Falling

by Linn B. Halton

  Chapter Three – Who’s Naughty and Who’s Nice?

  “Ceri?” It’s Anna and she sounds excited. “Seb told you about the wedding plans? You don’t think it’s over the top, do you? I mean the Scottish link is rather more like wishful thinking.” She stops to laugh and I can’t help smiling. “It’s only that I think the kilts and things are so romantic.” It almost sounds like she’s pleading with me to agree. Why does it matter what I think anyway? That familiar sensation of sadness unsettles my stomach and I wonder what causes it. Anna is open and honest, so why do I believe she’s going to hurt Seb in a way that he’ll never get over? I close my eyes and wish it would all go away.

  “It’s your wedding and the bride calls the shots. Seb seems happy enough to go along with it, and he’s the one who has to wear the kilt. He’s trying hard to make you happy Anna, whatever you want he’ll do everything he can to make it happen.” I realise my words sound a little like a dig and I wasn’t conscious of wanting to upset her. There are a few seconds of silence.

  “I don’t want to turn into bridezilla.”

  I’ve embarrassed her and I feel ashamed of myself. “You won’t. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it’s what makes you and Seb happy that counts. It’s your special day.”

  “Oh, thank you so much Ceri. I worry that Seb is simply agreeing with everything I put forward and I thought he might have confided in you if he was unhappy about any of the arrangements. I also have a favour to ask.” She hesitates, and I hold my breath. “Would you be my chief bridesmaid?”

  It isn’t what I was expecting at all, and while it’s really not my thing I know I have to agree and sound enthusiastic. “That would be lovely, thank you!” In my head I imagine a red bridesmaid’s dress with a huge bow on the back that makes me look like a badly dressed doll.

  “Oh, Seb is going to be so happy! Two of my best friends are also going to be bridesmaids and you are all about the same height, so it’s going to be great for the photos.” She should have stopped at ‘happy’. Photos are only photos, is it necessary to consider the size and shape of the people who will appear in them? I shake my head, glad Anna can’t see that the truth is we have very different priorities. I put down the phone, relieved that at least I haven’t upset the bride.

  Maybe I’m old before my time because of the things I’ve experienced. Who knows? Maybe I inherited the sensible gene and that’s why Seb has always been so adventurous in his life – he’s the risk-taker. He’s finally ready to settle down after realising that having someone to share your life with becomes more important to you the older you become.

  When I think back over the guys that have come and gone in my life, I can see that there never was anyone with whom I felt a serious connection. I’ve always been in love with the idea of being in love, but everyone I’ve dated has only ever seen the shell of me. None could see inside and every single one of them backed off whenever anything odd happened. I can’t blame them, the fault lies with me, but if I had one wish it would be to find a guy who could understand. I long to be with someone and not have to hide or explain anything. To find a person who can simply accept me without judgment and with whom I could relax, confident that he would support me no matter what happened on my life’s path.

  My mobile kicks into life and I see from the caller ID it’s Alex.

  “Hey girl,” he drawls and his tone suggests this is going to be gossip. “Thought you’d like to know that rumours are rife and it’s all about you. The word is out that you are next in line for Scott’s job when he leaves. First management team, here she comes!”

  I was right. He’s worse than the women who hang around in the coffee room speculating about who’s dating who.

  “Well, don’t you think someone would have mentioned something to me about it first?” I laugh.

  “Maybe today clinched it. After all, there are probably two other candidates I can think of who would be in the running.” He pauses and I can imagine him, wine glass in hand; a blush wine, of course.

  “Gee, so glad to have you on my team!”

  “What? I’m being honest. You know he’d prefer a male candidate, but I think you hit it out the ballpark today lady!”

  “Well, keep me informed. I’d hate to be late on my first day in a new job,” I chuckle. “Stop gossiping and leave me alone. I need to lie down. I’ve just agreed to be Anna’s chief bridesmaid. She’s wearing red and the guys are wearing kilts.”

