There was no getting around Livvy Hudson. She knew and understood Jenna through and through.
Sighing, Jenna took a long drink of her orange juice. Then she said, “I did a lousy thing.”
Livvy kept her focus on Jenna, never flinching. She’d pulled her hair back into a tight ponytail, snapping on a Scrunchie. The intense look in Livvy’s green eyes got Jen’s attention.
“I’m a pastor’s daughter. I should know better,” Jenna said softly.
“Doesn’t make you perfect, does it?”
“But still . . .” Jenna sighed. She really didn’t want to tell Livvy what was on her mind. But knowing Livvy the way she did, she hardly had a choice.
“I think deep down you want to tell me, Jenna. C’mon, you know you can trust me.”
Sure she could. Jenna knew that. But . . .
“Is this about your hang-up . . . you know, over your size?”
“Maybe.”
Livvy leaned closer, nearly in her face. “Or is this about Nels, the new spotter for your team?”
Jenna thought about the peculiar dream. She remembered the way she’d deceived Nels on purpose. She thought about tiny Lara Swenson passing up Cassie Peterson in height, all in a few short weeks.
“I’m a rotten person, that’s all,” she said at last.
Livvy was shaking her head. “You’re what?”
“You heard me. I’m rotten—I lied.”
“Who to?”
“Nels Ansgar.”
Livvy’s eyes were blinking nearly out of control. “Well, since you’ve confessed, maybe you could explain.”
“There’s nothing more to say. I just did a dumb thing.”
“So . . . apologize to him, why don’t you?”
She was silent. What would Nels think if she said she was sorry? He might want to know the truth.
“Jenna?” Livvy reached to touch her hand. “What’s wrong?”
“I wish I knew,” she blurted out, tears welling up.
“Maybe you should talk to someone,” Livvy said, glancing around.
Feeling worse than ever, Jenna nodded her head. “Sure, I know who I can talk to. Besides you, Liv.”
“Who?”
Jenna whispered, “My mom. She’ll know what to do.”
Livvy withdrew her hand. She looked hurt.
“Don’t misunderstand, Liv. I just need to ask Mom something.”
“Okay,” Livvy said, “but if you get things figured out, will you let me know?”
Jenna smiled. What a great friend she had in Livvy. “I’ll think about it,” she teased.
“You better!” Livvy gathered up the trash from both trays and waved to her. “We’ve got ballet class in ten minutes.”
“I’ll catch up with you.” She drank the rest of her juice and picked at her whole-grain toast. The bike dream loomed in her mind. Just then Lara floated past Jenna’s table.
From where Jenna sat, Lara seemed to have grown another two inches or more overnight. This was too much!
She groaned and hurried out the door without speaking to Lara or anyone else. There was a public telephone in the lobby of the sports center, if she hurried, she could call home and have a quick chat before the first session of the day.
Mom won’t think I’m silly, she thought. She’ll be glad I called.
* * *
Dad answered on the first ring. “Your mother’s busy with Jonathan,” he said. “Shall I call her to the phone?”
“No, Daddy, just tell her I was checking in.”
“Having a great time?” he asked.
She told him about the national team coach. “Ever hear of Sandy Williamson?”
“Male or female?” Dad asked.
“Sandy’s a man, and he’s one terrific coach.”
“I’m sure if Coach Kim chose him for this camp, you’re in excellent hands.” Dad had lots of confidence in Coach Kim and Tasya. He had interviewed them extensively before enrolling Jenna.
“Okay, well, I’ve got to hurry off to ballet now. Tell Mom I called.”
“Sure will.”
“Love you both.”
“We love you, kiddo.”
Kiddo.
The word rang in her head like a bell. She couldn’t seem to shake free of it.
First Lara, then the dream. Now this!
Better Than Best
Chapter Nine
Saturday afternoon, April 8
Dear Diary,
I almost didn’t bring my journal to sports camp, but now I’m glad I did. To start off the day, Livvy gave me an earful about what I ought to do. She knows me as well as if she were my sister, I think.
