Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius

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Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius Page 6

by Stacey Matson


  Dear Kennedy,

  Of course you mean a lot to me! It’s just that your note said that I didn’t have to respond so I didn’t. Are you really upset? I’m sorry. I was at a dance with Anila this weekend, and I spent a lot of time talking to my cousin Luke, which my dad said was expensive because it was long distance, so I wasn’t allowed to call anyone else.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

  To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  Sent: November 25, 20:59

  Hi Arthur!

  I just think we should talk about this! I know I can’t really ask you to do that because I’m NOT your girlfriend, but I can’t HANDLE having this drama between us!!! I HATE knowing that you hung out with Anila this weekend! It makes me so sad!!

  Kennedy :(

  From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

  Sent: November 25, 21:29

  Dear Kennedy,

  I don’t want any drama between us, either! I’ll talk whenever you want to, and I promise I won’t mention Anila. This is between you and me, right? No one else. Don’t be sad. :(

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Assignment: Effective Setting: The Lloyds’ Bathroom

  By Arthur Bean

  Lloyd Lloyd spent a lot of time in the bathroom, more than the average human, which meant that he liked to have things to look at while he was there.

  It was a pretty average bathroom, as far as bathrooms go. There were two sinks side by side, both white. The counters on either side of the sinks showed whose sink it was. The right one was filthy, covered in tiny moustache and nose hairs from Lloyd’s shaving, along with dried splotches of toothpaste around the sink, the counter and the mirror in front of it. The second sink was pristine, since Lloyd’s wife, Betsy, only cleaned up her side. Her counter space was covered with tiny bottles of lotions and makeup, mostly filched from hotels. The towels were mint green, matching the mint green paint. It was very minty in there, and reminded Lloyd to brush his teeth. The mint green was only broken up by the number of framed pictures on the walls. There was the poster of kittens their daughter gave them as a Christmas present when she was ten, found on sale at Walmart. There was his university degree, which merited a place here because he felt that his education was being thrown down the toilet. An engineering degree, and all he did was work at the bank as a teller. Then his wife’s decorative plates were there, and a watercolour of some castle, and a black and white photograph of trees. Lloyd liked looking at the trees the best, so he put that one right in front of the toilet, along with a framed page out of a Where’s Waldo book to give him something to do.

  Lloyd finished up and flushed the toilet. He ran his hands under the water, more to avoid his wife nagging him about washing his hands than to actually wash them. He turned and wiped his hands on the mint green towels. The towel rack was unreasonably far away from the bathtub, according to Lloyd, although he now had to look at the hole in the drywall from when he had tried to move the rack closer and failed. He would have to try again in the spring.

  He opened the door and yelled, “Bets! You need to tone down on the chipotles next time you make chili!”

  The End

  Arthur,

  I was worried about where you were going to take this piece, but you’ve done a nice job describing the Lloyds through your description of the bathroom. It’s a little crude, but I appreciate that you mostly stayed away from the obvious jokes and focused on the assignment.

  Ms Whitehead

  i thot of a great name 4 my caracter. BLAZER.

  Like a jacket?

  no morron. like Lazer and Blade put 2gether.

  Oh, I get it. Cool!

  November 27th

  Dear RJ,

  I think Kennedy might be avoiding me. I told her we could talk, but every time I see her at school and try and bring it up, she says that she can’t talk to me about it and runs away. I thought about asking Catie what’s going on, but I don’t know if she’ll tell me the truth anyway. I don’t know what I should do. Luke said that I should take Kennedy out on a date and see what happens. He said that if I go out with Anila and Kennedy back to back, it’ll be clear what I should do, because I can compare them easier. He’s a smart guy!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

  Sent: November 27, 21:06

  Dear Kennedy,

  What are you doing on Sunday? Maybe you would like to go to Heritage Park and see the Christmas town.

  I have two free passes that I cut out of the newspaper so it’s free.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

  To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  Sent: November 27, 21:49

  Hi Arthur!

  I would LOVE to go to Heritage Park!! It’s one of my favourite places to go!

  How did you know?! You must know me so well LOL!!

  Kennedy :)

  From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

  Sent: November 27, 22:00

  Dear Kennedy,

  That’s great!

  Can your dad drive us there? My dad can pick us up.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Robert and Arthur,

  Please welcome Von Ipo to the AV Club! He’s expressed an interest in working on your zombie project, and I think he will be a great addition to your creative team. He comes with extensive experience in making short home movies, and he tells me that he is well versed in editing software and film design. He’ll be joining our AV Club meetings beginning next week.

  Mrs. Ireland

  From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

  To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  Sent: November 28, 18:43

  Hey, Artie!