  “Eeek,” his voice is almost a squeak. “Poor you! Red is so draining, you’ll have to do a fake tan or you’ll look like a ghost with your pale skin and hair.”

  “Oh yes, and arrive looking like I’ve just stepped off of the beach in the middle of winter? I think not. Maybe I can convince her red for the bridesmaids isn’t such a great idea. See you tomorrow.”

  “Night, night, don’t let the bed bugs bite,” he says soberly. There’s a hint of something in his voice, I’m not sure what exactly. Maybe he’s worried that if I am promoted he’ll have a new boss to contend with.

  Chatting with Alex has at least left me feeling a little happier and upbeat. He always cheers me up and I’m so grateful that aside from being work colleagues, we’re really good friends.

  ***

  Setting everything up for the ‘Good Day Sunshine’ campaign leaves Alex and I very little time to think about who is going to replace Scott. Mason keeps close tabs on progress and for the first time seems to be a little more approachable. July quickly passes and August is upon us before the workload eases up. I’m pleasantly surprised when I have my first fitting for ‘the dress’ to find that Anna has picked a pale silver-grey. She’s right – when we all stand in a line at the dressmakers we do look very photogenic. Her excitement is infectious and it’s clear she loves every little inch of Seb, even his annoying habit of being so unpredictable at times when you really need him to be there. He missed his own fitting, would you believe, and he was the only one of the guys who couldn’t make it. Was Anna fazed or disappointed? No. She laughed and said they would sort him out on his return, because he had a mountain to climb: literally, of course. He sloped off on a week-long climb with a group he’d met while he was in Australia back-packing. I marvelled at the way Anna took it in her stride and understood he’d given up a lot this last year for her. With each meeting I’m warming to her more and more, but whenever we hug it’s there: that cold little feeling in the pit of my stomach that won’t go away. Even when, on the day of the dress fitting, she whispered in my ear “I’m so glad to be gaining a sister. I always longed to have one!”

  Alex noticed something was up. I’ve never shared any of my thoughts or strange feelings with him. We’ve worked together for two years, and while we are the greatest of friends in a work situation, we’ve only ever skimmed the surface about things that happen outside of the office. There’s always been this invisible line between us. He knows about the wedding and that I worry about Seb, that I don’t get on well with my parents. But that’s it. In return I know that he has a sister he can’t stand and that he’s mad about formula one racing – fanatical even. But he’s never mentioned a partner and I never talk about my dates, which is why I am caught completely off guard when he starts talking about dating agencies.

  “I’m thinking about joining one of these dating websites,” he casually drops into the conversation one morning, as we pore over the magazine mock-ups for the new campaign.

  “Really?” I sit back to study his face, in search of some explanation for this sudden need to impart information.

  “Well, don’t look at me like that! Millions join every day. Why not me? Oh God, there’s something wrong with me isn’t there. Do I have bad breath?” He looks mortified.

  “No,” I wish I’d simply let the statement wash over me. “It’s a bit of a surprise, that’s all. I thought you might have someone.”

  He looks at me as if to say ‘why would you think that?’ “Well I don’t. A guy can’t go on forever existing on meals for
one,” he says flippantly and throws his pencil across the table.

  “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to imply anything at all. I only said—”

  “Nah, it’s me. I suppose I feel life is passing me by and I’m not top of the list when it comes to being boyfriend material. Doesn’t mean to say I’m not interested though.”

  There’s an awkward few minutes. I fuss around with the prints in front of us, but I can feel Alex’s eyes on me.

  “Well,” I add, rather diplomatically, “I’m always around if you need a shoulder and all that…”

  “Thanks, I’ll remember that. Coffee?”

  “Fab, thought you’d never ask!”

  “You could make it yourself, you know,” he quips.

  “But you make it so much better,” I laugh and the moment has passed.

  My curiosity has got the better of me though: will he be seeking out the gals or the guys?

