Garden of Goodbyes

by Faith Andrews

  “What’s to think about, Violet? We have to admit him somewhere. Rehab, a hospital, a fucking homeless shelter.”

  I blanched at her flippancy, surprised she wasn’t as invested in Lennox’s recovery as I imagined she would be. “We can’t just leave him for dead, Eden! He’s still a human being.”

  “To you, maybe. To me, he’s just a memory.”

  I didn’t believe her. Her eyes told a different story. The fact she was here told a fantastical fairytale. “You’re full of shit. You still love him and believe me, I know he still loves you. Maybe if we give him a little hope . . . make him think you’re back for him? Maybe that’ll give him a jump start to get better.” I finally felt I was on to something.

  “Not a chance in hell. I’m not playing around with his head like that. After all, he’s still a human being.” She mimicked my words and added air quotes, then glared at me trying to remain poised but cracking under the pressure. She might not have noticed, but I noticed her line of sight kept darting to Lennox at the bar. Each time she caught a glimpse of him, she blinked her lids tightly and emitted a quiet sigh.

  I looked over my shoulder to take note of how out of it Lennox was. As an expert in Just how drunk is Lennox? I realized we had some time to spare to make up our minds. “Come on. Let’s sit down over there.” I pointed to a vacant table in the corner. It was midday so there wasn’t a crowd. I personally knew the staff, being a regular and all, so we’d have some privacy to get down to business. I hated thinking of it that way, but it was the only way Eden could look at it with a positive attitude. We were good. By the grace of God, she wasn’t trying to maul my eyes out of my head or run me over with her car. I wasn’t about to ruffle her feathers and risk her walking out and going back home before we figured out what to do with Lennox.

  Scanning the dive with her nose turned up, she finally gave in, “Fine. Lead the way.”

  “I’VE TRIED, EDEN. AS YOU can see, I’m sober right now. I have been for a while, but Lennox is a different story. He doesn’t know how to be a recreational user.”

  Eden laughed, rolling her eyes. “Keep making those kinds of excuses so you can feel better. There is no such thing as a recreational user! When you use the kinds of drugs you use, you’re considered a junkie. You just happen to have your habit under control a little better than he does. You don’t deserve an award for that, Violet.”

  Contrary to what she believed, I did deserve recognition. I wasn’t about to weave a sob story about the last few years though, because she didn’t need to hear it. I was embarrassed by the lows and mortified by the rock bottoms. I did terrible things to help Lennox feed his addiction. I endured terrible things to help Lennox feed his addiction. It was a terrible thing to help Lennox feed his addiction. There was no glory in this lifestyle, but I was here, in this moment, trying to do better. I wanted her to give me credit for that. “You don’t know half of what I’ve been through. You can’t even fathom the shit I’ve dealt with and the demons I live with. So please don’t make light of any of this, Eden. Give me that much, at least. I’m not a saint and I won’t ever pretend to be as good as . . . you . . . but I’m here now, and it shouldn’t be too late to start over.”

  My eyes welled up with tears. I wanted something from behind the bar. Something strong. Something that would make me stop suffering from the shameful scrutiny of Eden’s stare. But what would that prove? That she was right. Yet again. I had to do this dry. Even the solace of a relaxing joint would negate my point.

  Dismissing my attempt to gain sympathy, she folded her hands on the table in front of her, puffed out her cheeks and let out a long breath. “Okay. So. Our options. I think rehab is the best solution. Can’t we just drag him in the rent-a-car and drop him off? Don’t they accept walk-ins?”

  “It doesn’t work that way. We need his consent. That’s why you’re here. We have to talk to him. Convince him. I can’t do this alone.”

  She visibly bit her tongue, probably holding back another repetitive remark about how I did this to myself. Inside, I silently thanked her for that. After a long sip of her diet soda and another loud huff, she slapped her hands against the table and stood up. “Then I guess it’s time we wake him up. No time like the present.”

  Her business as usual attitude came as a surprise. This couldn’t be easy. Lennox was her first love—her only love—the man she was supposed to marry and have babies with. Yet here she was, nearing her late twenties, with none of those former dreams turned into reality.

