I believe that you can move forward with the project with or without Robbie. I expect that he may just need some time for his studies and to work through some family issues.
Let’s keep working together and make sure that there’s space for Robbie should he decide to return. –Mrs. Ireland
May 5th
Dear RJ,
I spent the whole weekend reading books and ignoring people, even my dad. I decided to pretend that I don’t exist and started a new novel. I read this book by John Green, and it basically told me that there are worse things in the world than getting dumped. Like having your girlfriend die. That’s worse, by a lot, and I have some experience of people dying already, so I know he’s right. So after this weekend, I’ll go to school and fix everything, somehow.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Arthur,
I have not yet received your assignment, which was due on May 3. Being late on assignments is becoming a habit that you need to break. I know you can do better, Arthur! I’ve seen it so many times! Mrs. Ireland has suggested that your film may be getting in the way of your school work. It’s important to prioritize your commitments and, in extenuating circumstances, speak to me early about getting an extension. Please see me after class to develop a plan for future assignments being completed on time and with effort.
Ms Whitehead
May 6th
Dear RJ,
That’s it. I’m quitting school and teaching myself through movies and books and Wikipedia.
I went back to school and Robbie is being treated like a piece of snot on a table. Everyone avoids him and they make fun of him and they were even spitting on the ground in front of him while we were waiting to get on the bus to come home. And he’s a total jerk to me! I’m the only person being nice to him at all, and instead of being appreciative, I get Jerk Robbie back. I don’t get it.
Plus, everywhere I look, Kennedy’s there. Even in the assembly today, I found her right away in the bleachers without even looking. Then I couldn’t stop looking for her, making sure she was sitting there still, watching who she was talking to, thinking about how pretty she looked.
It sucks, RJ. It all SUCKS!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Assignment: Dilemma Story
By Arthur Bean
Neal was an accountant. He lived by the book. He liked that he wore a tie to work every day. He drove his tan SUV to work, and he worked out on his lunch hour.
One day he got an email. Neal, being an accountant, loved getting emails, especially if they had spreadsheets attached. Neal’s favourite thing in the world was spreadsheets. Neal opened the email, only to find that it was from a Nigerian prince! It took a minute for Neal to decipher the poor grammar and spelling, but essentially, the email said this:
I have 3 million dollars in an offshore account in your name. This money could be yours, Neal, but only if you give me your bank account information, along with all the spreadsheets on your computer. If you don’t do this, not only will you not get the 3 million dollars, but I, the Nigerian prince, will kidnap your wife and make her my princess.
Neal felt his stomach drop. To be rich but lose all his spreadsheets? Or be poor and lose his wife to a better life as a princess? How could he choose?
TO BE CONTINUED …
Arthur,
I know that you, of all my students, could have come up with a much more interesting dilemma for this assignment. Since you’re a serious writer, consider these sorts of tasks as good practice for writing bigger pieces, like film scripts and novels. I would appreciate it if you put some effort into elevating your work to a superior quality, especially after our conversation on Monday.
Ms Whitehead
May 9th
Dear RJ,
Another stupid birthday.
I thought you weren’t supposed to hate your birthday until you were old and in your thirties.
This morning Dad woke me up super early, so I didn’t even get to sleep in. He asked if I wanted to go out for supper and if I wanted anyone to come, like Anila or Robbie, so that shows just how much he’s been paying attention.
And he asked about the camera again! He won’t let it go. And he brought up Arts Camp out of the blue, asking if I wanted to go back and if there was anything I needed to do in order to return. It was so uncomfortable!
Now I’m off to school for another crappy day of crappiness, made all the more crappy because your birthday is supposed to be a great day, so even if it’s a normal day it sucks.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
May 10th
Dear RJ,
I’m going to write a letter to Kennedy and tell her I love her. I’ve been working on the perfect draft. Here’s what I have so far:
Dear Kennedy,
I just wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I think I made a huge mistake! I should have picked you. You’re so perfect and so amazing, and I don’t want to not be your boyfriend.
I can be better! I can hang out with you whenever you want. I’ll let you always choose the movies we watch. I’ll never argue with you, even when you say that Star Wars is sexist and dumb. I’ll knit you the most beautiful sweaters ever, and you can always choose the colour and the patterns. I’ll bake you cookies every day and I’ll learn how to make chocolate cherry cheesecake because it’s your favourite dessert!
I’ll do ANYTHING you want if you’ll be my girlfriend.
I’m sending it today, RJ! Nothing can stop me!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
dude do u think that we need a zombie bazooka in the movie?
like instead of shooting bullets it shoots severred heads and then the zombies eat the brains and we go in and kill them while there eating?
Best idea ever! My dad’s work just did a big renovation, so they might have some of those giant rolls that carpet comes on. I bet he could get us one if I ask him for it!
