Habits of a Happy Brain

by Loretta Graziano Breuning

  EXERCISE: WHAT ARE YOUR NEW ENDORPHIN STRATEGIES?

  Make a list of remodeling projects that can work for you in each of the following categories:

  Laugh

  Cry

  Exercise differently

  Stretch

  Make exercise fun

  Building New Oxytocin Circuits

  Build on “Proxy” Trust

  Social trust is hard to create, so people often use proxies. Animals, crowds, and digital friends are proxies that can stimulate good feelings of social trust without the complications of human bonds. The oxytocin is less than with live personal contact, of course. But proxies can expand the foundation for future trust.

  Proxy trust is comfortable because there’s less risk of disappointment. Animals don’t betray you, large crowds don’t judge you, and digital friends are always available. Direct human trust always comes with the risk of disappointed expectations and feelings of betrayal. Those bad feelings built circuits that fire when you think about trusting again. Your neurochemical alarm bells ring and your brain presumes there’s a good reason. But if you give up on direct interpersonal trust, your brain feels that something is missing. And it is: Oxytocin is missing.

  Start with small steps that don’t trip your alarm. Every time you feel good about an animal, a crowd, or a digital relationship, tell yourself “I am creating this good feeling.” It may sound silly or self-centered, but knowing that you are creating it gives it a chance to grow. There will always be reasons for distrust to grow, so a source of balance is precious.

  Notice your trusting feelings from any source for forty-five days, and you will build a foundation that can ignite more.

  Place Stepping Stones

  Maybe there’s someone you want to trust, but you can’t bridge the divide. It’s good to know you can build trust with a long series of very small interactions. Individuals or groups with an unfortunate history cannot always wipe the slate clean all at once. Intermediate steps build trust gradually. The stepping stones can be placed so close together that neither party risks a big betrayal. Each step need only create positive expectations about the next step rather than resolve the whole problem. Each small experience of trust stimulates the good feeling of oxytocin, which connects neurons that help trigger more.

  Divorce lawyers use this strategy to help a couple reach agreement. You might try it with that person who is “ruining your life.” Initiate a very small interaction, and if that proceeds without disaster, do it again. The goal is not to trust blindly and get disappointed. The goal is to build positive expectations.

  Coexisting without trust is bad, but getting burned again is worse. So instead of taking a leap of faith with that crazy neighbor or the coworker who stabbed you in the back, you can find steps that are comfortable. For forty-five days, craft reciprocal exchanges that build stepping stones toward trust with difficult people. You can’t predict the results since you can’t control others. But you will expand your sense of control over the trust bonds in your life. This is hard work, and it may not feel good in the short run. But in the long run, it builds confidence that you can do something about those thorns in your side.

  You might start by just making eye contact with that person who’s making your life difficult. The next day, you could comment on the weather, and add a smile the day after that. It could take a week to build up to a shared chuckle about traffic, and even that may stir up bad feelings that are curiously strong. But you will continue making neutral contact—neither venting anger nor rushing to please. In forty-five days, you will have built a new shared foundation. You may always need to limit your trust in this person, but you will be able to relax in his presence the way gazelles relax in a world full of lions.

  Be Trustworthy

  Oxytocin works both ways. When other people trust you, it feels good whether or not you trust them. You can enjoy more oxytocin by creating opportunities for people to trust you.

  Handle this strategy with care—you do not want to be the rescuer of everyone you know forty-five days from now. Your goal is simply to feel the pleasure of another person’s trust for a moment each day. Of course, you can’t force other people to trust you, and it may take more than a moment to extend yourself in ways that build trust. Do not spend a lot of time seeking approval. Simply honor your commitments, and then pause to enjoy being a person who honors her commitments. It may sound self-important, but the circuit it builds is the foundation of future trust. So plan to honor your commitments scrupulously for forty-five days.

  Create a Trust Verification System

  You can practice the old adage “trust, but verify.” Monitor results. Count your change. Check up on people. That may sound harsh, but verifying makes it possible to develop trust with strangers. If you’re too nice to verify, you get stuck inside the safe harbor of people you already trust.

  To venture beyond, you have to interact with people whose trustworthiness is unknown. By trusting and verifying, new trust can grow. If you do it for forty-five days, you can’t predict what others will do, but you can build confidence in your ability to extend your trust circle. Instead of being confined to the niche where you can trust everyone, you have a tool for taking controlled risks.

  Do not grow your circle by trusting people who are not trustworthy. The goal is not to trust as an end in itself, but to gather information about good places to trust. You succeed whether or not the other person shortchanges you, because you build trust in your own verification plan. Celebrate that each day, whether your trust is rewarded or disappointed.

