Mirrored 1 : In Spades

by K. Pinson

  I got Abby and I some pretzels to snack on and popped on a movie to watch. Abby chose Madagascar, it was one of her favorites. She giggled hysterically every time King Julien made an appearance on the screen. He was one of my favorite characters, too. We snuggled up on the couch and I played with her hair. I heard her lightly snoring even thought it was only a little after 7. The weekend had really worn my poor girl out. I started to close my eyes. I was also very tired this weekend. Between Dax wearing me out and all of the exciting and new news, I was exhausted. Holding Abby in my arms was comforting to me, familiar. I will dread the day when she gets too big to be snuggled. When she grows up and starts her own life, with her own family. I want her to stay little forever. I fell asleep for no more than fifteen minutes before the doorbell began to ring. I picked Abby up so that I could scoot off of the couch and laid her gently back down, covering her up with the throw blanket lying at the end. She didn’t even stir when I moved her. She was passed out cold.

  The doorbell rang again loudly and I had to stop myself from yelling out that I was coming. I did not want Abby to wake up from either my voice or the loud doorbell and impatient person behind it. I finally reached the door and unlocked it. I had no clue who could be coming to visit at this hour. Dax had his own key now even though he still kept residence at his own apartment. He may have forgotten or something. Who knows. I opened the door and looked into the eyes of a person I had never thought I would see again.

  Chapter 13: Daxton

  “Ok. So what the hell did you call me out here to talk about? I’ve got a fiancé and daughter to get back to.” I was pissed off that I was here talking to this asshole, instead of home, spending time with my girls.

  “Whoa, little brother. Take it down a notch. I just…I miss you man. We used to be close. What happened?” He looked sincere but I wasn’t buying it.

  I did use to look up to Gabe. He and I were raised by Gram, tending to the work she needed done around the house and trying to keep her from not going crazy. Our dad, Nathaniel, passed almost two years ago. Our mother, not to be named, had left when we were just kids. I barely remember her. I didn’t care to try and reminisce about it, either. She gave up on us, all of us. My dad suffered from bipolar disorder. He had mood swings to rival the best of them. He was a good man, though. He was a great dad. I missed him like crazy every day and went through a rough patch in my life when he was taken out of this world. Between him and Gram raising us, we turned out alright. My mom couldn’t deal with my dad taking medications and having depressed days so she up and took off one day with not so much as a fuckin’ goodbye. I hated her. I always would. To me, someone that leaves their children high and dry, is worthless.

  Gabe and I were close as kids and even closer as teenagers. We grew apart when dad died and I started fuckin’ up. I got into drinking heavily and doing enough drugs to tranquilize an elephant. I partied hard and loved even harder. I was a cocky, arrogant asshole and absolutely no fun to be around. I always thought I was right and would challenge anyone that tried to tell me otherwise. My dad was taken too soon. I needed him. That’s a whole different story though. Back to Gabe and I. That son of a bitch.

  “Gee, I wonder…maybe because you FUCKED my girlfriend. “ I growled.

  I had been together with Krissi since we were kids, we were inseparable. She lived next door, well what could be considered next door which was actually down the road, all of our lives. We moved in with Gram after my mother took off, my father had no clue how to raise two boys on his own. He went through bad days where he couldn’t even be bothered to get out of bed. Gram knew that we wouldn’t be able to survive with that type of lifestyle without a female influence. My dad was so heartbroken over my mother leaving him that he wanted nothing to do with finding another companion. Sometimes in life you only have it in you to love once, to give your heart away and to never really get it back. I thought Krissi was my once in a lifetime. I’m happy to report that she wasn’t. Avalynn did it for me. I now knew the definition of true love. Sure, I loved Krissi. Definitely not the same way that I did, Ava, though. She was the other half of my heart, my missing piece.

  Before my dad died I had every intention on marrying Krissi and starting a family with her. She was perfect in my eyes. Beautiful, charismatic and spunky. She challenged me constantly and we were like two peas in a pod.