Does this mean you’ll be at the next meeting?!
lets use the stupid camera if its gonna ruin my life anyway, but I can’t film till l8r cause my mom’s in town and were talking about “our family future.” PUKE.
We can do it later. No problem! You have to tell Von, though!
May 10th
Dear RJ,
Never mind. I’ll tell Kennedy how I feel later. I got kind of caught up in something else.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
May 12th
Dear RJ,
Today Nicole showed up in the morning and said that she wanted to take me to the zoo. I told her that I didn’t feel like going to the zoo, but she said that she wanted to see the white tiger they have right now, and she didn’t want to go alone and Dan is out of town.
So we went to the zoo. It was the first time I’d been there since I was, like, nine. It turns out she had an ulterior motive. She and Dan are moving in together. They rented a townhouse in Bowness. I don’t know what I was supposed to say. I don’t want her to leave, because I’ll probably never see her again once she moves. She said she would visit and that we would come for dinner there too, but I doubt it.
But on our way for pizza in Inglewood after the zoo we were walking along the river, and guess who I ran into.
Anila.
She was there picking up garbage from the riverside with her environment group. And I remembered that I said that I was going to help her do that back in October, and I felt really, really terrible. And then when she said hello and asked how I was doing, all polite and crisp like she always was, I felt so awful about everything that I started kind of crying. RJ, it was so embarrassing! I tried coughing a lot and then I said that I was OK, but that I had really bad allergies, but I think she knew I was lying. So she asked if I wanted to help out with the riverbed cleanup. Nicole said that she was going to get wool and I could call her when I was done. So I stayed, even though my sneakers got super soaked and my hands were freezing and so gross after
.
But I talked to Anila. It was kind of nice, because I could focus on finding cigarette butts or whatever, so I didn’t have to look at her. I ended up telling her everything. And RJ, I mean EVERYTHING. I told her all about taking the camera, and Kennedy making me choose, and about the kids at school being horrible to Robbie, and Robbie’s mom coming back and ruining our lives. She just listened. She didn’t even seem that mad about anything. She was pretty upset about the camera — after all, her parents are friends with the camp owners — but when I told her that we wanted to return it, she said that she would think about how we could get it back. It didn’t sound like she was going to tell the cops about it, so that’s a good sign.
She said that she kind of understood how Robbie must feel because she was bullied so badly at her old school that she switched to the one she’s in now. I really wanted to ask her what they bullied her about, because I don’t know what it could be. Maybe her teeth? Or because she sometimes sounds like she’s faking an Australian accent when she talks?
Anyway, I feel kind of OK, except I’m really tired and I just want to sleep. It must be all that garbage picking!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
ZOMBIE SCHOOL
by Arthur Bean, Robbie Zack and Von Ipo
May 16 Production Meeting Notes
So stoked that we can film the big final scene next Friday! I talked to everyone about the date change and I’ve got basically my whole hockey team coming, and some of their girlfriends, and I even convinced some of their parents to come and be zombie teachers for us! It’s going to be amazing! –VI
how are we going to attach a shovel and bazooka to my arm and make it look real? –rz
You better have not told anyone that they are getting paid, Von! This is strictly volunteer because they want to be famous. I kind of doubt that that many people will be here just for fun. –AB
It would be wise to review the AV Club policy in its entirety before you film, as there are many clauses to the policy that may affect your movie.
Also, please ensure that I have permission forms back from your parents saying that you may stay past 6:00 p.m. on May 24. If I don’t have those signed forms, you will not be allowed to continue, for liability reasons. –Mrs. Ireland
AV CLUB POLICY — Amended #6
1. Any student may join the AV Club.
2. All equipment must be reserved ahead of time and signed out upon use and signed in upon return.
3. Have fun!
4. Filming must take place in sanctioned school areas. There is no filming in areas restricted to students, such as the basement, the roof and the staff room.
5. There will be no guns in the film, and other weaponry will be kept to a bare minimum.
6. All equipment must be provided by the students or the Drama Department. Any additional equipment must be requisitioned through the AV Club administrators.
7. Special effects involving explosions are expressly forbidden.
8. Scripts are necessary to facilitate a successful project.
9. Language in the script and on set must be appropriate for all ages.
10. Parent/Guardian permission must be secured for any after-hours filming.
May 19th
Dear RJ,
I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff this weekend, and about losing people. I always thought that it sounded stupid that when someone dies, they say you lost someone. That’s not true at all. They’re not lost. They’re gone.
Like my mom. I didn’t lose her. I know exactly where she is. I don’t like it, but I know.
So I think that we should change things so that when you break up with someone you lose them. Because I definitely lost Anila, but then I found her again. I mean, not in the same way, but I think she’s still my friend.
I lost Kennedy, but I’ll find her again too. After all, we’re meant to be together. Even she knows that, she’s just too scared to start the rest of her life already.