  ***

  I look at my journal, glancing over the pages of the last year. It seems that the episodes are becoming more frequent. Twice this week I’ve received what I feel to be a warning sign, on both occasions it was a female but they were very different. One was an older lady, and one a girl of probably no more than twelve years of age. There and then gone: mere seconds that prompted a déjà vu moment and then an action I felt I was meant to take. Often it’s a simple thing that might not have had any real impact, but how am I to know that? On Tuesday it was an incident at work when one of the guys was over-reaching to lift down an armful of files. I was walking by and this old lady appeared, I literally walked through her before I realised what was happening. The image seemed to dissolve around me. It was enough to make me turn around though and catch what was about to happen. I immediately ran to help Isaac, who had started to topple backwards. What I saw in that split-second was contact between his head and the desk, then lots of blood. I held out my arms to steady the files which began to slip, he instinctively grabbed onto me and with that one simple adjustment, regained his balance.

  “Wow, close call! Thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  The other incident was another ‘something in nothing’ moment. This time I thought the young person was real at first, the form had colour rather than shadow. It was more about the feeling that passed through me that told me it was another premonition. I was queuing in the supermarket and in front of me there was a small child sitting in a supermarket trolley. Her mother was busy loading the contents onto the conveyor belt. The little girl was probably around two or three years of age. She was within arm’s reach of a tempting display of sweets and kept saying “chocolate treat Mama.” I glanced at the mother and she looked stressed, ignoring the little girl’s pleas. The child reached over and grabbed one of the colourful bags. When I caught sight of the young person in the next aisle I heard “No!” then the shape disappeared. It was so forceful I was sure it had been spoken out loud, but looking around it was clear no one else had heard it. Then a feeling of choking coursed through my body, as if I had swallowed something and it was stuck in my throat.

  Fearful that the little girl would scream if I tried to take them away from her, I grabbed a small packet of chocolate buttons from the display. I offered them to her. The mother didn’t even notice her drop the round boiled sweets when she took the packet from my hand. The mother looked up a split-second later.

  “Oh, you’ll get me into trouble one day missy.” She laughed. “We’ll actually walk out of a shop with something we haven’t paid for!”

  I smiled good-naturedly along with everyone else, but I could still feel the choking sensation in the back of my throat. The apparition in the next aisle was gone, but the feeling was strong enough for me to record it in my journal. When I think back now, I can vividly recall that beautiful little girl’s smile.

  As I close the journal and pop it back, sandwiched in the bookcase between Pride & Prejudice and my latest book on life after death theories, the doorbell rings. I wonder who on earth it can be at this time of day. Seb rang earlier, so I know it’s not him.

  Before I open the door, I place both my hands on it. The bell rings for the third time, whoever it is seems impatient but still I take a brief moment. A tingling sensation courses through me: this isn’t going to be bad news or trouble. Swinging open the door, it’s Sheena and my mouth falls open. I rush up to her and we hug. It seems the cosmos is sending me the help I need!

  “Why didn’t you say you were coming? But I’m so glad you’re here,” I almost find myself shouting with happiness and then I burst into tears.

  “Hey, what’s this all about? What have I missed? I’ve only been gone three weeks and you’ve been very quiet, girl. I was worried. Guess I was right! Put the kettle on and let’s have a chat.”

  As the door closes I feel a sense of relief. Sheena and Kelly were my two best friends. They were both people who knew me: the side of me I keep hidden from everyone else. Kelly was diagnosed with leukaemia four years ago and died six months later. It was a blow from which I haven’t yet recovered.

  I’m still hugging Sheena tightly and marvelling at the fact that she has arrived precisely when I need her. “What’s up?” Sheena asks. She heads straight into the kitchen. I sit myself down on a stool while she makes tea as if it’s her own home. I love that: it’s like I have a sister who comes back every now and again to rescue me from myself.

  “Nothing and everything,” I admit, miserably.

  “Is it to do with Seb and Anna?”

