Restless Hearts

by Mona Ingram

  Once outside, she pulled her shawl around her shoulders and stepped into the shadows behind a rose trellis. It was too cold to stay out here for long, but the change in temperature would cool her down in more ways than one. She took several deep breaths and was about to go back inside when she heard a soft moan. Was someone in pain? Did they need help?

  She was about to step out of the shadows when she heard a man’s voice. “Oh, Lewis. I can’t live like this, knowing you’re going to marry Sarah. I thought you loved me.”

  And then the familiar voice of her fiancé. “I do love you, Stephen. You know that.”

  Uncomfortable spying, and yet mesmerized by the conversation, Sarah looked around the corner of the trellis. Lewis was tenderly holding Stephen’s face, and as she watched, he kissed the other man fully on the mouth, deepening the kiss until the other man moaned with need. The sight was oddly arousing, and disturbing at the same time. Lewis had never kissed her that way, and now she knew why.

  “When can we be together again?” The man called Stephen was touching Lewis intimately, and Sarah looked away. “It’s been too long.”

  “I don’t know, but please be patient. I’ll talk to Sarah soon. I promise.”

  Sarah didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until the patio doors opened and a laughing couple stepped outside, music spilling out behind them. She slipped through the open door and stood quietly for a moment, composing herself. She’d heard about men who preferred other men, but she hadn’t known any. At least she didn’t think she had... until now.

  Her initial shock was soon replaced by relief. She didn’t want to marry Lewis, or anyone else at this point in her life. They’d met over ten years ago, and grown up together, but she blamed herself for the situation they were in now. She should never have gone along with their family’s expectations that they would one day get married.

  The engagement ring felt tight on her finger and she looked at it sadly. She’d accepted his proposal during the Christmas season, knowing even then that it was a mistake. At the time it had seemed like the only way out. Her father had refused to endorse her for the medical college and here she was, twenty two years old and would soon be considered too old for marriage. Especially now, with the pool of available men shrinking, as many headed west to find gold and excitement in California.

  Lewis’s family owned a cartage business, and they had been talking about expanding. The idea of moving away from Boston appealed to her, and she’d told herself that by accepting his proposal she could make a new life. She would come to love him eventually, she told herself. At least they were friends.

  But now everything had changed. She managed to avoid the other guests and sought out a quiet corner where she could think. It wasn’t a question of what she should do now. That much was clear. The question was, when should she confront Lewis?

  “There you are.” Startled, she looked up to see him standing in front of her. “Are you all right, Sarah?” He’d known her long enough to discern that something was wrong. She wished the best for him in his difficult life ahead, but she would have preferred that he wasn’t so perceptive.

  “I’m fine.” It was an automatic answer, and she retracted it almost instantly. “No, I’m not, Lewis. I’ve developed a bit of a headache. Do you mind taking me home?”

  “Not at all. I’ll have the carriage brought around, and we can leave immediately.”

  * * *

  Lewis looked over at her several times on the way home. He appeared to be getting up his nerve to speak, while Sarah looked straight ahead, gathering herself for what was to come.

  When they pulled up in front of her father’s residence, he fidgeted, making no move to get out.

  “Lewis.” She turned to him. “I’m sorry, but I can’t marry you.”

  The look on his face was almost comical. His first reaction had been joy, then a puzzled expression took over.

  “Why, Sarah?”

  Light flickered from the lamp at the gatepost, and she looked into his eyes. “I saw you with Stephen tonight. I overheard what you said.”

  The blood drained from his face and he seemed to shrink back into the depths of the carriage.

  “It’s all right, Lewis. I understand.” She gave his hand a squeeze. “We never should have become engaged in the first place.”

  He looked up, and for a moment she thought he might cry. “Do you hate me?”

  “Of course not. We’ve been friends too long for that.”

  Hope flared in his eyes. “Then you won’t tell anyone?”