I think I’m going to lose other people too this year, RJ. I guess it’s not just girlfriends, but friends too.
Nicole is going to be so far away next year, and with my luck our new neighbours will be old people who smell like cauliflower and yell about keeping the TV volume down.
I might lose Robbie too, if he actually leaves to live with his mom. I wouldn’t blame him for leaving. No one at school talks to him except to say crappy things. So then, who will be left?
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
From: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: May 21, 18:37
Dear Arthur,
I think I’ve found a way to get the camera back to the camp without anyone noticing. I’m not sure yet, but I’ll let you know when I have more details. It might be a bit tricky, but I feel like you’re pretty good at sneaking around.
Sincerely,
Anila
From: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
To: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
Sent: May 21, 19:02
Dear Anila,
Really? That would be really amazing. I can’t wait to hear your plan! And I can definitely be stealthy.
Thanks so much for helping me. I know you don’t have to, and I know I was a little bit of a jerk to you, but I’m glad you’re such a nice person.
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
Anila has a plan to get the camera back without ever getting caught!
wat is it?
I don’t actually know yet. But she’s really smart, so I trust her. I can’t believe she’s helping us. Do you think it’s because she’s still in love with me?
nope, i do not.
I just hope she doesn’t think I’m leading her on. But, still, I won’t say anything until after the camera is back. We need her on our side!
From: Anila Bhati ([email protected])
To: Arthur Bean ([email protected])
Sent: May 22, 19:03
Dear Arthur,
OK, I’ve worked it out.
My parents were invited out to Tomasz and Halina’s place for supper on Friday night. I begged my mom to let you and me come. I told her that we had been talking and that we really missed camp and wanted to help get it ready before the summer started. So she asked Tomasz if they needed anything done, and he said that there was definitely stuff we could help with.
So I’ll bring my backpack and say it’s homework (but it will be the camera).
Then after dinner we can ask to go look around camp. They’ll be talking and won’t care, so we can go and hide the camera somewhere where they didn’t think of looking for it!
What do you think?
It’s pretty simple, but I think it will work. We may have to do some cleaning while we’re there though. I don’t really know what kinds of stuff they need us to do.
Sincerely,
Anila
Got your email. Good plan, Anila! But is there any way that you can get them to move dinner to Saturday or Sunday night? We kind of need the camera on Friday.
Arthur, you can’t be serious.
No, of course not. I’m totally joking! I bet you missed my rapier wit! I asked my dad if I could go, and he said yes. Can your parents pick me up on your way?
May 23rd
Dear RJ,
I hope Anila’s plan is going to work.
I told Robbie about it and he said that he just wants the camera gone, and he doesn’t care how we get it back there.
He also thinks no one will show up tomorrow night to shoot the final scene in the gym anyway, so we can film my part later and put the two together using the computer. Robbie thinks Von knows how to do that.
Von acted like he was really upset about me not being there. I can’t stand that guy! As if he’s not totally happy that he gets to be the star (in his mind) and can steal all my good scenes and awesome lines!
But I’m not th
inking about it, RJ. I’m FINALLY going to be able to return the camera and pretend like nothing ever happened. It’s even better, because Tomasz will never suspect Anila or me of being involved in actually stealing it. We’re just not those people!
Yours truly,
Arthur Bean
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
wat mission? wat r u talking bout?
The shutter is closed!
r u texting the rite person rite now? im so lost
Forget it. I returned the camera.
oh. cool. thanx
May 25th
Dear RJ,
The camera is back! But what a return!
I wasn’t sure how we were going to put the camera back, so I made sure that I wore all black to the Zlotys’ house. I had a black turtleneck and black pants, and I even wore a black tuque. But then when Tomasz saw me, he asked if I was auditioning for a role as a cat burglar. I was sure he saw my face turn red, but I covered it up by laughing really loud and telling him I was trying out a new look as a slam poet. He thought that was really funny, so then I was off the hook, but Anila looked mortified and made me take the tuque off.
I had never actually been in the Zlotys’ house before. At camp, it was always kind of off limits. Not technically off limits, but there was just no reason to go there. It must be so weird to live at the camp all year long. I wonder if they get freaked out sometimes being so alone in the woods. I would! Their house didn’t look scary though. It looked like they took a city house and put it in the woods.
Anyway, just like Anila said, the adults got into some intense and boring conversation, so she asked if there was anything we could do around camp. Tomasz said that he needed all the chairs pulled out from the storage room and wiped down and put at the tables. We almost forgot to bring the camera when we left, so I had to sneak back into the front hall closet and grab Anila’s bag. I was so stealthy though. I left my shoes outside the house and slid in on my socks and grabbed the bag really slowly, then I snuck back out.
Scenes from the Epic Life of a Total Genius Page 14