Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius
Page 10
Book It to This Sale!
By Arthur Bean
The library is hosting a Used-Book Sale the size of War and Peace this week, and it’s going to be as epic as The Odyssey! There will be a huge number of discarded library books, both fiction and non-fiction, so if you are in the market for a set of Encyclopaedia Britannica from 1987, get there early! These books will be flying off the shelves because of the low, low prices. There are some great books being sold, plus new stuff being put out every day, so come back more than once.
A number of parents have also donated books, so get here early to reclaim your well-loved books that your parents thought you wouldn’t notice were gone. Trust me, if you don’t have a full, perfect set of Harry Potter when you’re eighty, you’re going to be so mad at your younger self!
All proceeds from the Used-Book Sale will go into buying better books for the library, so it’s a great cause, because maybe this way they will replace the class set of Hamlet with Diary of a Wimpy Kid!
What’s the best part about buying books at the Used-Book Sale at the library? There’s no way you can overdue it!
The sale runs Wednesday to Friday, at lunchtime, and again from 3:30 until 6:00 p.m.
Hey, Artie!
This is great; I like how you used appropriate humour but also remained positive about the sale. I’m sure the books will fly off the shelves. Here’s hoping they raise enough money to add stories to the school building. Get it? Storeys?
Mr. E.
From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: January 29, 18:58
Hi Arthur!
Did you hear about Robbie asking Catie out?!?! LOL!! I can’t believe he did it!! Catie called me when she got his text and she was KILLING HERSELF laughing! Catie showed all our friends at lunch today, and it was pretty funny LOL! He even attached a bathroom mirror selfie of him wearing his dad’s tie or something and holding a construction paper heart. It’s so weird! I NEVER thought Robbie would try and be romantic LOL!
I ALMOST feel bad for him, he looks so dumb in the picture!
I’m glad you’ve never tried to do anything like that! You have good taste LOL!
Kennedy :)
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: January 29, 19:17
Dear Kennedy,
I swear I had nothing to do with Robbie!! I tried to tell him not to ask her out, but he really likes her.
Robbie’s mom is coming back to Calgary this weekend, which means that I’ve got lots of time to hang out! We were supposed to work on the movie script without Von and Mrs. Ireland getting in the way. (She is driving me crazy. Does she have a thousand rules for class too?) I’ll probably still work on it, but I want to see you! We never get to hang out — just you and me! Do you want to come for pizza on Saturday night? After dinner, we can watch a movie or something, just you and me. Your choice of movie, of course! :)
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
P.S.: Did you get the notes I left in your locker today? I tried to fold them into origami flowers, but I couldn’t get them in, so they probably looked messy, but don’t think that’s a reflection on you!
know wat sux? mom is pressing her custoddy case cuz calebs a dumass.
WHAT?? What do you mean? Did she come here to take you with her? To North Carolina? She can’t do that! You’re not even an American!
IM NOT GOING. LET CALEB GO TO JAIL.
January 30th
Dear RJ,
I just got off the phone with Robbie. His mom flew back here because she thinks that Robbie’s dad is being a terrible dad and she thinks that Caleb and Robbie should move to North Carolina with her. All because Caleb stole mechanical pencils. And what about the stupid video camera in my closet? If Robbie’s mom finds out about the camera, then he’ll definitely have to move. He knows it too. That’s probably why he’s talking about Caleb so much. But I can’t take the fall for it. I was barely involved! Also, we didn’t really steal it on purpose. We just wanted to borrow it. And it’s not exactly the same as stealing from a big store like Caleb did. I don’t know why he stole that stuff. At least we needed the camera!
It’s not fair! Robbie can’t move. If he left, I’d have to rewrite the whole movie by myself. Or worse, with Von. And if Robbie moves, who would I hang out with on the weekends? I can only take so much perfume sampling with Kennedy and her friends. It would just be me and Pickles again, hanging out at home. Stupid cat.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
FEBRUARY
Assignment: Don’t You Carrot All?
By Arthur Bean
It’s all over the television, and debated heavily by parents: Should there only be healthy options in the Terry Fox Jr. High cafeteria? The movement to ban junk food is gaining momentum, but there is another side to this story. So far, no one has asked the students what they want. This essay will show why it’s important that junk food remain an option in the school cafeteria. There are many arguments as to why, but this essay will explore three major points supporting this argument. Students need to be given the freedom and experience to make good choices. Science has shown that if you eat junk food, you get fat. Well, if students don’t want to get fat, maybe they need to learn the hard way. Or maybe they have a good metabolism and can eat whatever they want. Also, junk food is a treat that students shouldn’t be denied at school. For many kids, school is hard enough, and then to only get lentil soup or celery sticks at lunch? That would suck. And the last point explored in this essay is that removing junk food severely limits the number of puns that can be made. How, I ask you, will we still have Fry-Day if there are no fries allowed?
