I Am The Local Atheist

by Warwick Stubbs

  “Please!”

  “I think that any idea is a poison to an individual if it subjugates them. Any such idea is a poison because it allows others to find loopholes in that idea and take advantage of those loopholes, thus allowing domination over the individual spirit. I don’t have a problem with Christianity per se, but I do have a problem with any individual who claims to be the speaker for a higher power – these are the individuals who ultimately will abuse and take advantage.”

  “Aren’t they just Egoists doing what Egoists do?”

  “Yes, absolutely, but if all individuals were Egoists, then there would be no one individual who could take advantage of another individual without first their consent, and with consent comes complete and utter loss of empowerment. The only individualism that is praised in our society is that of the individual benefiting a group mentality – not doing it solely for the self but for a larger entity; if this benefits the individual then so be it, but if it doesn’t then it reduces the individual to a player being used for the benefit, not of himself, but for others. The Arts also praise originality and individualism, but only then if it doesn’t offend – Callasandra’s painting was an apt demonstration of that if ever there was one; but in the long run, only History decides on the value of that individualism. Maybe in other areas of life – Science, the Businesses, etcetera – Individualism is becoming more valued, but to be an individual is to make all decisions your own and not circumnavigatable through someone else…”

  Lucas was ranting again. Probably the hardest fact that any atheist would ever have to face is that if everyone was a Christian – in the truest and non-hypocritical sense of the word – then peace surely would reign on earth. Individualism is all good and true until it ceases to take in consideration of others – that is the one holy law that I had noticed the secular world cling to while they denied all others: ‘Do unto others, what you would have them do unto you.’ And if Egoism, the way that Lucas described it, was adhered to, then that is the one law that would forever be violated.

  “…so everything I do is a manifestation of myself, not something I do for someone else. I would never do anything for God, the way that other people through history have claimed the right to make war by, nor anything for government, for family, or for any idea that does not enhance my own uniqueness; everything I do, I do for myself, because that is the only thing worth doing anything for.”

  “But I have seen you helping children, involving yourself in groups that do more for others than it does for you.”

  “If helping children enhances my uniqueness, then I will do it! I do not care what happens to them, because what happens in their lives is of no concern to me; the only thing I care about is having a positive influence on my own soul – and I use the term ‘soul’ loosely, so don’t get the wrong idea. If filling children with positivity has a positive influence on my soul then I will fill them with as much positivity as possible. I do it because my ego drives me to do it, not because of some ulterior motive that I keep hidden from you, or some ideal that proclaims itself as the ultimate truth. The only ultimate truth that you can be absolutely sure of is that when all is taken away, all is swept aside, that there is nothing.”

  “What if I said that I know that God exists? Then when all is swept aside, God remains as God always has.”

  “Without God there is nothing – that is truth.”

  “Yes.”

  “So either God doesn’t exist and you are misplaced in your belief, or God does exist and you are correct. But either way, when you put that knowledge aside, there is nothing.”

  The thought of nothing scared me.

  “The thought of nothing scares some people David. But it’s not really something you need to consider, other than realising that nothing is where everything springs itself from. Even your god sprung life from nothing – I’ve heard preachers actually say that.”

  That was debatable. “Some people say God sprung life from his own being.”

  “Well, I can’t argue that point because I don’t believe in God full-stop. I don’t really believe that life sprung itself from nothing anyway. I’m more inclined to think that the universe has always existed and is a self-generating system.”

  “That doesn’t really make any sense, because everything has a starting point, everything has to come from somewhere. Where did the universe originate from?”

  “Where did God originate from?”

  “God has always been there.”

  “My self-generating universe has always been there.”

  This was a pointless argument.

  “It’s essentially a pointless argument David, ending with us both proclaiming our own personal beliefs as justification; not logic, nor reason, nor any believable proof for the opposing side to go on.”

  I threw the poker down on the hearth in front of me. It banged against the tiles bouncing into the grating with a loud clang. “Then what’s the point?”

  “The point David?”

  “Yeah the fuckin’ point!”

  “There is no ‘point’ as you call it. There is only the life that you choose to lead, the belief systems you choose to prescribe to; that, essentially, is the only point there is. You come from this background – I assume – that has led you to believe that you need some reason for being alive, that everything in life is there for a reason, but that idea only exists because of an overarching belief. Take that belief away and there is nothing to live for other than what you choose for yourself. I mean, you have this belief that God will guide you, that it is his light that will help you through life. Well David, I don’t need that so-called ‘light’ in my life, it means nothing to me. I am what I make of myself, not what others make of me, not what some idea makes of me, even if that idea is real and true. How more real is Christianity than, say, Communism or Democracy? These are all ideas that expound themselves as the truth, or the way to a better life. Yet the only life that is better for me is the one that I choose for myself. No idea or belief can do that for me.”

  I believed what he said. I believed so strongly – Christianity was the life I chose for myself, not because of anything other than what it would do for me. Knowing that now, was such a relief because I no longer had to see God in terms of ‘Christianity: the religion’ but simply as the great love of my life that would always be there; but with Christianity I was now able to live a lifestyle that would enhance me, and if I could combine that lifestyle with others, then that would continue the development of myself in the eyes of myself and only myself, regardless of what anyone else might think.