  “No. I’ll tell my family that we won’t be marrying, but that we want to remain friends.” She removed the ring from her finger and handed it to him. “Here, take this.”

  He reached for the ring and she held on, reluctant to sever the connection they’d shared for so many years. “You really need to be more careful when you and Stephen are in public together.” She released her hold on the ring. “What will you do?”

  He gave her a hopeful grin. “This is all very sudden, but maybe Stephen and I could move together to Philadelphia when we expand the business. No one knows us there.”

  Sarah nodded. “That could work.” She raised a hand to his cheek. “Be careful, Lewis, but be happy.”

  He nodded wordlessly, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. Sarah got out of the carriage and walked to the front door. She didn’t look back.

  * * *

  “You’re home early.” Sarah’s mother looked up as Sarah removed her shawl and stood at the entrance to the living room.

  “Yes.” Sarah pressed fingers to her temple. “I developed a bit of a headache.” She glanced toward her father’s chair by the fire. “Has father been called out?”

  Bridget Howard sighed. “No, he turned in early. He was up most of last night trying to save that young child who was run over by a carriage.” She raised her eyes. “The child died this morning.”

  Sarah squeezed her eyes shut and said a quick prayer. A dedicated physician, her father was still saddened every time he wasn’t able to save a patient. She liked that about him; the fact that he didn’t adopt an aloof air, the way some other physicians did when dealing with death. His compassion was one of the reasons she’d been taken completely by surprise when he’d refused to support her application to medical school. Another reason was that she’d been helping him treat patients in his office for as long as she could remember. She’d thought he understood where her interests lay.

  Her mother’s voice brought her out of her reverie. “Shall I make you some warm milk, my dear? It might help you to fall asleep.”

  Sarah smiled at her mother. Bridget Howard was the core of this family. Sarah’s father may be the breadwinner and the titular head of the household, but nothing worked in this family without her mother.

  “No thanks, but I would like to talk to you for a moment. Devon is out, I take it?”

  Bridget nodded. “Yes, your brother is out with his friends. I do wish he’d settle down, but...” Her voice trailed off.

  Sarah sat down on the footstool by her mother’s chair and plucked at the folds of her skirt. Her mother was going to be disappointed, but it would serve no purpose to delay.

  “Mother, Lewis and I aren’t getting married. We decided tonight.”

  Her mother’s gaze went to her left hand.

  “I returned the ring.”

  “But surely....” Her mother frowned. “This is rather sudden. Surely you can patch things up.”

  Sarah held her mother’s gaze and made a decision. “Mother, Lewis is in love with someone else.”

  Bridget put down her embroidery. “Why that’s preposterous.”

  Sarah felt her lips twitch in a wry smile. Her mother was right; it was preposterous. “Mother, Lewis is in love with another man. I found out tonight.”

  Her mother’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. Sarah watched as she looked around the room, her gaze finally coming to rest on a set of crystal candlesticks on the mantelpiece.
When she finally spoke, her voice seemed to come from a long distance. “Your father is going to be so angry when he hears about this.”

  “No he isn’t.” Sarah reached out and took both of her mother’s hands. “Because we’re not going to tell him the details. As far as he’s concerned, I changed my mind.” Sarah watched as her mother considered her statement.

  “I promised Lewis I wouldn’t tell anyone, and now I’m asking you to help me keep my word.” She smiled. “Please understand, mother. Lewis and I are friends. I genuinely like him, but quite frankly, I’m relieved not to be marrying him.” She felt like she’d been deprived of oxygen for a long time, and had finally been given permission to breathe. She gave her mother’s fingers a gentle squeeze. “I want something more than that in my life. I thought I’d be in medical college by now. That wasn’t to be, but I refuse to accept that my life is over. I don’t want to marry someone just to be married. I want to have a life that means something. I want to have some adventures.”

