Since I wanted to keep the formula for gunpowder secret as long as possible (thankfully, nobody had access to Star Trek reruns. Foreruns?), in addition to saltpeter, we also purchased similar quantities of dozens of other substances. The idea was that nobody would be able to determine the formula by looking at our purchases. Call me paranoid.
Chapter 20
The moon is about 250,000 miles away.
Book of Questionable Facts – 449
Our economic stimulus program bore rapid fruit. Just a few days later the city looked almost normal. There were sellers in the Agora and workshops were busy. Prices were adjusting and not everything was as available as before, but it seemed a small price to pay for the freedom of thousands.
Isodemos, and Melite and I were in the Agora watching the renewed bustle of commerce with satisfaction, when one of our newly minted police officers approached.
“My lord!”
“I’m not your lord.”
“What?” she was confused.
“I’m not your lord. I’m just Robert.”
“Lord Robert!” Oh well, I tried “The Spartans approach!”
“How close?” Damn, they arrived faster than I had hoped.
“Our scouts report they’re a little more than half a day’s march. If they stop to rest, they’ll be here tomorrow morning, but if they push on they could arrive before midnight!”
“Ok. Tell Tros to meet with us in the Strategeion as soon as he can.”
When Tros arrived about a half an hour later, we were already deep in planning.
“Hi, Tros. Let me catch you up on our plans. The Spartan army is about a half a day’s march. Our intelligence says they have about 500 cavalry and 3000 heavily armored hoplite infantry.
“Basically, we are planning to use the same things that have worked so far, plus a little extra. We’re going to push the power of the Great God Einstein, and try to win them over to our side.
“We’ve got a variety of explosives ready, plus Dikaiopolis has something special. I don’t want to use the balloon unless we have to. We were lucky the other day that everyone was at the assembly, so no one could see us fill it. I’d like to keep our secrets as long as possible.
“But I want us to be prepared. For anything. That means putting as many of your people as possible behind the breach.
“I don’t think there’ll be any fighting, but let’s prepare. I want 1000 troops behind the breach. However, we also need to guard against the citizens arming themselves. If they get armed and gather in groups, there is a good chance they’ll try to retake the city as soon as the Spartan army leaves.
“So, the rest of our troops need to continue patrolling the streets. Any armed citizens are to be disarmed and escorted home. No fighting unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
“Ok.” He nodded, “I’ll prepare the troops.”
Socrates asked a question. “What worked before, was when the god, destroyed the wall to the city. Now that you are behind the wall that would hardly be as effective. Where will you use your thunder that will impress the Spartans in the same way?”
“Well, I’ve got two plans. It all depends on whether they arrive in the daytime or at night. Personally I hope they arrive at night, but let’s…”
“Prepare for both!” Everyone shouted together.
“Ok. I’m predictable! But let’s prepare for both!”
Pericles added. “The Spartans prepare for war constantly. Their armies are fantastically disciplined and don’t know the meaning of the word retreat. We Athenians are a softer people. I’ll admit it. We were easy to frighten. I don’t think the Spartans will frighten so easily. They,” He gestured to indicate the city as a whole, “don’t follow your god out of piety. They follow out of fear and hope for a better future. The Spartans don’t know fear, so work on offering them hope.”
“Good advice. Pericles, if you’re willing, I have a dangerous job for you.”
“I’m always ready to serve the Great God Einstein and Athens! No matter the danger!”
“Great, I want you to hurry the Spartans along. I want them here tonight.”
“How do suggest I hurry them? I’m just one man and they’re an army of thousands.”
“When I was in Megakreon’s house, I read a history of the Persian war. There was an Athenian general who falsely told the Persian king that the Athenian fleet was planning to escape. The false intelligence caused the Persian fleet to spend the whole night sailing in an attempt to thwart the non-existing escape. But the Persian ships were unable to maneuver in the tight straights and in the morning the Athenian fleet was able to defeat the larger, but exhausted, Persian fleet. ”
“Themistocles. I would be honored to be your Themistocles.”
“Thank you. Do your best to get them here before morning. And beat them back. I want you here in case something goes wrong and we need to rouse the citizens.”
“Of course, the Themistocles role only works if both sides think I’m on their side.”
“Wait?” Asked Melite. “You want them here sooner? Not later? Why?”
“Come with us and I’ll explain as we prepare a second line defense.”
“Ok. Everybody prepare as best you can. Fotis, Dikaiopolis, grab some shovels and come with me.”
As we walked, I explained my plans in detail to Fotis, Dikaiopolis and Melite. Once she was satisfied I wasn’t PLANNING on getting us all killed, she let us get about our work.
“Grab a shovel Melite, there’s plenty of digging for everyone.”
She put her hand to her back and shoved her swollen belly forward to accentuate its size. “Digging isn’t good for pregnant women. Sorry. I’d really like to help.”
It was going to be a long night. Luckily, although the trench we were digging was long and fairly wide, it didn’t need to be very deep.
We finished in about 3 hours. It was now fully night and so far no sign of the Spartans or Pericles.
