Notes from the Life of a Total Genius
Page 1
For Curtiss, whose email style I can only try to emulate; and for Chelsey, who instilled in me the daily need for both dark green and orange vegetables.
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
September
October
November
December
January
February
March
April
May
June
Year-End Report Card
Year-End Summary
Yo! Bean!
Acknowledgements
About the Author
Praise for A Year in the Life of a (Total and Complete) Genius and Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius
Copyright
SEPTEMBER
testing … texting …
Who is this?
its rob
Who?
rob zack moron. this is my new #
Robbie! How’s it going man? How’s Lethbridge? What’s your new school like?
ok I guess. girls r hot. im gonna go 4 football
I wish you were here. This week has been so weird without you!
New teachers this year too (none are hot). I have Ms Whitehead again for English.
Three years running. Clearly she can’t get enough of the Bean! Ha!
I’ll send you an email about it all. Too much to write in a text.
ya i can tell.
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)
Sent: September 4, 19:42
Dear Robbie,
All right, so first, they painted the cafeteria. It’s still white, but they want to put a big mural on one wall. If you were here, you could have entered the contest to design it. That would have been awesome. Other than that, everything is pretty much the same at school as last year. Except for the new teachers, like I mentioned. The new principal is Ms Kraleigh. No word on what she’s like yet. I’m taking Drama this year too, so I met the new Drama teacher. His name is Mr. Harker, but he said that he hates being called Mister. So instead we are going to call him Hark. I asked him if he was an angel (like the Christmas carol) and if he could sing, and he said that he can but once he gets going, he can’t stop singing and that he wouldn’t torture us with his extensive musical knowledge. He’s really cool. If you were here, you would like him. He’s funny and he wants us to do cool stuff and really push the envelope this year.
Other than that, things are pretty normal here. I have my first meeting with Mr. Everett about Kennedy and me being co-editors of the newspaper. I haven’t talked to Kennedy at all this week. I saw her in English, Science and French, and yesterday at lunch, and I saw her today between classes but I barely noticed her at all. She looked really tanned. I don’t know where she went for summer vacation. Probably somewhere fancy. She still hangs out with Catie too, but I don’t know why anyone would choose to hang out with Catie. Girls remain a mystery.
How was the last week of camp? I’m sorry I had to leave before we finished our film. Did it turn out all right? Camping with my dad was OK. We were right beside a lake, but it was freezing, not like at Flying Spirit camp. I can’t believe I had to leave one camp to go camp somewhere else! Hanging with my dad got a bit boring too, so I was glad that Luke came with us. It’s too bad you couldn’t come. Maybe you and Luke will visit at the same time this year and you guys can meet. Clearly, your mom didn’t plan moving away properly. My cousin lives in Edmonton. You live in the exact opposite direction. Did she not think about me at all in her relocation?
Ha! Just kidding.
Sorry. I just realized that this is really long. I hope you actually read the whole thing.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: September 4, 22:00
hey artie
ya things here r weird. living w mom again means that shes allways around and makes me lunch to take. like i want to bring a lunch! i told her i can eat at the caf, but she says its unhealthy. caleb stays in his room all day and theres alot of yelling.
so far my new school sux. its really small and no one talks to me. witch is kind of like the end of last yr in Calgary anyway. Ha! im allready planning coming home.
rz
September 5th
Dear RJ,
It seems so strange to be in grade nine. It feels like just yesterday that I was afraid of the grade nines. They were so much cooler than us! Now there are kids in the lower grades who will worship me! Ha! Hopefully all the adoration won’t go to my head.
First things first, I need to convince Robbie to move back to Calgary. I still can’t believe he would choose to live in Lethbridge with his mom. So far, grade nine sucks without him here. I didn’t have anyone to eat lunch with, so I ate by my locker and felt like a nerd. I hate feeling like a nerd. Until I can either get new friends or convince Robbie to move home, it looks like it’s just me and you, my trusty RJ. A reading journal as a friend … man, I AM a nerd.
