Million Pound Appointments

by Higgins, Malcolm

  "Daughter? There's nine fucking years between you and me, that's all, nine." He shouts.

  "Eh?"

  She has to think, and then realises what Ken's referring to.

  "Oh don't be stupid, it was just nerves not a real laugh. It was only because they're famous."

  Jane doesn't know the age difference has been on Ken's mind recently. Not really a worry, more of a niggle. He often thinks back to the time he first met the eighteen year old Jane. Being a huge Bond fan, he loves Aston Martin cars, and used to go to all the big car shows and just look at Aston Martins, and only at Aston Martins. Jane had all the virtues needed to be one of the show girls that the car manufactures drape over their cars, namely, large breasts, and cock sucking lips. Jane was draped over an Aston Martin V8 Vantage, a particular favourite of Ken's. There was something about the first words she ever spoke to him that drew him to her 'Oi you, you're meant to be looking at the car, not my tits.' Likewise, his first words to her drew her to him 'If I buy that car will you let me fuck you in it?'

  He bought the car. You can guess the rest.

  "I can't believe I've got a wife who treats me like shit, in public."

  "Public?"

  "The only one who does as they're told around here is Craig, and I don't even like him."

  Larry gives Jane a 'Just leave it' mime. Ken sits down on the steps. Jane sits next to him and mouths sorry to him, even though she doesn't feel she's done anything wrong. Larry comes over and sits on the steps too. Another awkward silence deafens them all.

  "Nine." Says Ken.

  "Ken, shut up about the age difference will you, it doesn't bother me, never has and never will, and anyway, they say you're as old as the woman you feel." She jokes trying to lift the mood.

  "We could have a baby if you like."

  "What?" She shouts as she jumps up.

  She's always wanted to have a baby, but Ken always said no.

  "A baby? Where the hell has that come from?"

  "Just a thought, that's all."

  "That's fucking all?" she says slapping Ken around the head with both hands whilst shouting…

  "I've wanted a baby for half of my life and you wait until I'm thirty-six to say we can?"

  Ken grabs her hands. He's not going to fight back. He's in the wrong and he knows it.

  "Mum was forty when she had me."

  Ken's mobile phone rings. Tubular bells - Mike Oldfield. He takes it out of his pocket, and looks at the screen which reads 'Tommy Tit' Tommy Rae is calling him. He rejects the call and puts it back into his pocket.

  "Come with me." She demands.

  "Come where?" Asks Ken.

  "Before you change your mind you're having sex with me right here right now."

  Knowing it's more than likely, than not likely to happen, Larry gets up.

  "I'll give that a miss if that's ok." Larry says walking away.

  "What do you mean right here right now? We can't do it right here right now. We've got guests woman."

  She drags him by the arm, pulls him into the garden, goes behind a large tree, lifts her skirt up, and takes her knickers completely off. She turns around, holds the tree, and lifts her bottom up and arches her back.

  "If you're serious Ken. Show me."

  "Well you won't get pregnant now, you're on the pill woman. And I think the gardener's in today."

  "Just get on with it Ken, and make sure it's a boy."

  "A boy?"

  "Yeah. I want a boy."

  She turns and faces Ken. She's sincere.

  "Wouldn't you like a little boy Ken? A little Kenny of our own?"

  Ken looks at her. The world stops for a few seconds. He thinks about it. He would.

  Jane returns to the tree. The sight of her in that pose has had its desired effect, and he unzips his trousers and beings to have sex with her.

  "From now on we're having sex on the hour every hour until I'm pregnant."

  "Ok. But it might not happen straight away."

  "You let me worry about that."

  "And anyway, I don't know if an old man like me can manage on the hour every hour." He jokes.

  "Shut up and fuck."

  "Fucking hell you could charm the birds out of the trees with pillow talk like that."

  "Get on with it."

  Ninety-six seconds later… he's got on with it.

  "Leave it in there for a minute." She demands.

  "Eh?"

  "I want your sperm inside me not all over the grass."

  "I don't know if I can."

  "Just for a minute, that's all."

  "But it's already going floppy."

  She reaches down with one hand, picks her knickers off the grass, crunches them up into a ball.

