I Am The Local Atheist

by Warwick Stubbs

  “So are we really going to do this?” she asked. Of all of them, I thought Lisa was the one that had the most experience fighting – the other two didn’t look much like they had ever had to fend off one of their parent’s fists, although Claire certainly had the most mean-spirited attitude.

  “We’ll just rip the lawn up a bit,” she said turning the steering wheel and moving the front of the car onto the lawn. The girls were getting highly excited and began screaming with joy as the car was thrown into gear and the tyres spun round furiously. I looked behind us as grass and dirt spat out into the air. She kept the car going round in circles until the angle crept a little too close to the house before straightening the steering wheel and shooting off back onto the road with the car overshooting, crossing over onto the lawn on the other side of the road, running over the neighbour’s garden, smashing through a fake white-picket fence and then being steered recklessly back onto the road with all three girls screaming with so much excitement that I thought my ears were going to start bleeding. All in all, I was savagely reminded of my own driving abilities.

  Lisa grabbed my arm. “Oh my god, that was so exciting.” She smiled with glee as I tried my best to fake my own excitement.

  Wendy hung over the front seat looking past us towards the damage we had done to the other garden. “Oh crap, we might have to ditch the car.”

  Claire didn’t seem to care. “Nah, fuck ‘em. There’s cars like this all over town. It could’ve been anyone. No one woulda been that quick to get a number plate reading anyway.”

  “Sweet as!” Wendy sat back in her seat as they gave each other a hi-five which caused the car to jerk to the left. They grinned mischievously.

  We were eating fish and chips with our fingers out at the old museum. Ducks swam in the shallow pond in front of the car park.

  Lisa was still reeling from the excitement. “Man that was so much fun.”

  Claire licked tomato sauce off her fingers… blatantly. She hung an arm over the back of the front seat while leaning her chest over the chips that sat between her and Wendy. I was pretty sure that she was doing it on purpose. Just for me…

  “Yeah, it’s always fun to give people what they deserve” she said.

  Wendy looked out the window forlornly. “Jason could be such a cool person if he put more faith in Christ and just treated people the way that he’d like to be treated.”

  “Maybe he wants to be treated like crap” Claire said.

  “Nah, I just think he’s real full of himself. Got a big ego that needs to be brought down to size.”

  “Yeah, well, hopefully his ego will have shrunk some when he sees what we’ve done to his lawn!”

  The girls laughed.

  “That was so much fun” Wendy said.

  Lisa agreed. “I haven’t had so much fun since we all set that guy up to get in trouble with the Pastor. Remember that?”

  Wendy laughed. “Yeah, that guy thought he was so in the good books with the Pastor that he thought he could get away with anything. But man, when we set him up to be trying to hook into the Pastor’s daughter, the Pastor went nuts!”

  Lisa looked at me. “We set that guy up so good, even convincing the daughter that she had to lead him on, but then she had to pull away at the last minute when her father walked in the room so it looked like the guy was forcing his way onto her.”

  I could barely believe what I was hearing. There were good honest practical jokes, but this was something completely different. This was harmful intent.

  “Yeah, that was pretty cool” Claire said, hovering over the chips. “But back in Oamaru, me and some friends used to set people up who we knew were linked to the local mob. They would get their heads smashed in regardless of what they said. I mean, fuck, it was so easy.” She smiled like a guilty angel. “But I mean, don’t get the wrong idea or nothing, we only did it to people who deserved it. Like that guy I told you bout Wendy, remember? He had been stalking that chick for ages and she was seriously scared but the cops did nothing the slack bastards, because their was no proof of any intentional stalking, as though the guy had made it look like he just happened to be walking the streets at the same time. So this friend of mine slept with him on purpose, got him to confess about his thieving from the mob, and then she informed the mob of what he had said. They went around almost straight away and bashed his head in and broke one of his legs for good measure.”

  Nice story. Wendy was listening somewhat questionably, while Lisa was looking somewhat embarrassed.

  “What?” Claire said.

  “I didn’t know Oamaru had a mob” I said.

  “Well they do” she said rather snidely. “But anyway, that’s just one story I have from home. I mean, there were heaps of times we did stuff that our church leaders never knew about and blamed it on other people, or just made it look like other people so that they got into trouble. I mean, we were all good Christians so no one could really touch us. But you have to admit, that is pretty funny, y’ know, getting someone else’s head beaten in.” That guilty angel look came back, but with more glee this time.

  “Funny indeed” Wendy said. “Hey do you guys want any more chips?” She had demolished most of them while Claire was telling her story.

  None of us wanted any more so Wendy screwed the paper up into a tight ball and placed it down on the floor in front of her. Claire looked at her sternly.

  “What?”

  “Put it in the rubbish.”

  Wendy smiled cheekily. “I did.”

  “Don’t be a dick and put it in the rubbish.”

  “But it’s too far away.”

  “I don’t want it left in my car.”

  “But then I’d have to get out and walk over to the rubbish bin.”

  “It’s like five meters away.”

  “I know! It seems so far away.”

