She Became My Water

by Amy DeMeritt

  Bailey pulls her laptop off the counter and steps aside, but doesn’t walk away. Naomi steps forward, slightly pushing me away, and addresses Angela, “Can I help you?”

  Angela shakes her head with a small smile and looks at me. “Actually, I was hoping Piper could help me. I would like to make that deposit for the group I have meeting me here today. They should be here in a couple hours.” Naomi reluctantly walks away.

  Before I can answer her, Bailey says, “I’ll let you get back to work. When you get a chance, come let me know what you think of this.”

  “Ok, babe. I’ll be over soon.” Bailey smiles in a shy happy way and walks away. She is so damn adorable.

  When I look back at Angela, she’s smiling in a quirky way, but doesn’t say anything.

  “Do you know how much of a tab you want to save for your group?”

  She pulls out her wallet and places a credit card on the counter. “Two hundred dollars, please. I wish you would be joining us. Any chance you could sit with us for a few minutes?”

  I pick up the credit card and start the “special order” tab in the computer menu. Later, I’ll have to fill out a more detailed list of what was ordered for inventory reasons.

  “It depends how busy we are. If we’re not busy, I can sit for a couple minutes. I have a feeling, however, that the other women probably won’t want to talk to me. I saw the response below my comment when you came in last week.”

  “You still haven’t been back on the site?” I shake my head. “Nope. I have no idea what has been posted since I said goodbye.” She frowns and starts nervously playing with her left thumbnail. “Are you ever going to read my blog again?”

  I glance at Bailey a moment and Angela notices. She looks back at Bailey, and when she turns back to look at me, she smiles.

  “Is she the something amazing that happened after you cut ties with me?” I smile and laugh a little. “As you would put it, she is my ‘Jenna Tourney’.” Angela smiles really big and her cheeks slightly blush in an attractive way. She looks at Bailey again and grins. “Wow. You actually found a girl that has mastered the art of kissing and listening?”

  “And so much more.”

  “How long have you known her?”

  “A few weeks, but the time really is irrelevant.” Angela frowns. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. I didn’t mean to pry”

  “You didn’t. I only meant that time does not determine the depth of a relationship. The depth of a relationship can happen quickly or over time, depending on the willingness of the participants to share of themselves.”

  Angela regards me a moment, slightly biting the inside corner of her mouth. “I want to ask you something, but I don’t know if it’s too forward.”

  “Too forward would be physical, not words.” She blushes again and laughs a little. “Freedom to speak, but not kiss you, noted.” She laughs and shakes her head, saying, “Sorry, that sounded predaceous. Don’t worry, I don’t intend on trying to jump your bones.” Even after cutting ties with her, she still makes me laugh so easily. “What do you want to ask me?”

  Angela looks around a moment, as if checking to see how close any open ears are to hear what she is about to say.

  “Did you love me?”

  “I did.”

  “For how long?”

  “Three years.” Her eyebrows rise and she is quiet for a couple moments before saying, “You said I wasn’t good for you. Did I ruin other relationships for you?”

  “Do you really want to know that? What good will it do you?”

  “Yes, I want to know. I never thought that staying anonymous could cause anyone trouble, but yours is not the first confession I’ve received.”

  “That’s not surprising. Women value honesty above all else in a person and you were honest in a way most people aren’t. Yes, the feelings I had for you caused some issues in a couple relationships, but I’m sure they wouldn’t have lasted anyway. Besides, I wouldn’t have wanted them to have lasted – at least not this long.” She smiles and glances at Bailey again.

  “I thought I should be jealous of her because she has you, but now I wonder if I should be jealous of you because you have her. I’m glad you have someone so amazing. And I’m really glad I didn’t totally screw you up.” I laugh and shake my head. “Don’t worry, you didn’t turn me into a shut-in with a shrine in my closet dedicated to you that I sit in front of while I read your words over and over again. Anymore…”

  I smile and wink to let her know the “anymore” was a joke, and she laughs really hard.

  “I like talking to you.” She looks at her watch and then says, “I better get going. I have a couple more stops I need to make for the journey these women are about to go on.”

  “Journey?” She smiles and nods her head. “They’re going on a bit of a seek and find mission, secret admirer style. I’ve arranged for them all to first receive a half hour massage, then go fill a box of some of the best handcrafted chocolates in the area, go to a wine tasting and choose a bottle to take home, and then they’ll finally arrive here, where I’ll reveal myself to them in the flesh. Ok, that last part sounded like I was going to strip down to my birthday suit.”

  “Sounds like a nice adventure. They are going to be worshiping at our feet when they get here. Please keep the clothes on though. We don’t need any lesbian sacrifices being made on the tables in here.”

  “You don’t want to know the image I have in my mind right now.” She laughs and blushes. “Anyway, I’ll uh, see you soon. When they arrive, they will know to order anything they want under my first name.”

  “Got it. We’ll take care of your fan club while they wait for you.” She smiles and nods her head. “Thank you.”

  After Angela has left the shop, Naomi comes up next to me and loops her arm in mine. I look at her and she is smiling like a proud parent.