  "What are you doing now? Can I pull out yet? It's going to fall out on its own anyway."

  "Take these." She says handing her knickers to Ken. "And when you pull out shove them up me."

  Larry has had to come up to the tree to inform Ken that there's a little problem to deal with. Apart from Jane's hands on each side of the trunk, he can't actually see either of them, but, he did catch the last part of their conversation, so decides to walk backwards to restart the approach to the tree. He hears Jane scream ouch then starts to walk towards the tree.

  "Ken?" Larry says at the tree.

  Jane comes out from behind the tree wriggling.

  "What?" Shouts Ken.

  Larry doesn't really have to say anything. Ken knows there's a problem because it's written all over his face. Larry nods over to the stairs by the glass doors. Noz looks like he's just had a Botox shower. He's standing straighter. The whites of his eyes that have been permanently discoloured by alcohol abuse, are now white again. His skin looks firm and taut.

  Craig helps Karen step out of the glass doors. She looks tired and listless. Noz runs over to her pushing Craig out of the way.

  "Well?" shouts Noz.

  Ken looks at Rajeev and Amir. It takes a second or two before they realise Ken wants them to answer Noz's well?

  "Ken what have you done to me. I feel terrible." Says a very weak Karen.

  Rajeev quickly talks to Amir. Noz is becoming extremely concerned for Karen, and has to physically hold her up. Rajeev comes down the steps and over to Ken.

  "He's not sure what's happened." Whispers Rajeev to Ken. "He said that sometimes the effect might take a day or two."

  "Fine" Shouts Noz, surprising both Ken and Rajeev that he could hear Rajeev's explanation from that distance. "If it works in a day or two, you'll get your money."

  Tubular Bells rings out on Ken's mobile again. Tommy Rae is after his money and wants to arrange to collect it. Ken lets it ring, and it will keep ringing until either Tommy Rae hangs up, or, Ken answers. It won't go to voicemail. Criminals don't activate the voicemail function on their mobiles… you talk face to face, or mobile to mobile, or, you don't talk at all.

  "Oh no you don't." Shouts Ken. "It's worked for you."

  "You come to our place in a couple of days, and if it's worked for both of us, then I might just might, pay you."

  Tubular Bells is hitting home.

  "No. You'll pay me now." Threatens Ken.

  The newly established boss-thug bond means Ken can just look at Craig, and he knows that the 'Not yet, you can have him later' time, has come. Craig is about to let his fist smash into the side of Noz's head, when Noz touches something in his ear.

  "We're ready to go boys." Says Noz.

  A black hummer speeds into the garden. Five men in military uniform leave the hummer by the back doors. Three of them point rifles at Ken Craig and Larry, and two others walk over to Karen and Noz and help her down the steps and into the vehicle. It leaves at great speed. Ken's phone is still ringing. He takes the mobile phone and throws it on the grass, walks over to Craig who instinctively knows Ken wants the gun. Craig takes it out from behind his back and hands it to him. He walks back to the phone and shoots it three times, then turns and takes aim at the hummer. A sn
iper in a hidden position takes the gun out of Ken's hand with a single shot.

  "Well I think that went really well Ken don't you?" Shouts Jane sarcastically. "Cars speeding around the garden, bullets flying everywhere. Great place to bring a kid up."

  Chapter 12.

  Tommy Rae and his entourage are enjoying a day at the races. Tommy Rae takes his mobile phone away from his ear, looks at the screen, sighs, and shakes his head no to Daz. Two drunken members of the entourage do a limp wrist gesture to each other, mocking Tommy Rae. Neither realise that Daz has witnessed it. Tommy Rae's sexuality does sometimes get called in for questioning, but this should only ever be done if you're locked in a dungeon a mile underground, or, sitting in a hot air balloon a mile or two high in the sky, not in front of Daz. It's true Tommy Rae does have a strong feminine side to his nature, and his sexual penchant for young men is well known but never spoken about. It's amazing how many young men will happily let Tommy Rae have penetrative sex with them, they almost regard it as an honour. Daz on the other hand doesn't have a feminine side, but does like his penis being sucked. When you've spent as much time in prison as he has, then it doesn't really matter if it's a six foot tall blonde woman you've met at a bar, or a petrified twenty year old young man doing six months for car theft, or a five foot four crime lord; it still feels the same. Daz frog-marches the pair of them into a public lavatory. The three patrons inside, all simultaneously sense the air of menace and hurriedly finish their ablutions and leave.

