Garden of Goodbyes

by Faith Andrews

  Too bad I hadn’t accounted for rain and dark, gray storm clouds. That’s the thing about optimism. Sometimes it clouded your judgment, like rose-colored glasses, and left you vulnerable for reality to blindside the shit out of you.

  “Coast is clear.” Violet gave a thumbs up as she approached the car.

  I got out and slammed my door shut, in hopes of waking Lennox. Seeing it was fruitless, I asked Violet, “What do we do with him?”

  She shrugged, searching for further direction from me. Always the mother; seemed that would never change.

  “Well, we don’t have all night,” I huffed in frustration. “It’s time to wake him up and read him the riot act. That shit back there was a wake-up call, at least for me. The only way Lennox is leaving this house tomorrow morning is on a one-way journey to Turning Point or in a goddamn body bag.”

  “Eden!” Violet scolded me, reminding me again that this was nothing to poke fun at, and that Lennox was indeed a human being. I guess it was hard for me to separate the old from the new, seeing him as a random junkie rather than the man I used to live for.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” I lied. “Let’s get him inside.”

  ONCE INSIDE THE FOUR DECREPIT walls of the house of horrors, I made do with the little I found in the cupboards and brewed an extra strong pot of coffee. We all needed it to sober up, in every sense of the word.

  Lennox sat slouched in his chair at the table, his leg bouncing up and down.

  “You all right?” I dared to ask, handing him a steaming mug of black coffee.

  “What do you think?” He peered at me through bloodshot eyes.

  “You don’t really want to know what I think, Lennox, because what I think will be the hardest pill you’ve ever swallowed.”

  He scratched his head and clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. Was he thirsty, fiending, or just plain bored? I couldn’t tell and I wouldn’t ask because it was clear he wasn’t of sound mind and body, and probably hadn’t been in years.

  Violet reached over to coax him and caress his squirming hands, but thought better of it when she caught me eyeing the exchange. Giving Lennox a side glance that proved how desperate she was to comfort him, she placed her hands in her lap and let out a labored sigh.

  It was clear she wasn’t planning to take control of the situation; it was why I was here, right? So I took a seat at a table I thought I’d never be sitting at again, and chose my words cautiously.

  I’d seen those intervention shows. It didn’t matter how far gone the addict was, if they didn’t admit they needed help, they weren’t going for it. The first step to getting help is admitting there’s a problem. Could I get Lennox to at least fess up to his dilemma?

  I thought about the past. How close we used to be. How fully consumed by each other we were. The memories made me bitter because he abandoned them and me. They made me sad because I missed them and how happy I once was. They also fed me hope and gave me a sense of power that if I played on those memories—on our time together—I might be able to break through.

  “Violet,” I turned to my sister and took a chance at something that might turn everything upside down. “Can I please have some time alone with Lennox?”

  Her wistfulness waned, replaced by suspicion. I wanted to scream that she had nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t put the moves on her man in her absence—not like she had—but I thought better of admitting that out loud because it might be in my best interest to let Lennox think that’s what I was doing.

  Violet blinked, her cheeks reddening and her lips a straight line of irritation. We didn’t have all day and I was starting to get impatient, but I held my cool and mentally begged her to let me do what I was here to do. Trust me, Violet. I know that notion is something you know little about, but trust me for once, goddammit.

  Thankfully, something clicked and Violet excused herself, a pack of cigarettes and a Bic lighter in her hands. “I’ll be upstairs if you need me.” I nodded and watched as she disappeared into cloud of smoke and skepticism.

  When we were alone, I leaned closer to Lennox and sought his attention. After a moment of defiance, emerald orbs lacking the luster of life they once possessed met my tear engulfed gaze. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to stand my ground and show him I meant business, but my reserve was dwindling quickly under the weight of a lost connection that once meant everything to me.