  Natural selection rewarded those who fanned out from familiar turf. In the animal world, young males are often ousted from their natal groups, or they leave on their own initiative because they’re excluded from mating opportunities. They experience huge cortisol stress when they leave their trust networks for parts unknown, according to excretory samples taken in the wild. This stress intensifies when a new troop rejects them. But the seekers don’t give up. They keep trying to build trust bonds, because it feels great when they succeed.

  Get a Massage

  Massage stimulates oxytocin. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to have a daily massage. Here are some other options:

  Start a reciprocal exchange with a massage buddy.

  Build the skill in a community-education class so you can absorb the enthusiasm of your classmates.

  Try self-massage, which is surprisingly effective, too. The Qi Gong self-massage technique requires no special strength and it’s easy to learn from a video.

  Once you create the habit of stimulating your oxytocin in this way, it’s a pleasure you will always have available.

  EXERCISE: WHAT ARE YOUR NEW OXYTOCIN STRATEGIES?

  Make a list of remodeling projects that can work for you in each of the following categories:

  Build on “proxy” trust

  Place stepping stones

  Be trustworthy

  Build a trust verification system

  Get a massage

  Building New Serotonin Circuits

  Express Pride in What You’ve Done

  Pride is complicated. Applause-seeking can have bad side effects, but when you get no recognition from others, something feels wrong. You could applaud yourself, but the brain is not easily tricked by hollow self-respect. It wants respect from others because that has survival value. Alas, there is no guaranteed safe way to get this serotonin boost. Social recognition is unpredictable and fleeting. But you can stimulate your serotonin without being “a jerk.” Simply express pride in something you’ve done once a day.

  Pride is a rudder that helps you navigate opportunities to get social recognition. It helps you steer between the opposite extremes of constant approval-seeking and cynical dejection.

  Taking pride in yourself means more than just thinking it silently. It means daring to say, “Look what I did!” to another living soul. Asking others to respect your accomplishment is risky because you may be disappointed. Peop
le often protect themselves by insisting that social respect doesn’t matter or that it’s hopelessly unfair. But these rationales don’t soothe the mammal brain’s longing for the sense of security that social respect brings.

  So for forty-five days, say “look what I did” to someone else once a day. You will expect a positive reaction, and if you don’t get it, you will learn that it doesn’t kill you. The next day you will crow with positive expectations again. It’s hard to overcome negative expectations. It’s natural to have concerns about the “right” way to crow. But if you keep trying for forty-five days, you will wire in the feeling of social respect.

  KEEP AT IT

  Many of the people we admire today got little respect while they were alive, but they kept working anyway. Do not assume that people who accomplish things have a perpetual cheering squad. It would be nice if that adulation just came to you, but keep going if it doesn’t.

  Ironically, people who get public adulation often complain about it. They feel trapped, longing to do something different, but fearful of losing the applause they have.

  Whether you get a lot of social regard or a little, your brain will keep longing for it. That’s what your mammal brain does. And that’s why you need the skill of taking pride in your own accomplishments instead of waiting around for applause.

  If you focus on your shortcomings, you tend to overlook any applause you already have. You may be getting quiet respect that is not expressed as audible applause. That’s why it’s useful to expect appreciation once a day, even if you have to force yourself. It allows you to take in what is already there.

  Enjoy Your Social Position in Each Moment

  Believe it or not, your social position changes constantly. One minute you feel like you’re in the subordinate position and the next minute you find yourself in the dominant position in relation to those you focus on. You hate the subordinate position, but when you’re dominant, that frustrates you too. You can learn to enjoy the advantages of wherever you are instead of focusing on the frustrations.

  You may think equality would make you happy, but the closer you get to it, the more your brain finds tiny differences to dwell on. When mammals gather, each brain seeks the good feeling of being dominant. You can easily see this in others, but when your brain does it, it feels like you’re just seeking what you deserve. Your inner mammal will constantly find ways that you have been undervalued and this can make you miserable even in a rather good life. You will be much happier if you relax and enjoy wherever you find yourself.

  You have built expectations about social rivalry from your past experience. The frustrations and disappointments of your past built circuits that make it easy for you to feel bad about being in the one-down position and bad about being in the one-up position. You could spend your whole life longing for the position you’re not in. Or you could build up the circuits that find the good in what you have:

  When you’re in the subordinate position, notice the advantages. Someone else is in the “hot seat.” You’re not responsible for protecting others, and you don’t have to worry about defending your position.

  When you’re in the dominant position, enjoy the moments of respect and choice instead of being overwhelmed by the pressure, because those moments will end.

