Mossbelly MacFearsome and the Dwarves of Doom

by Alex Gardiner

  ‘Here we go, weans,’ said Wullie, and with great difficulty he swung the mallet over his head. The mallet came down on the rounded button at the bottom of the tower. An arrow crept up and stopped at the halfway point. Beside the arrow was a message:

  EAT A LOT MORE PORRIDGE – YOU ARE A WEAKLING!!!

  ‘That’s no right,’ said Wullie. ‘I was off balance. Give us another quid, pet, till I win the weans a prize.’

  ‘No, Wullie,’ said the small woman. ‘You’re no getting any more money to waste. You’ve spent enough on rubbish already. We’ve hardly got enough left for ice-cream poky-hats.’

  ‘Give the man a bartering quid chip, Roger,’ said Moss, as he walked over to Wullie and his family.

  Roger sighed, took a pound coin out of his pocket and gave it to the fairground man standing beside the tower.

  ‘See this, Wullie,’ said Moss, taking the mallet in one hand. He swung it around and over his shoulder. The mallet blurred through the air and smacked down on the button. The arrow flashed to the top of the tower and clanged into the bell. The tower swayed and some flakes of paint floated down.

  Moss turned to the man at the tower and held out his hand. ‘Weans’ prize.’

  The man closed his mouth and started fumbling in a box. He pulled out a small plaster gnome wearing a red bobble hat and handed it to Moss. Moss took the gnome, his face turning red, and shoved it at Mrs Wullie. ‘For weans, Wullie-wife, but do not keep, this is a bad mockery.’ He bent down and scooped up several small stones at the base of the tower and held them out to Wullie. ‘For the carriage driving,’ said Moss, dropping the stones into Wullie’s hand.

  ‘There you are,’ shouted a voice. ‘At last. Come away, come away. We’re in the library.’

  Roger turned to see a large lady in a heavy tweed skirt and a green waterproof jacket. Standing beside her was the dark-haired girl.

  ‘Are you—’ began Roger.

  ‘Of course I am. Come on, I’ve been looking for you. Maddie told me you were here.’ She waved a hand, turned and walked towards the castle steps.

  The dark-haired girl glared at Roger, then held up her fists. She kicked her right leg in the air three times, and then spun round and ran off in the opposite direction.

  Roger and Moss watched the girl disappear into the crowd before following the lady up the stairs and into the castle.

  As the castle doors closed, Wullie’s wife looked at Wullie. ‘Is that gold?’

  ‘Aye, it is. It’s gold right enough,’ said Wullie, clenching his fist tight around the precious metal.

  ‘How come that funny wee man gave you gold, Wullie?’

  ‘Eh, I’m no that sure, pet. I think maybe ah did him a favour... once!’

  ‘It must have been some favour. Come on, let’s get out of here before he wants it back.’

  Wullie and his wife scooped up their daughters and hurried away.

  CHAPTER

  Twelve

  Roger and Moss were ushered into a large, book-lined room with glass-panelled doors looking out on to a patio.

  ‘Do take a seat,’ said the tweed-skirted lady, pointing at two armchairs. She smiled at Roger, a friendly smile in a very plump face. ‘I’m Gwendolena Goodroom. Call me Gwen.’

  Roger watched, fascinated, as Lady Goodroom’s chins wobbled below her small, mobile mouth. She folded her arms over a considerable frontage and looked at Moss.

  ‘And we’ve met before, Mossbelly MacFearsome. Captain Mossbelly MacFearsome, the great dwarf champion, betrothed to Queen Gwri.’

  Moss stood up, slapped his chest, and bowed slightly. ‘I remember, Lady Goodroom. It is a pleasant experience to meet you again. But I’m on a quest of vital importance.’

  ‘The Doomstone Sword?’ asked Lady Goodroom. ‘I’ve heard it has been found. Has it been brought to Scotland?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Moss. ‘Its power is here. This is where the Awakening will begin.’

  Lady Goodroom shook her head and tutted. ‘And this young man?’ She flicked her hand in Roger’s direction.

  ‘A boy, Roger,’ said Moss. ‘He is my chosen Destroyer, to do what I cannot.’

  ‘Tut-tut,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘No contact with any humans except Watchers. They’re your rules. You pay for advice and secrecy. Choosing a boy – a schoolboy. Really! Could you not do better than that?’

