Only Once: A Single Parent- Hollywood Romance

by Ashley Munoz

  “Pfft…if he shows up,” Cole interjected with a shake of his head.

  Suddenly this shitty second-fiddle feeling I was experiencing was nothing compared to what these kids must have been going through. I’d never had an absent father, never felt the sting of rejection in that way, and I’d never had to shuffle around from home to home, living out of my backpack.

  “Well, we should try to do something before then. Maybe we can hike, or fish…” I started, moving around the island as an idea formed in my head. I should have swatted it away, but… “Or…we could…” I eyed the kids; they were both waiting for me to finish.

  “We could what?” Cole asked.

  Bexley cleared her throat; she knew I was going to overstep some boundary she had in place.

  “Well…” I canted my head from side to side, wincing like it wasn’t a great idea.

  It wasn’t.

  “What?” Bella’s hands reached out, like she wanted me to continue.

  “Well, we could try to go camping if your mom isn’t against it.” I folded my arms on the counter, leaning forward to grab a strawberry. I didn’t need to see Bexley’s face to know she was pissed.

  “Yes, please, Mom!” Cole started, turning on his stool.

  “Yeah, pwease, Mommy!” Bella exclaimed, joining in on the begging.

  Bexley smiled at her kids, toying with their hair, refusing to meet my stare.

  “We’ll see, okay?”

  “That always means no. Come on, we haven’t gone camping since Dad still lived with us. My friends always get to go during the summer, but Dad never takes us, and you never will by yourself,” Cole whined, his voice hitting a thousand different notes of emotion.

  “Hey bud, don’t worry, we can do camping stuff without going camping. It’s not fair to put your mom in that kind of position.” I waved my hand, feeling guilty for the helpless look on Bexley’s face.

  “It’s not the same…” Cole whispered, kicking at the carpet. Suddenly, he stood, darting toward the hall as fast as his casted leg would allow.

  Bella continued chewing as Bexley’s eyes misted over.

  “Look, Bex, I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…”

  “It’s fine.” She put her hand up as a tear hit her cheek. “We should get going.”

  Right.

  18

  The next day, I was sitting in my office listening to the sound of the kids splashing in the small pool out back. I was attempting to work on a design project, but I was having a hard time focusing. The screen kept fading, going in and out of focus as I pictured my son’s face when he’d heard Ryan’s offer to go camping.

  Memories of the last time we’d gone together as a family danced along the edges of my mind: smiles lit up by flickering light, gooey smores, burnt hot dogs with too much ketchup. My eyes misted as I ached for what we’d once had, what I’d given up. I hated that I hadn’t been able to hold on for my kids. They deserved to have a happy family, a mother and father who loved each other.

  Had I given up on Logan too soon? Had I given up on something that could have been good? I could have hung in there for the kids, at least until they were out of school. I did love Logan—he just wasn’t the great love of my life. I was selfish, and because of that, my children were suffering; I owed them.

  So, regardless of how terrified I was to consider letting Ryan back into my life in such a momentous way, if he wanted to give these kids a fun summer to remember, who was I to stop it? Why shouldn’t they have someone want to spoil them rotten and spend time with them? Something their own father wasn’t generous with.

  Grabbing my cell, I opened the texting app and finalized my thoughts.

  Me: Hey, is the camping offer still open?

  I set the phone aside, too nervous to see if he’d ignore me. I shouldn’t have cared; I hated that I did. The fact that my belly simmered with old fear and fresh awe was proof that I wasn’t ready to go anywhere with him overnight. Again.

  A soft chime echoed from the side of the table as laughter continued to filter in through the windows. I grabbed my cell, wishing the smile cresting my face wasn’t there, wishing this didn’t make me happy and unleash winged creatures of delight inside my chest.

  Ryan: You know it is

  Me: Count us in…when did you want to leave?

  Seconds passed where his texting dots appeared and then stopped, making my gut twist.

  Ryan: You serious?

