yet if there is a... you know.” Dare practically jumped out of her skin when he said the “B” word. “I’m on the pill and we used condoms every time. I can’t be that thing!”

  He handed her the test and looked at the bathroom. “Fine. Prove it.”

  “I’m not, and you’re acting really pushy like you’re the boss of something.”

  “I am. I’m the boss of certainty. Pee.”

  Dare huffed off to the bathroom. Why was he acting so... so... fine with it all? She locked the door, something she’d never done with him and then glared at the box. She wouldn’t pee. She didn’t have to. Or she could pretend to and say nothing to see here. She would not be knocked up. She couldn’t be. She was a smokejumper. In Montana. She couldn’t jump out of planes with a big ole baby bump. She’d be in her third trimester when fire season started. Crap! She’d have to go on maternity leave. Foreign concept! And her new contract didn’t take effect until May so she’d probably not be resigned because she couldn’t jump. She’d lose her job. Her income. Her studio apartment. Her health insurance. Where the hell would she live? Glacier Creek did not exactly have a booming economy outside the forest service jobs.

  And she’d been firefighting in buildings and bushfires while pregnant. What if she’d hurt the baby? Dare wrapped her arms around her middle too horrified to know the truth. Her first test of motherhood and she’d failed. She’d ignored her lateness and had been rather happy to not have the hassle of a period interrupt the epic sex with Lock.

  What the hell was she going to do? Who would hire her pregnant? What if something was wrong with the baby—even more proof there couldn’t be a baby. Dare dumped the box in the trash and walked out of the bathroom.

  Lock waited right outside the door.

  “I’m not pregnant,” she announced.

  “For such a ballsy woman I didn’t know you could be such a coward.” He looked in the trash can at the box that still had the protective wrapping on it.