  I closed my eyes then, and willed myself to get with it. I wouldn’t get through this without channeling the anger that once broke me in two. Remembering how utterly destroyed I was to find Lennox and Violet had lied, betrayed and humiliated me, I blurted, “Lennox, you’re going for help whether you like it or not. I shouldn’t care what happens to you or Violet, and maybe deep down I really don’t, but she called and I’m here and I want to wash my hands clean of this. I want to move on. I want everyone to move on. And the only way any of us can live a normal life again is if you get the help you need and clean yourself up.” With more time and less intimidation, I could have prepared something much better than that, but as I didn’t have much to work with . . . I said what came naturally.

  “Fuck, Edie! Fuck!” Lennox broke down right before my eyes. His once powerful body, now withering with misuse, vibrated as he sobbed. I’d never seen him cry when we were together. There was never a reason. We were happy. So fucking happy it was probably sickening to anyone around us. As a couple, we wanted for nothing—the love of the other was all we needed. But the accident changed him. I knew that. I wasn’t too naïve, even back then, to realize that one etch in time, one mistake on the field, one twist of fate meant a whole new world for us. I was prepared to adjust and assimilate. Anything for Lennox. My love. My soul mate. But he didn’t give me time. He took the easy way out and made decisions that wrecked us all on his own. Well, not on his own. He made those decisions with my sister, for Christ’s sake—the only other person who held residence in my heart. And now that they were both missing from it, it was empty. Watching Lennox cry made that hollow hole ache to be full again.

  “Lennox,” I whispered, hoping he would hear me over his whimpers. “Lennox, please listen to me.”

  He didn’t respond. His face remained guarded by his hands, the room filled with sniffles and moans that shattered what remained of my strength. I was one second from joining him and letting the tears break free when the light bulb went off and I knew what I had to do.

  “Lennox, baby,” I altered my voice, conjuring a tone that once flowed off my tongue effortlessly.

  He withdrew his hands and stared back at me, damaged and fragile, but attentive.

  I reached out and touched his face, swiping away the tears that soaked his skin, imagining the salty taste they would leave on my lips if I dared to kiss them away. Longing for a time machine to whisk us back to the days when loved bloomed vibrantly, I sighed with what felt like my last breath. “Will you do it for me, baby? Will you get better for me?”

  My question elicited a gut-wrenching sob from Lennox and he steeled himself by anchoring my hands with his. I didn’t know what or how it happened, but I wound up in his arms, enveloped in the familiarity of his body. We cried into each other and held on to each other. I wanted to die this way and be rid of the pain and sorrow. I wanted too much to wish for. It was futile to be so greedy because getting lost in my thoughts would not erase the reality we lived in.

  Minutes passed and it became too much to bear, so I unclasped his grip from around my neck and searched his eyes for an answer.

  The boy from the past ruptured through everything that had tainted the man of the present and his words fed me with everlasting hope. “I’d do anything for you, Edie. I’ve always loved you and I’ll never stop. Everything I do is for you. This, too. I’ll do it for you.”

  Present

  FOR SAFETY PURPOSES, EDEN CONVINCED me to spend the night with her at the hotel. We left Lennox sleeping, as if leaving him period wasn’t practically intolerable for me. I envisioned how I’
d have to get used to his absence, being as he agreed to rehab. For Eden. But that was neither here nor there. The struggle of the moment was that Lennox was leaving. Which left me . . . where?

  “Penny for your thoughts?” Eden asked, looking over her shoulder from the driver’s side.

  I tapped my throbbing temple with my pointer finger. “These are worth millions,” I joked, pushing said thoughts and my resurfaced jealousy toward my sister far, far away.

  It didn’t matter, though. None of it did. My eavesdropping back home proved what I knew all along.

  I was worthless. I never meant anything to him. I wasn’t Eden. What’s the point in going on?