  "Fight each other." He tells them.

  "Eh?" They both answer.

  "You heard. Fight each other."

  "Why Daz?"

  "I saw you both taking the piss out of Mr. Rae."

  They both have a look of dread on their faces.

  "It was just a stupid joke Daz." Says the least drunk one. "I couldn't fight to save my life at the moment. I must have the best part of three bottles of champers in me."

  Daz takes his jacket off and calmly removes his diamond cufflinks, placing them on the wash basin. The two drunken fools look at each other and know that they're not getting out of this. Daz rolls up his shirt sleeves, takes a rubber gum shield from his jacket, puts it in his mouth, and pushes a knuckle-duster down the fingers of each hand.

  "You fight each other, or you fight me."

  These two fools have seen Daz in action plenty of times in the NCP car parks, and there's no way they're fighting him, not today, not any day. So the less inebriated one takes the opportunity to land a sly punch to the other ones face. The fight is on. Daz throws one of the knuckle dusters to the man that took the punch to the face and he quickly puts it on and fights back. Daz spurs them on, living every punch and every kick being thrown with glee. Members of the public enter the lavatory, see the blood-spattered vicious fight, and hightail it out of there. Daz throws the other knuckle-duster to the same man already wearing the first one. Daz likes to see blood and a proper beating, and the man just using his bare fists is being cut to pieces at the moment, and eventually falls to the ground unconscious. Daz has thoroughly enjoyed the fight and genuinely claps the winner, then knocks him out with a single punch. He removes the knuckle-dusters from the man's hands, washes the blood off them in the sink, dries them both under the hot air blower. Their punishment over, Daz drags them across the floor putting their heads together and 'waters' them.

  Ken isn't sure the Millburn's are going to pay him. It's been three days, and nothing. Ken has been forced to sit and wait, because although Noz can now do one arm press ups, Karen is still feeling rather weak. Fearing Noz may never call, Ken has had to get in touch with Marcus again who has sent him a new client. An English grandiose actor. Larry is handing him a cup of tea.

  "It's rather a lot of money dear boy." The actor says to Ken.

  The actor's voice has been grating on Ken, ever since and including.. 'Hello'.

  "Not really the answer I'm looking for." Says Ken. "So let's work on it shall we? You're a dirty little poof bastard that's gone and got himself a dirty little poof bastard disease." Ken isn't mincing his words here. The actor nearly chokes on his tea. "One million pounds. Say yes or crawl away and die. I've Googled you, and trust me, you can afford it."

  "But what about a cover story? There is no cure. Yes there are treatments and management programmes, but no cure. How would I explain it to people?"

  Larry knows Ken is about to explode.

  "There's no rush Ken, let the man have his tea and think about it for a while."

  Ken half-heartedly backs off. The actor looks at Larry.

  "It'll really work?"

  Larry gives him a friendly reassuring nod.

  "It might come back though if you keep putting things in your mouth you have no fucking business putting in there in the first place you dirty fucker." Says Ken.

  Larry shakes his head at Ken's homophobic rhetoric, and gives the actor an apologetic smile.

  "It'll be fine. I promise." Smiles Larry.

  The actor takes a sip of tea. Much too noisily for Ken's taste, and then another sip. To Ken's ears, he's hearing a herd of elephants drinking from a muddy riverbed. The actor has made up his mind and places the cup daintily down on the saucer.

  "Let's do it, why not." He says to Ken who was about to kick the cup and saucer off the actors lap. The Actor has an afterthought… "Oh, will it hurt?" He asks.

  Ken covers his nose and mouth with a cotton handkerchief, and leans down and sticks his face into the actors face.

  "Probably not as much as having cocks rammed up your fucking arsehole. No."

  Larry loses it.

  "Ken for Christ sake." He shouts. "This is one of our finest stage, screen, and television actors. You can't speak to him like that."

  "Thank you dear boy." The actor says to Larry.

  "Oh just take him to Ant and Dec will you."