I told Livvy the truth, that I lied to Nels. But something’s keeping me from wanting to apologize. And I backed out and couldn’t ask Dad to get Mom on the phone.
What’s my problem?
Why am I so focused on what I’m not (tall) more than WHO I am (a first-rate gymnast)? Why can’t I stop playing games with myself?
All my Girls Only friends know something’s bugging me. Cassie and Lara, too. If I could just get my head screwed on, I could work this out.
Oh, I almost forgot. Nels ate lunch at my table at noon. I’m trying not to let him distract me. It’s hard because he’s always hanging around.
Ballet is very cool. Natalie Johnston’s here, working with a group of us. Some of the gymnasts haven’t had as much ballet background as I do. I’m glad Mom and Dad got me started early. Ballet makes me a better gymnast.
I’m supposed to be resting, but I feel so jittery. Now I better hide this or my girl friends will know too much about me.
I might read this diary years from now and think that what I’m going to write next is weird. But I don’t care—I really miss my cat, Sasha. She’s such a prissy creature, but I relate to her very precise movements. The way she walks across the windowsill is so poised and graceful. I think she has the same perfection hang-ups I do.
Thirty minutes till floor-exercise training! I wonder if Nels will start to see through my lie. . . .
* * *
The pressure was on.
Coach Williamson, the national team coach, gave specific comments after watching each of the teams warm up and perform. Jenna craved excellence and wanted to learn all she could from both coaches. Tasya, who was always nearby, especially at the uneven bars or the balance beam, made helpful corrections or whispered, “Perfection is within your reach . . . today.”
Extra striving would go a long way toward testing to a higher level a few weeks from now. Jenna knew that well. Eventually, she hoped to win gold medals. Olympic gold. Being able to follow through and really deliver during the most intense pressure made one athlete stand out from another.
She wanted today to make a difference. She was determined to do whatever it took to get noticed by the national team coach.
All across the gym, there were younger girls—boys’ teams, too—working out. Colorful images of leotards soared here and there. The atmosphere was charged with emotional electricity.
Cassie was in a strange mood, though, and Jenna wondered why she seemed overly confident. A good trait to have, true. But this was very different from Cassie’s usual attitude. “I adore this leotard,” she said, pulling on the tight-fitting white sleeve. “I always do super well when I’m wearing it.”
“Sounds superstitious,” said Jenna.
“Maybe to you, but it’s not really. I just like the feel of it—the way it fits me. I have my red-and-white one that’s exactly like this,” she said, still stroking her arm.
“Did you bring the other one along for tomorrow?”
Cassie grinned. “You bet I did.”
Jenna watched Cassie work through some of the difficult skills in her floor exercise. Then it was her turn. She was glad because waiting around sometimes made her body stiff, like it was freezing up.
Be sure to wow the coaches, Jenna told herself. Knock their socks off!
She prepared to take her stance on the dia
gonal point of the carpet. While she paced, Coach Kim and Tasya called out encouragement. “Point your toes! Reach! Focus on perfection! Okay! You can do it!”
“Looking good, Jen!” Cassie called from the sidelines.
Jenna wished Cassie, and Lara, too, wouldn’t call out to her once she got this close to her performance. It was one thing for Coach and Tasya to pump her up, but somehow she resented the same from her teammates.
Except for her sudden feeling of resentment toward Cassie, Jenna felt totally confident. She was going to impress all of them. Again!
She was absolutely certain she could perform every single trick. After months of training, the skills would come easily. Like breathing.
Coach Kim picked up on her mood, cheering her on even more. “Be your best, Jenna! Show your stuff! Okay!” All the while, he clapped his big hands, grinning and nodding.
Better than best, she thought. Show off really big today. Go, girl!