  Crushed and exhausted, I did my best to hide the voices in my head. We drove the rest of the way to Eden’s hotel in silence, my sister contemplative and me a bundle of harried nerves. If Eden only knew how badly I wanted to spread a line of white powder before me and sniff it till it broke every blood vessel in my nose and then laced each nerve ending in my body. Imagining the sensations of the high soothed the craving—barely—but nothing would ever be as good as the real thing. Fuck, how I long for the real thing right now.

  But it was too bad, so sad, because I had a lot of things to iron out and get under control once the sun came up tomorrow. Lennox was leaving; Denver would come for his money; William would forever be an asshole; Eden still hated me. And where did all that leave me, other than alone and helpless? Again, I had to wonder what the fuck there was to live for.

  We came to a stop, and Eden threw the car in park. “This is it. You ready?” I didn’t know why she asked that. Ready for what? Spending a night in a hotel room? Sleeping under the same roof as my sister? The beginning of the end? What’s it gonna be, E? Why am I here?

  Suddenly overcome with resentment, I felt the need to lash out. “No, if you must know, I’m not ready. There’s nothing to be ready for, Eden. I have no purpose anymore. There’s nothing left. I don’t know why you even brought me here in the first place.” Like, really. Why? She saved Lennox. Did she need to go all superhero on me now? That wasn’t part of the deal. I didn’t need her.

  Only . . . I did.

  “I know this isn’t easy for you, and I really shouldn’t care, but . . . I do.” She stumbled on her words as if she detested admitting this, but I let her continue because I was a woman starved for love and I’d take any crumbs she threw my way. “I couldn’t leave you there with him like that. What if Denver came after him again? What if William returned and—” She paused, but I knew what she was about to say and couldn’t.

  “You can say it, Eden. What if our father returned and what? Beat me? Kicked me? Killed me? Maybe that’s what I want. Maybe that’s why I let him do it! Maybe I pray while he’s hitting me that he’ll knock me so hard I’ll finally go unconscious forever! Ever think about that when you and your friend Joy are laughing over Frappuccinos or clicking your fancy working girl heels around your skyscraper office building?” I was directing my self-loathing at the wrong person yet again, but damn, did it feel good after all these years. Almost as good as getting high.

  “You want to blame me? Go ahead, Violet. If it makes you feel better, blame me for making bad decisions and hurting the people who love you.”

  “People? What people do you speak of, sister dear? Lennox, perhaps? The man I’ve risked my life for, committed crimes for, sold my fucking soul for? Lennox can’t possibly be one of those people, Eden, because he made it very clear tonight that you’ve always owned his heart. So let’s forget him for a moment. You said people as if there’s more than one; maybe you mean Dad? Dear old deadbeat Dad. Funny because nowhere in the history of love has it ever been told that neglect, disgust, or a crippling kick to the ribs equals love. Maybe I’m wrong, though. Maybe I’m mistaken. But look around, E, there is no one. How can I hurt the people who love me when there is not one fucking person who ever loved me in my entire sorry life?”

  “I loved you, Violet! You’re forgetting about me! I loved you with everything I had, both you and Lennox equally.” Tears streamed down her reddened face, a prominent vein in her forehead bulging as her screaming escalated. “Before him it was only me and you, and you forget that I treated you like a precious little doll, carried you around like you were my own, protected and cared for you selflessly and wholeheartedly. I loved you so much I made you a part of every aspect of my life. Even when it wasn’t a good idea because you were too troubled, too caught up in your own head to see what I was doing for you. I gave you a way out when I didn’t have to. I left that hellhole to better myself, but I didn’t leave you behind. I took you with me and the thanks I got for years and years of loving you enough to compensate for everything you were lacking . . . You know the rest, Violet. There’s no need to rehash, but the point is . . . My love wasn’t enough for you. The love you so desperately craved all your life was right under your nose and it wasn’t enough so you threw it away.”