  So stoked to be in the movie. Can’t wait to work with you guys — been writing movies and stuff since I was basically born. Anyway, just thought I would tell you how happy I am to do this. If you need suggestions of what movies to watch that I think would work well for what you are trying to do, let me know. I mean, I’ve probably seen a movie directed by every single director ever, so I’m good at giving suggestions.

  I also have some suggestions for my character — was thinking it would be best if my character has a dark past. Like maybe my dad was a zombie hunter but was killed by zombies when I was a kid. Or my twin sister was turned into a zombie and I feel guilty cuz I led her into the zombie lair. I also think that my character should be the lead in the military. I’m in army cadets and have been since I was old enough to be in it, so I’m basically a soldier. I would be able to do my own stunts too, because I’m really fit and flexible and can basically jump over anything from standing up.

  Von

  I just got the most annoying email from Von. Can we cut him from the movie before I actually turn him into a zombie?

  give him a chance. he was in Romeo & Juliet with me last year. he’s pretty funny.

  plus he probly knos how to use our camera better than us.

  I doubt it. I don’t think we should even show him that camera. He’d probably rat us out.

  Besides, he probably already has the best camera ever made ever. EVER.

  well if he does we wont need the other 1.

  I was being sarcastic.

  ur so funny I forgot to laff.

  From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

  To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  Sent: November 29, 8:04

  Hi, Artie!

  I’ve got more ideas for you! Every great movie needs to have a romance going on, and I think that my character probably grew up next d
oor to one of the girls. Then we lost touch, but we see each other and fall in love again. Then her character dies at the end. That’s what every good action movie has. I’ve basically seen them all, so I know how to write good dialogue and great plot twists.

  Von

  Hi, Arthur! I was thinking that we should go to Heritage Park on Saturday. They have a wonderful Christmas display in the old town. It’s quite magical, if you’ve never been! XOXO

  I also have a coupon for two free passes. That leaves us more money for hot chocolate and treats … XOXO Anila

  Sounds good. Can your parents drive us?

  November 30th

  Dear RJ,

  I did what Luke suggested and I’m going out with Anila on Saturday and with Kennedy on Sunday. We’re even doing the same thing both days, so I’ll really know what I should do after I’ve done the identical activity! And it’s not really a date with Kennedy. After all, I’m going with Anila first, so that definitely counts for something! And there’s no way that I will run into Anila there on Sunday (who would go twice in one weekend?), so she won’t know that I’m out with Kennedy. I don’t want her to worry or get jealous or mad. It’s not like I’ve done anything. Kennedy and I are just going to hang out and talk.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  DECEMBER

  December 2nd

  Dear RJ,

  What a weekend! I went out with Anila yesterday to Heritage Park, and I had the chance to find all the best spots so that when I went with Kennedy today, I could show her the cool stuff. Kennedy was so impressed that I knew Heritage Park so well! Plus, I bought tickets for the hayride for me and Anila and then we didn’t have time to go on it, so I got to use those with Kennedy and I’m sure she thought I was such a good date for having bought the tickets ahead of time. Little did she know!

  But that’s not what was great, RJ. The great part was that I got to kiss Kennedy!!!

  When we first got there, I didn’t know if I should bring up the fact that she told me she liked me, or if she would do it, and I think she didn’t know what to do either. So we were walking through all the old houses and stores, and looking at the Christmas stuff not really saying anything. It was getting weird, so I started telling her facts about Heritage Park and all the old houses and stuff, but she interrupted me and said that she was getting cold. So I asked her if she wanted hot chocolate, but she said that I needed to keep her warm. So I asked her how, and she hugged me, and then we stopped walking (because it’s really hard to hug someone and keep walking). Then Kennedy pulled away a little bit and she said, “Are you going to kiss me?” and I didn’t know what to say, so I said, “I don’t know. I have a girlfriend.” So then Kennedy said, “I know, but it’s so romantic here.”

  And it was AWESOME. It was so romantic, and everything was perfect and I forgot about Anila totally, and we kissed and then we held hands (well, mittens) and we walked through the park and took the hayride along the reservoir and got hot chocolate and we were one of those couples that people smile at when they see them because we were so in love. I wanted to kiss her again, but I didn’t get a chance to because my dad was already waiting for us when we left the park.

  I don’t know what I’m going to do about Anila now, but today I’m not going to worry about anything, because I KISSED KENNEDY!!!

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  December 2nd, well actually December 3rd

  Dear RJ,

  I can’t sleep, for two reasons. One is that I feel kind of terrible for kissing Kennedy when I’m dating Anila. Good guys don’t do that, and I hate feeling guilty. The second reason is that I keep thinking about Kennedy and how I might get to kiss her again. I don’t know what I’ll do if she’s all over me at school tomorrow!

