Million Pound Appointments

by Higgins, Malcolm

  "Wake dopey bollocks up." He says.

  Ken walks towards the house. Larry goes over to Craig and slaps him on the cheeks.

  "Fuck. What happened?" Craig murmurs as he comes round.

  "Someone hit you over the head with a gnome."

  Craig notices Ken walking over to the house.

  "It was him wasn't it? What the fuck did he do that for?"

  "I will kill you, I will kill you all." Shouts Amir.

  "Oh yeah, I remember now." Says Craig.

  Rajeev unsuccessfully tries to put his hand over Amir's mouth, but he knows he's fighting a losing battle. Ken comes back and walks menacingly towards Rajeev.

  "Rather than give him a good kicking like doctor silly bollocks over there, you do this..." Shouts Ken.

  Craig knows the 'doctor silly bollocks' comment refers to him and whispers to Larry.

  "I can't remember the last time someone paid me a compliment around here."

  Ken raises a gun and shoots Rajeev in both shoulders and then both legs. He falls to the ground screaming. Ken grabs Amir and pins him up against a tree.

  "It's you I need, not your brother, behave yourself or I'll cut his head clean off and boil it, and I doubt even you could repair that."

  Amir has a half-smile on his face and trouble in his eyes. Ken lets him go. He walks the same menacing walk towards Larry.

  "This is exactly why I didn't want them out of their fucking room." Ken shouts. "But you kept on and on at me, didn't you? 'it'll be alright Ken, it'll be alright, all they're going to do is have a little walk, me and Craig will be there, it'll be fine Ken' Well it's not fucking fine is it?" He looks over at Rajeev on the floor. "Get them out of my sight." He screams at Larry.

  With their heads down, Larry and Craig walk over to Rajeev. Craig is pushing his luck by whispering to Larry, instead of doing what he's been told to do.

  "What gnome was it? Was it that fucker on the mushroom? I hate that one, smiling evil little bastard. I bet it was wasn't it. You wait till I see it."

  Craig hates that particular gnome. When he takes a short cut across the grass drunk from an evening of poker and drinking with his friends, the gnome sitting on the mushroom also holds a fishing rod in his hands. That fishing rod, trips Craig up every time, and every time he gets up, brushes himself down and smashes the gnome into pieces, and throws them in the bushes. But time after time it returns, it always returns, and that's why he thinks its evil. Of course it isn't evil. Ken's gardener; old Jerry, has a brother who lives in Cork Ireland; young Jerry. Young Jerry makes gnomes, but struggles to sell them these days, and to ship one over to Ken costs £81.60. So when old Jerry finds another one smashed in the undergrowth, he sees it as a way of helping young Jerry; a sign from God if you like. £81.60 a fortnight isn't to be sneezed at in Ireland at the moment.

  Larry and Craig aren't sure how to pick Rajeev up.

  "We'll have to get him a doctor boss, look at all the blood." Says Craig.

  Ken's still angry, but has to agree with Craig because Rajeev is losing a lot of blood; four bullets can do that to a man. He turns to Larry who still doesn't want to make eye contact with him. He knows there are still two bullets in that gun.

  "Larry, call Gus." Says Ken.

  "Gus? The Vet?" Says a surprised Larry.

  "Yeah Gus the Vet. You got a problem with that?"

  "No."

  He has, but it'll keep.

  "Can I ask this Gus fella to have a look at me while he's here boss? Only I've got a high pitched ringing in my ears; or can everyone hear that?"

  Ken walks off towards the house.

  "Yeah good idea, get him to trim your hooves while he's here too."

  "Another fucking compliment. Great." Says Craig.

  Larry can't believe how stupid Craig is being. A fraction louder and Ken would have heard that.

  "You are so pushing your luck. You're going to get overheard one of these days." Says Larry.

  Ken stops, turns, and walks back towards them both.

  "Don't think you've got away with this." Ken says in Larry's face. "Because you haven't. I just don't know how I'm going to make you pay for it yet." Larry and his syndrome both keep their mouths closed. "You're meant to be looking after them. Silly bollocks over there kicking him in the head, isn't looking after them in my books." Ken holds out the gun and Larry thinks he is going to shoot him. "Put this back in the safe." Larry sighs with relief; he isn't going to shoot him after all. As Larry reaches for the gun, Ken pulls the trigger shooting Larry through the hand. He falls to the ground.