  For forty-five days, notice your status frustrations and remind yourself of the hidden advantages of wherever you are. Your status will always be going up and down in small ways. Your mammal brain will always keep track of it, as much as you wish it wouldn’t. If you fret over your position, the fretting will never end. You can focus on the positives instead. Once you create this thought habit, you will always have a way to make peace with your mammal brain.

  Notice Your Influence

  Many people try to raise their status by looking for the bad in others. They feel good about themselves in comparison, but they pay a high price for this serotonin boost. It surrounds them with bad will. You can make a small change that stimulates your serotonin without the harmful side effect. Simply enjoy your influence on others. Without criticizing or controlling, you can notice when others mirror your good example. Don’t expect credit or even a thank you. Just quietly enjoy.

  This may sound arrogant, but every mammal brain longs for social significance. Everyone wants to have an impact on the world and fears dying without a trace. If you don’t meet the need in healthy ways, you will be tempted to meet it in ways that hurt. Some people cause harm intentionally just to feel their impact. There is an alternative: Value the impact you already have.

  Right this minute, people may be respecting you behind your back. If your antennae are busy looking for disrespect, you won’t know it. People may be secretly admiring you, and instead of enjoying it, you may be anticipating criticism from them. If so, you’re wasting that potential serotonin boost.

  Stop once a day to appreciate your good effect on others. Don’t call attention to it or say “I told you so.” Simply look for your subtle influence and feel satisfied. If you do this for forty-five days, you will feel satisfied by your ability to influence the world and you will feel less frustrated by other people’s flaws and neglect. You will have a mental pathway to feel good about your social importance.

  Parents often bemoan their lack of influence over their children. If they knew how much they really do influence their kids in the long run, they would pay more attention to the example they set.

  Make Peace with Something You Can’t Control

  Your brain looks for things you can control and feels good when you’re in charge. But our control is often limited and unpredictable, so frustration percolates. You can learn to feel comfortable with your limited control. That doesn’t mean being out of control or giving up. It means feeling safe when you’re not in charge.

  To build this new circuit, notice your usual strategy for feeling “on top of things,” and do the opposite. For example, if you are a person who tries to bake the perfect soufflé, spend forty-five days cooking without recipes. Conversely, if you are a person who likes to just throw things into a pot, spend forty-five days following recipes.

  If you are a person who likes everything neat, let junk pile up for six weeks. But if you are a person who hates order and loves chaos, put things away as soon as you use them for six weeks. Color outside the lines if that’s new for you, but if you already pride yourself on that, courageously stay inside the lines. It might feel awful on Day One, but forty-four days later it will feel curiously safe.

  Getting rid of the clock is a great way to experiment with control, because you can’t control time. We all have habits for managing the harsh reality of time. For some it’s chronic lateness and for others it’s constant clock-checking. You may think you can’t change your relationship with time, but here are three great ways to ignore the clock and make friends with the passage of time:

  Start an activity without having an exact time you need to stop. Finish the activity without ever checking the clock the whole time. It’s over when you feel like it’s over.

  Set aside a time each day to spend with no plan.

  Designate a day you can wake up without looking at the clock and continue through your day with no time-checking.

  No matter how busy you are, you can find a way to relax your efforts to control time. You may be surprised at the bad feelings that come up, despite your abiding wish to escape time pressure. The bad feelings won’t kill you, however, and accepting them helps you accept the harsh realities of time.

  Your mammal brain feels good about things it can control. Some people break traffic laws to enjoy a sense of control, while others feel their power by scolding those who break traffic laws. Whatever gives you a sense of power won’t work all the time, however. You will end up feeling weak and unimportant some of the time. That triggers cortisol, but you can learn to feel safe when you are not in control.

  For forty-five days, give up control instead of trying to control the world in your accustomed ways. Don’t quit your day job to beg
with a rice bowl. Just stop checking the weather report, buying lottery tickets, and expecting the world to work according to your rules. Choose one habit you have for feeling in control, and do without it. If you can’t give up your control ritual completely, commit to giving it up for a certain time each day. You will learn to feel safe in the world despite your inability to control it.

  EXERCISE: WHAT ARE YOUR NEW SEROTONIN STRATEGIES?

  Make a list of remodeling projects that can work for you in each of the following categories:

  Express pride in what I’ve done

  Enjoy my social position in each moment

  Notice my influence

  Make peace with something I can’t control

  The Challenges of Establishing a Habit

  If you were planning a trip to the Amazon, you’d have to choose between interesting places far from paved roads and destinations that are easily accessible. The exotic locales would entice you, but when you saw what it took to get there, you might gravitate toward the beaten path.

  It’s the same with your jungle of neurons. New goals sound great, but once you start slogging toward them, well-paved neural highways may tempt you. You can build a new highway if you slog for forty-five days. Exciting destinations will become accessible, so your old roads will be less tempting.