Padraig

by Mia Malone

  “You’ll have to talk to him,” Paddy repeated.

  “I will.”

  “Are you okay?” he asked quietly.

  “Yeah,” she said. “I thought it would be worse to talk about it.”

  “You should have told us.”

  “No.”

  He blinked.

  “What?”

  “I was a grown-up. It was my mistake, and it took me a while, but I got rid of him. Haven't seen him since that weekend.” Something passed over her face, but then she smiled calmly. “Are you okay, Padraig?” she asked softly.

  He swallowed and told her the truth.

  “No.”

  “Don’t take this on. It was a long time ago.”

  “You’ve had time to work on it. I just found out and Jenny, it hurts to know you went through that. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but baby-girl; it also hurts like fuck that you didn’t trust us enough to ask for help.”

  Her eyes suddenly filled with tears, and he pulled her into his arms. She curled into him and held on tight.

  “There’s something else I probably should tell you,” she whispered.

  Shit.

  “Tell me.”

  “It wasn’t easy for me to get pregnant, and I miscarried four times,” she murmured into his shirt. “I was thirteen weeks pregnant when he left, and I lost that baby too.”

  “Ah, hell, Jenny –”

  “The doctors couldn’t figure out what the problem was. It just didn’t work the three first times…”

  He knew. Fucking shit, but he knew what she was going to say and braced, holding on to his temper with everything he had.

  “Maybe it would have been the same, but I'd held on a few weeks longer that time. He –” she swallowed, and when she spoke again, her voice was sad. “He kicked me in the belly, Paddy. And four days later, I lost my baby.”

  “Oh, Jenny,” he sighed. “I'm so sorry.” The words felt ridiculously inadequate, and he pushed her head up gently until their eyes met. “I don't know what to say to make this go away,” he murmured.

  “In a way, you were part of what made it go away,” she countered. “I came back home when the bruises had faded, and for a long time, I was so lost. It felt like I was walking around in a fog, but then one day, Annie was in the kitchen with me, doing her homework. I was brooding and had almost made my mind up to sell the restaurant and just leave Wilhelmine.” She smiled a soft, sweet smile, and went on, “Then your beautiful daughter raised her head and looked at me. She had pigtails I’d sorted out for her because you’d made them all lopsided, and she watched me in silence for a long while. Then she asked if I knew how much she loved me.”

  Two tears spilled over and ran down her cheeks, and he felt like crying too.

  “I told her I knew and that I loved her too. She nodded and went back to her homework, and I went back to what I was doing but that cloud I’d been walking around in had eased off a little. It got better after that, and slowly, I found myself again.”

  He put a hand on her cheek and leaned down a little to kiss her softly. Then they sat in silence for a while, and he felt her relax into him. He was strung tight but forced himself to breathe slowly and be strong for her even though all he wanted to do was roar out his anger and frustration.

  “Please promise me one thing, Paddy,” she whispered.

  “What?”

  “Don’t look at me differently. I’m the same as earlier today, so please don’t look at me differently.”

  “I won’t,” he murmured.

  She leaned back and narrowed her eyes.

  “I know you’re angry, Paddy. I understand, but you need to find a way to work that out of your system.”

  “I’ll be fine,” he said and wondered how the hell she knew.

  All his life, he’d been able to hide his temper from everyone.

  “I’ll call Joke, ask him to come over,” she said. “He’s going to want to yell at me a little.”

  “Okay.”

  A soft knock on the frame to the back door made them both jump, and they turned to find Joke standing there, watching his sister.

  “Joke,” Jenny said and got up, interpreted the look on her brother’s face correctly and added, “You heard?”

  “Figured it’d be easier for you if you didn’t have to talk about it twice, so yeah. I listened.” He pressed his lips together and muttered, “You should have told me, Jen.”

  “I know,” she said.

  Paddy got up too and reached for Jenny.

  “You both need some time, so I’ll head over to Gibson’s for a little while,” he murmured, kissed her softly and scanned her face to make sure she was okay with him leaving.