  I think I should probably keep my weekend free in case Kennedy wants to hang out again, though. Or maybe I should make her jealous and tell her I’m busy. I don’t know which would be better.

  I can’t tell Robbie. He’ll be so mad if he hears that Kennedy is in love with me. Things have gotten so weird between him and Kennedy since their fight. It gets worse every day, so I know he’s going to think that I’m on the enemy’s side. I’ve been trying not to get into whatever they’re fighting about though, because I guess he’s my best friend now. That’s a weird thing to say, especially since I worry that he might beat me up at any time. Well, not beat me up, but he could definitely stop being my friend and go back to making fun of me. Especially with all that stuff with his mom. I looked it up to see how long custody cases last, and all the stuff I found said that it could be months or even years long. It was all people writing in the States, though, so maybe it’s faster in Canada. It must suck to not know what your parents are doing. One thing I know for sure, my parents would have never gotten divorced or separated or whatever. They were way too geeky for that.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  Hey, Artie,

  We’re focusing on the winter break in the next issue, and I’m hoping that our keen reporters (like you!) have ideas for what students could do during the holidays. If you have an idea for an article highlighting something in the city that might be interesting to other kids, let me know!

  Mr. E.

  ZOMBIE SCHOOL

  by Arthur Bean and Robbie Zack

  and Von Ipo

  December 4 Production Meeting Notes

  Focus on creating one central conflict for your movie. What is the driving force behind the story? Remember to include everyone’s opinions as well as a list of things to remember for the next meeting. –Mrs. Ireland

  Meeting Recap:

  Obviously, the central conflict is the one where the GGA has to take down the teacher zombie army while simultaneously fighting ZAP, and possibly werewolves and, if we can figure it out, aliens. Meanwhile, there will be some in-fighting in the GGA because there’s a member of the GGA who no one wants to be there but he just invites himself into the gang and they don’t know how to get rid of him. Also, one of the GGA gets kidnapped by ZAP and gives away classified information after getting tortured, so the GGA end up in a standoff with ZAP and one of the soldiers dies. There’s also a mole working inside the GGA, but he betrays them once and then he dies in a zombie fight. Then there’s a scene when he’s a zombie, and the GGA has to kill him, but they don’t really want to because he was one of them even though he betrayed them in the end.

  TO REMEMBER:

  We should make ZAP a group of vampires! –VI

  That’s the lamest idea I’ve heard in a long time. This is a serious movie. Vampires have no place in serious movies. –AB

  arties rite. its not a romance. –rz

  We can’t just add in every mythical creature ever imagined. What’s next? Centaurs? Hippogriffs? –AB

  u should talk. u want aliens in EVERYTHING. –rz

  I bet I could get my dad to rent a crane for us. He’s really good friends with the guy who built the whole university. –VI

  Note the amended AV Club policy in regard to crane rentals. –Mrs. Ireland

  AV CLUB POLICY — Amended #3

  1. Any student may join the AV Club.

  2. All equipment must be reserved ahead of time and signed out upon use and signed in upon return.

  3. Have fun!

  4. Filming must take place in sanctioned school areas. There is no filming in areas restricted to students, such as the basement, the roof and the staff room.

  5. There will be no guns in the film, and other weaponry will be kept to a bare minimum.

  6. All equipment must be provided by the students or the Drama Department. Any additional equipment must be requisitioned through the AV Club administrators.

  From: Von Ipo ([email protected])

  To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  Sent: December 4, 17:04

  Hi, Artie!

  Great meeting today! Can’t wait to start filming, right? Totally happy to help film scene
s that I’m not in too. I really understand the complexities of filming something. I’m basically an amateur expert.

  I’ve done editing too. My brothers and I have made probably more than 100 movies that we sent in to America’s Funniest Home Videos. Totally almost won once too. They called us and told us that our home video was the funniest movie they had seen in over ten years, but that we couldn’t win because we weren’t over 21. But they basically told us that we would have won like ten times because our stuff was so funny.

  Can also help you with special effects. I’ve been playing around in my spare time with computer animations, and basically I can pretty much make anything happen. So when you need to make the school explode and stuff, I can do it for you, no problem!

  Let me know. Happy to hang out and show you a few cool things on my computer if you want to learn how the pros use the camera. It might make the movie look less amateur.

  Von

  From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])

  To: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

  Sent: December 6, 16:20

  Dear Kennedy,

  I’m writing about Heritage Park for the newspaper article this week, since we had such an amazing time! I bet people don’t know that you can get two hot chocolates for the price of one if you order a large and two cups! And they probably don’t know that you can squeeze two people into the one front seat of the hayride beside the driver if you sit really close together. Do you want to write it together? We could make it really cute.

  Yours truly,

  Arthur Bean

  From: Kennedy Laurel ([email protected])

 

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