I Want to be Me

by Nicky Bright

  ‘And your new friends?’

  Claudia thought for a moment. ‘If only I had realised – they were there all the time. But enough about me. What are you going to do? Are you going home for the hols?’

  ‘Hols? – Oh, you mean holidays? No, my parents are not well off – it’s better I stay. I don’t want to, but I have to.’

  ‘What will you do?’ Claudia quickly regretted asking the question. Li looked distinctly upset and wiped away a tear.

  ‘Nothing!’ he said. ‘Absolutely nothing…’ His voice trailed away.

  Claudia felt dreadful. She didn’t know what to say. She was saved by the tinkle of the bell from the judges’ tent. They both got up and walked slowly back to the assembly point. As they were about to go their separate ways, Claudia turned to Li.

  ‘Li, you can be my friend, if you like.’

  Li stared at Claudia, almost in disbelief. Then a faint smile started up, and for a moment he looked a little more cheerful. ‘Claudia, I would like that so much,’ he said.

  As Helen Brown sat at the judges table, she began to feel uncomfortable about Sir Michael. She decided to see Elfie and quickly dodged outside the tent, and managed to catch him before he joined the orchestra.

  ‘Can we talk at the halfway point?’ she asked.

  ‘What’s up, Helen?’

  ‘I’m not entirely sure. I’m not at all certain about Sir Michael. I briefed him, I gave him the papers that I had, but I’m worried that he might be in with them. He knew about the foundation.’

  ‘Hmmm – interesting,’ Elfie muttered. ‘Don’t worry. We’ll grab a few minutes at half-time.’

  Meanwhile, the marshal had gathered the two teams, red team and blue team, into their orchestra spots, all in neat rows in front of the judges’ tent. Soon the chief judge emerged from the tent, followed by the panel. He walked up to the small podium and his fellow judges lined up on either side, all looking suitably important and pompous. The chief judge addressed the crowd.

  ‘Welcome, everyone, to the final of the Port Meadow Midsummer Orchestra Competition. This important event has been held for many a year, but this year we have two superb finalists and the judges are going to have a tough job, but their decision is final. I hope our distinguished guests, visitors and the press enjoy the afternoon. Each team will play the same piece in the first round, and then after the break each team will play one piece of their own choosing. Good luck to both teams!’

  The marshal tossed a coin to decide who went first. It was the red team. Claudia was relieved. She wanted time to settle down and relax a bit.

  ‘The first piece,’ the marshal announced, ‘will be the Fantasy-Overture from Romeo and Juliet.’

  The judges’ choice was a really tough one. It would be a battle of the strings. Chin Li was ready. Claudia had lifted his spirits, and for the first time in his stay in Oxford he felt really good. They started playing.

  Red team was well prepared and played beautifully, but Chin Li was inspiring. He played like he was possessed. Claudia could see the concentration, and the change of moods in his face, as he played this difficult piece. His timing was impeccable, but Claudia could see that he had his own quite distinctive style. It was hard to pinpoint. But it was there, and it made a difference. At the end there was a moment’s silence, and then loud, long applause. Dr Sloan grabbed his opportunity and shook hands with Chin Li and bowed in every direction. Claudia was glad for Li, but she feared that he’d set the bar very high indeed. After about 10 minutes, the marshal called for quiet and introduced the blue team.

  Elfie raised his baton. Claudia sucked in her breath. This was it. The moment they had all worked so hard for. Off they went. Ferdinand looked superb and played quite beautifully. Claudia noticed that he had the Stradivarius, and it made a quite remarkable sound.

  Finn must have switched violins with Ferdinand. However, it was the orchestra as a whole that did a brilliant job. There were some standout performances. Finn was enthusiastic, at times almost wildly enthusiastic, Elaine was elegant, and Claudia felt that she had played her flute as well as she possibly could. At the end, when they had finished, there was thunderous applause. Elfie bowed slowly and then called Ferdinand up to shake his hand. The judges then got up and filed into the judges’ tent.

  After tea and sandwiches, the judges sat down to discuss the performances. It was a heated discussion. At first they talked about the solo performances, and in the end it came down to Li and Ferdinand.