  "Payment accepted. Have a nice day." Ken says as he walks over to Amir and punches him very hard in the side of the ribs. He doubles over.

  "You're English is coming along nicely isn't it, well done. Oh and by the way, that's called a kidney punch. A. Kid. Nee. Punch."

  As Ken walks away he doesn't see Amir straighten up and smile. Craig looks at Larry rolled up in pain on the floor. Rajeev bleeding to death on his back. Amir smiling away to himself after being punched in the ribs.

  "All I wanted was a few pints and a game of poker." He says to himself."

  Chapter 15.

  Tommy Rae is sitting to the side of the desk, watching Daz cut a circular hole in the icing on the side of Jane's cake with a small knife. Something he's watched him do many times before. He removes the thick icing and the marzipan circle away from the cake, and puts it in his mouth.

  "Hmmm." He murmurs.

  Daz drops his trousers and starts arousing himself. When he's fully erect he moves forward and inserts his penis into the cake, gently thrusting back and forth. The icing has just enough elasticity in it to accommodate his rather thick penis without destroying the cake.

  "Ohhh there's jam." Says Tommy "I can see jam on your cock." He says all excitedly. "That's enough that's enough."

  Daz pulls out of the cake, faces Tommy Rae who leans forward and licks and sucks Daz's penis clean of cake ingredients.

  "Hmmm, now that's a good cake." Says Tommy Rae.

  Daz can do without the cream jam and cake all over his penis, but in his mind, and always with his eyes closed, a blow job is a blow job.

  "Push it back in push it back in." Insists Tommy; and the process is repeated until another hole is needed, because the first hole is coming up empty. By the time the fourth hole is spent, Daz is about ready to ejaculate. When this happens Tommy Rae always ushers Daz out of the room, and what he does with the cake is anybody's guess. But the only remnants ever found of any of the cakes, is the icing and the marzipan, both of which Tommy Rae hates, but he understands that they are both vital ingredients. Daz is a big man, and a simple Sponge, Battenberg, Madeira, or Bakewell Tart would just disintegrate; even if you leave them in their wrapper or box.

  Gus, the Veterinarian. Rural-type (65) is in the kitchen with Ken and Jane washing his bloodied hands and surgical instruments.

  "Luckily, all four bullets missed the key blood vessels; god knows how." Says Gus.

  "I bet you never thought you'd ever hear yourself say that sentence." Jane laughs.

  "You forget my dear. I've been here before." Says Gus.

  Two years ago Ken was throwing a gun party, which is similar to an Anne Summers Party, but without the frilly knickers, dildo's, and lubricants. During the evening a box of loaded guns were accidently nudged by an elbow and fell to the floor, and when that happens, you really do need to be wearing bullet proof jackets. Unfortunately, that night nobody was, and six people got injured and needed patching up. As the guns on sale were all illegal firearms, the walking wounded couldn't really just stroll into the local A&E, sit down next to the kid with the high temperature. The builder that fell off his ladder. The doughnut eating fat man with chest pains, or the drunk with a split eye and a broken nose; questions might have been asked. One of the walking wounded knew of an ex-surgeon that had been struck off for serious misconduct. The ex-surgeon had retrained as a Veterinarian, and the offer of £12.000 cash to sort the six of them out
was just too enticing for him to turn down. Ken was lucky that night; he just ended up with 'whiskey on the rocks' being spat in his face due to the fact he was talking to Jake Roberts who took a .22 bullet in the back.

  "What about poor old Larry?" Jane asks Gus.

  "Fuck poor old Larry." Shouts Ken.

  "He really should go to hospital Kenneth. He could lose the use of that hand." Says Gus.

  "Good. It'll stop him picking his nose and scratching his arse." Says Ken. "And did you sort that smart-mouth Craig out like I told you to?"

  "You didn't shoot him as well Ken did you?" Asks Jane, hoping Ken did, after over hearing him and Larry in the garden earlier. Ken doesn't answer.

  "Did you sort him out or not?" Ken asks Gus, referring to Craig.

  Gus hesitates for a second.

  "I administered two Kenneth." He answers.