  I mentally admonished myself. Her dreams hadn’t come true because of me. I suddenly felt the urge to make up for lost time. From what I understood, Eden had no intention of sticking around once Lennox was off our hands. If we convinced him to go to rehab today, this may very well be the last time I saw my sister. I refused to cling to the hope that we could have a relationship after this—I wasn’t totally dense. But I did want to make the best of the little time we had together.

  Looking up at her as she stared at Lennox, who was still in the same coma as when we arrived twenty minutes ago, I placed a hand on hers and pleaded, “Not yet. A few more minutes. Please?” Call it procrastination or cowardice, but I needed more time.

  Eden’s glare shot to where our hands met and then back to my eyes. I smiled then, hoping to demonstrate amity. Her lips remained in a straight line, almost disapproving, but her eyes softened around the edges, letting me know the shell of self-protective armor she’d created was finally starting to diminish. There is hope.

  When she sat, I cut right to it. I didn’t want to beat around the bush and waste any of her time because who knew when she’d decide she hated me again. “It’s pretty clear I’ve gotten nowhere in the last three years, but I’d really like to hear all about you.”

  Eden’s eyes popped wide and then her brows narrowed into one sharp V. “Seriously? You want to shoot the shit like this is some happy family reunion?”

  I could make something up or pretend for her sake, but yeah. That was basically what I wanted. “Yes. Can’t we be normal for five minutes? Wouldn’t it be great to pretend?” I feigned giddiness and squirmed in my seat.

  Eden shook her head and closed her eyes, clearly unamused by my act. But when she complied, I almost spit out my Sprite, soaking her haughty smirk. “Fine. What do you want to know?”

  Taken aback, I quickly got over it and spewed out a bunch of questions in a round of rapid fire. “What’s New York like? How’s your job? Are you in a serious relationship? Have you met anyone famous?”

  “Slow down there, nosy. You basically want me to sum up the last three years in a shithole like this over two glasses of soda pop? Impossible.”

  “Then stay. Afterwards. Stay awhile so we can catch up.” There was that hope again, tugging at me like a petulant child.

  “Violet.” That was all she said. It was all she needed to say to bring me back to reality. I was in La La Land if I thought she’d agree to anything of the sort.

  “I’m sorry. I just thought—” I looked down at my hands, unable to finish the sentence. What I thought didn’t matter. After what I did, it never would.

  “New York is amazing. I absolutely love the fast pace and the incessant noise that surrounds you at all times. It truly is the city that never sleeps. Probably why I don’t get much, either. The job is demanding, but exactly what I always wanted to do. My best friend, Joy, and I work hand in hand most of the time and share a lot of the same clients. We recently signed this really talented young actor who’s set to star alongside Emma Stone and Ryan Reynolds in a holiday flick due out next year. He’s adorable. I can’t wait to see his success. I’ve worked with some top-notch people. Singers, novelists . . . athletes. Everyone’s different. Some are so stuck up you want to pull the stick out of their asses and remind them we all put our pants on one leg at a time, and others are so down to earth you forget they’re in the spotlight. But my job takes up most of my time. A lot of hobnobbing and behind the scenes work goes into it, so I haven’
t found anyone special. I’m actually pretty happy on my own. I don’t have many regrets.” The conversation would head south if I let her continue, but it was so good to hear her share her personal life that I wished she would carry on for hours.

  I nodded and smiled from ear to ear, eager to hear more. I was so proud of her. So happy she found a way to move on and get out of the hell I was living in. I was envious, as I always was when it came to Eden, but I was too happy for her to be bitter. “That’s incredible, Eden. I’m truly happy for you.”

  “Thanks,” she said, quietly. No elaboration, no sign that she cared to return the question and inquire how I’d spent the last few years.

  Just when I was about to ask her a few more questions, a loud crash sounded and drew our attention to the bar . . . where Lennox had fallen off his stool and woke up cursing a blue streak.