  He watched her walk into her brother’s arms, and went out to his car where he slammed his hands into the steering wheel a few times, and on the short drive over, he tried to breathe slowly in an effort to calm down. It didn’t help, and he walked into Gibson’s living room barely able to speak.

  “Barn,” he grunted and pointed at Gibson.

  “How bad was it?” Gib asked as he closed the door.

  “Fucking bad,” Paddy ground out.

  “Tell me?”

  “Can’t.”

  “Afraid to?” Gib taunted, and that was the only thing he needed.

  With a roar, he attacked his friend. The fight was uneven, and he knew Gibson held back his punches. This made him even more furious and when he’d managed to hit Gibson in the face a couple of times the other man had clearly had enough. Gib’s fist hit Paddy in the eye so hard he saw stars, and he stumbled a step backward.

  “Jesus, Paddy. Calm the hell down,” Gibson grunted.

  “Can’t,” he ground out.

  “Sit,” Gibson ordered.

  Since most of him hurt, Paddy sat down, leaned his elbows on his knees and looked at the floor. Gibson crouched in front of him and put a steady hand on the side of his neck.

  “Tell me,” he murmured.

  “Can’t,” Paddy repeated through clenched teeth.

  “You spoon-fed me soup,” Gibson said quietly. “When I broke down, you carried me to your car and brought me back here. Then you fed me like a baby for weeks.”

  Paddy raised his head and looked at his friend’s calm face.

  “You remember those weeks?”

  “Yeah,” Gib sighed. “You held me up, so I didn’t have to sit and pee, buddy. Gave me that, knowing I’d have broken even further if I’d had to sit like a fucking girl. So, tell me. I’ll hold you up, Padraig.”

  “He raped her on their wedding night, Gib,” Paddy whispered hoarsely. “Hit her for ten years. And –” Then he closed his eyes and unloaded on his friend. “She was pregnant, and he kicked her in the belly. She lost the baby.”

  Gibson’s face twisted into a mask of anger and sadness, and Paddy couldn’t hold on any longer. He tilted his head forward and leaned his forehead on Gib’s shoulder. The tears were silent, and through them, Gibson held his strong hand firmly on his neck. Holding him up just as he'd promised. When Paddy had calmed down, he remained where he was for a few breaths, and then raised his head.

  “Shit,” he murmured.

  “Yeah,” Gibson agreed.

  “I didn't hold your dick when you peed,” Paddy said with a wry grin, which was lame but he didn't know what else to say.

  Gibson snorted and moved away to pour them two glasses of whiskey.

  “How’s Jenny?” he asked.

  “Calm. Says it wasn’t so bad. Says she handled it.”

  “She’s had almost twenty years to work through this.”

  “Joke’s with her now. He might come here too.”

  “I’ll deal.”

  And Paddy knew he would. Gibson had broken down, and it had scared the hell out of him and the other three to see their strong friend curled up in a ball, barely able to suck air into his goddamned lungs. Gibson had gotten through it, which was a fucking miracle they’d never talked about.

  “Don
’t know how you did it,” Paddy said quietly, and when he saw that Gibson didn’t understand, he went on, “Found you in Chicago like a zombie, Gib. Took you back here and when we got you in bed, I pulled the sheet up… You closed your eyes and exhaled, but it mostly sounded like a godawful whimper. Cut right through me, bud. Then Day talked to a doctor friend, and we all spent hours searching the internet, trying to figure out what to do. In the end, we didn’t have to do shit. You needed a while, but you pulled through. Don’t know how you did it, but you came out on the other side forged in fucking steel.”

  “You did it.”

  “What?”

  “You, Mac, Joke and Day. You held me up until I could breathe again. After that, it was easy. Who we are made it easy.”

  “Gibson…”

  “We lean on each other’s strength, Padraig. We did it when we were kids, when Corinne and Robbie were killed, divorces, Day’s fucking nightmare… through all other shit life has thrown in our faces and we do it now. Don’t know any other way to live. Don’t want to know.”

  Paddy swallowed, and murmured, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how I felt about Jenny a long time ago.”