  Bridget Howard’s face softened and for a moment she was somewhere else as she gazed into the fire. “I can understand that,” she said quietly. “When I was young, I had the chance to go to England for a year, but my mother wasn’t well and I chose to stay home and take care of her. I’ve never said this to anyone, but I always regretted that I missed that opportunity. That was before I met your father, of course.” She looked at her daughter and exhaled slowly. “I know you’re deeply disappointed with him right now, Sarah, but he’s a good man.” She picked up her embroidery and stared at it, as though wondering who had created the intricate pattern. “And while I’m being frank, I might as well tell you: there were harsh words between us about your medical training, but your father was adamant.” She shook her head. “There was only so much I could do.”

  Sarah rarely heard her mother speak so candidly and it took a few moments for the words to sink in. “I didn’t know that. Thank you for sticking up for me. That means a lot.”

  Bridget’s fingers caressed the embroidery she’d just completed while she studied her daughter. “I’m going to lose you, aren’t I?” A tear ran down her cheek, but she was smiling. “What are you going to do?”

  Sarah sat up a little straighter. “I have no idea how I’m going to accomplish this, but I’d like to go to San Francisco.” Excitement fluttered in her stomach as she spoke. “I’m going to need your help, though.” For the first time in months, she looked forward to the future. “What do you say?”

  “You’re not afraid?”

  Sarah laughed. “I’m terrified.”

  Her mother smiled and shook her head. “Good, but we have to agree to something here and now. Your father must never know I helped you plan this. You’re going to leave a letter when you leave and I’m going to be completely taken aback when I find it.”

  “Thank you.” Sarah hugged her mother in a rare display of affection. “That’s one promise I can keep.”

  Chapter Three

  Had that really been only two months ago? Sarah came out of her reverie and looked around the deck. Excitement gripped her as she realized that her dream was about to come true. She was really here, on board WindSprite, soon to depart for San Francisco.

  As though in tune with her thoughts, the anchor chain clattered loudly as it was winched up from the bottom. Crew members, eager to get started, clambered up to the yards and prepared to release the sails.

  Lured by the sound, Lucy Davis popped her head out of the companionway, spotted Sarah and joined her at the railing.

  “Are you excited? How long has it been since your husband left?” A light breeze had sprung up and Lucy swatted impatiently at a few loose hairs.

  “Not too long.” The ship started to respond as wind filled the sails.

  “What does your husband do? Is he chasing the golden dream, or is he in business?”

  Sarah laughed. “Neither, really. He’s a doctor. I stayed behind to tidy up our affairs.” A weak story, but it was the best she could do.

  “I understand. I have a friend who’s married to a doctor in New York. She’s told me many times that she has to make all the practical decisions.” The ship heeled slightly, and Lucy clutched the railing. “My Charles has always been in business. I told him I expect a proper home by the time I arrive. The last letter I received assured me that he’s having a house built on a hill away from the center of town. I have no idea what that means, but I’ve brought enough household goods to set up housekeeping once I get there.”

  “We thought we’d buy a place after I arrive,” said Sarah. “Devon says he’s leaving that up to me.”

  Lucy gave her an odd look. “I may be wrong, but I don’t think there are many places available for purchase. I got the impression that it’s every man for himself when it comes to housing.” She shrugged. “Although maybe that’s among the single miners.” She gave Sarah an appreciative once-over. “You’re young and strong. You’ll figure it out. Now I think I’ll have a quick turn around the deck before it gets rough.”

  “Yes,” Sarah murmured to Lucy’s retreating back. “I’ll figure it out.”

  * * *

  The shoreline receded rapidly as the ship put out to sea. Off the bow of the ship, streaks of grey stretched across the sky, and in the west, the sun’s descent illuminated the clouds with a pale golden glow. Not the colorful, romantic sunsets Sarah had imagined, but she was confident she’d see many of those in the days to come. Today she was embarking on more than a sea voyage... she was embarking on a new phase of her life. This time she wouldn’t allow herself to slide into situations or relationships that weren’t to her liking. The notion was empowering, and she smiled to herself as she braced against a sudden swell.

