December 17th
Dear RJ,
We had auditions today at Leg Breakers for our plays, and I think mine is going to be awesome. Hark had us do auditions inside the playwriting group, and then we opened it up to other people who wanted to be in our plays. Millie actually came to audition like she said she would, so I gave her the part of Serpentine. Ben’s going to be Captain Subtle, because he’s so tall he’ll be imposing and he’s so funny and deadpan. I think he’ll kill at it. Latha and her little sister Bhakti are playing the time travellers, which will be amazing, because they look so similar, except Bhakti is shorter. Von literally BEGGED me to be in my show, so I kind of had to cast him as a spy. I was hoping that Kennedy would show up, because I think she would be a really funny Rat-ical, but she didn’t come. I chose Julia instead, since I’m going to be in her play too. I’m going to be in another play as well. I’m in Julia’s as the dad (hers is about a girl who goes to juvenile detention), and in Vincent’s as one of the mutant slayers. I have more lines in Vincent’s play, but it’s shorter. I don’t really do much in Julia’s, but I do get to yell “Damn it, Beyoncé!” (that’s the name of the girl who goes to juvie. I guess Julia’s big into her music), and I have to pretend to be drunk and start crying.
I haven’t read all our scripts, but I think they sound pretty awesome. Although, I have to admit, RJ, mine is probably the best. Some of them don’t really go anywhere (like Julia’s). (Don’t tell her I said that.)
We’re not starting rehearsals until after the break, but I’m going to get off-book, which Hark says is theatre-speak for memorizing all our lines, before we even start. I asked my cast to do the same, so that we can work on making the fight scenes look super realistic.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
home sweet home
Are you free tonight? Tomorrow?
ya both
Ok. Do you want to come here or do you want me to come there?
i should probly stay w my dad since i just got here. why dont u come here?
Sounds good! On my way!
December 21st
Dear RJ,
We had the weirdest night last night! I went to Robbie’s apartment, or I guess I should say, Robbie’s dad’s apartment. Robbie and I hung out and he showed me a bunch of the comics he’s been working on. They look awesome. He said that Hayley has been taking his characters and putting them into the oil paintings that she likes to do. He had a few photos of it and he looked super proud of them. I didn’t get it at all. It was like the cartoon guys that Robbie draws stuck inside these super realistic fruit bowls and prairie flower landscape things. Some of them were kind of funny though. One had a werewolf trapped under a banana. Robbie also gave me one of me and him where we both look like James Bond in tuxedoes and with guns. It’s so awesome. I’m going to frame it.
That’s not the weird part. We hung out like normal, but when my dad came to get me, Robbie’s dad told me to invite him in for a beer. It was very strange. I don’t think they had ever really even met. My dad looked super uncomfortable, and I could tell that he just wanted to leave. Plus, my dad works in a bank, and Robbie’s dad is in construction or something, so I don’t know what they talked about. Especially since my dad barely talks to people he knows, and not at all to people he doesn’t know. Robbie and I went to play on Robbie’s computer, and the next thing I know, it was past midnight, and we were still there. I went out to see when we were going home, but my dad said he’d had one too many, and that we were going to stay over, so I slept in Caleb’s bed, and my dad ended up sleeping on the couch.
This morning it was totally awkward though, because we didn’t have toothbrushes or anything, and my dad was back to being his usual silent self, so we left really early, and didn’t have breakfast or anything.
Now my dad is having a nap, and I don’t think he’ll be going to yoga tonight. I’m going to go to a movie with Robbie. I miss having people to go to the movies with. Christmas is great for movie watching.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Merry Christmas!
get anything good?
Some camping stuff. Luke’s family gave me this cool screenwriting program. We can write more movies!
ya, cuz that went so well b4
Did you get anything good?
$$$. im gonna save it 4 a car.
when r u back from ur grandmas?
Friday I think. I asked my dad if we could come back early so I could see you. Plus, Balzac is super boring, and Luke leaves tomorrow.
i go home on monday
I thought Calgary was home?
u know what i mean
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: December 25, 15:04
Dear Kennedy,
I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas! I know it’s your favourite time of year, and that you love the snow, so you must be loving this year’s Christmas season! I was just thinking about our trip to Heritage Park last winter, and how much fun it was! I think that was my favourite part of Christmas last year.
Are you going skiing this year? What are you up to for New Year’s Eve?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: December 26, 13:43
Hi Arthur!
Thanks for your Christmas email! It’s been a CRAZY break!
I was thinking that our first newspaper after the break, we should do an article on resolutions! We can interview students and teachers about their new year’s plans! Catie was telling me that her plan was to become a “social tutor”! She claims that she wants to help nerds become more popular! LOL! Can you see Catie helping ANYONE?!?! LOL!! No offence to her, but that is SO not her thing!