  ‘The sound of the violin in the blue team was superior – it had a beautiful bell-like quality.’ Mrs Moorcroft said.

  ‘Li’s interpretation was better; he had a unique style and it was a more sensitive performance,’ Colonel Carlisle replied. The judges took sides and soon they began thumping the table and shouting. The chief judge called for order.

  ‘Let’s use our common sense here,’ he said. He prided himself on his use of common sense. ‘It’s not a competition between soloists. It’s about the whole orchestra. Let’s talk about which orchestra did the best.’ There were grumbles, and some throat clearing, but they did settle down. In the end it was decided that, while the red team had the edge in the violin solos, the blue team was better as a whole, especially in the supporting performances. Elaine was mentioned, and quite surprisingly so was Claudia. The chief judge summed up. ‘Overall, it’s even on this first performance. It’s never been so tight before. We’ll go to the second performance and hope that it’s a tie-breaker.’

  No one was supposed to know what the judges had decided, but, as usual, there were a few leaks. Helen Brown thought it was fair enough to say something to Elfie.

  ‘You’re up against it, but you’ve still got a chance,’ she said.

  Dr Sloan was tipped off by Colonel Carlisle.

  ‘You’re not ahead, but you’re not behind, Sloan,’ he said.

  Elfie was encouraged by the news that they were still in it, but Sloan was furious that the red team had not won the first session. Elfie encouraged the blue team.

  ‘It doesn’t matter if we lose now – we’ve done so well we can hold our heads high.’

  Sloan, on the other hand, had a different approach. ‘You were very good, but you have to do better, much better, in the next piece. Li, we are relying on you!’ He stabbed his baton at Li. This put real pressure on Li, and his shoulders sagged. To do him credit, Sloan sensed that he may have said the wrong thing.

  ‘I don’t want you to worry, Li – just relax and do your best, and that will be quite good enough.’ Li just nodded. Sloan knew when and how to look after his own interests.

  The blue team was the first to go in the next session. Elfie had chosen a piece of music to balance the great string section in the red team. It was Mendelssohn’s Italian Symphony. The blue team had practised hard on this but they were still nervous, and Claudia was especially nervous.

  ‘If Li can do it, surely I can do it too,’ she said to herself, but the butterflies stayed. As she looked around, everyone seemed to be so serious. It was all just too much. She looked over towards the Isis and beyond. In her mind’s eye, she saw her falcon rising, majestic and free, and suddenly her butterflies were gone. She grasped her flute firmly.

  ‘Bring it on!’ she breathed to herself.

  The music went very well indeed, and Claudia’s big moment came in the second movement, where two flutes played solo. Again, Claudia thought of her falcon, soaring up there on the wind somewhere, and she gave it everything she had. The applause at the end was huge. Claudia knew that she had done well. People were smiling at her. Win, lose or draw, blue team had done their best. Red team would have to be on top of their game.

  Dr Sloan had chosen a piece of music to showcase Li. It was Saint-Saëns’s ‘Danse macabre’. Dr Sloan was himself was nervous, and kept glancing at Li. This made Li feel that he wanted to be somewhere else – the Isis, the college, C
hina, anywhere but here. They started. The music immediately drew Li in. He thought of things that he liked: the countryside, rivers, birds and his home in China. Soon his violin bow began to work its magic. Claudia sat there, enthralled by the sound. She had crossed her fingers for good luck for Li.

  Sloan sensed that he was on to a winner and became more vigorous with the baton. He bent, he swayed and he waved, and, although perspiring in the heat, it was clear he was relishing the role of the great conductor. Too much so, alas! One too many overly vigorous flourishes saw his baton fly from his perspiring hand. It flew high in the air, like a spear, up and up, and then down and down, and buried itself in one of the kettledrums. There was a gasp from the audience. It was enough to distract Li for a fraction of a second. Then this brave young man from China did something quite remarkable. He stepped forwards towards the podium, still playing, and turned to face the audience, and then played his brilliant best.

  Sloan had the sense to continue conducting with his hands, but he couldn’t help noticing that in the first row of the audience the master of Old College was bent over and had his head in his hands. At the end, the audience went wild. Sloan brought Chin Li forwards and shook his hand, and the audience stood and clapped loudly. Although he had made a slight error when Sloan threw the baton, he had made up ground with his brave gesture. Li sat down, a little dazed and quite surprised at the attention that he was getting.