I have big plans for tomorrow though. I’m going to find out if Kennedy is talking to me. She’s probably figured out by now that all the stuff people said about Robbie last year was made up. And then she will apologize for everything that happened last year, and we can hang out again. By hang out, I mean as friends. I don’t even want to date her anymore. I’m a cool, single guy at the top of the school chain. Let the ladies line up! Kennedy will see exactly what she missed out on!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Assignment: Goals for the Year
Welcome back, grade nines! I’m glad to see some familiar faces in my class, and to see some new ones, too. I’m certain we’re going to have a great final year together. This year’s English curriculum focuses on strengthening your writing and critical thinking skills. We’ll be exploring new literary devices and opening our minds to different writing genres in fun, creative ways.
In order to get more out of this year, take some time to reflect on what you would like to work on. Maybe you’d like to be a greater grammarian. Perhaps you want to polish up your poetry prowess, or strengthen your summarizing skills. It’s important to set some personal goals, since each of you has your own strengths and challenges. Think about what you want to accomplish in your final year of junior high English. Come up with three well-defined goals for yourself, and write them down. Let’s see if we can meet these goals together!
Due: September 10
Hey, Artie! Hey, Kennedy!
I’m excited to be working with two very fine reporters this year as the Terry Fox Jr. High Marathon editors. You’re both extremely strong writers, and you have complementary skills to bring depth to the school newspaper this year. So, before we go on, thank you for taking on this challenge. It’s not going to be easy, but we’ll work together as a team to make the Marathon the best it can be! Remember, though: there’s no “i” in team, but there is one in “deadline.”
I know you two are friends, which is good, because you can run ideas past each other between meetings. We’ll spend the next meeting brainstorming some great ideas for stories, and marking key events on the Marathon calendar so that we’re ready to send our reporters out on the scene. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns before we start. Otherwise, let’s make this year great by being concise, clear and objective! We’ll be the only paper that is black, white, read all over and totally transparent!
Cheers!
Mr. E.
Dear Mr. Everett,
These are just a few of my ideas. Obviously, there will be more.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Artie,
Hmm, maybe I needed to be clearer: You’re not, as you put it, “running the paper.” As a co-editor you, Kennedy and I will be working together to plan out the paper each week. There will be some editorial articles, but I want you to remember the numerous conversations we’ve had over the past two years about being kind and being objective. Don’t rush to conclusions about other students; remarks like your assumption that athletic students don’t read are exactly what need to be avoided. As a side note, I can’t tell if you’re joking about publishing your homework; if you were, that’s a good one, since it’s clearly never going to happen!
I really do appreciate that you have big ideas for the paper, and we can talk about all of them. I’m as stoked as you are about this year, and you’re a great writer and a radical dude. But it’s going to be important to be aware of other people even more this year. As you young kids say, check yourself before you wreck yourself!
Cheers!
Mr. E.
From: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: September 7, 11:45
i was bored last nite so i did a thing 4 ur paper.
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Robbie Zack (robbiethegreat2000@hotmail.com)
Sent: September 7, 13:08
Dear Robbie,
That’s awesome! Maybe we can use it for the masthead, although I probably have to ask Kennedy and Mr. Everett. I talked to Kennedy at our editors meeting on Friday. I know you don’t care, and neither do I, but she said that she went to BC with Catie’s family for part of the summer. We kind of talked a bit about non-newspaper stuff. It was pretty normal, almost like nothing happened last year between her and me. I don’t know if she’s still dating the same guy. I didn’t ask, because it doesn’t matter to me at all. I’m so over her. It’s almost scary how much I don’t care. I mean, I still think she’s nice, but just in a friend way. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
To Ms Whitehead,
This is a contract between Arthur Bean and himself regarding his English class. This year his goals in grade nine English are the following. If he doesn’t reach them, the punishment is most certainly death (or maybe an F).
1. I will finish writing a novel. My novel has to be at least 100,000 words long.
2. I will write every assignment I can in verse to practise my rhyming techniques.
3. I will hand in every assignment on time, and they will all have my name on them.
I think that these three goals speak to my strengths and weaknesses.