Kennedy :)
From: Von Ipo ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: December 26, 15:32
Hey, Arthur!
Merry Christmas buddy! Hope you got some great stuff. My parents got me this sweet new mountain bike. I’m really into mountain biking right now. I was basically shredding the mountain every day this past summer and I rode my bike until it was basically falling apart. So now I have the best bike out there. Can’t wait until spring! Do you ride? I bet you’d love it. You can have my old bike if you want. It’s basically a beginner bike, but it’s still really expensive and pretty great.
Don’t know if you’re in town, but Rob and I are going to a movie tomorrow. Thought you should come. Like old times last year, all three of us in the AV Club!
Let me know!
Von
Are you seriously going to hang out with Von?
ya
Why?
he asked me 2
Well, good luck with that. He’s still as annoying as ever. Maybe more.
never really botherred me
u kno, if u werent so snobby u could have more friends
Dude, I have plenty of friends.
ya, ok. and since were lying now, here comes my new girlfriend selena gomez! gotta go!
December 27th
Dear RJ,
Well, I’m glad that’s done. What is it about Christmas that makes it so crappy? I know that part of it is that my mom isn’t here, and she was so into Christmas, and I miss her a lot, but it’s not just that. I even try and get into the Christmas spirit, and I pretend to be happy about it, but I’m really not.
Maybe I’m too old for Christmas. I want to be super excited, but there’s never anything really fun to do after we’ve opened presents. All I got was some camping gear from my dad, a sweater and a book from my grandparents and a computer program. The camping gear is cool, but I can’t use it for another six months. I’ve already read the book, so I have to return it. Everyone just sat around Grandma’s living room all afternoon watchi
ng a movie. I wanted to go do something else, but because it was Christmas, it feels like we’re supposed to spend all day together. Grandpa suggested cross-country skiing, but I’m pretty sure I would hate that, and we didn’t have equipment anyway.
It’s like Christmas is this big thing that you look forward to for a month, and then it comes and it’s just another day, but weirder. There are no toys to play with or be excited about. There’s no magic anymore. It’s a reminder of the big, gaping hole that my mom left behind, and even watching Home Alone can’t fix it.
I wonder if other kids feel the same way. I also wonder if Kennedy wrote me back yet. I’m going to go check.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
December 28th
Dear RJ,
So I get back to Calgary, and Robbie invited Von to join us to hang out tonight! Why would he do that? He knows how much I can’t stand that guy! I’m tempted to not even go over there, but Robbie leaves first thing Monday morning, so if I don’t go, I’ll be sitting at home alone on a Saturday night while my best friend hangs out with my nemesis.
Why does Von have to be everywhere? He’s so keen to hang out with me, and I don’t know why. I wish he would find other friends. He says he’s so popular, so why can’t he hang out with those people? And why do only people I don’t like want to be my friend?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: December 28, 23:00
Dear Kennedy,
Cheesecake Café has a peppermint bark cheesecake! I saw it when I was there with friends tonight, and I thought of you. I know you love peppermint bark, and I remember you said that the Cheesecake Café was your favourite place. It’s like your dream come true!
I’m sure it’ll be around for a little bit longer, so let me know if you want to go sometime with me and a bunch of my friends!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
December 30th
Dear RJ,
The only invitation I got for New Year’s Eve was from Von, and I’m definitely not going to his hockey team’s party. I would rather be by myself. Although it’s going to suck. I’m glad that I’m not the only one though. Robbie is spending New Year’s with his mom at home.
Is it wrong that I feel better about myself because Robbie is doing loser things too? I just don’t want him to have a better time than me. I think we’re better friends if we share the same experiences, even if that means that we both have stupid New Year’s plans.
I guess if my social life is at an all-time low, then I want other people’s to be also. Do you think this is a sign of what my whole life is going to be like?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
JANUARY
Happy New Year!
What terrible movie are you watching tonight? We’re watching all the Shrek movies. LAME.
got a last min invite to a movie marathon at dominics! everyone brought a movie. right now were watching the maze runner (doms choice)
and hayleys here! i wanted to kiss her at midnite but i chickened out
Oh. That’s great! That sounds fun.
Yeah. mom was really cool about me coming. maybe its her ny resolution to be cooler. ha!
too bad about shrek tho. i hate that donkey. not the best start to the year man.
Well, it can only go up from here!
thats the spirit!
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: January 1, 16:23
Hi Arthur!