As soon as the music began—a medley of songs from Miss Saigon—she was really into her routine. She and Coach Kim had listened to dozens of musical renditions of Broadway show tunes. Everything from Music Man to Phantom of the Opera. But during the first hearing of the assortment of songs, Jenna knew she’d found what she was looking for.
Her routine began with a sequence of dances, choreographed flawlessly to the music. The program was only eighty seconds long. During that time, every shade and emotion in the music was translated into leg and arm movements. Even her neck and head were involved. Every muscle strained to respond, as she had drilled repeatedly hundreds and hundreds of times. Second nature by now. No problem.
The dance shifted seamlessly into a tumbling pass. Jenna loved to fly from one end of the carpet to the other, using saltos and front full twists, roundoffs and front walkovers. Spinning and turning was everything. She was glad there were four more required acrobatic passes in her program.
Unexpectedly, on the second tumbling pass, one foot stepped off the mat. She lost her height and distance on the third pass. Sloppy—the most despised word in a gymnast’s vocabulary!
From then on, her scope and distance were way off. With things falling apart, it was no wonder her landing was less than perfect. She fumbled and nearly forgot to salute at the end.
Disappointed, she wanted to crawl under the carpet. Coach Kim and Tasya were right there, consoling her, encouraging her to try harder. “You’ll do better next time.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Nels. He hadn’t been her spotter this program. She hadn’t needed one. Not for safety purposes, at least.
Looking away, she hid her emotions. She couldn’t bear for him to see her frustration. Angry at her performance, yes, but upset about more than that.
Nels probably believed her lie for sure now.
She was convinced of one thing. Her lousy performance was her own fault. She’d set herself up for it.
Better Than Best
Chapter Ten
Cassie was next. She, too, was scheduled for the floor exercise. Flaxen hair pulled back in her trademark knot, Cassie stood tall like a model. Long, slender legs, tiny waist, and square shoulders. The perfect stance.
Jenna gritted her teeth, standing on the sidelines. She ought to be rooting for her teammate, but she couldn’t make herself cheer or call out upbeat remarks. Instead, she stood a few feet from the padded carpet, close to the spot where she’d stepped off, ruining her floor exercise. Where a whole string of problems, one after another, had begun.
Oh, how she had wanted to impress the coaches! Desperately, she had. But she’d not succeeded in getting positive attention for her skills, especially from her teammates. Worst of all, she had been sloppy.
She felt miserable—angry at herself. Sure, she’d flubbed big time. But worse than that, she’d twisted things around to Nels Ansgar. And he’d liked her!
Cassie, erect and poised, saluted Coach Kim and Coach Williamson for practice. She began working through her program beautifully. The strains of violin music filled the gymnasium as Cassie ironed all the small things and nailed everything else.
I have a choice each day about how I will react to what happens to me, Jenna thought as she watched. But she was still ticked off about her routine, how she’d completely bombed.
She struggled emotionally over Cassie’s solid performance. Everything was going so well for her teammate. Jenna was actually discouraged that Cassie was doing so well. Not the best thing for the team mentality. For the team captain!
They’d strived so hard on their individual work, competing against one another for weeks before camp. Now it was hard to be a close-knit team.
Think sisters, Coach would often say.
For Jenna, team sisterhood was vanishing fast. Uppermost in her mind, as she watched Cassie perform, was being the best gymnast at camp. Nothing else—and no one else—-mattered.
* * *
Lara Swenson—the growth gland—was up next, after Cassie. Jenna noticed the overeager look in Lara’s eyes. Until a few weeks ago, Lara had been the infant of the team. Smaller than all the others, she had a pleasant personality and winning smile. Lara had passed them up in height, but she was trying her best to put forth a team effort.
She’s going to do well, too. Just like Cassie, Jenna thought, clenching her fists.
Angry tears blurred her eyes. She could scarcely see through the haze as Lara finished out her floor routine, ending it with a perfect “stick” landing.
Everyone was cheering and calling, “Lara . . . Lara. You did it! You’re the best.”