  ‘I could not in a thousand years,’ said Moss. ‘He is a warrior. He will fight against strong enemies when there is no chance of winning. With my own eyes, I saw him wound Leatherhead Barnstorm and then cast him over a wall of stone with his bare hands. I was wounded myself and so could not—’

  ‘Wounded!’ said Lady Goodroom, moving towards Moss. ‘Who did it? Let me see.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ said Moss, but he sat down and raised his leg. ‘One of Leatherhead Barnstorm’s gorefiends attacked me from behind.’

  Lady Goodroom knelt down and looked into Moss’s eyes. ‘Leatherhead Barnstorm, eh? So that’s what it’s all about – the Great Frog Gobbing Contest? The frog feud?’

  Moss’s face began to turn purple.

  ‘Excuse me!’ said Roger, jumping to his feet. ‘Before you see to Moss, I’d just like to say something. I’ve been out all night with this grumpy dwarf and I’m in a lot of trouble because of him. My mum thinks I’ve run away. The police are after me. I’d like to go home, but I can’t. And I wasn’t “chosen”. I was forced into this. And I’m not a warrior!’

  Lady Goodroom turned and stared at Roger for a few moments. She pursed her small lips. ‘My, my, you’ve got a right feisty one here and no mistake. Perhaps a good choice after all, Captain Moss. Well done.’ She held out her hand to Roger. ‘I’m sorry if it seemed I was ignoring you. We’ll do something about your poor mother in just a minute. But first I must see to—’

  The door opened and the tall man from the tug o’ war came into the room. The dark-haired girl slipped in behind him. She was holding the megaphone.

  ‘Everything all right, Aunt Gwen?’ asked the girl.

  ‘Yes,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Sit down, both of you. We’re just having a little chat.’

  ‘Hello, me dear,’ said the man. ‘Heard you had company. One of your wee friends, is it? Messages from below ground and all that stuff?’ He tapped his lips with a finger. ‘Nuff said, shan’t breathe a word. I was hoping Tobias would be here. Need to speak to him. Have you seen him?’

  ‘Your lordship,’ murmured a voice from the doorway, as the butler glided into the room.

  ‘Ah, Tobias, old bean,’ said the thin man. ‘Need your help to move some bits of wood. Some blighter in a van just sideswiped our fence at the main entrance. Didn’t stop, just shot out of the gates.’

  ‘It’s already done, your lordship,’ said Tobias. ‘I also have the miscreant’s name and registration number if you wish to submit a claim for damages? It’s the man who delivers our paper towels every week for the public toilets.’

  ‘Oh, you mean Wullie,’ said the thin man. ‘I like him, he’s a good sort. Well, it’s just a fence, we’ll forget it.’ He looked at Lady Goodroom. ‘Funny sort of day, me dear – there’s a riot in the beer tent and the farmers are fighting the schoolteachers.’

  ‘Oh, the poor teachers,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Can’t you stop it, Pen?’

  ‘That’s the funny thing,’ said Lord Goodroom. ‘The teachers are winning, dashed odd.’

  ‘Ah well, as long as they’re enjoying themselves,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Now, we have more important business. This –’ she pointed at Moss – ‘is Captain Mossbelly MacFearsome and his companion, Roger. They are here on a matter of the utmost importance. This is my husband, Penrose, and our ward, Maddie.’

  Roger looked puzzled.

  ‘We are Maddie’s guardians, her legal guardians,’ explained Lady Goodroom. ‘And you’ve already met our butler, Tobias.’

  There were murmurs and nodding heads all round. Lady Goodroom spoke again.
‘Penrose knows most of what I do in my capacity as Witchwatcher for the dwarves, although I don’t really involve him in anything much. You’re a little bit eccentric, dear.’ She spoke loudly. ‘Aren’t you?’

  ‘Batty as a bag of budgies,’ said Lord Goodroom, nodding happily.

  ‘And Maddie is the future,’ said Lady Goodroom, smiling at the girl. ‘She is learning what it means to be a Witchwatcher.’

  Maddie stood in front of Roger and Moss and stared at them. ‘Just so you know, I can do karate,’ she said, concentrating on Roger. ‘I’m a yellow belt already.’

  ‘Oh, that’s good,’ said Roger, smiling at the intense girl in front of him and desperately trying to think of something impressive to say. She had mesmerising hazel eyes.

  ‘And Tobias only knows a little of what I do,’ continued Lady Goodroom, looking at her butler. ‘My connection with the dwarves. But I don’t think you know a great deal about it, eh?’