  I am a Christian – not for God, but purely for myself. “I guess my mistake has been to think of my life as something that God chose, rather than taking responsibility for my own actions. God may have a future intended for me, may know all the outcomes, but I can’t deny that living the way that I have for the last two years or so stem purely from my own choices. Even if God has designed a path for me, it is still my choice to tread that path.”

  “It has always been your choice – from the day that you became aware of your actions having a consequence.”

  “Yeah but it was a mistake to pass the blame onto God for what has happened in my life, or at least, for how I reacted to the things that happened.”

  Lucas shrugged. “I don’t believe in mistakes.”

  “What?”

  “I don’t believe in mistakes – they are for people who regret the life they have lived. Regrets decide a person’s fate as a victim. Feel free to live as a victim if you choose David, but you can never change the past. It is what it is and you can only learn from it.” He casually flicked his cigarette so the ash fell out the window. “Those who are mired in their religious beliefs want you to believe in those mistakes as though they are your redeeming factor when you bow down to the will of God and plead for his forgiveness. But why should you bow down? It’s not like you meant to cause anybody any harm – surely God in all his infinite wisdom already realises this?”
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  “Okay… I can accept what you’re saying from the perspective of God understanding and knowing all, but if I made a mistake that was so bad that I couldn’t view it any other way, then surely that is worth me being sorry for.”

  “Why? We all make mistakes every day of our lives, but if you bow down to those mistakes then they become the master of you and you no longer have the free will to live your own life.”

  “But if the mistake hurts another person, why not be sorry for it?”

  “Why not be sorry for every little discrepancy that you make every day? It’s called being a slave. Mistakes are just one more way for religions to throw their guilt trips on you.”

  “Forget about religion for a moment. What if the mistake was so bad that you couldn’t forgive yourself for it.”

  “What are you going to do? Kill yourself over it? Think about it David, believing in mistakes are what stop people from living. I refuse to bow down to mistakes – they have no control over me. Sure, I learn from them, but they don’t decide my fate for me.” He took a long suck on the rest of his cigarette, burning it down to the filter, and stamped it out on the windowsill, opening the window and flicking his second dead butt into the bushes below. “Fuck mistakes, man.”

  I could see he had a rather intense bitter streak burning inside him. Maybe all his mistakes had actually got the better of him. My mistake was too much though. Could even this Egoist, who sat there gazing out into the world beyond his window, reconcile that belief with what I was about to share?

  “Do you remember that girl who killed herself last year?”

  “Ha! Yeah.” He stood up and grinned as though the story had been a joke to him. “Imagine being the poor cunt whose car she hit! I wonder if he sued her family for damages.”

  “It was my fault.”

  “What, that the guy happened to be there at that time?”

  “I was the reason she jumped.” It was painful. It hurt so bad, like a rusty bucket of water pushing and scraping up my throat ready to pour all those tears straight out my mouth. “It was all my fault. I was the reason she killed herself. She couldn’t stand the conflict between how I lived my life and how her parents wanted her to live hers. She just wanted to be free…” I had expected him to say something but he just stood there, patiently hearing me out, his expression getting blanker yet, strangely, more knowing as I continued on; almost like he was looking right through me. “But just being around me made her question everything and I completely failed to see just how much of an anchor her parent’s beliefs were to her, how she could no longer reconcile those with the reality of the world around her. She wasn’t stupid, she was so intelligent.” I stopped momentarily to clasp my head in my hands. “Those beliefs were what kept her sane though, kept her from giving up on the world the way the rest of us do – the way that I did. But for her they were her umbilical chord, they connected her to a world that she just couldn’t make any sense of without, and I took all of that away from her leaving her helpless, unable to cope, unable to accept the world that God had made for her.”

  There was silence but for occasional grunts of emotion trying to escape from my body. I raised my head and looked at him.

  His eyes looked down and away from me.

  He gulped, and then turned his gaze back at me. He looked like he was about to take back everything he just said – and I knew he would.

  “Well then, that’s a mistake that you made.”

  “Yeah, but it wasn’t on purpose.”

  “It sounds like you weren’t able to step out of the situation when you knew you should have.”

  “It’s not that easy when you feel so connected and a part of someone’s life.”

  “That’s true, but the fact that you couldn’t see the negative impact you were having sure spells it out for me.”

  “You actually think that I made a mistake?”

  “Hey, you’ve defined it as a mistake yourself.” He shrugged his shoulders. “So… yeah, I guess so.”

  “But doesn’t that contradict everything you just said?”

  He parted his lips, clenched his teeth, rocked on the balls of his feet, and taking a deep breath said: “Maybe it does”.

  “What happened to ‘there are no mistakes’?”

  “Look, I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t make mistakes, I just live my life. But it sounds to me like you fucked up.”

  I felt horrified and sick. “How can you say that?”