  “You told me now.”

  “Yeah.”

  They sat in silence with their glasses and their thoughts for a while, and slowly, Paddy felt how he relaxed. He'd gone from shock via anger to sadness in a flash so he'd give Jenny another half hour with her brother but then he’d go home. He felt tired and wanted to hold her.

  “Gib,” he said.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome,” Gibson said calmly. “You’ll handle this.”

  “Yeah. We’ll tell the others he was a bit too quick with his fists but keep quiet about the wedding night and –”

  He couldn’t make himself say the words, but Gibson understood.

  “Okay,” he murmured.

  “I’m not sure how much Lee knows.”

  “Probably more than you.”

  “You should talk to Callum.”

  “What?”

  “Annie doesn't need to hear any details from us, but she told me she saw bruises on Jenny. She was too young to understand, and when she did, the asshole was gone, so they never talked about it. She’ll probably ask Jenny about it after tonight, and I don’t know what she’ll hear. Cal should be prepared.”

  Gib muttered a few foul words, but he did it nodding.

  “Your son is a good man, Gib.”

  “He used to shit his pants.”

  “What?”

  “He loved riding.”

  “I know.”

  “Loved it so much he wouldn’t tell me he needed to stop and take a shit. So, he did it in his pants.”

  “On a horse?” Paddy asked. “Man, that’s gross.”

  “Fuck yeah,” Gib said emphatically. “Always had gallons of water and a change of clothes in the car.”

  “He was what? Four? Bet he doesn’t do it anymore,” Paddy murmured.

  “Yeah, but it's weird hearing him saying he's someone's man when he's still that boy with shit halfway up his back to me,” Gibson said quietly.

  Paddy grinned, recognizing the feeling. Annie was someone’s woman, but she was still his little girl.

  “If they stay together we’ll be grandfathers to their kids.”

  “Fucking fantastic,” Gibson said.

  “Yup,” Paddy agreed. “You’ll be the one taking them riding though.”

  They both chuckled, clinked their glasses together and drank.

  “We’ll get through this too,” Gibson said quietly. “We should find the asshole, though.”

  “We will,” Paddy agreed. “I’ll talk to Doug.”

  “Mac did a search,” Gibson murmured. “Latest known address is in California.”

  “Good,” Paddy said. “I’ll talk to him too, but I’ll ask Doug to track the fucker down. I need to know where he is. Joke will want to know too.”

  “Right.”

  “Fuck,” Paddy sighed. “I wish she’d told us. She says it wasn’t rape, more like massive coercion, but she said no. Several times. So, it was.”

  “Yeah,” Gib agreed. “Though I gotta say, Pad. It must have sucked for him to be told by his bride she was too tired for sex.”

  “You’re making excuses for him?”

  “Hell, no. If Martin had treated her like he should have after that night, I might have, but –”

  “She said no. And it wasn’t just that night.”

  “Yeah. He always was a shithead.”

  “He was that,” Paddy muttered.

  “Don’t take this on, Pad. She chose to marry him. If she didn’t love him, then marrying him was a dumb thing to do.”

  “I know,” Paddy said. “I wish I could go back in time, though. But I can’t so I’ll –”

  He cut himself off and stared at the wall in front of him. He couldn’t go back in time, but he could give Jenny some of what he hadn’t given her back then.

  “What?” Gib asked.

  Paddy felt his lips twitch.

  “I might need some more help,” he murmured.

  Chapter Twelve

  Jenny

  I was at home, waiting for Paddy to pick me up. The weeks since Paddy found out about my marriage had been strangely normal. He came back from Gibson that night looking like shit, with bruises on his face and hands. When I looked carefully, I noticed his eyes were red and wondered if he’d cried, but I didn’t ask, and he didn’t tell. Joke looked at him and sighed.

  “Guess I won’t go over to Gib and Lee tonight.”

  “They’re waiting for you,” Paddy said calmly. “The fucker wasn’t even winded.”

  Joke snorted something unintelligible and turned to me.