We sent for some food and a little vodka (just to take the edge off) and climbed the city walls to wait. We settled down just above the city gate, almost exactly where Aspasia and Cilo had been just a few days ago. From the wall, we could see the soldiers assembling behind the breach. They were only about 100 feet away.
When he saw us, Tros came over and shouted his report. He had about 1100 soldiers patrolling the city. They had encounter some small groups of armed citizens and disarmed them with little difficulty. One of our police force had accidentally cut himself drawing his sword, but so far that was the limit of our casualties.
Time passed slowly. There was a constant flow of people below and on the walls. Messengers, people delivering food and drink, people wandering off to find a place to piss. An army, even one that’s just sitting still, requires a lot of services.
From time to time Tros would shout up reports from the patrols. There was a lot of tension in the city and our troops had fought several small skirmishes. Although the firecrackers usually worked to remind the citizens of the power of the God, some stubborn citizens had resisted being disarmed and our troops had had to use force. One citizen was badly injured and not expected to recover and 3 of our people had suffered minor injuries.
If the Spartans didn’t arrive soon, we would have to take steps to reassert control of the city. But our resources were getting thin and resupply was a 5 days ride away and on the other side of the Spartan army.
So, I was incredibly relieved when, about an hour later, Pericles rode up the main gate. They ushered him through and up onto the wall.
“How did it go, Pericles?”
“I should have been an actor! When I told them that you planned on escaping before dawn, they didn’t seem overly concerned. ‘Easier to take the city if they abandon it.’ They said. Of course, once I told them you would be taking the treasury with you, they changed their tune! They should be here within the hour! And I might add, that if they defeat you, one Pericles, son of Xanthippus, stands to gain a substantial reward!” He let
out a long laugh.
“You really seem to enjoy betraying us!”
“Best fun I’ve had in a long time! I hope we win so that I can do it again!”
Socrates laughed at his joke and Pericles clapped Socrates on the back and put his arm around his shoulder. Things on the wall were getting weird. I assume because everybody, except me, expected to die before morning.
The funny thing is, they were all true believers. The idea that I came from a world of advanced technology and that these ‘miracles’ were just the few scientific ideas I could manage to ‘invent’ with the resources at hand, would have seemed crazy to them. The explanation that I was in contact with the God and he was telling me what to do, struck them as completely reasonable. Still, they didn’t expect even the Great God Einstein would be able to defeat the vaunted Spartan army with just a few ill-trained troops. The calculation as they saw it was, we had our god and the Spartans had their god. And god against god, we would probably win. But, the Spartans had their army and we had our army and army against army we would be slaughtered. And as they integrated the two calculations, they always came up with a negative number for our side (not that they knew about negative numbers. Except the few who had attended my basic math classes.).
A short while later, when the first of the Spartan cavalry came into sight and lined up in front of the breach about 100 yards from the wall, followed by their infantry, I had to admit they all had a point. For a brief moment I expected to die before morning too.
The difference between these troops and our own was immediately clear. Compared to these professional troops, lined up in neat ranks, fully armed and armored, our people looked like a bunch of children putting on a show in the barn, admission 25 cents.
A small group of soldiers on horseback detached from the main rank and approached to just outside bowshot.
“I am Archidamus, king of Sparta! Surrender the city and your lives will be spared!”
Ok. Showtime! I moved to the front of our group. “Great king Archidamus, In the Name of the Great God Einstein, we must reject your request and ask you to return to Sparta immediately!”
“Who are you to speak for the city of Athens? You are not Pericles, nor, by your barbarian Greek, any man of Athens.”
“I am OZ, the great and powerful!”
“What?”
“What?”
“What?”
“What?”
“What?”
“What?”
Everybody on the wall with me asked.
“Oh lighten up, it’s just a little gallows humor. I’ve always wanted to say that!”
Then I turned back to Archidamus, “Sorry, little joke. But some people,” I turned to glare at my friends and companions, “have no sense of humor. I am Robert, high priest of the Great God Jack Daniels and High Priest of the Great God Einstein, citizen of Megara, and ally of Sparta. I have taken this city in the name of the God and on the behalf of the city of Megara.”
“I’ve heard of you. And your god, Jack Daniels. And your vodka. We don’t drink it in Sparta. We are soldiers.
“If you have taken Athens on the behalf of the city of Megara, this was ill done. Our alliance has not authorized Megara to capture Athens. Deliver the city to me, and you may return to Megara unmolested.”
“That I cannot do great king. I have taken the city on behalf of the city of Megara but also in the name of the Great God Einstein. And the god commands me to hold it in his name! Behold this breach in the mighty wall of Athens. The Great God Einstein broke the walls of Athens. Return to Sparta and avoid his wrath!”
“I see the breach and I thank your god for making our conquest easy. Once we have taken the city, I will be sure to offer a young bull to your Einstein in thanks!”
They turned their horses and started slowly back to the ranks of soldiers. “Where are their saddles?” I asked Pericles, having noticed that they all rode bareback, with just a blanket covering the horse’s back.
“What? Stop joking. We’re about to get slaughtered unless you do something.”
“No, but they don’t have saddles. You know on their horses. Like chairs so that you don’t fall off the horse.”