  “Look mate, I don’t preach to people about how they should live their lives, and I certainly don’t tell them what they should and shouldn’t believe in.”

  “Well what the fuck have all these conversations been about then?”

  “I never once told you that you should stop believing in God, I never once told you that what you believed was fake unless that was something that I believed myself as a personal opinion. You sit there and still believe in God – I respect that and have no desire to take that away from you. My only goal in our discussions – at any time – was to help you understand more clearly why people believe the things they do, and why they represent their own will and not someone else’s. Your mistake is your own, not mine, not anyone else’s so don’t ever bitch to me about it again okay?”

  “You fucking asshole. You fucking asshole!”

  But he was leaving the room and reaching for his coat at the front door. “I just need to head out for a bit. Can you close the door when you leave dude?”

  His feet slapped against the wet pavements outside and then he was gone, leaving me alone in a house that didn’t belong to me, surrounded by possessions that were as foreign as any kind of understanding that might have come from what had just happened. I felt hollow, like my insides had been scooped out and dumped in an unmarked grave.

  Part II

  Alice took a deep breath before she started her sermon, opened her piece of paper out in front of her and placed it firmly on the pulpit.

  “‘Vice takes up her abode in many temples, and who can say that a fair outside shall not enshrine her?’

  “Don’t worry. I’m not going to try to convince you of my ‘fair outside’ this entire sermon.” She battered her eyelids.

  Gentle laughter rippled across the audience.

  “Far from it in fact.

  “This quote is from a book about poverty, criminals, righteousness and above all, the triumph of goodness over all else. When I read this it struck me as a very true statement. True because vices never pick their targets by outward appearance. They never say ‘oh this person is too pretty to inflict with an addiction, this person is too handsome to inflict, this person is too overweight, underweight, or the perfect shape and has the right look.’ No, how we look on the outside means nothing to the hard line of a vice. The only thing that matters is how we act. How we react when we are faced with the temptation to take a vice by the hand and let it lead us astray. Any one of us may succumb. Any one of us.

  “In case you’re wondering, the book is Oliver Twist, that famous novel by Charles Dickens with the classic line ‘Please Sir, I want some more.’”

  Alice smiled innocently.

  “Please Sir, I want some more.”

  The smile was gone.

  “Now, Oliver lost a bet; and he was starving, hungry and desperate when he walked up to the master of the workhouse kitchen and uttered those famous words. He had no true knowledge of his surroundings as a young boy, only the innocence of knowing what hunger was and how hunger needed satisfying.

  “How many of us feel like that in the morning? A hunger that needs satisfying?

  “I had a hunger once that needed satisfying as well. And it wasn’t just mornings it rose its attractive head to me, so attractive that I couldn’t resist wanting more. But I wasn’t blessed with the innocence of youth like young Oliver – I was an adult; and yet I still managed to purposely ignore the fact that I was an adult who could make her own decisions. Sometimes it’s easy to pretend you are still a child
when you are in the process of leaving childhood behind. Sometimes it’s easy to pretend you can’t make decisions so that you can ignore the decision, and use that as an excuse later on. But here’s the thing: I can’t forget the afflictions of my past, I cannot pretend they haven’t tried destroying my will to live at every turn; they have been a battle wrought with the temptations of darkness. I can’t pretend it wasn’t me who picked up the needle and ignored common sense all those years ago.”

  Alice paused for a moment before continuing on.

  “Well, I can pretend, but I will always know that it was me. No one else. Me. Alice. Alice who slapped the veins of her inner arm to prepare them for a rush she thought she needed, Alice who lay down and forgot about the world that was calling to her, Alice who ignored the Lord’s Prayer, Alice who ignored the promise that God would not harm her; Alice who forgot to seek with all her heart. That wasn’t her, that was me. And I can never forget that.

  “Never!”

  Alice put a hand to her eyes.

  “I want to – ‘oh God, please let me forget’ I would cry into my pillow at night in my officer training days – but God would never let me forget, because God knew that that knowledge I had of that pain I had inflicted upon myself would serve me well after God had called me to help other people.”

  Her hands wiped away the tears.

  “And it has. It has.

  “I used to look at the examples of God’s prophets as though they were some kind of lie: God called upon thieves, murderers and gamblers to do His bidding: what kind of god was that? What kind of god would call a junkie like me to join The Salvation Army? But I came to understand that the lives of these people were changed drastically by the calling of God, were changed for the better, were changed as an example to the rest of us just how powerful and loving the will of God really is. God chose individuals like David, and even Jonah who ran away from God’s calling, as examples of ‘failed human beings’ who could rise above their humanity and do good in the world.

  “Young Oliver is an amazing character. He never seems to fall into the trap of crime, only ever to be led by human hands in and around crime; yet his good soul never seems to fail him. Sometimes I wish I could be like Oliver, but most days I struggle to even relate to him. Because every day I seem to fail. Every day when I think I’m doing good, something goes wrong; every day when I think I have achieved blissful happiness, the afflictions from my past stare at me ruthlessly; and every day, at some point, I seem to fail in my ability to follow the example of Christ.