  “Still pissed, Sis,” he warned me.

  And he was. He'd yelled at me for not telling him, and for staying with Martin for ten years. Then he yelled some about life in general and at that stage, I'd had enough, so I started yelling back at him. When that had gone on for a while, we calmed down, and I opened a bottle of wine. He scoffed but slugged back a glass, although he did it muttering he was a beer-man. I told him to shut up which for some reason made him laugh, and then Paddy had walked in.

  “I know,” I told my brother. “I love you.”

  He blinked, but his mouth twitched with a small smile. We hadn’t grown up in a family where words of affection were ever spoken, and I’d never told him I loved him.

  “That makes me marginally less pissed,” he muttered and wrapped his arms around me. “Swear to God, Jen. That ex of yours ever sets his foot in Wilhelmine, I’ll kill him.”

  “I’ve called dibs on that,” Paddy said calmly and poured himself a glass of wine.

  “Huh,” Joke said. “I’ll kill his carcass then.”

  “Before or after Gib pisses on it?” Paddy asked.

  “Before,” Joke said with a grin.

  I stared at them. Then Joke gave me a squeeze, let go and walked away with a wave of his hand.

  “You can’t kill Martin,” I said weakly.

  “Let’s have a glass of wine,” Paddy said, apparently not interested in discussing the potential termination of my ex-husband. “Relax for a while. I need to call Annie.”

  He made love to me that night, slowly and softly. I'd wondered if things would change between us when he found out about Martin. I'd had plenty of time to work through what had happened and liked it when he was a little rough, so I didn't want him to suddenly feel like he'd need kid gloves with me. I loved it when he was gentle too, though, and that night, he needed to be just that, so I let him.

  I woke up early the next morning with his hand between my legs, and when I widened them, he slid two fingers inside.

  “You’re already wet for me,” he murmured. “Wanna fuck you, Jen.”

  “Okay,” I breathed out.

  He reached toward the nightstand, and I took hold of his hand.

  “I’m fifty and went through m
enopause almost ten years ago. You can’t make me pregnant.”

  He froze and stared at me through the gray shadows.

  “Promise,” I whispered.

  When he didn't move, I decided that it had been a stupid thing to say and stretched my own hand out toward the nightstand, but he held it back.

  “I’ve never –” he swallowed and closed his eyes briefly. “I can go bare?”

  I nodded.

  “Okay,” he said hoarsely.

  Then he went back to lie beside me and let his hand move slowly over my belly. His fingers hit my clit, and he started to move them slowly. I widened my legs and moaned.

  “That’s right, Jenny,” he murmured. “Spread for me. Wanna make sure you’re ready for my cock.”

  I'd learned that Paddy liked to talk in bed and that I really got off on what he said.

  “I’m ready,” I told him.

  “Nuh-huh,” he murmured, and closed his lips over my nipple, sucking hard. “I've never been inside a woman without covering up, and I might embarrass myself when I slide inside, so I need to make sure you're with me.”

  I tried to come up with something to say, but he was moving until he was crouched between my legs. Then he put his mouth there, and let his tongue tease my clit in a way that made my breath hitch.

  “Oh, God,” I moaned.

  He kept eating until I was moving my hips restlessly and pulled at his hair.

  “Come in my mouth, Jenny,” he murmured against me. “Then I’ll fuck you.”

  When his mouth moved again, I did what I was told, and my orgasm tore through me because of what he did but also in anticipation of having him inside me. He kissed the inside of my thigh and moved over me.

  “Was going to take you from behind but I want to see you,” he murmured.

  I felt his hand move between us and then his cock against me. Slowly, he slid inside, and I watched his face go slack.

  “Jesus,” he murmured. “Oh, Jenny.”

  He seated himself to the hilt and went down on his elbows, so his beautiful face was all I could see.

  “Padraig,” I murmured when he stayed still and just watched me with eyes that were so soft I felt like crying. “Make love to me.”

  He smiled then and started moving.

  “One more, Jenny,” he grunted. “Use your hand, I want to feel you coming around me.”