Arthur,
This is nicely done. Your introduction is concise and engaging and covers all the necessary material. Two of your three points have some real weight to them; however, your secondary remarks weaken your argument.
Should you use this topic in the final in-class essay assignment, focus on strengthening your stance with facts rather than judgment. You should also think about a stronger third topic; food puns will not carry a lot of weight here. And please pay better attention to the assignment due dates.
Ms Whitehead
Ms Whitehead,
I think you are missing the power of the written word here. Lettuce be clear, most kids in the school donut understand a good pun, but if we keep trying to taco bout it, they will ketchup.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
catie rote back!
Took her long enough. What did she say?
that i am sweet. lol. she cleerly doesnt kno me.
That’s all? Did she say that she would go out with you?
i think that text speaks for itsself.
I don’t. I think you should ask for a real answer.
whatever dude. k doesnt even hang out with u. i dont think u can give realation ship advice.
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: February 3, 12:07
Dear Kennedy,
I was thinking about you this weekend! I think that enough time has passed since Anila and I broke up that I’m ready to date someone else. And I’m really thinking that that person should be you! After all, we have such great chemistry and I know we already like each other.
What do you think?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: February 3, 15:56
Hi Arthur!
That’s really sweet! You’re always so sweet! But I REALLY think that I was feeling confused when I said I liked you! I got all mixed up and maybe I shouldn’t have said anything! I really like having you as my friend! I don’t want to RUIN that!
&
nbsp; I know that it probably seems SO MEAN to you! But Catie and Jill and I were talking about it, and Catie says that I need to tell it to you straight! So don’t hate me, OK?!
Kennedy :)
February 3rd
Dear RJ,
Valentine’s Day is coming up, so I need to do something really big and romantic for Kennedy. Maybe Luke will have an idea. He always has good ideas.
I love Kennedy, but I didn’t know that dating her was going to be this hard! I just need her to say that she is mine. I’m sure that it’s just that Catie is telling her lies about me. All Catie cares about is what other people think. But once I can convince Kennedy that I’m 100% hers, I’m sure things will get better and it’ll be more relaxing soon. I hope so. I’m running out of words that rhyme with love! (Just kidding. I ran out of words that rhyme with love after my first poem!)
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Assignment: The Gratitude Project
We often think of Valentine’s Day as being a day for romantic love, but The Gratitude Project asks us to think of it as something more. This is a great opportunity to thank someone you love for the qualities they bring to you. You can use any form of writing that you prefer. Some of you may want to write a letter, a poem, a comic strip, even a short story highlighting some of the qualities that you love about a person and saying thank you for what positive things he or she has brought to your life. Speak from the heart!
Due: February 14
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: February 6, 20:10
Dear Kennedy,
I wanted to cordially invite you to come to the Valentine’s Day Dance with me next Thursday. Will you be my date? I’ll buy your ticket!
Of course, we’d be going as friends. I totally understand that you don’t want to ruin that. So, let’s not ruin it, and let me buy your ticket to the dance!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
To: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
Sent: February 6, 21:39
Hi Arthur!
Aw! That’s so so sweet!
I already PROMISED Catie and Jill that I would hang out with them at the dance! GIRL POWER LOL!!
Kennedy :)
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: February 6, 21:43
Dear Kennedy,
That’s great that you’re going! We can hang out there all together. We’ll dance the night away. Anila said that I’m a pretty good dancer, so hopefully you think so too! I don’t have a ride there, so do you think your mom or dad could pick me up?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
ZOMBIE SCHOOL
by Robbie Zack and Arthur Bean
and Von Ipo
February 7 Production Meeting Notes
It is imperative that you remember that this is a school and a learning institution. Ensure that your film’s content remains suitable for children as you finish the storyboard notes. –Mrs. Ireland
Scene Fourteen: The Hospital
Blazer gets a new bionic arm.
Scene Fifteen: ZAP Lair
The zombies descend on the ZAP lair and kill them all, proving them wrong.
Scene Sixteen: The Hospital
Blazer is testing out his new arm when he looks out the window and sees the ZAP lair blow up. He rips out all the tubes and IVs and runs out of the hospital.
Scene Seventeen: The Sewer
Tuff Arnold emerges from the sewer, where he was hiding to gather information about ZAP. He runs from the blast.
Scene Eighteen: Zipcode’s House
Zipcode sees the blast too, and starts stockpiling weapons. While he’s doing that, Blazer busts through the door and Zipcode says, without even looking up, “Took you long enough.” Blazer says, “It’s snowing. Slowed me down.” Zipcode says, “I thought you were ready for that.” Blazer says, “I am.” And then his bionic arm becomes a shovel. He says, “I could get here, but it was tricky just to get a coat on.” Zipcode says, “A blazer?” Blazer punches him and says, “If you’re not careful, I’ll shove you in a mailbox and see where you end up, Zipcode!”