  When my dad passed away and I spiraled out of control, it took a toll on our relationship. Krissi begged me to get help, but I couldn’t see that I needed it. The only thing I felt during those times was darkness and not even her love could pull me from the hell I was in. Gabe and Krissi also knew each other well and had become good friends. She went to him to try and get help for me. I, of course, turned him down. I didn’t want help. I wanted a way out of feeling anything at all. I wanted to be numb.

  I wasn’t giving Krissi what she needed so she ventured elsewhere to get it. Her and my brother claim they fell into lust with each other because I wasn’t around. Gabe was mourning, too. Just in a different way. He had nobody else around our age to be consoled by and I didn’t want her to console me. She went to him and the rest was history. They both told me shortly after and I wanted to kill them both. I couldn’t believe that they would go behind my back and hook up. I blamed myself mostly though because if I had been there for her, it never would have happened.

  I straightened up after that. I had lost my dad, the love of my life and my brother all in one swoop. It was time to make a change. I set out to get my degree in music therapy. I wanted to help people that had mental disabilities. I wanted to open them up to a world that I loved, the only thing that helped soothe my tortured soul, Music. I succeeded in my goal and started working my life away. I had always been a member of In Spades, usually only playing at local bars on weekends. We were good but most of us had day jobs and never wanted to make it big. We did it for the love of music and the thrill of being on stage. I loved those guys, though. They had become my brothers, my family.

  “Snap out of it man! “ Gabe placed his hands firmly on my shoulders and shook me out of my flashback.

  “Get your fuckin’ hands off. That is not what you want to be doing right now, man.” I stated, bluntly. I didn’t shout or yell. I was quiet but menacing. That was when you had to worry the most.

  Gabe through his hands up in the air in defeat and backed up a couple of inches away from me.

  “O.k. Calm down. You know I’m sorry about all that shit with Krissi, man. I don’t know what in the hell I was doing. My mind was cloudy. She was there and giving me comfort and I needed it. We both needed it. I wanted to stop feeling so alone.” I sat quiet, contemplating his words.

  I had nothing else to say to him. What’s in the past was in the past and I was happy now. Why I couldn’t let it all go still boggled my mind. I hadn’t saw Krissi since then. She moved away and only visited her parents on holidays, so I’ve been told. She never tried to explain or get a hold of me. I left and she let me go.

  To my knowledge, she also let Gabe go. She didn’t really care about him. She just wanted his friendship and the comfort that I wasn’t able to give to her at that time. I didn’t chase her though. I needed to fix myself, love myself, before I could ever love anyone else.

  “To be honest, I’m happy now. That shit is in the past. I need to let it go. I’d rather just not talk about it.” I signaled an ending to this conversation.

  “Well. I don’t really want to talk about, either. I want to forget it even happened. I need to tell you something though.” He looked down at his shoes.

  “What is it, just spit it out.” I stood up, ready to leave.

  “Krissi…she’s back in town man…and she’s looking for you.” He backed a couple more inches, fear in his eyes.

  “Well that’s just fuckin’ peachy keen.” I shouted. I was definitely done with this conversation. I was going home to my fiancé’ and forgetting I ever found out this piece of information.

  I said goodbye to Gram and he
aded out the door without a backwards glance. Gabe promptly followed me out and I wonder what in the hell he was doing until I remembered that I didn’t have a car here and he was supposed to drop me off at Ava’s. I made my way to his car when a sleek, red sports car pulled into the driveway. I cocked my head to the side, trying to place it. Nothing came to mind. The person shut off the engine and opened the door, stepping out. I still didn’t recognize her but I could tell she was female, yes definitely female. As she got closer, finally almost to where Gabe and I stood, I realized who it was. Fuck Me, I was in trouble.

  “Uhh..I’ll leave ya’ll alone to talk for a bit.” Gabe stated and began to walk back towards the house.

  “Oh no you don’t mother fucker. You owe me, you’re staying!” I hissed back.

  “I’m a girlfriend fucker, not a mother fucker. Remember?” He threw me a grin, hoping to lighten the mood. That didn’t help. He walked away and into the house without giving Krissi so much as a hello.