  Heavy breaths crowded the car, along with enough tears to flood the interior and set us floating out of here. I didn’t know how to respond because I hadn’t ever thought of it that way. I was so focused on the negative—and let’s be honest, there was a lot of negative to focus on—and neglected to see Eden was the only person who ever loved me. And I took it for granted. It should have been enough and it should have helped me overcome my demons, but much like everything else in my life, I was fully responsible for fucking that up, too.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally said, hoping she would understand the significance the tiny phrase held. “I’m so sorry for everything. I’d give anything to go back and do it differently.”

  Her body stilled, drained of sobs, and she turned to look at me. Maybe I was crazy—we’d already established that—or maybe my subconscious was making me see things so I had something to hold on to, but there was something different about how she regarded me just then. Something was restored, something from the past; something I never thought I’d see again.

  Eden closed her eyes and blinked away the droplets that clumped her long lashes together. A genuine smile decorated her lips for the first time since she arrived this morning. I savored the warmth that coated my bitter being and cherished having my sister here with me. “There is no going back, but maybe we can find a way to move forward. In time, of course. Just give me time.”

  “HOW DID IT GET SO bad?”

  Sharing the same queen-sized bed, our heads against stiff pillows, staring up at a popcorn ceiling, Eden fired three years’ worth of questions my way. I answered candidly for the most part, telling her what she most likely already knew, but this one left me clueless. How had it gotten so bad?

  “I wish I could tell you, E. It just did.”

  She turned on her side to face me, her hands tucked neatly under her cheek as though this was a slumber party for two giggly girls. “Did he ever hurt you?”

  That was a loaded question. “Physically, no. But he hurt me in many other ways.” Too many to speak about.

  “Why did you stay?”

  “I had nowhere else to go.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “And you keep asking that.” I sat up and leaned against the wooden headboard. “Where was I supposed to go?”

  “You could have called me sooner.”

  I eyed her then, holding back an ill-timed laugh. “Really? Because you would have answered? Do you remember how many times we tried? You ignored all our calls so we showed up at your doorstep and you ignored us then, too.”

  “You were high, and I wasn’t ready!”

  I remembered the wild state Lennox and I were in when we showed up in New York to find her. Just the clothes on our backs, reckless and desperate. We did it more for entertainment than absolution. It was too soon to expect anything constructive to come from it. We had nothing to apologize for because we’d become heartless and selfish, numb by the copious amounts of drugs Lennox kept buying and hoarding and buying and using. Looking back, that visit was an intentional slap in Eden’s f
ace and I would have slammed the door on us the same way she did if I were in her shoes.

  She’d suffered enough over our carelessness, and she needed to know that now. “E, it’s probably better that I never called you. At least you got to live a normal life away from it all. The last three years have felt like an unending prison sentence, punishment for what I did to you. I deserved to deal with it on my own and I’m sorry I dragged you into it now.”

  “I’m not.” Her admission shocked me, literally made my body tighten with a flinch of surprise.

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. I’m glad he’s going for help. As much as I hated the both of you, I thought about you every day. I only ever wanted the best for him; you have to know that. I was there when he was planning for his future and was so excited. He loved the game more than he loved me.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far,” I interrupted. She had to know that wasn’t true.

  She sat up now, too, opposite me, her legs in a pretzel. “No? Why do you think I couldn’t help him right after the accident? He lost the love of his life on the field that day. Sure, he loved me too, but football was his passion—his reason for living. When his career ended, part of him died. A part I couldn’t revive, no matter how much I loved him and promised we’d get through it.” The color faded from her face and she bit her lip before continuing. “I even tried to get pregnant before everything happened. I stopped taking my birth control pills and convinced him to have sex with me while I was ovulating. I thought if I gave him a baby he’d have something else to live for. I clearly wasn’t enough to make him want to get out of bed and face each day.”

  “I didn’t know. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” It wasn’t that I was upset she hadn’t shared her secret. I was hurt she hadn’t shared how helpless she felt. If anyone knew about feeling helpless, it was me. Maybe we could have helped each other a long time ago, avoided so much hurt.