  “That went well. You tend to have a very flirty personality, but you actually only came off friendly. Good job.” I smile and kiss her cheek. “Thank you.”

  “Naomi, stop hitting on my woman.”

  We look up and Bailey is standing in front of the counter smiling with her empty coffee mug. Naomi quickly releases me and backs up a step with her arms in the air with a mock shocked and shameful look on her face.

  “I’m sorry, Bailey. This pregnancy has my hormones raging right now.”

  We both laugh hard and I pick up Bailey’s mug to make her a refill. When I set it back down in front of her, she smiles affectionately.

  “Would it be weird for you if I stayed here and worked for a couple more hours? I know I’ve been here way longer than usual, already, but I’m getting a lot done and don’t want to lose momentum. I promise I’m not spying on you, though I’m sure it looks highly suspicious since you have Angela and her group of excited lesbians coming in today.” I laugh and shake my head.

  “No, Bailey, it won’t be weird for you to stay. You can stay here all day if you want. But I think I am going to end up having to fend Angela off of you.” She looks at me with a raised eyebrow and giggles a little bit. “Why is that?”

  “Well, on account that she knows I think you are the ultimate form of perfection, of course. I think she may try to steal you from me.”

  Bailey smiles so wide that her cheeks almost disappear. She looks at Naomi and says, “You hear that, Naomi? I’ve reached god status.” We laugh and I lean forward and kiss her lips. “All hail Goddess Bailey – patron of the written word, body paint, wood, water, and lesbians.” Bailey laughs and stands a little taller, pushing out her chest. “I need a head piece made of a twisted vines and flowers.”

  “With a cape made of flowers and nothing underneath,” Naomi supplies with a giggle. Bailey and I both look at her with a grin and she blushes and laughs. “What? Bailey is hot – straight or not.” I laugh and shake my head.

  “Ok, I think maybe there is some truth in those raging hormones. Bailey, we need to try and find some pregnant woman repellent th
is weekend so that I can safely make it through Naomi’s pregnancy.”

  We joke around for a few more minutes, but then some customers come in so Bailey has to go back to her table and we have to get back to work.

  An hour later, Angela’s group comes in and I recognize them the instant the door opens. There are ten and they are all carrying matching gift bags. I notice one of the bags is from my favorite vineyard – nice choice. The women are all animatedly talking and laughing and look like they are having the time of their lives. They range in age, probably early twenties to late fifties.

  When they reach the counter, they are all giggling with excitement. A woman that appears to be in her early forties is slightly in front of the group and appears to be the groups spokeswoman.

  “Hello, we are meeting a friend here. She asked that we order under her name and then she will join us after. The name is Angela.”

  I smile kindly and Naomi and I begin taking and filling orders for the group. More than half of them hesitate to order a pastry, but then their excitement leads them to abandon their calorie counting for the day and every one of them orders some of our most decadent deserts and pastries.

  When the women take a seat, towards the front of the shop, I can’t help but smile. They all look so happy. They were probably all strangers before today, but will probably become some of the best of friends after today.

  After several minutes, I notice the woman that appears to be the group’s leader sit up straighter with her phone in her hands and waves her hand in a downward motion to settle the other women. They all quiet down and turn to look towards the door.

  Naomi comes up next to me and Bailey also walks over to stand at the counter with us. We watch and wait a couple moments. Angela comes through the door with a nervous happy smile on her face and the instant she walks towards the group, they erupt out of their seats and nearly tackle her as they envelop her in a group huddle.

  It’s a very heartwarming sight to behold. After they all hug her, one by one, they release her and she glances up at the counter with a very emotional look on her face. She looks happy, but vastly moved at the same time. She walks towards us and stops next to Bailey.

  “Piper, will you join us for a few minutes?” I immediately feel Naomi’s hand on my back, pushing me away from the counter. I walk out from behind the counter and look at Bailey a moment, “You want to come with?” She smiles and shrugs a shoulder, before saying, “Sure. Naomi, will you watch my stuff?” Naomi nods her head and we follow Angela over to her group.

  I’m actually very surprised by the groups reaction when Angela tells them who I am. I expected them to be mad at me for how harsh I was, but they all embrace me in a similar fashion to the greeting they gave Angela. Just as surprising, they thank me for forcing Angela into the open so they can get to know her. I’m sure if Angela had decided to ignore my jabs and remain anonymous, they would not view my comment in such a positive way.

  After everyone settles down, we take a seat and everyone looks to Angela to “hold court”. She looks around the group with a small smile and then slightly bites her bottom lip.

  “Over the past seven years, writing that blog has been the thing that has kept me going. Being able to be nearly completely open with all of you and share with you most of ‘me’ has been my saving grace. There is something that very few people in my current life know about me that I would like to share with all of you because I want to begin to remove the mask completely. I want to learn how to be secure and confident in who I am and I can only do that if I am honest with not just you, but also myself.”

  She takes a deep breath and looks like she is really struggling with saying what she wants to reveal. She looks around at each of the women sitting around her and she smiles serenely.

  “My name now is Angela, but it once was Andrew.” The group gasps and the two woman closest to her take her hands and hold them tight as “Angela” starts to cry.