Signed by,
Arthur Bean
and notarized by
Arthur Bean
Arthur,
I’m glad to see you in my class again and I look forward to your unique take on assignments. You’re a strong writer, and I’ve enjoyed watching you discover new abilities in your own writing. However, this first assignment is meant to help guide your studies for the year. Your first goal is drastically unrealistic. I’m happy to assist you in writing a novel this year, but most of that writing will be done on your own time, and homework assignments need to take precedence. Your second goal is also unreasonable; there will be some assignments where you can choose your format, but writing everything in rhyme doesn’t help you to develop other writing skills. Your third goal is fine, if not a little underwhelming. I know we discussed punctuality last year, but I don’t believe that handing work in on time really pushes you to challenge yourself in new ways. It’s expected that your homework will be on time anyway. Please, either re-send me your goals, or see me after class and we can form some goals together that are more realistic.
Ms Whitehead
Dear Ms Whitehead,
Here are my amended goals:
1. My assignments will be longer than everyone else’s;
2. I will read at least one non-fiction book (and tell you about it);
3. I will learn the proper use of a semi-colon and use it in every assignment at least once. (See how I’m already succeeding in this last goal?) (See how my punctuality is right on time?)
And as a bonus goal,
4. I will make sure that all my assignments are based on true stories.
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: September 10, 19:03
Dear Kennedy,
I just thought I should say that I’m thinking about developing a running opinion column for the Marathon. It would be super great if you wanted to hang out after school or on the weekend and help me come up with some awesome ideas of things I could write about. I want to focus on big issues that affect everyone. I know you and I work well together, so we could have a great brainstorming session.
What do you think?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: September 10, 21:57
Hi Arthur!
Your column sounds like a great idea! I’m REALLY busy though, so I can’t meet! I’m on like a THOUSAND committees and stuff this year, plus I want to make sure I have time to see my friends and my boyfriend too!
Actually, maybe you can help me out! Do you think you’d be able to work the bake-sale booth for the fall carnival next week?! That would be AMAZING! I would be SOOO appreciative! It’s only a few hours after school on the 13th (SO UNLUCKY LOL!) and you can ask any of your friends to help out! ALL my friends are running booths! I feel bad asking, but you’re my last shot LOL!
Kennedy :)
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: September 10, 22:10
Dear Kennedy,
I could probably run the booth for you. That’s what friends are for, right? Plus, then you’ll owe me a favour! Haha!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
September 11th
Dear RJ,
I think Robbie’s lonely in Lethbridge, so I’ve been writing him. I try and tell him about the crappy stuff at school so that he doesn’t get too sad about not being here. Not that he had a great time last year. I even heard some kids talking about how he isn’t at school this year because he’s in juvie. Kids are so stupid sometimes. I vow, RJ, I’m never going to believe rumours!
I’ve been trying to make a bunch of new friends too. Kennedy is friends with practically everyone, so I think that she’ll invite me to parties and stuff. Right now, though, I’ve been eating lunch alone at my locker. At least my locker is over by the Home Ec room, and no one goes there during lunch, so I don’t look like a total loser. Well, Von saw me one day and told me I could sit with him, but that guy is so, so (I’ve written so twice to show my supreme annoyance) annoying. Why does he think he’
s so amazing at everything? And more importantly, why does he tell everyone? I told him that I’m working on my novel over lunch. At first I was going to tell him I was writing a movie, but he would have forced his way into “helping” like last year, and that went terribly. I’m getting smarter in my old age, RJ.
The rest of school is all right. I’ve got pretty good teachers this year, none of the really hard or mean ones. Actually, Mr. Everett is a hard marker, but he’s so dorky and happy all the time that it’s kind of OK. I really like Hark, the new Drama teacher. He’s seriously awesome. I can’t even say why, but it’s like he isn’t trying too hard. So many teachers try so hard to get you to like them and it’s very transparent and that makes me like them less. But Hark doesn’t do that. He’s kind of awkward in front of us, but he knows so much about theatre. He said that we’re going to start by performing poems by famous people. And I know that sounds really stupid, but we’re allowed to do any poem we want. Like, anything! If Robbie were in the class, I bet he’d do a Dr. Seuss poem or something like that just to see if Hark meant “anything.” I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe I’ll write my own poem. I can do it at lunch. There’s nothing else to do!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
People were asking about you at school today. They totally miss you.
i think ur phone auto-correctted on u. u meant that they diss me.
No, I didn’t.
You didn’t miss anything today. Lunch sucked. Pasta primavera.
better than salad that my mom sent. everyday she sends me w/ salad. i think she thinks im a bunny
Can’t really picture you as Robbie Rabbit.