  “You’re seriously getting lazy Wendy.”

  “You’re seriously turning into a bitch Claire.”

  “Fat pig.”

  “Slut.”

  There was a moment’s silence as they stared at each other before breaking into laughter, hands slapping each other playfully.

  “Okay,” Claire said with a flick of the wrist. “Just chuck it out the window then.”

  Wendy gave it a good biff and it sailed through the air landing on the back of a duck that had been waddling about aimlessly. It stuck its bill into the ball of paper as other ducks waddled over and started attacking it and trying to get inside.

  “Ooh, fatty fat,” Claire said as she wiped her fingers over her jeans. “Not good for the vocal chords.”

  “I got told by someone that they were” Lisa said.

  “Not my vocal chords.”

  “I hardly think it matters judging by last weekend’s performance.”

  “It wasn’t that good,” Claire said. But I could see her trying to suppress a smile.

  “You were awesome!”

  Wendy agreed. “Man, you made that song sound like something I had never even heard before, even though I had heard that song heaps of times before.”

  Claire couldn’t hold back her smile. “Oh shut up the both of you.”

  “Honestly Claire. That performance really touched my heart in a way that I had never felt before. You were so awesome. It was incredible.”

  Claire threw her hands up in mock candour. “No, no! The praise is too much.” But she was completely lapping it up anyway.

  “Oh you sang it so beautifully.”

  “Oh it was so inspirational” Lisa chimed in.

  “You know my friend, Jerry?” Wendy asked. “The guy who kept saying that he had lost faith and stuff.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, he said that while listening to that song, he had a vision of Jesus and it totally brought him back to the church. He felt like it had totally saved his soul.”

  Lisa looked at me. “Wow, oh my God.” Her eyes said “see… see, it happened for someone else, no reason why…”

&nbs
p; “It’s like you have the power to bring people back to God!”

  “That’s a gift you can’t afford to ignore!”

  “I reckon. Oh if only that girl from your other church could have heard it, Lisa. That was so sad. It was in the paper and everything…”

  “Completely abandoned the church…” Claire stated.

  “And the drugs… did you know her Lisa?”

  “No, I didn’t.” She seemed a little embarrassed. “I had only met her once or twice and forgotten who she was after I left. That was just over a whole year ago.” She smiled, but it seemed forced. And then she looked at me expectantly.

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Well anyway, I had joined a whole new family by then.” The smile smothered the air around me and I nearly suffocated as it became reciprocated by her friends.

  The smiles didn’t last long before Claire said “That chick is so going to hell! Just like all those fuckin’ atheists out there who don’t accept Jesus. And everyone knows that by committing suicide you forfeit your soul.”

  “Totally,” Wendy chimed in.

  “I have no respect for people who do that to themselves. What was her name? Selene, Serena, Salon, Saloona, or something stupid like that?”

  “Something Gilligan,” said Wendy.

  “Spoona Gilligan?” They both laughed. “Well it doesn’t matter…”

  Claire was charging head-first into a discussion that I knew Lisa wouldn’t be comfortable with, and for which I had no tolerance for displays of ignorance.

  “…that bitch is going to hell!”

  I spoke up. “That’s a little bit judgemental don’t you think?”

  “I don’t care! That stupid tart is going to hell because that’s what it says in the Bible happens to people who take their own lives.”

  I raised my voice louder than I had intended. “Hey! How dare you dishonour her name while she was here on earth! What God intends for her is God’s business not ours, and we can’t go making judgements just because of what we believe is the truth here on earth. God is so much bigger than that. God is the ultimate truth and the last word and you will realise this when you come face to face with Him yourself!”

  “You saying The Bible is wrong?”

  I shouted. “Jesus came to save us all! Every single one of us!”

  She shrunk back into her seat. Lisa looked out the window. Wendy was sitting in the passenger seat trying not to laugh. Claire hit her on the shoulder and grimaced. It was too easy to notice even though she had tried hiding it. Wendy took her hand away from her mouth and suggested the two of them go for a play on the swings, so they left the car with me and Lisa sitting in the back by ourselves.

  I heard her voice as she looked out the window. “Sorry.”

  I was annoyed at her. “What for?” I knew what for.

  “I didn’t expect them to bring up that subject.”

  “I don’t know what to say Lisa.”

  She was silent. Claire and Wendy had reached the swings and were talking enthusiastically while looking over as Lisa and I sat uncomfortably in the car together.

  “It doesn’t even say that in the Bible, Lisa.”

  “It doesn’t?”

  “No. It’s a stupid idea about the soul not having time to repent that some churches have used to scare and control their members. It’s completely false. And disgusting.”

  “How come no one ever denounces it then?”

  “People would rather ignore than confront.”

  She was silent again.

  “I’m sorry Lisa.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t like talking about it, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately.”

  “Okay.”

  “I never knew the girl who killed herself.”

  I had to think for a moment. It was over a year since Lisa and I had been at the same church. “You might have met her. But it’s hard to say, there were people there that even I didn’t know.”