“You use your legs to not fall off the horse.”
“Really no saddles? Not on our side either?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about and you don’t have any cavalry, but as soon as they reach their line they’ll be ordering an attack. If you are going to do something, now would be a good time!”
I lit a length of rope from a nearby torch and blew it to a red glow then touched it to the fuse. With a shower of sparks the rocket shot from its holder. I’d aimed low hoping to shoot it just over their heads. But my aim was lower than I thought and the rocket, with its tail of flame, shot between the men on horseback at about shoulder height and landed just ahead of them. The horses spooked and shied back, refusing to advance. Then suddenly the rocket exploded in a burst of light. The horses, already frightened, panicked. Archidamus was thrown from his horse as were 2 of his companions. Further ahead there was disorder in the Spartan lines as both cavalry and infantry tried to move back simultaneously.
Archidamus, to his credit, got to his feet and more or less calmly strode the few yards to his line and quickly began to bring his troops under control.
I nodded to Dikaiopolis, and he lit the fuse he had been holding. Suddenly the night sky was alight with rockets. And as they burst in the air in brightly colored designs, the Spartan troops, panicked. I love fireworks!
Archidamus, quickly took stock of the damage, and finding none, once again brought his troops under control and ordered them forward. The cavalry had dismounted, since they couldn’t take their horses into the breach. So, the entire force of 3500 men advanced towards the breach on foot.
I stood on the wall and calmly lit a firecracker and tossed it to the ground in front of us. It went off with a small bang and then. Nothing! Slightly less calmly, I lit another and tossed it with a little more force. Bang! Then… Nothing! Damn! They were getting close. I lit another and another and another, lighting and tossing with panicked abandon! Bang, bang! Bang, bang, bang!
Finally, one of the firecracker found its way to the ditch we had spent much of the night digging and filling with most of the rest of our gunpowder. Now, there was a small bang, followed shortly by a giant line of flame and smoke directly in front of the advancing Spartan army. We quickly followed with a barrage of rockets aimed low. When the smoke cleared, we could barely see the backs of the fleeing Spartans!
“Jacque-Mate Niños!”
“What?” Asked Melite.
“Nothing.”
“No. I want to know what you’re saying all the time.”
“It’s Spanish.”
“What’s Spanish?”
“It’s a language.”
“And you speak it?”
“A little.”
“What’s it mean in Greek?”
“Well, it means Check Mate Kids!”
“I don’t understand any of those words except kids.”
“Well, Check Mate is what you say when you win a game of chess.”
“You know what? Forget it.”
“Probably for the best.”
I slapped Pericles on the back. “Don’t know the meaning of the word retreat!? We’ve just defined it for them!”
“One day that soft heart of yours is going to get you in trouble. You should have destroyed them when you had the chance.
And there was much rejoicing! We broke open a few jars of the finest, triple-charcoal-filtered vodka and drank ourselves into a stupor!
Chapter 21
Atoms are made up of (at one level of abstraction) protons, neutrons and electrons (see sections on subatomic particles). Protons have a positive electrical charge, electrons have a negative charge and neutrons are without charge. Opposite charges attract. Generally most atoms have equal numbers of electrons and protons and so are, in sum, electrically ne
utral. The electrons are arranged in shells. The first shell holds 2 electrons and the second 8, I’m not sure about the other shells. So, for example hydrogen has 1 proton and 1 electron and 1 open space in its first (and only) electron shell. It’s looking for another electron, but because it has only one proton, it can’t hold another electron and maintain its neutral charge. So, it can only fill its shell by combining with another atom. For this reason hydrogen is very reactive. Helium, has two protons and two electrons and its shell is full. Helium is non-reactive and won’t combine with other atoms. Oxygen has 9 protons and 9 electrons. 2 electrons completely fill its first electron shell, but the remaining 7 leave an opening in the 2nd shell. Is it reactive?
Book of Questionable Facts - 1239
I slept late the next morning and woke with a terrible hangover. One of the biggest problems with life in the ancient past, was the hangovers. In modern times, I had a surefire hangover prevention system. Simply drink 2 BIG glasses of water and take two aspirins before bed and you’ll wake up feeling fine. But in ancient times, the water was so bad, that (now that I was no longer a slave) I tried to only drink boiled water or fruit juices (they say that you get used to the water, but that’s bull. There was no getting used to the stuff in this water. You just got sick a lot.). That meant that I needed to plan ahead if I wanted to avoid a hangover. I had planned on beating the Spartans, but with so much to do, I’d neglected to boil water ahead of time.
Still, hangover or no, there was work to be done. The defeat of the Spartans (and the fireworks display, which had been visible throughout the city) had cemented our hold on the city. More and more it was becoming clear to the citizens that things had changed for good.
It was also becoming clear to me that we needed to beef up our army/police force. I asked Tros to begin recruiting from the citizen population. I felt that at this point we could safely integrate, maybe, 1000 citizens into the force. I also asked him to begin the process of organizing the force into precincts, each with its own officers, so that he could step back from day to day management of the force.
A New York Lawyer in the Court of Pericles Page 15