  Krissi was a whirlwind tornado, ready and willing to come back through and stir up my entire world. She was my first kiss, my first love, my first everything. The day we broke up, I was destroyed. She took my heart with her. I wasn’t sure for a long time if I’d ever get it back. But I did and this woman wasn’t taking it again. I had fallen back into love, harder than I ever imagined. Then there she was, coincidentally running into me. Running over me would be a better phrase for the way that she was. Krissi Adams was pure confidence in sky high, red stilettos and a tight form fitting dress. She was damn close to perfect with her cascading dark hair and milky chocolate brown eyes. As much as I tried to divert my eyes, put up a front like she didn’t faze me. I just couldn’t. I felt like I was betraying Ava for the staring contest that I was partaking in but her beauty was blinding. She wouldn’t trick me this time, though. I know now what lay beneath the surface of her tan, smooth skin. Believe me, it wasn’t pretty. I refused to let this woman invade my thoughts for another second. I would not hurt Avalynn that way.

  “Can I help you with something Krissi?” I questioned sarcastically. I was ready to end this conversation and get the hell out of dodge.

  “Actually, I’m glad I ran into you. I was just coming past to say hi to Gram. I haven’t visited with her in a while and I heard her health was declining.” She sounded sincere.

  “Go on in and say hello though. Her health is fine. She gets around just as well as she ever has. I need to get going.” I opened the car down and began climbing in when I heard her heels moving in the gravel behind me.

  “Please talk to me Dax. I really miss you. I made a mistake. I love you. I want you in my life.” She was pleading with me, chocolate brown eyes piercing down to my soul. Many good memories flooded my mind, but the bad outweighed the good for me.

  “I can’t do this, Krissi. I’m engaged. I am in love. Good luck with everything.” I tried to be as nice as possible back. I didn’t necessarily hate her any longer. I just wanted nothing to do with her. I knew that even a friendship would be poison shared between Ava and I and I wasn’t willing to take that risk when everything was going so good in my life.

  Krissi had a steady stream of tears flooding down her face. I felt a little bit bad and had to force myself to get in the car and close the door. I looked straight forward towards the house and prayed that she would walk away, move on, like I had to do. I heard the squealing of her tires moments later. I sighed in relief, happy that she had given up so easily. I couldn’t risk this tearing apart what I had. I was doing so well with my life and I was finally happy, content even. Everything was going perfect and even I wasn’t stupid enough to fuck it all up over past memories. I forced any semblance of a feeling that I held for Krissi out of my mind. I didn’t want to leave any space for her. Every thought of mine was now occupied by Ava, how it should be.

  Gabe finally came back out to the car and silently headed towards Ava’s place. I didn’t speak to him or tell him how the conversation went and he respected my need for silence. All I wanted to do was be at home with my family.

  Chapter 14:Ava

  I woke up and found myself lying on my cold, hard floor. I had a cold wash cloth draped over my forehead and no memory of what had happened. I slowly blinked my eyes to adjust to the light. I sat up, my head feeling dizzy.

  “Just sit up slowly Ava-bug, you had a pretty nasty fall there.” My mother’s voice rang out and I was sure I was dreaming. There was no way this was real.

  I turned my head to where the voice was coming from and saw my mother cowering in the corner of my entry way, bright blue eyes staring back at me. She looked like an angel, dressed in all white. Was I dead? Did something happen? I began to panic, taking deep breaths in and out.

  “You’re fine baby girl. Just calm down. I know this is a lot for you take in. I want to explain everything. Are you ok to talk?” She sounded as sweet as cotton candy. Her voice was pure pleasure to my ears. I honestly never thought that I would hear her voice again. Especially sounding so alive and well. My brain was working overtime and I couldn’t get my tongue to agree with my mind. I nodded my head and raised myself up on my feet. I was no longer dizzy. Instead, I was in shock.