  “Fuck,” I mumbled, not ready to deal with this, although I’d done it so many times it shouldn’t have concerned me.

  Eden straightened in her chair. Her demeanor shifted from superior to vulnerable right before my eyes. “Guess the party’s over.”

  That was an understatement if I ever heard one.

  Present

  LIES. ALL LIES. I PAINTED a pretty picture, roses and daisies, all to seem something I was not. All to cover up the fact I was withering from this charade. I hadn’t moved on. My life was not peachy. I worked to numb the pain the way Violet and Lennox escaped with their drugs. I loved my job, but I had nothing, no one, to be in love with.

  This entire journey was killing me—seeing Lennox this way; the encounter with William; watching Violet so helpless. I wanted to scream at every turn. Be shaken awake from this nightmare and find myself in my warm bed back in New York. I was one blink away from breaking, and Violet was none the wiser. My composure fooled her. Guess I was a better actress than I realized. But regardless of how put together I seemed to Violet, I knew the truth. My grip on the rope was slackening. I didn’t have much more to hold on to.

  As if the world needed to remind me how unfair it was, a loud crash at the bar prompted my awareness. Lennox collapsed to the floor before my eyes, taking whatever was left of his manhood down with him.

  “Fuck,” Violet cursed, as if this was a normal occurrence she was used to handling. I kept up the façade that none of this bothered me, when in reality my heart was aching.

  “I’m arigh! I’m arigh!” Lennox slurred with his hands waving in the air.

  Violet rushed to his aid and lifted him to a sitting position. “Up ya go,” she sang, embodying a mother caring for a helpless son. I looked on, thankful for the first time it was her and not me. Had I stuck around the way Lennox begged me to, I would not have been able to handle this as graciously and tenderly as Violet was.

  “I’m fine! Get off me.” Lennox hadn’t opened his eyes yet but he was flailing his arms and dismissing a doting Violet. Scraping his limp body across the floor, he found the bar and leaned against it for support.

  What a sight. It was deplorable. It was pathetic. It was heartbreaking.

  The bartender didn’t so much as look in Lennox and Violet’s direction down on the floor, which spoke volumes on how often this sort of thing must’ve happened. The other patrons went on with their day-drinking and dart playing as if a former football hero wasn’t wasting away at their feet.

  My stomach lurched as I absorbed every bit of this nightmare, and tears that had long since dried up when it came to this man who had owned my heart began to shed without avail.

  “Eden?” Violet asked, stunned by my frozen state.

  I couldn’t move my feet to walk closer to them. I couldn’t blink my eyes shut to erase this awful reality. All I could do was cry.

  “Oh, my God, Eden.” Violet was at my side, leaving Lennox in a slumped over blob. “Are you okay?”

  The answer to that was a resounding “no,” but I couldn’t even bring myself to speak the simple syllable.

  “Sit down,” she implored, dragging me to the stool Lennox had involuntarily vacated. “Pete, get her a big glass of water. Hurry.”

  In the time it took the bartender to pour me water and Violet to bring it to my lips, I’d seen enough to haunt me for the rest of my life.

  I stared at Lennox as if doing so would brand the vision to my brain for all of eternity. I had no doubt it would linger there forever. It was too grave a sight to ever forget.

  Even when I left them three years ago, knowing Lennox was already spiraling out of control, there was still a hint of the man I fell in love with beneath the addict. Not now, however. Once burly and beautiful, Lennox was now skin and bones. The clothes that hung from what used to be a muscular physique were dirty and stained. He looked homeless, as though he hadn’t eaten or showered in weeks. How was this the same man I once promised my life to?

  “Edie,” he crooned, drool dripping to his stubble-covered chin. “My Edie is here.”

  A sob wracked through me and I let my head fall into my hands. Limp and defeated, I was done for. “How did this happen? Why?”

  I felt a tentative hand on my back and knew it was Violet. Rather than push her off and force her away, I wanted so badly for her to wrap her arms around me and make this all stop.