  “No, it’s the usual. Things I can’t explain. Déjà vu and the signs… people I don’t know who tell me nothing, but appear for some reason. Why? Why me?”

  Sheena stops and looks at me.

  “We’ve had this conversation before Ceri. It’s not helping you to keep thinking about the ‘why.’ You have to accept it – what’s the point in fighting something when you have no idea what it really is? Heck, you should know from your research, you can’t explain the unexplainable. So what’s really bothering you?”

  “Alex has joined a dating agency.” I’m surprised at my own words. Where did that come from?

  “You said you thought he was into guys, so what’s the problem? Worried it will affect his work once he’s on the emotional rollercoaster of the dating scene?”

  “I’m not sure. I felt rather, well, disappointed. He has his first date this weekend but he hasn’t given me any details.”

  “Oh.” She hands me my tea and settles onto the stool opposite. “Hidden feelings? This isn’t like you to begrudge someone a little fun. You’re his boss, not his girlfriend.”

  I raise my eyebrows and shrug my shoulders. “I know. I’m being silly. With you travelling so much these days he’s the closest thing I have to a best friend and his friendship means a lot to me. Except he doesn’t know of course… about…”

  “Ah, you feel comfortable with him. Were you hoping he’d notice something unusual about you and ask the question? I mean, I know Seb gives you a hard time and you do need someone you can confide in when I’m not around.”

  We’re both thinking of Kelly.

  “Why do you think Kelly has never come through to give me a message?” It’s a question I’ve had in the back of my mind for a long time. I suppose a little part of me is waiting, silently hoping for a sign, and now I’ve voiced it.

  “You’re the expert, what do I know? I have no idea how it all works, but I will tell you one thing, Ceri. I don’t think it’s going to go away and you have to find a way of reconciling yourself to that fact. I know I sound like a broken record, I’ve said this so many times before. How’s the journal count?”

  “One hundred and thirty-seven.” I can’t look her in the eye, I feel I’m declaring all the sins I’ve committed since the last time we were together.

  “Worst one?”

  “A young woman with a horrible cough, the message was clear. I saw this shape of an elderly man wrapping his arms around her. He looked up at me and the sadness was unforgettable. It wa
s in a coffee shop and I was in the queue, she was sitting alone at a table for two. I asked if she minded sharing; luckily there were no other places available. We began chatting. I ended up telling her a story about my aunt having pneumonia and said she should have her cough checked out, it sounded similar.” We exchange glances and Sheena can see it hasn’t been easy. My story wasn’t true, of course.

  “Poor you, how did she take it?”

  “She left shortly afterwards, but she did say ‘thanks’ when she stood up to go. She looked back at me, trying to judge whether I was a total nut or not. I gave her a smile and for a second we connected. I hope it was enough to convince her.”

  “But you will never know,” Sheena said, sadly.

  “No, I’ll never know.”

  “So, back to Alex, you don’t fancy him or anything daft like that, do you? I thought I’d ask the question in case it was an issue. ” She reaches for the biscuit jar and takes out a handful.

  “I don’t know. He’s like a BFF, I regard him as a girlfriend.” I look at her and she’s amused.

  “Maybe he’s a guy who is simply in touch with his feminine side. Perhaps he fancies you and wants to gain your trust first. He’s trying to put you at ease by not making a play for you and you’ve misread the signals,” she jokes. “Have you been on any dates lately?”

  “One. It was a big mistake. Huge, actually. A friend of Seb’s, and it was really awkward. We had absolutely nothing in common and he asked me out for a second time. Seb was a little upset when I said no. He was a nice guy, well most of them are if they’re genuine, but no way was there any spark between us.”

  “Well, I’m still dating Mr Boss,” she smirks, “and working under him gets better by the day.” She gives me a sideways glance and raises her eyebrows.

  “Sheena! Too much information – spare me the details. Anyway, I’m not sure sleeping with the boss is such a great idea.”