  ‘As you say, your ladyship,’ said Tobias. ‘I’ve picked up a little here and there, but not quite the whole picture. Not my business.’

  ‘Good man,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘Well, it’s time to bring you up to scratch. It looks as though there is going to be trouble. We could be in for a fight.’ She looked to Moss.

  Moss nodded and stood up.

  ‘There are gorefiends walking the Outerland,’ said Moss, taking off his satchel and placing it on a table. He winked at Roger and tapped his nose twice before continuing. ‘They are led by Leatherhead Barnstorm, and they are after this.’ Moss took out the hammer with the gold band and put it on the table. ‘This is the only thing that can stop the destruction of the human race.’

  For the next few minutes Moss explained his mission, how he had been tasked to destroy the Doomstone Sword before the ogres were awakened, and how he had met Roger and then been attacked by gorefiends.

  ‘But what makes you think they’ll come here, old chap?’ asked Lord Goodroom. ‘D’ye think they followed you?’

  ‘Gorefiends have my scent in the Outerland,’ said Moss. ‘Being made from dead bodies, all body odours are very special to them.’ He pointed at Roger. ‘A gorefiend escaped when I was attacked and they now have the boy’s scent as well. They found my location before, and Leatherhead knows there is a Watcher in this area. He has killed many Watchers since he fled our realm. He will have gorefiends scouting the area and he has sworn to kill me. He may bring the Doomstone Sword this time.’

  ‘But there’s another reason why you’re both here, and at the same time.’ Lady Goodroom spoke quietly. ‘You haven’t quite given us the whole story, have you, Captain Mossbelly MacFearsome?’

  Everyone looked at Lady Goodroom.

  ‘What?’ Maddie glanced at Moss, and then back at Lady Goodroom. ‘Why are they both here at the same time?’

  ‘The Great Frog Gobbing Feud began at a village near here,’ said Lady Goodroom slowly. ‘And you –’ she pointed at Moss – ‘are here to draw him out. You are the bait. His hatred of you is so strong that he would rather come here to kill you than do the sensible thing – raise the ogres. Am I right?’

  Moss grunted and cleared his throat. His face above his beard was bright red. ‘You have the truth of it, Lady Goodroom.’

  ‘I knew it,’ said Lady Goodroom, just a touch smugly. ‘Leatherhead is blinded by his hatred of you, isn’t he?’

  Moss looked around at each person in the room. ‘My Queen has been planning all along to save your race from destruction. We hatched our plot. We let it be known that I was in the Outerland, with the hammer. That I was near the site of his – hruuumph – humiliation at the village of Fowlis Wester.’ Moss tapped himself on the chest. ‘I am the worm on the line to catch the gandygut.’

  ‘But that’s daft,’ said Roger. ‘You’re saying that you’re here so that Leatherhead comes after you? He wants you dead more than anything else? Why doesn’t he just get on with raising the ogres and take care of you later. He’s got the Doomstone Sword.’

  ‘No.’ Moss shook his head and took a deep breath. ‘I am his main purpose. He has this inexplicable hatred of me. Like I told you, when he fled our realm he swore a sacred oath on the Twisted Toenail of the Wicked Princess that, if I were ever to appear anywhere in the Outerland, he would seek me out and kill me. He must fulfil that oath before he can do aught else.’

  Lord Goodroom pressed a finger against his head and looked thoughtful. ‘Twisted Toenail...’ He pointed his finger in the air. ‘Ah, got it, that’s a nice wee pub, in Perth. Been there a few times...’

  Lady Goodroom shook her head and mouthed a silent no.

  ‘When he comes for me,’ continued Moss, ‘Roger will have a chance to smite the Doomstone Sword! To do what I as a dwarf cannot. And when the sword is broken and its power drained...’ There was a long pause. ‘Then I will fight Leatherhead, to the death.’

  Roger glanced at the hammer lying on the table. He didn’t feel too good. It had been fun when he had been with Moss in the woods and Moss had been talking rubbish and laughing and drinking. But here, in this room, what he was being asked to do did not feel nearly so amusing.

  ‘Maddie’s parents were Witchwatchers,’ said Lady Goodroom, looking grim. ‘When she was little, they fought him, but Leatherhead Barnstorm slew them. Maddie was fortunate to survive that terrible day. He is a fierce warrior.’

  Moss nodded. ‘He is a fierce warrior. But I am Mossbelly MacFearsome.’