  Larry asks the actor to stand up and follow him to Rajeev and Amir's room. Ken wraps the handkerchief around his hand and grabs the actor by the arm.

  "That cup you've been drinking out of, that's yours now. Take it with you dear boy. God knows what we all might catch from it."

  "You really are the most repulsive man I've ever had the misfortune to encounter." Says the actor.

  Ken assigns different ring tones to different people. Tommy Rae (Tubular Bells) Larry (The Laughing Frog) Jane (The Omen) Craig (Bonkers) Karen Millburn (The National Anthem) The Actor is about to continue to tell Ken what he thinks of him, when God Save the Queen coming from Ken's pocket puts him off. Ken nods to Larry to get the actor out of there. Ken's just hoping it's going to be good news. Although for a second or two, he thinks it could be Noz calling to say Karen's dead and watch out for the snipers. He answers the phone.

  "Hello." He listens, and a big grin slowly appears on his face. "I'm on my way."

  Looking young and healthy, Karen sits on a sun-bed having suntan lotion applied to her arms and shoulders by a huge muscular guy. Noz is motionless next to her sunbathing. He's aware Ken is walking towards him, but he's not about to acknowledge him. Jacob the Butler, in full uniform, escorts Ken Larry and Amir into the garden. Amir has come along because Karen's ninety year old mother has always liked the muscular guy, and hopes he'll change his mind, if Amir can work his magic on her. Karen thinks he's here for her mother's arthritis.

  "A mister, mind your own fucking business to see you madam." Announces Jacob, impressing Ken with his little dig. Ken looks at him.

  "You've grown a pair… about time… slave."

  "Leave it Ken." Says Larry.

  Karen smiles and hands Ken a cheque, and he instantly feels the weight of Tommy Rae and Daz float from his back. It often gets discussed in criminal circles who would win a fight between Daz and Ken, but until it happens nobody will ever know. It isn't really something you'd want to witness though. It would be a messy affair to say the least. Neither of them would give up, it would probably take one of them dying during the fight for the other one to give in.

  "It worke
d then?" Ken says to Karen. "I told you it would didn't I?"

  "Why don't you join us Ken, have a glass of alcohol free bubbly?"

  The Millburn's have been dry for three years. It just came to the point where watching themselves on videos doing things they can't remember doing. Reading things they had reportedly said in various autobiographies that they couldn't remember saying. Not being able to drive a car because you're constantly banned from doing so due to drink, all became too much; so they just stopped.

  "Ooh, alcohol free bubbly my favourite." Mocks Ken. "But I've got to see a man about a horse."

  "It's a dog, you oaf, 'I've got to see a man about a dog' not a horse." Shouts Noz thinking he's right, and at any other time he would be. Ken begins to walk away. A champagne cork pops and just misses his head. He turns around to see Jacob pouring glasses of champagne.

  "Oh sit down for five minutes Ken and raise a glass to the wonderful Amir." Says Karen.

  Noz doesn't want Ken sitting down.

  "Don't waste our bubbly on that slob."

  Ken steps forward. The muscular guy stands up and positions himself between Ken and Noz. Ken calmly pulls a gun from his jacket.

  "Unless you're bullet-proof darling." Ken says to the muscular guy. "I'd keep rubbing that oil-of-old-lady in if I were you."

  Someone clears their throat behind Ken. He looks at a smiling Noz, and then slowly turns around. Jacob is behind him now with four snarling Rottweiler's on leads. Two in each hand.

  "These are not family pets sir. They are working dogs. Security dogs. I suspect you'll be able to shoot two of them before they reach you, sir, but four?" Says Jacob smugly.

  Ken smiles and just snorts through his nose at Jacob.

  "Oh I'm not going to shoot the dogs. I like dogs. Ask madam there."

  Karen's eyes suddenly widen as she remembers Daisy's ordeal. The smug look on Jacob's face is replaced by a look of uncertainty, shortly followed by a look of shock, quickly followed by a look of pain, as Ken shoots him in the chest. He falls to the ground making the dogs run off yelping. Karen and Noz spit their drinks high into the air. Ken calmly walks away. Larry quickly runs Amir over to Jacob whilst holding up a reassuring hand to Karen and Noz.