  We were wordless for what seemed like hours, both of us knowing we needed the silence to allow the severity to permeate. And oh, did it soak through. It penetrated every bone in my weakened body, straight down to the marrow. This was crazy. Lennox was one drink from death’s door or a jail cell. “How could I have let this happen? I shouldn’t have left. This is all my fault.” I wasn’t sure if I thought the confession to myself or if the words had actually left my lips. Either way, nothing could soothe me but time to process this.

  When my sobs subsided and my water glass was empty, I realized Violet had taken a seat next to me. I could tell by her fidgeting hands and her focus on the colorful line of liquor bottles behind the bar that she was in desperate need of a drink. I almost offered her a way out and ordered the bartender to pour us some tequila, but then Lennox starting vomiting. Right there at my feet.

  “Oh, my God!” I shouted, my breathing still labored from a fit of crying induced hiccups. “Violet, is he okay?” I turned to her but she was already at his side, her hand on his forehead as he emptied his stomach onto the checkered tiles.

  “Get him outside, Violet! The happy hour crowd will be here soon.” Pete didn’t even bother looking over the bar. He continued cleaning a glass with a rag, paying no mind to an ailing Lennox and an overly distraught Violet.

  “He’s sick!” I defended, suddenly worried that the amount of vomit erupting from Lennox was extremely unhealthy.

  “No. He’s drunk. And this is the second time this week. He’s lucky I don’t give him the mop to clean his shit up himself!” I took that as my cue to shut up and help Violet get Lennox up and out of here.

  “Let me help,” I said, bending down and breathing through my mouth so the stench didn’t cause me to also hurl all over the place.

  It didn’t take much manpower for the two of us, both small in stature and weighing no more than one-ten each, to get Lennox to his feet and usher him through the closest exit. He was so frail and bony, not much meat to his once two-twenty build. Comparing the football player Lennox of the past that I loved with all my heart to the drunk and fragile Lennox of the present who was breaking my heart all over again, only brought on more tears.

  “Don’t cry, baby,” Lennox whispered when he caught sight of the gush of sadness spilling down my cheeks.

  I didn’t answer him and I certainly didn’t make eye contact. I was afraid if I looked deep enough I’d recognize that old glimmer of life in his rheumy green eyes. As hard as this was, it was easier to imagine that part of him was gone for good. As long as I kept telling myself he was a stranger, I wouldn’t completely fall apart. He was no longer the love of my life. He was simply a lost soul in need of saving.

  Once we were outside, the warm air was no reprieve, of
fering us nothing to refresh our senses from the staleness of the bar. Lennox’s arms dangled around both my neck and Violet’s as he steadied himself. After he hocked a disgusting loogie across the alleyway we’d wound up in, he unraveled his arms and stood upright as if he hadn’t just been dying in there.

  “I’m okay. Much better. Thank you, girls.” He dug into the pocket of his loose denim and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Another habit I couldn’t believe he’d taken up. But what was nicotine in the grand scheme of things? His bloodstream was already diluted by poison far more threatening than that.

  “Lennox,” Violet started, “we need to talk. Here’s as good a place as any.” She looked at me for approval. I personally thought the alleyway of a dive bar was not a prime spot for convincing Lennox to go to rehab, but who was I to judge? From the look of things, this bar was Lennox’s home away from home. The alleyway was an extension of its familiarity; he’d probably spent plenty of his time passed out against the rank dumpsters and rust covered walls.

  “Not again, Vi. Not now.” Running his hand through greasy overgrown hair, Lennox’s eyes found mine. He smiled, revealing unkempt teeth and a grin that once made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. “I’m so happy you’re here, Edie. I’ve missed you so much.”

  He disregarded Violet’s presence and inched closer to me.

  My first instinct was to back away, but once again the craziness of the situation froze me in place. I couldn’t move as he came closer. I couldn’t breathe as his hand reached out to cup my tear stained cheek. I couldn’t stop my heart from thundering against my ribcage as his deep green eyes bore into mine, summoning nostalgia and anguish and too many other feelings to keep track of. I almost melted right there on the puddled ground, surrendering to this man and telling him I’d do anything to reform him into who he used to be.