  “Finding your sea legs?” Jamie Thompson appeared at her side.

  “They weren’t lost.” The words popped out before she could stop them, and she glanced sideways to see him grinning.

  “Touché,” he said, with a tilt of his head. “But seriously, those shoes aren’t suited to walking on the deck.” He looked out to sea. “Especially when we get into heavy waters.”

  Sarah looked down at her ankle-high, square-toed boots. “I’m learning that, but all the same, it’s exhilarating.”

  “Looking for a bit of an adventure, are you?” He raised an eyebrow.

  Sarah’s heart raced when he looked at her like that. She was enjoying his company far too much. “Not if it means being swept overboard, no. Thankfully, my mother is a practical woman, and she insisted that I bring several pairs of buskins along for that very purpose.”

  He nodded. “Buskins. You’re referring to low-heeled shoes, right?” His tone held a definite challenge. “Aren’t those usually worn by – how can I say this delicately – the lower classes?”

  She raised her head and met his gaze. “As I said, my mother is a practical woman.” She made a broad gesture that encompassed the sea and the diminishing land mass at their stern. “Something tells me that the old rules don’t mean much where we’re headed.” She paused for a moment. “Well... some of the old rules will still apply, of course, but I intend to keep an open mind when I get there.”

  “And your husband? Does he share your passion for fresh starts?” He spoke casually, but watched her intently as she pondered his question. She’d have to be careful around this man; he saw more than he let on.

  “Surprisingly, yes.”

  He turned to her. “Why is that surprising?”

  She kept her gaze on the distant horizon. “Because most men in the medical profession are fairly set in their ways. I grew up with a father who is a doctor, so I know all about that.” It was difficult to keep the bitterness out of her voice. It was time to change the subject before she gave too much away. “What about you? What prompted you to take the leap?”

  A fleeting smile crossed his lips. “I like the way you say ‘take the leap’. It suggests something wild and unknown.”

  If only he knew. She maintained her silence, and he continued.r />
  “As I mentioned before, my grandfather left me some property, but if I’m really honest with myself, that was just an excuse. I’ve been restless for some time now, and learning about my inheritance was the catalyst I needed.” He shuddered. “I can’t see myself being a banker for the rest of my life.”

  Sarah was about to respond when Melissa Taylor came running out onto the deck.

  “Mommy’s sick,” she said breathlessly.

  Sarah looked at Jamie. “Perhaps the steward...”

  Missy tugged at Sarah’s hand and she lowered herself to the child’s height. “Mommy has a baby in her tummy,” she confided. “That’s why we didn’t go in the wagons with Daddy.”

  Sarah imagined that the sea voyage would have seemed the simpler choice, but there was no point in wondering now... the die was cast. She rose and caught Lucy’s attention as the older woman strode around the deck for the third time. “Could you watch Missy for a few moments while I check on her mother?” Hopefully Anna Taylor’s sickness was an adjustment to the motion of the ship. If the woman’s condition was going to be an ongoing problem, she’d have to speak to the steward and determine how much help he could offer.

  “Of course,” Lucy agreed cheerfully. “Come along, then. We’ll have a story.”

  “Mrs. Taylor?” Sarah knocked and entered the cabin.

  A soft moan greeted her, followed moments later by the smell of vomit. Sarah had smelled and taken care of worse. She cranked the porthole until it was open a few inches, then went to Anna Taylor’s bedside.

  “Your daughter tells me you’re pregnant.” She placed a hand on the woman’s brow.

  Anna nodded and struggled to get up. “I’m so sorry,” she said, looking down at her soiled dress and the floor.

  “Think nothing of it.” A small towel and washcloth sat on a stand near the bed; preparations for the inevitable sickness. She dipped the cloth in cool water, cleaned off Anna’s mouth and chin, then gently wiped the woman’s brow. A few fine hairs lay flat against her sweaty temples.