  The marshal called for order and the judges filed into the tent to make their decision. The chief judge looked suitably serious.

  ‘This is a really tough one. There are even after session one, and I must remind you that we have to judge them on their music.’

  ‘Yes, but it is a performance, after all.’ Mrs Moorcroft said, bravely interrupting the chief judge. She had been quite affected by Li’s performance.

  ‘Thank you, Mrs Moorcroft,’ the chair replied, waving her down. ‘Yes, but a musical performance. Let me remind you that, as well as overall performance, we also have to judge the best performances of individuals. You’ve got the judging points in front of you. I would urge you all to use your common sense.’

  After some time, and some very heated discussion, they made their decision and filed out of the tent. The chief judge mounted the podium and addressed the crowd.

  ‘It was an extremely difficult decision,’ he said. ‘They always are, but this one was especially so. I’ll be brief. The winner of this year’s Midsummer Concert Competition, by the narrowest of margins, is… the blue team!’ There was loud applause. The blue team danced around, patted each other on the back, laughed and hooted, and generally just went wild. Even Elfie did a little jig on the grass.

  ‘Now for the commendations.’ Everyone suddenly went quiet. ‘The winner of the prize for best overall performer, by a narrow margin, is Elaine for the harp, from the blue team. It was a superb performance on the harp.’ Elaine was absolutely delighted and, to strong applause, bounced up to collect her prize, her long red hair streaming behind her. The chief judge continued.

  ‘Now for the second prize. It goes to Claudia for her flute, again from the blue team. The judges were most impressed, especially by Claudia’s performance in the second session. Come on up, Claudia!’ Claudia couldn’t believe her ears. She froze. Suddenly, Elfie was beside her.

  ‘Go on,’ he said. ‘Claudia – go up and get your prize.’ Claudia managed to get up, go up to the podium and collect her prize. She couldn’t believe the loud applause. As she sat down in her seat the chief judge spoke again.

  ‘I have the pleasure of announcing a special commendation,’ he said. ‘Sometimes luck, or fate plays a hand in these things. I think you all know what I mean,’ he nodded to the audience. ‘We want to commend Chin Li for an outstanding general performance!’

  Now the crowd did go wild. They stood and clapped and shouted ‘bravo!’. Helen Brown, no less, presented Li with his prize. Claudia was pleased for Li but noticed that he seemed to be out of sorts. Sandwiches and tea came out, and everyone came forwards to mingle with the players and to congratulate and praise their favourite performer.

  Two old ladies hovered nearby.

  ‘I just have to shake that girl’s hand,’ said Mrs King, quite ecstatic about Claudia’s performance.

  ‘My goodness me!’ Mrs Carter exclaimed as Claudia donned her floppy hat. ‘I think that is the girl in the white hat – you know?’

  Mrs King hesitated for a moment, adjusted her spectacles, and then in typical schoolteacher mode strode forwards. She knew a good thing when she saw it. ‘Never, Mrs Carter. That is clearly a different white hat!’

  Dr Fennell, the master of Old College, quickly collected Dr Sloan. He was not at all pleased with Sloan, who was trying to make excuses.

  ‘We were the better team, master – it was just unfortunate – an accident—’

  ‘—Sloan!’ the master interrupted. ‘You lost the music competition! But you won the javelin prize! Congratulations!’ Sloan’s jaw dropped. He was devastated. The master knew how to put the knife in. ‘However, Sloan, all is not lost. I’ve spoken to the Canadians and I think they will go ahead. They think there is plenty of potential to win the next one, under the right circumstances, and they like the project anyway. Be in my office tomorrow morning at 9 am, to sign a few papers. If we move fast, we can do it.’ Sloan nodded abjectly as the master made a dive for the sandwich tray.

  Meanwhile, Helen Brown, having done her best to console Li, went off to talk to Sir Michael. She felt that he needed to be prodded a little harder. She found him behind the hospitality tent, sipping champagne with a tall man in a suit, wearing dark glasses, whom she recognised as the Canadian she had seen with the master.