  I could almost picture that smile breaking up the dark clouds always hanging around him. The Ryan I’d known before was always happy, offering that smile to everyone he knew; now he seemed to keep it to himself unless a camera was being shoved in his face or…or my kids were around.

  Me: Yeah. I have the weekend off, guess my boss felt bad that they had me vacuum the courts when newbies usually get a slow introduction to it.

  Ryan: Good, I’m glad. That was some bullshit anyway. Do you have any gear?

  I smiled, knowing this was so stupid, but I couldn’t help myself.

  Me: Come check it out and we can make a list.

  Ryan: Okay, I’ll be there in twenty.

  It took exactly twenty minutes to get to my house from his place if there wasn’t traffic, which meant he was dropping everything to come over here, and more importantly, he didn’t have plans that involved dates or beautiful women.

  Now I just had to find a way to explain this development to my best friend.

  “You sure you’re okay with this?” Ryan asked as he carefully maneuvered the long drive in front of us.

  I tilted my eyes up, trying to reassure him, but truthfully, I was a mess.

  “It’s fine. I just haven’t seen them in so long, and I’m sure they aren’t my biggest fans.” His parents hated me; I was sure of it. I had left their son after telling him I was pregnant. Sure, if our baby had made it, I would have let him know and allowed him to be involved, but I had been wrong about how I’d handled it.

  “They were always fans of yours.” Ryan smiled easily, relaxing in the seat as we crested the driveway. The house was massive, all windows and whitewashed stone with black iron work along the outside. Green grass stretched out along either side of the house, and there was a small lake just a few hundred feet from the side porch.

  “Whoa…this is where you grew up?” Cole asked from the back.

  Ryan laughed, and on instinct, I answered for him, unsure why his truth was already on the tip of my tongue.

  “No, Ryan grew up in a much smaller house, more humble roots. This…this must be what he bought for his parents.” I couldn’t tear my eyes from the beautiful house.

  “Your mom’s right—I grew up in a much smaller house with almost no property. Still, it was great. Nothing to be ashamed of…we grew up happy.” Ryan looked over at me and gave me an easy smile that made my toes curl. He had smiled at me like that back when we were in college, and it’d always made me feel like I was his entire universe, which was exactly what had made me fight so hard to ensure that future for myself.

  Ryan came to a stop, putting the SUV in park. We all leaned forward and stared at the house looming before us.

  “You sure you need this camping gear?” I whispered, not ready to see Gloria Prince again.

  “It’ll be fine, Bex.” Ryan reached over and pulled my hand into his. “My dad has the best gear to use, and he knows how to get to our family spot. It’s a hidden gem. Trust me, you won’t be sorry.”

  The warmth of his hand on mine took me back to the night we shared a bed, to when his heavy stare branded my skin before we woke that morning. I’d known he was up, and I’d known what was going through his head, because as much as this Ryan had changed, there were still parts of him that hadn’t.

  “Come on.” The driver side door silently opened, and as Cole ambled out of his, Bella started unbuckling then Ryan was at her door, picking her up. The sight of her little arms wrapped around his neck felt like someone’s fist was repeatedly pounding against my chest. They fit together
so seamlessly, and she already loved him so earnestly. I wondered if he felt that way too…

  I slowly joined the trio as they headed toward the front door. It was painted a brilliant red color, which oddly made me smile. It opened a second later, and Gloria came bounding out the door, wearing a long summer dress. Nerves jutted through my veins, like little pistons punching up and down my body, over and over again.

  “My goodness, this is a surprise. Who do we have here?” I heard Gloria ask in that gentle tenor she’d had all those years ago when she’d had me at her table for Thanksgiving.

  “Mom, this is Bella, and this is Cole.” Ryan smiled, setting Bella down and canting his head toward my son. I could feel my smile falter as Gloria’s eyes tipped up to meet mine.

  She gasped. “Bexley? Sweetie, is that you?”

  Tears threatened to fall as unspoken apologies clogged my throat. A thousand times I’d wanted to look her up, see if she still lived here…apologize for what I did to her son. A thousand times I’d wanted to tell her how grateful I was for her kindness when she’d first met me, how much I wanted her to be my mother-in-law one day, how I had honestly thought that was where our future would take us.