  I feel a sickness in my stomach and I feel like I have been slapped in the face. I have nothing against transgender people and honestly do believe that some people are born the wrong gender. But sometimes, I struggle with the thought of being with a transgender woman because of the biological level of her gender. I do believe that on a mental and emotional level Angela is a woman, but on a cellular level, she is still a man. The fact that I consider myself a “purist lesbian”, and I’ve only ever been with women, makes it hard to imagine or understand how loving a split gendered woman is possible.

  After Angela composes herself, she continues, “Even as a toddler, I felt like I should be a girl. I used to dress up in girl’s clothes, let my hair grow long, and I only ever wanted to be around girls. My parents did not suppress me and actually paid for me to have hormone therapy to prevent me from going through puberty until they agreed to pay for my sex change when I turned eighteen. I have been a full woman for eleven years.”

  She pauses and some of the women toss out words of encouragement and support. I have not said one word yet. Angela looks at me and I suddenly feel on the spot. For probably the first time in my life, my book is closed and I cannot say what I actually feel right now. A couple customers come through the door and I take that as my opportunity to leave the group. I stand up and push my chair in.

  “Angela, I’m glad you are starting to learn how to be honest with yourself and those that care about you. I’m sorry, but I have to get back to work.” Angela’s eyes register sadness and has so many questions burning behind them, but she gives me a small smile and curt nod of her head. “Thank you, Piper.”

  Bailey stands and follows me back to the counter. As soon as I am behind the counter, I open a bottle of ice cold water and down half of it. I look back to the group and I just can’t handle it. I quickly turn and walk into the kitchen to get away from everyone.

  We don’t need them, but I start working on a batch of chocolate chip muffins. The act of measuring ingredients and blending them in the commercial mixers only slightly lessens my minds agitation. My mind is just so confused and my heart aches. It was one thing to not know her name and face, but to not be forewarned with this piece of information feels almost like the time I learned that Santa Clause is just make believe. Being tricked into loving something and being told it’s not real is very painful and makes it hard to trust those you should be able to trust above all else.

  After about five minutes of mixing muffin batter and stewing in my head, Bailey comes into the kitchen.

  “So, this is where all the pastry magic happens, huh?” She pulls a stool over and sits down across from the commercial steel table I’m working on. I just nod my head and keep working. “Piper, look at me.” I look up and she asks, “Are you doubting yourself or do you feel betrayed?”

  I wipe the flour off my hands onto my apron and move around to the other side of the table. Bailey pulls me down to sit side-saddle on her lap and wraps one arm around my waist and one over my legs, holding me close to her.

  “I’m not doubting myself. It’s not like I had feelings for a man because her mind is definitely woman through and through. I guess I feel a little betrayed. That’s a big truth to keep hidden.”

  “It’s no different than a person having an appendix removed. Or their tonsils removed. Would you need to know those to determine if you could like a person?”

  I look at Bailey as if she has just said the most prophetic piece of truth uttered in the past century. If I believe she is a woman in her mind and heart, then why does the biological aspect matter? I know I could never be with the male physique or even a woman with a male mind, but a transgender woman that has had the surgery to become who she really is should not be held in the same category as a man. She is woman through and through, 100%. Science does not matter.

  I feel so sad for those men and women that are stuck in the wrong body and can’t afford to have the surgery to correct it. It must be so painful to feel like you don’t belong in your own skin and even more painful when the person you wan
t to be in a relationship with can’t accept your current form. I’ve never thought too much about the challenges faced by the transgender community. I need to educate myself on this so I can understand their plight better.

  “I didn’t think of it that way. I probably made her feel terrible about herself walking away like that. Are they still here?”

  She nods her head. “They are.” Bailey pulls me into a tight hug and kisses the side of my neck. While she holds me, I whisper, “Thank you, Bailey. I love you.” She squeezes me closer and kisses my neck a few more times. “I love you, too. Come on, let’s go back out there.”

  I quickly put the batter I just made in the fridge, wash my hands, and we go back out front. When we come out of the kitchen door, Angela is making her way up to the counter. Our eyes meet and she looks sad and torn.

  I take Naomi’s place at the counter and cut Angela off as she tries to say sorry. “Angela, I am so sorry for the reaction I had to what you said. I promise I don’t have a problem with it. I honestly do see you as a complete woman.”

  She smiles and her eyes tear up. She reaches across the counter and takes both of my hands in hers. “Piper, I have hurt you in the secrets I kept. I don’t blame you for having that reaction. I wish I had been brave enough to tell you privately. I knew some of the women coming today are supportive of transgender people so I had more courage admitting it in front of them. Knowing that you had loved me, I really owed it to you to tell you in private, but I just didn’t have the courage to. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to be sorry. It was just my ignorance on the subject that caused me to have that reaction. I understand a little better now, but I know I need to educate myself more on what you have had to deal with.” Angela smiles and looks at Bailey. “Can I take you both out to dinner tonight?” Bailey smiles and looks at me. I nod my head once to let her know I’m fine with it and Bailey answers, “Yes, we can all go to dinner. I have to get back to work, but work out the details with Piper and I’ll see you later.”

  “Ok, I’m looking forward to it. Thank you.”