TO REMEMBER:
We need to talk to a surgeon about how a bionic arm works. –AB
Or an FX guy. my arm needs a shovel, a gun, a grenade lawncher, chopstix and a reglar hand. –rz
You should already have the regular hand. –AB
watch it. my hand is super strength and it can strangle u like a python. –rz
I’ll talk to the city to find out how to get into the sewers. My mom knows the mayor so it won’t be a problem for me to get in there. –VI
Be careful. There could be pythons down there. It would be really really sad if you were killed making the movie. We would be sooooo lost. –AB
Don’t worry! I can find a machete to bring. That would be good in the zombie scenes too! –VI
Please refer back to Point 5 in the AV Club policy:
5. There will be no guns in the film, and other weaponry will be kept to a bare minimum.
And make note of this addition:
8. Scripts are necessary to facilitate a successful project.
February 10th
Dear RJ,
I hung out at Robbie’s today. His parents have started actual, legal divorce proceedings and his mom wants full-time custody. Robbie said that she says that all boys fail at life without their mother.
That makes me really mad, because some of us don’t get a choice! I mean, my dad isn’t awesome all the time, and we don’t talk a lot, but I don’t think he’s doing a bad job because my mom’s gone. I’m not failing at life! I don’t know her at all, but I hate Mrs. Zack. Maybe if she hadn’t left her family behind, Caleb would be fine. Robbie said that she can’t force him to go to the States though. They have to stay in the same province, so she has to choose between her boyfriend or her kids. Since she chose her boyfriend before, I bet she doesn’t follow through.
Still, it sucks for Robbie.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Arthur Bean (arthuraaronbean@gmail.com)
To: Kennedy Laurel (imsocutekl@hotmail.com)
Sent: February 11, 22:43
Dear Kennedy,
Did you get my email about getting a ride with you to the dance? My dad has a yoga thing, so he can’t take me. I can be ready whenever! Let me know what time and I’ll be waiting.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Do you know if Catie is going to the dance with Kennedy? I need a ride.
dunno. if she is tho, u better not dance w/ her!!! She’s mine!
Yeah. That’s not going to be a problem. I wish you’d come.
not my thing dude. im thinking i should take the camera and re-cord the fites b/w my mom, dad and bro. its reality show worthy. then i could make millions and divorce them insted.
February 14th
Dear RJ,
This sucks. I can’t believe that my dad would go to his stupid yoga thing and not make sure I had a ride to the dance. I can’t believe Catie, who ignored me at school today when I asked for a ride. She’s awful. I saw Robbie talking to her, and then as soon as he left, she turned to her friends and was clearly making fun of him. They were all laughing. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I know it was probably mean. I’ve tried to tell Robbie that Catie isn’t nice, but he shuts me down. I’m mad at Kennedy because she never emailed or called me back about getting a ride. And I’m mad at Nicole for choosing the worst week to go away. While I’m at it, I’m mad at Ms Whitehead for giving us a stupid homework assignment and I’m mad at Mrs. Ireland for ruining the movie and I’m mad at Von because he’s so annoying and I’m mad at Luke because he doesn’t live here!
I’m just going to take the bus to the
dance. I don’t care. Dad said that he could pick me up, so I’m going to leave a note for him to pick me up, and I’m going to go. It’s not quite a steed, but I’m going to be Kennedy’s prince tonight!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
February 14th
Dear RJ,
I never should have gone to that STUPID DANCE!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO MAD EVER!!!!!!!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
February 15th
Dear RJ,
Sometimes PD days come at exactly the right time. Like today. I spent the whole morning by myself watching TV and working on the end of the zombie movie, and I think that now I’m ready to tell you about the dance last night.
I took the bus there, and it took me forever. By the time I got there, I thought it would have started already, but there weren’t very many people yet and I didn’t want to go in alone. So I walked around the school, trying to see in the gym without anyone seeing that I was there, and I kind of watched people going in, to see when Kennedy would arrive and then pretend that I had just gotten there at the same time. But then Von came up and he was talking to me about the movie and all this stupid stuff and I missed seeing Kennedy. I had to push past him to get to the dance and when I got in the gym, Kennedy and Catie and Jill were dancing already. I tried to get Kennedy’s attention, but every time I came up to them, Catie would turn to block Kennedy from me.
I tried a few times to join them, but Catie just kept making sure that I was dancing by myself, and Kennedy didn’t stop her. I finally stopped trying to talk to her at all, and then SANDY — stupid, dumb Sandy who went out with Kennedy last year — came over and I watched the two of them talking and dancing and laughing with a whole bunch of people. I felt like a tiny bug on the sidewalk. I half-wanted to leave, but I also didn’t want to leave in case she came over to find me. Then the DJ said that there was one more song before the last song, and Kennedy and her friends all left the dance. I thought they were just going to the bathroom, but then they didn’t come back. I just stood there watching the door, with stupid Von beside me talking non-stop. And then the dance was over, and my dad was late picking me up, so I was the last one there and I had to help take down all the decorations and wash the dishes that were left over.