  “Gloria…” I started as her arms wrapped around me. I couldn’t hold off the tears any longer; they fell in cadence with her whispered confessions. “It was always supposed to be you. Please give him another chance, give this another chance…I can already tell he loves them.”

  It was whispered so softly she likely thought I couldn’t hear, but I heard every word, and every syllable broke me open in a way I hadn’t thought possible again.

  Once she pulled away, I noticed she wiped at her own tears.

  “Right, well let’s go inside and see if we can find you two some goodies.” Gloria took Bell and Cole’s hands, leading them inside.

  “What’s that look for?” Ryan asked, tugging on my wrist. I smiled at him, feeling it go watery the second he tugged me forward. Like a dam bursting, it all came out in a rush.

  “They just haven’t been around anything like this before…” I sobbed into his chest as he pulled me closer.

  “Like what?” he whispered somewhere close to my ear.

  “Grandparents…someone to get them goodies or take them by the hand and be happy to see them. I’m not saying your parents are that to them…” I tried to pull away, embarrassed that I’d made the comparison, but he wouldn’t let me.

  “It’s okay, Bex…I get it,” he said soothingly, rubbing down my back.

  I took a few calming breaths, pulling myself together, belatedly realizing how good it felt to be held in his arms, how whole it made me feel. Ryan had always had this ability to make me feel like I was safe, like no matter what was headed our way, we’d be okay because he was there with me. The one and only time I hadn’t felt that way with him was the night I told him I was pregnant.

  “Sorry.” I sniffed, quickly wiping at my face and nose.

  “Stop apologizing to me, Bex. It’s fine.”

  We moved ahead, Ryan keeping his gaze on our feet but still gently guiding me by the elbow.

  “Bexley, what a great surprise!” Gary Prince boomed from the foyer as we stepped inside. Before I could even see how he looked, long arms were wrapping around me and sweeping me off the ground.

  “Dad, really? Let her down.”

  Gary laughed, and the sound vibrating through his chest unleashed something in me, forcing a lilt of laughter to slip past my lips. When he finally set me down, I stepped back to take in the man who’d set my smile free.

  Gary looked just like Ryan, though a few inches taller, with light gray hair that was still cropped short and more smile lines around his mouth and eyes than Ryan had. He shared the same aqua blue eyes and the same smile, almost identical.

  “It’s so good to see you, Gary.” I stepped into his embrace again. While dating Ryan in college, I’d gotten to know his family while we watched games together in the stands. After the first time they met me, they were constantly inviting me to join them on family trips, to sit with them—basically for anything Ryan was included in, they’d extend an offer to me. I’d grown attached to Gary as much as I had Gloria, our love for conspiracy theories keeping us wrapped up in conversation long after the game ended or the dinner was finished.

  Ryan used to joke that he was born to keep his mother company and worried he’d let his dad down, until he met me. He said I was the missing puzzle piece in their family.

  “It’s good to see you too, Bexter.” He put his arm around my shoulder and led me toward the kitchen, leaving Ryan behind. “So, what are you up to these days?”

  I blushed as we maneuvered past the spacious living room and expensively designed dining area. “Not a whole lot…the kids keep me busy, that and work.” I nervously tucked a piece of hair behind my ear.

  “Something with design?” Gary’s eyes stayed trained on the dark wood under our feet.

  “Yes, I finally finished my degree two years ago.”

  “Wh—”

  “Gary, let the poor girl go! I’ve hardly seen her,” Gloria interrupted, giving her husband side-eye while pouring the kids a glass of milk each. “I didn’t ask if they have allergies, but I’m just assuming they don’t…” Gloria raised an eyebrow at me.

  I smiled, feeling odd. “They don’t.”

  “I remember you said you never had any, and I also remember you joking about how you could never date a man who couldn’t eat real ice cream, or eat real bread…so, I just assumed you’d stuck with that.” She shrugged and turned toward the fridge to return the milk.