  "Two? I said three."

  "Three what?" Asks a curious Jane.

  "But three could possibly kill the man Kenneth."

  "Three what?" Jane insists.

  Gus nods over at Ken and pulls a 'He made me do it' face to Jane.

  "Worming tablets. Horse worming tablets." Gus explains to Jane.

  "Oh Ken you didn't. She tries not to laugh. "What will they do to him Gus?"

  "Who gives a flying fig?" Shouts Ken. "He deserves it."

  "Well I can tell you what one does to a horse; I dread to think what two will do to a man."

  "Fuck him." Says Ken. "I thought he was going to be different but he's not. He's only been here five minutes but walks around like he owns the place."

  "Sack him then." Says Jane. "Heavies are ten a penny."

  Jane's comment takes Ken by surprise. She's never interfered with his choice of staff before, and he's never interfered with her choice of staff. Ken only half means what he said about Craig; yes its true heavies are ten a penny, but good heavies aren't. Ken knows that eventually Craig will turn out good; he reminds him of himself. A bit pushy, but pushy in Ken's world, means eager, keen, enthusiastic, raring to go, impatient, all first-class traits for a right hand thug. Craig just needs to be put in his place every now and then.

  "Do you reckon?" Asks Ken.

  "Yeah, I don't really like him. I've caught him looking at me a couple of times."

  And with that, Jane starts a new game, but Ken's not allowed to be in this one. She has to play it just right. Drawing on all her years of marriage to Ken, and the knowledge she's acquired of him, and how he reacts to certain things.

  "What do you mean look at you?"

  She knew he'd emphasize the 'look'.

  "Well how do you think I mean?"

  "I don't know, why don't you tell me."

  She also knew he'd emphasize the 'you' She's playing this game well.

  "Just looks at me. You know. Like that?"

  "Like what?" He shouts.

  "Like he'd like to fuck me or something."

  "Oh, would he now?" Shouts Ken.

  Gus is feeling awkward and wouldn't mind leaving.

  "I might be wrong." She says, "But I don't think I am."

  "You better be fucking wrong." He threatens.

  She has him cornered, and he hasn't got a clue.

  "Oi, don't you blame me." She shouts, as she gives Ken a hard push making him almost lose his footing. "I haven't done anything to encourage it. I've been with you for half my bloody life."

  She also knows that by swearing and being physical with Ken in front of Gus, Ken will believe her, and the game will almost be won. She knows what Ken's thinking right now, he's thinking, 'Jane would never act like that in company, unless she was telling the truth.'

  "I've not so much as glanced at another man, ever, and I never will. You say sorry to me right now." She whacks him hard on the top of his arm. "And you better fucking mean it too."

  And the Oscar for best actress goes to… Jane Elizabeth Webster.

  "All right all right, I'm sorry." Says Ken …and he means it too.

  "Do you mind if I go now Kenneth." Asks Gus.

  "Yeah fuck off." Ken snaps for being interrupted; he then corrects himself. "Sorry Gus, yeah of course you can go."

  He pays Gus with cash; a big wad of paper money. Gus doesn't know how much is there, and he isn't about to start counting it, and he certainly won't be declaring it to the taxman either. He leaves the kitchen. Ken and Jane look at each other. Ken feels horrible for upsetting her; of course she didn't do anything to encourage Craig's ogling.

  "I suppose you want me to fuck you now." He says.

  "No. I don't actually."

  "I thought you wanted to make babies."

  "I do, but not with you, a man that doesn't trust me."

  "Of course I trust you."

  "I can't believe you said that, and in front of Gus, he must think I'm a right old slapper."

  "Eh? Of course he doesn't."

  "Do you think I would have said anything if I thought you'd blame me?"

  "You're blowing this out of proportion. I don't blame you, honest. I'm really sorry."

  "Yes you did."

  "I was surprised that's all."

  "And you threatened me."

  "No I didn't, I'd…"

  "You said, 'You better be fucking wrong' I can't believe you'd raise your hand to me in front of Gus."

  "Huh? I'd never do…"

  "I can't help it if this Craig, or whatever his bloody name is, lives in a dream world and fantasizes about me, can I?"

  "No. I know that. I did say I'm sorry, and I am."