  Roger glanced at the girl. Maddie was standing very still; her shoulders were pulled back and her head was held high.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘I had hoped this day would never come.’ She puffed out her cheeks. ‘Well, dwarf gold has funded my projects for many years, and it’s also kept this old place from going under. We’ll fight with you, of course. After all, it is we who you are trying to save.’

  ‘So,’ said Lord Goodroom, rubbing his hands together. ‘There could be a bit of a ding-dong, eh? You with us, Tobias, old chap? You used to be a wrestler.’

  ‘Most certainly,’ said the butler, bowing slightly. ‘Nothing would give me greater pleasure.’

  ‘Me too,’ said Maddie. She placed the megaphone on the floor, made two fists and pumped her arms back and forward vigorously. ‘I’ll fight.’

  ‘We’ll talk about that later,’ said Lady Goodroom gently.

  ‘When will the blighters come?’ asked Lord Goodroom. ‘And how many?’

  ‘I think there will be many, and that they will come at dawn tomorrow.’ Moss gestured out of the window at the Games. ‘There are too many humans here now. And gorefiends like to return to graveyards for the dark hours.’

  ‘Well, June mornings are very light,’ said Lady Goodroom, walking over to the table. ‘So they could be here in the early hours tomorrow.’ She thought for a moment. ‘That still gives us plenty of time to prepare for an attack. In the meantime, this –’ she lifted the gold-banded hammer and walked over to a large painting of a duck hanging on a wall – ‘goes somewhere no one can get it.’ The picture on the wall swung outwards revealing a small safe. Lady Goodroom fiddled with a combination lock, opened the safe, popped the small hammer inside and then turned the dial several times. ‘There now, only Penrose and I know the combination.’

  ‘And I can’t remember it,’ said Lord Goodroom, rolling his eyes.

  ‘Now,’ said Lady Goodroom, ‘I’ll attend to the captain’s wound and then I’ll phone Roger’s mum to stop her worrying.’

  ‘How will you do that?’ asked Roger.

  Lady Goodroom smiled. ‘I’ll put a spell on her, of course. After all, I am a witch.’

  CHAPTER

  Thirteen

  Lord Goodroom, Maddie and Tobias left the room as Lady Goodroom set to work on Moss’s leg. She stripped the bandage and then bathed the wound. ‘You’ll be fine,’ she said, wrapping a fresh bandage around his leg. ‘It’s doing nicely and I’ve put a healing spell on it to speed the process.’
>
  She turned to Roger as Moss hobbled out.

  ‘Now, what’s your mother’s first name?’

  ‘Er, June,’ said Roger. ‘What are you going to do?’

  ‘Just a little magic to take away her worry,’ said Lady Goodroom, sitting down. She indicated the seat beside her and passed a telephone to Roger. ‘Just dial your number, blow gently into the phone three times and then give the phone back to me. Don’t say anything until I have woven the spell.’

  Roger dialled his home number. His mother answered the phone after two rings. Roger blew three times.

  ‘Hello. Who’s there? Is that you, Roger?’

  Lady Goodroom took the phone from Roger. ‘June? I’m a friend of Roger. I have a message for you. Just listen. Just listen. Are you listening? Good. June, you are serene. June, you are tranquil. June, you are calm.’ Lady Goodroom began to hum softly. She handed the phone back to Roger.

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ said Roger.

  There was a few seconds of silence, then his mother’s voice. ‘Hello, Roger,’ she said calmly. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Er, yes, Mum, I’m fine.’

  ‘Good, Roger. When will you be coming home?’

  ‘I’m not too sure. It won’t be very long, a day or two. Are you all right?’

  ‘Oh yes. I was quite worried. But now that I’ve heard from you, I’m fine. Are you getting enough to eat?’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’

  ‘Good. Make sure you clean your teeth. Come home soon, Roger, we’re missing you. Bye then, love.’

  ‘Bye, Mum.’ Roger put the phone down.

  ‘Good,’ said Lady Goodroom. ‘That takes care of that. Unfortunately my spells are not powerful. That one only lasts for a couple of days and then the poor woman will be twice as bad as she was. Now, food and drink for both of you, then you can relax. When our Highland Show finishes, we’ll talk again.’

  ‘Thank you for doing that,’ said Roger. He hesitated. ‘Can I ask you something?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Lady Goodroom. She laughed. ‘You are part of this, and I’ve never had a fully-fledged Destroyer in my little castle before.’