  She remembered that conversation from a decade ago? Her comment about the kids’ father strangely didn’t bother me; she was being frank, and I appreciated her honesty. Although allergies could show up in a thousand different ways regardless of parental genetics, I didn’t feel like bringing up useless facts.

  “So, you kids are going camping, huh?” Gary gripped the back of Cole’s chair while his gaze rose to Ryan.

  “Thought I’d take them to see our spot, maybe fish a bit…” Those large shoulders of Ryan’s shrugged as if it were no big deal, but the muscle in his jaw that kept jumping told a different story. He was nervous.

  Gary seemed to track this as he briefly glanced at me then looked back at the kids. “Well, I‘ll get the coordinates written down for you, and we can go grab the gear, get you loaded up.”

  They disappeared out the side door, toward the massive garage, while the kids ate their cookies and I stared at Gloria. This was my moment, the one I had wanted for ten years.

  “Gloria, could we chat for just a second?” I toyed with a rogue string on my shorts.

  Her cornflower blue eyes lifted, and a warm smile graced her lips as she set a thin tablet in front of the kids; some funny show was already playing from the sounds of it.

  “What about, sweetie?” she asked, settling into the chair next to me.

  Inhaling a deep breath, I started, “I’ve wanted to look you up for ten years—well, specifically, eight years. That’s how long I’ve lived here. Anyway, I have wanted to apologize for a very long time, and I’m so sorry…” The words were coming out in a rush, running away from me.

  “Shhh, it’s okay, honey.” Gloria gripped my hand in my lap, encouraging me to continue.

  “It’s just, I know you likely hate me after what I did to Ryan, but you never got to hear my side of it. That’s my fault, but I never meant to hurt him.”

  “Oh, sweet girl, you think I didn’t know there was more to the story?” She leaned closer, rubbing my back. “Ryan finally confessed his role in all of it a few months after you left…I knew as soon as he said he blamed you, there was no getting you back. Not after what happened with your daddy and your momma…”

  Blinking away tears, I gaped at her. “You remember that?”

  Giving me a quick nod, she continued, “I only ever wanted you to be happy…same as Ryan. I don’t always approve of my son’s life choices, b
ut you? You were the best…there won’t ever be a more perfectly suited person for him. I don’t know if you know it or if he does, but you’re it, Bexley Black.”

  I leaned forward and pulled her into a tight hug, gripping her shoulders and allowing her to soak up years of hurt that didn’t belong to her. I just needed someone to shoulder it with, one singular person to understand my great love for Ryan and my utter heartbreak that we were lost to one another.

  “Mom, can I borrow Bexley?” Ryan asked from the back door. His grim expression told me he had been standing there for too long.

  “Thank you, Gloria.” I squeezed her hand before getting up to leave.

  Once reaching Ryan, I tried to clear my expression. Why did he look so angry that I’d been talking to his mother? He had seemed so encouraging when we’d arrived.

  “Dad’s helping me load everything, but I wanted to be sure we had everything covered for Cole, since he’s still in his cast.” Ryan’s clenched jaw nearly sent me into a tantrum. Why was he suddenly acting like he didn’t want me here with him?

  “Did I miss something?” I crossed my arms defensively.

  “Apparently I did.” He blinked, bringing his hand to the door, leading us outside away from listening ears.

  Following him to the porch, I rounded on him just as he stepped closer.

  “What the hell did my mom mean when she mentioned your parents?” He stepped closer, his hot breath fanning my face as anger twisted his features. “You told me your mom lived in Texas, worked hard, but kept to herself. You said your dad was mostly absent but lived around there too.”

  “I—”

  “Never—you’ve never mentioned anything other than those details to me regarding the people who raised you, yet my mother seems to have the entire Bexley Black story.”

  I tipped my head back, our chests aligned, his heaving up and down as he waited for my explanation.

  “I never meant to keep it from you…I just…” I tried to take a step back, to put some distance between us, but his hand shot out and latched onto my hip, keeping me in place.