I got your email about the cheesecake, but I was SO BUSY! Then I forgot to respond, and when I remembered, it was like December 30th already, and I figured that I would just talk to you at Rocky’s NYE party, since he invited almost everyone from our grade. But you weren’t there yesterday! It was super fun! I hope you aren’t sick or something. Getting sick over the holidays is the WORST! :(
Anyway, I hope you tried the cheesecake for me! I can’t believe you remembered a stupid little comment I made about peppermint bark from weeks ago LOL! But I’m glad you did! Catie and I are DEFINITELY going to have to try it soon! Thanks for the heads up!!
Kennedy :)
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
Sent: January 1, 18:06
Dear Kennedy,
I actually am really sick with the flu. Otherwise, I would have totally been at the party. I meant to go, but then I couldn’t! It’s too bad I missed it. I’ll definitely be at the next big party!
I’ve been thinking about your story about New Year’s resolutions, and I have some good ideas. Can I write it? I think I could make it pretty funny!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: January 3, 20:20
Hi Arthur!
Write away! That’s what co-editors are for, right? Sharing ideas and stuff! I’ve already got some stuff lined up about fundraising for grad (we’re doing cookie-grams!!) and about final exams!
Kennedy :)
Assignment: Pickles the Demon Cat
By Arthur Bean
Dear Ms Whitehead,
I’m afraid I can’t hand in my homework on time. I know you gave us the whole winter break, but I didn’t get it done.
I started to do my homework on the first day of the break, because I am a conscientious student and I like to get everything done early so that I have time to edit and rewrite parts that may need to be fixed. I do this with every assignment, and you never see how much work I put into my writing.
So I started writing, but Pickles, my cat, started meowing. This probably doesn’t sound so crazy, but Pickles never makes any noise, so I knew something was wrong. I was certain that this was probably the end for poor Pickles. She’s an old cat, and she’s clearly annoyed being alive. I don’t like her much, but no one should die alone. So I found her, and she was meowing at something outside the window. I looked out, but I couldn’t see anything. I opened the window a crack, in case there was gas in the house and she was telling us that we were going to die. Immediately, Pickles jumped through the window and was gone, into the snowstorm that was blowing around outside. I swore (but no one heard me, so it was OK) because I knew that I needed to find Pickles and bring her back inside before she actually died. I grabbed my boots and coat, and ran down the stairs and out the door.
We live on the third floor, which isn’t that far for a cat to jump, but I looked under the windowsill first, just in case. No Pickles. I took another step and I heard her meow again. I looked around, and took a step onto the snowy lawn. The snow crackled underneath me, and I fell into a deep hole. I swore again. I was trapped in a deep hole under the snow, and I had no idea what I was going to do! I looked up and saw Pickles smiling at me from above. I know: cats can’t smile. But Pickles is part-demon, and she can. And she did. She smiled, and then, the strangest thing happened. She spoke. “Good luck, boy. You’ll die in there,” she said. I tried to reply, but all that came out of my mouth was a throaty “meow.” Pickles cackled and ran off. I was trapped. I looked around and there was no way out. I was stuck. I pulled my coat closer around me. At least it was warm underground.
It was soon dark out, but the snow persisted. Luckily, I had just recently learned about the pukak layer in Mr. Everett’s Science class. Since you probably have forgotten what this is, I’ll tell you. The pukak layer is a layer of warm air that forms between the ground (or, in this case, me) and the snow falling. It’s the reason many animals can stay outside during the winter and not die. I knew that as long as I didn’t move, a pukak would form over me and I would be all right. So I huddled in, and sang myself to sleep while the snow fell.
The next thing
I knew, it was January 2nd, and a Chinook came through and melted all the snow. I shook myself awake and yawned. I was able to get a foothold in the frozen earth and pull myself out of the hole. When I got to the top, Pickles looked at me with hate in her eyes. “Next time,” she said, but the “ime” got stuck in her throat and came out as a purr. I laughed in her face, and said, “Aren’t you a good kitty?”
So I barely had time to even write this up, but I hope you accept this as my assignment.
Arthur,
You’ve crafted an imaginative excuse here. I like your use of knowledge from other classes in your excuse; Mr. Everett would be proud!
I hope that Pickles isn’t quite as evil as you say, although maybe that’s why I’ve always been more of a dog person.
Ms Whitehead
JOGO: Ban New Year’s Resolutions Instead!
By Arthur Bean
January is upon us, which means that people all around the world are pretending that their lives are about to get better, just by saying/writing all the things that they want to change about themselves. Lose ten pounds, read more books, make nerds cooler: these little resolutions hang over people’s heads, making the long and cold month of January just that much more disappointing.
Not as disappointing, though, as returning to school to see that a Friday cafeteria favourite, Avril’s Poutine, is off the menu for good.
Notes from the Life of a Total Genius Page 7