  ‘Sir Michael,’ she said. ‘I need to talk to you again!’ The man in dark glasses turned and looked at Helen menacingly. He was quite imposing. Sir Michael waved him back.

  ‘Dear girl – dear lady – I’m having champers, can’t you see? I’ll talk to you tomorrow – toddle off now, there’s a good thing.’

  Helen Brown, however, was made of much sterner stuff. ‘What I see – Sir Michael – is that, if you do not talk to me immediately, I will “toddle off” straight to the chief constable with certain papers, and you, Sir Michael, might well be “toddling off” to jail.’

  Sir Michael looked shocked and took a step backwards, but the big man with him took a step forwards and stood very close, too close, to Helen Brown. However, Sir Michael was no fool and knew that Helen meant business.

  ‘All right, then – if you insist,’ he moaned.

  ‘I do insist – over there might be a good place. And, by the way –’ she addressed the big man who was standing perilously close to her ‘– I’m afraid you put your foot in it! It must be the dark glasses!’ The big man looked confused, but Helen pointed downwards. He had put his foot in a large cowpat. He jumped back.

  ‘Aaaah! – What am I going to do about this?’

  ‘Take your shoe off, for starters!’ Helen replied tartly. When they were alone, Helen did not mince her words.

  ‘Sir Michael, I have no doubt that the master is going ahead with something. It is highly probable that it is illegal. If you don’t do something right away, I will go straight to the chief constable. You know what that means, don’t you?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You could be brought in for questioning.’ Helen had found her mark. Brought in for questioning? Sir Michael, vice president of the golf club, chairman of the heritage committee, chairman of the council, to name just a few, had a moment of blinding clarity. He drew himself up to his full height and handed Helen the champagne glass.

  ‘Where is the master? I want him now!’

  ‘Over there.’ Helen pointed towards the judges’ tent. Sir Michael strode over with champagne-inspired purpose to the small group standing near the tent. The master saw him coming. He also wanted to see Sir Michael.r />
  ‘Master, I need to see you as soon as possible. Urgent matter. As soon as possible.’

  ‘Well, I was hoping to see you too, Sir Michael,’ Dr Fennell replied urbanely. ‘Would tomorrow at, say, 10 am suit you?’

  ‘Yes, yes – your office? I’ll be there.’ Sir Michael lurched forwards for a moment, straightened up again and then wandered off. ‘Brought in for questioning? Me?’ he muttered to himself, now seriously focussed on this important matter. The master returned to Sloan and Jenkins.

  ‘Old codger’s had a glass too many. We’ll sign the papers before he arrives and then hit him with it as soon as he comes in. He’ll sign – no problem! Well past it – old Sir Michael – if you ask me.’

  Not far off, a crowd had gathered to celebrate the blue team’s win. Elfie was still beaming.

  ‘My first win – with my wonderful team!’ He walked around shaking hands and patting the backs of anyone and everyone. He hugged Julia, who was holding hands with Finn, and even tried to hug big Tom Tuba. Claudia was surrounded by friends and people she’d never seen before. It was a strange experience for her to get so much attention, so much so that she really couldn’t take it all in. ‘Wonderful performance!’, ‘We’ll watch your progress’ and even ‘I’m going out to buy a flute’.

  Elfie came over to congratulate her and greatly surprised her by saying that he’d like to stay in touch for the Euro Festival next year. This was all too much for Claudia.

  ‘I’m hanging up my flute for the summer,’ she said, in an attempt to avoid more attention. ‘I’d like to do something different for a while.’

  Elfie collected himself. Of course! He was presuming too much. Elaine had taught him something.

  ‘You must do whatever you like, of course, Claudia,’ he smiled as only he could smile ‘Maybe one day we’ll do something – I’m bound to run into you, garden hopping on the canal sometime…’

  Claudia’s attention was diverted at that moment by the sight of a sad-looking Li slipping by the crowd and heading for the Isis. Something triggered alarm bells in her mind. Perhaps it was the thought of herself, many weeks ago, standing on the edge of the canal, looking into the mysterious depths of the water. She knew she had to follow Li. Fortunately, Helen Brown had just arrived.