  Jane doesn't just want the Oscar, oh no, she wants to be entered into 'The Hall of Fame' too. Ken stands there hoping she'll throw him a crumb of comfort, put him out of his misery. He needs to change the subject; this one is tying him up in knots. He looks at his watch.

  "You said on the hour every hour, we've missed two hours, and its eight minutes past the third."

  "All I need is your sperm, that's all; can you do it without touching me?"

  "I can't touch you?"

  "No you can't, pig."

  She takes her knickers off and bends over the table.

  "Just your cock. Keep your disbelieving suspicious grubby little hands to yourself."

  If Craig ever shoots his mouth off to anyone other than Larry, and it gets back to Ken, he wouldn't believe it in a million years now. She smiles to herself. She's done a good job on him.

  Jane wants to play another game now, and Ken can play this time, but she'll make him suffer a little longer, just to reaffirm her guilty innocence. He enters her, and tries thrusting in and out, but finds it awkward has he has to keep his hands out by his sides. After a couple of minutes, and just before he was going to say 'I've got to stop, this is doing my back in.'

  Jane shouts.

  "Well smack my arse then man."

  Ken gasps; she's thrown him a crumb; and he's a hungry boy.

  "Oh I'll smack it all right. I'm gonna draw blood woman."

  "But I meant every word Ken."

  He knows she did, even though she didn't, and he grabs her hips and thrusts in and out of her properly whilst smacking her bottom hard.

  Chapter 16.

  Larry and Craig are in the bathroom. Larry is looking at his blood soaked bandage hand. Craig is sitting on the toilet with his trousers around his ankles making terrible gastric noises.

  "Oh man, listen to those farts. I've got the mother of all squirts."

  Larry wants to ignore him, but decides that being shot in the hand is a bigger whinging subject than diarrhoea.

  "You haven't got a fucking hole in your hand though have you?" He shouts.

  "Oh don't start on me misery guts." Craig says as more horrid noises leave his body. "That's the last time I see a fucking vet." He puts on a 'Gus' silly voice. "These painkillers might upset your stomach a little' the man knows nothing, fuck all, I'm telling you."

  Craig is just seconds away from what Gus describes to his agricultural clientele as, 'A proper clear out' usually followed by
'I'd stand well back if I were you.'

  "I'm gonna shit out a lung in a minute." Aches Craig.

  Larry's stopped listening to him and looks at himself in the mirror.

  "I suppose I should be grateful really, being shot in the hand, he could have shot me in the head."

  "Oh I'd love to be shot in the head right now." Says Craig, as his spine suddenly arches of its own volition and the 'Proper clear out' comes to pass. "Fucking hell." He screams. "I only had ringing in the ears. I'm gonna die. Killed by a fucking vet."

  Larry has had enough, and just wants out of there.

  "I doubt we could all be that lucky." He says. "Sounds like you'll be getting piles though."

  He opens the door just as Jane was about to walk in.

  "Oh there you are; you ok Larry love? How's the hand?"

  "Its got a fucking hole in it, how do you think it is?"

  Larry physically pushes her out of his way which takes her by complete surprise, he's never laid a hand on her before. He walks away.

  "Well why don't you get the Indians to look at it?" She calls after him. He keeps walking. She enters the bathroom not knowing that Craig is sitting on the toilet with his trousers and pants around his ankles.

  "Are piles those things that hang out your arse?" He asks her, making her jump.

  She looks at him sitting there.

  "So, you've fucked your boss's wife have you?"

  "Huh?"

  "And not bad for an old bird?" She says through angry gritted teeth.

  She might not have hands as big as Ken's, but she knows how to make a fist with the ones she has, and punches Craig square in the face.

  "Ouch." He screams. "What the fuck was that for?"

  Jane then becomes conscious of the awful smell and puts her hand over her nose and mouth.

  "Jesus, you reek you stinking pig." She runs out of the bathroom gagging.

  "Great. I reek. I'm Doctor Silly Bollocks. I'm a Stinking Pig. I'm a fucking punch bag. Roll up roll up come and give Craig a punch, he won't mind"

  Jane comes back and quickly closes the door to keep Craig and his odours away from the rest of her house.

  "Oh, and mind you don't trip over my hoof clippings." He says as his spine prepares to spasm for a second time.