  “It’s just that, it’s been a year since she… and, well, it’s been two full years since I … y’ know.”

  I had to say something. “You don’t have to say anything.” I fuckin’ wanted her to though. I wanted her to say ‘thanks, it was all because of you that I’m still here today’ or ‘I don’t know what would’ve happened if we hadn’t been friends’. Anything. I just wanted my friendship acknowledged. To be paid that same respect that she was now paying her new friends. That’s all.

  But she said nothing.

  An uncomfortable silence ensued for about a minute. She looked past me to where Claire and Wendy were playing on the swings. “Y’ wanna go join them?”

  “Sure” I said. I didn’t, but we needed something to break the tension. I walked over slowly while Lisa went ahead, running to them, probably telling them that I had calmed down or something – making an excuse for her dumb and boring friend.

  The rest of the day panned out with us taking a trip to the beach so Wendy could get some sand for her cat’s sand-boxes. I’m pretty sure that it was illegal to take sand from the beach, but they had already broken a bunch of other laws already, so I figured there wasn’t much point in bringing this one to their attention.

  Part IV

  – Charcoal & sauce –

  Lucas asked me if I wanted to do some more volunteer work with him. Mostly, he said, just so he had someone else to talk to who wasn’t religious like all the rest of The Salvation Army people he worked with. I kept my mouth shut.

  They were having a sausage sizzle day combined with a donation day dedicated to the opening of the new Family Store – ‘Drop off your old toys, books or games and help yourself to hotdogs.’ Mostly it was to help get the store up and running, and also to bring it to people’s attention – not quite an opening, as most of the plumbing hadn’t been finished, but a good enough excuse to let Invercargill know about it.

  “Looks like half the student population has turned up as well,” Alice sarcastically remarked before heading to her position near one of the drop-off boxes.

  They had hired a giant purple blow-up castle for the kids to play on, set the brass band up outside blowing old marching tunes and set up the barbecue to the side. Luckily for everyone, there was no sign of rain, like someone up there was blessing the activity down below with enough sunshine to get a tan by.

  I sat on a ground-wall about knee high as Lucas stood behind the sausage-sizzle table handing out the hotdogs after they had been sufficiently burnt by the man behind the cooker. I was always amazed at how Lucas smiled so keenly to everyone, thanking them for their donations and generally being kind-hearted in a way that I never understood would be of any benefit to him.

  Christie, on the other hand, seemed quite relieved to be able to leave the drop-off box at regular intervals and pick up a hotdog for herself, or Alice, even stopping once to talk to me as we watched everyone come and go, and the kids playing on the bouncy castle.

  “Oh to be a kid again.”

  I looked over at the purple castle twisting this way and that as kids flew from one side to the next. “I wonder what they’d think if we ran over there and took over.”

  Christie laughed through a mouthful of sausage. “Yoarrr. That’d be funny.”

  What really would have been funny was if two heads smacked together and caused a huge crying scene. There’s nothing like kids with tears falling from their eyes and uncontrollable yelling to remind you of why you wear condoms.

  “So what are your interests in life David?”

  “Umm, mostly trying to do as little amount of work as possible.”

  “Ahh, I see. Student, huh?”

  “No, just a genuine dole bludger.”

  “More money for the least amount of work, huh?”

  “Ain’t that the truth. Adult students are treated like shit compared to people who are supposed to be looking for work.”

  “Know that from experience, huh?”

  I looked at her slyly. “I know some students. I mean at least the
se people are extending their education to increase the likelihood of employment.”

  “So how come you’re not extending your education?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. Guess I just didn’t find anything worth pursuing.”

  She took another bite of her hot dog. “There’s heaps of courses that can lead into all sorts of unexpected things. I was almost solely focussed on social care but ended up doing a business degree. You ever had an interest in helping people before?”

  No. Tell her ‘no’. “I used to do stuff with youth… occasionally. Went on a couple of camps and stuff, just to help out.”

  “Oh, wow! That’s awesome. Y’ know, Alice does this programme – well, technically, I do and she’s just there to help out, but we’re kinda sharing responsibilities until I feel I know what I’m doing. But anyway, it’s an activities thing for kids called ‘Charge Up’ on Friday nights, right before the later one for teenagers. You should come along and see what it’s all about.”

  “Umm, nah, I’ll be right. I’ve got other things…”

  “Lucas will probably be there. He usually is, so don’t feel shy or anything. You’re more than welcome.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You never heard of ‘Charge Up’ before?”

  “No.”

  “How long you lived in Invercargill?”

  “Since I was born. Unfortunately.”

  “Unfortunately?”

  “Lots of better places to be.”

  “Oh, come on – it can’t be that bad!”

  “You obviously haven’t lived here your whole life.”

  “Nah, I’m actually new to the Invercargill corp. I’m originally from Tauranga. Been down here for about six or seven weeks now.”

  “What made you leave Tauranga? Surely it couldn’t be any worse than here?”

  “Well, this is actually my first posting as a Salvation Army officer, so it wasn’t actually my choice. You know, the big-wigs do all the deciding.”