  “I can only imagine what you’re going through. I’ve wanted to see you so many times. You were doing so well for yourself and my precious Abby that I didn’t want to disturb you or freak you out. I had to get away from there, Avalynn. I hope that once I tell you the truth, you’ll understand. I want us to have a relationship. I want to get to know you and hear all of the stories about your life. I want you and your sister to love me. I want to watch Abby grow up. I want to be her Mother, a good one, the one I never got to be with you.” A single tear slid down her cheek, but she quickly wiped it away with her finger.

  I was still unsure if I was awake or not. She looked so much different from the last time I remember seeing her. It was like her soul had resurfaced into her body and she had returned as the mother that I remember previous to my dad going off the deep end. She seemed peaceful and happy. I finally got the courage to speak, my voice still slightly wavering.

  “Please tell me if I’m dreaming…Am I dead?” It wasn’t what I had always dreamed about saying if I crossed paths with my Mother again but it was all I had for the moment.

  “No bug, you’re very much alive and surprise, so am I. I know it’s scary. I am scared, too. I had to run, I had to hide. I was all out of options and I didn’t want you and your sister to suffer for the choices that I had to make.” She stood with her fingers laced into each other in front of her body. She seemed distant and fearful.

  “I am in shock. I really have no idea what to say. What happened? Where did you go? Why are you here? How are you here? Is this real?” The questions jumbled out of my mouth, everything that I had bottled up.

  “I don’t know how to tell you this, Avalynn. I am going to just skip all of the niceties and jump right in with both feet in front of me. I killed your father. I didn’t have a choice.” She quietly began sobbing to herself and slid down the wall to sit on the floor.

  I gasped loudly at her revelation. My mother, a murderer? I really never would have put those two words together. I couldn’t say I was upset at her. In fact, I was a little bit relieved. I was scared at the thought that she has come back to take Abby away from me. The mother that raised me could not raise her. I knew that for a fact. Abby needed special attention, she needed patience and kindness. She needed love constantly. The Mother that I remember was a walking zombie. She couldn’t even advocate for herself, let alone a child. She was supposed to protect us, but she was scared. I understand her fear. I felt it, too. That wasn’t a good enough reason for me, though. We deserved more. We deserved the truth. I wanted answers. I didn’t know how much more I could take, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care that my lungs felt like they were collapsing in on me or that the walls were closing in. I craved her voice, her words and to know why she abandoned us in our time of need.

  “I’m sorry…I don’t k
now what else to say…I live with the guilt every day of my life. He was going to kill us, Ava. He was going to kill us all. I loved him. I still do. The man before the monster. Not a day went by that I didn’t think about that night, the blood, the crying. I wish I could go back in time and be strong, but I can’t. I only have now. I want you to know that I love you. Please forgive me.” She was still sobbing and the only thing I could think to do was to walk over and put my arms around her. I crawled down onto the floor and cradled her head into my arms like she used to do to me as a child. I comforted her until the tears ran out. I still had a lot of unanswered questions and was unsure of how this relationship would progress, but I wanted to give it a try. I wanted to get to know the person she is and I wanted to know about the person she was. I was scared to death to involve her in Abby’s life, afraid she would run away again.

  When the pain was cried out and her breathing returned to normal, I released the hold on her and got back up from the floor to stand by the doorway. I had no idea where to go from here, what to say or what to do. She stood up, also. Wiping the mascara from under her eyes on the sleeve of her white shirt, black filling the entire thing.

  “Can I meet my daughter?” She asked, hesitantly.

  I froze. That was not her daughter, that was my daughter. I was suddenly confused and light headed all over again. My feelings were all over the place and at that moment I needed to just take a break to breathe.

  “Mom, you need to go. I just can’t do this right now. I don’t know when I’ll be able to talk more. I just can’t right now.” I whispered, my voice breaking.

  “Ava, you don’t understand. I’ve been waiting for years. Watching the both of you. I need to see her. I want to hold her.” She was becoming more persistent, strength getting thicker behind her words.

  “Not tonight. I can’t do this tonight.” I held my ground. I wasn’t ready to make a decision right now. I was going to hold Abby tonight. I was going to tuck her into bed and wake her up in the morning.