No, I’m the best! Jenna pondered the words so hard, she nearly blurted them out loud.
Better Than Best
Chapter Eleven
During a snack break, Cassie caught up with Jenna. “I’ve never seen you perform so—”
“Badly?” Jenna interrupted.
“Uh, well, I guess you could say that.” Cassie reached for a large bottle of apple juice. “So . . . what was wrong on the floor?” she asked.
“I’m having a lousy day. Isn’t that what Coach always tells us?” She wanted to run away and nibble on her healthy snacks somewhere alone. But she stayed, letting Cassie pummel her with questions.
“Was your timing off? Did you anticipate what went wrong?”
“Look, do we really have to talk about this?”
Cassie pushed her bangs back and let them fall forward again. “You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” There was fury in her voice. “I didn’t do anything, Jen.”
“Whatever.” Jenna got up and went to the water fountain. When she returned to the table, Lara and two other girls from the All-Around Team had sat down.
“What happened during your floor exercise?” Lara asked immediately.
“Everyone has an ‘off’ afternoon once in a while, right?” she shot back.
Lara and Cassie exchanged puzzled looks. The other girls did the same to each other. “That’s not like you,” Lara said softly. “You’re always so . . . well, confident. You never excuse yourself for a bad performance.”
“Nothing’s changed,” she muttered back.
“That’s not what Nels thinks,” Cassie retorted.
“Keep him out of this.” She felt the anger clench her throat muscles.
Cassie’s eyes were wide with astonishment. “He can’t stop talking about the floor exercise you performed back at AAG. He said you were the best young woman gymnast he’d seen.”
Young woman?
“That was then,” she replied.
“Was your concentration off?” Cassie pushed.
“Look, I need some space, okay?” Jenna said. Lara and Cassie exchanged scornful looks.
Lara spoke up. “Something’s very weird here. If you ask me, I think there’s too much competition going on.”
“It’s called jealousy,” Cassie added.
“Nobody asked you,” Jenna shot back.
“Jealousy makes people do wild and crazy things,” Cassie jeered. Loudly, she bit
into her celery stick. “I’m with Lara on this. You’re envious of your own team members, Jenna. That makes no sense.”
Jenna felt she was losing it. She wouldn’t sit here for another second. “Who asked either of you?”
Getting up, she marched straight for the exit without looking back. They can’t talk that way to their team captain! she decided.
But Lara was calling after her. “What’s happening, Jenna? Where are you going?”
Where was she going athletically . . . emotionally?
She didn’t want to think about it. She didn’t care anymore. Being the best was her only focus. It was more important than certain team members’ petty feelings. More important than a guy spotter getting wrong information about her.
She had to be the best. At sports camp weekends. At Junior Nationals—when and if she made it. At anything connected with her gymnastics dreams and goals.
Rushing back to the dorm, she threw herself across her bunk, sobbing. What had made her mess up today?
No answers came.
She could only cry, not caring if she missed her next session. Ballet with Natalie Johnston could wait.
Livvy burst into the room. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Are you sick . . . hurt, what?”
“I’m freaking out.”
Livvy waited for her to blow her nose and wash up. “I think it’s time we had a long talk.”
Jenna muttered, “Me too.”
“But there’s no time,” Livvy said, glancing at the wall clock. “Rythmic ballet starts in three minutes.” She smiled, brushing her hair into a ponytail. “And maybe that’s a good thing.”
Jenna sighed. “What do you mean?”
“Read my lips . . . ballet.”
Jenna stared at the mirror. She saw a petite, bleary-eyed gymnast. “I think I know what you’re trying to say.”
“Fierce competition can do you in. You need a change of scenery.”
“You said it,” Jenna agreed. “So let’s have some fun!”
Livvy laughed, and Jenna followed her out of the dorm. The sun was twinkling over the tops of the tallest Ponderosa pine trees she’d ever seen. She tried not to think about their size.
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