Asking for a Friend

by Andi Osho

  Jemima’s heart pounded. Chance evaporated from her thoughts as she watched them like an unexploded firework. Just then Shaheena and Meagan gasped, pointing over at Jemima. Her knees buckled.

  ‘Anyway, Chance, lovely to see you,’ she prattled as Meagan advanced.

  Jemima scurried over to meet her in the middle of the room.

  ‘Everything okay?’ Jemima asked, voice quivering.

  ‘Who was that?’ said Meagan.

  ‘Who?’ said Jemima doing a terrible job of pretending.

  ‘The hottie you were just chatting with,’ said Meagan turning Jemima’s face towards Chance.

  Jemima shook her head free. ‘He’s the, a… he’s the medic. In case of emergencies. Soooo, what have you and Shaheena been talking about?’ Jemima asked feigning ease.

  ‘Jeeez,’ said Meagan rolling her eyes, ‘she was carping on about your writing process. No offence. I’ll eat the sausage but don’t show me how it’s made, d’ya get me?’

  Jemima’s shoulders dropped two inches.

  ‘You look stressed as fuck, mate. Your agent’s gone. Come get a shot from that sculpture thing. And quick before Simi drinks straight from it and gets her lips stuck to the ice,’ said Meagan dragging Jemima back to the luge.

  Once there, Jemima thrust a glass under the sculpture and the bartender threw a shot of vodka down its icy shoot. She closed her eyes as the liquid burned coldly in her throat.

  ‘Better?’ said Meagan.

  Jemima popped her eyes open. The girls were staring at her.

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, remembering to smile. ‘More importantly, how are you two? Everything cool?’

  ‘Cool and the gang, baby,’ Meagan said linking arms with Simi.

  ‘Sim?’ asked Jemima.

  ‘Brill!’ Simi said grinning hard.

  Jemima scrutinised her face. Something was off. Though they’d got their friendship back on track, it was evident Simi was still going ahead with Operation: New Agent and Meagan didn’t know. Jemima tensed. That had a blast radius she would stay well clear of.

  ‘I was thinking,’ said Simi surveying the party guests, ‘there are loads of quality guys. Like-minded, successful and hopefully single. We haven’t played the game for ages. Let’s do it here!’

  Jemima’s breath caught. ‘But you said you wanted to take a break from guys,’ she stammered.

  ‘I can’t keep up with you, Sim.’ Meagan laughed.

  ‘After tonight, Jem, definitely,’ said Simi, her attention on the men in the room.

  ‘But it’s a works do,’ Jemima pleaded.

  Just then, the music ramped up several decibels, the lights dipped and a huge neon sign saying ‘DISCO’, began to flash above a black-and-white dance floor.

  ‘Not anymore it’s not,’ said Meagan as she teased Jemima with a Saturday Night Fever pose.

  ‘Come on!’ said Simi tottering off in search of prey, with Meagan trailing behind.

  Jemima’s feet felt nailed to the floor. Now the book was finished the pressing matter for her was not the game but confessing her actions.

  ‘Come on, Jeminator. If there’s one place we’ll find someone who matches you, it’s in a hall chocker with book dorks,’ prodded Meagan.

  ‘Yeah, plus we’ve got new intel now about what we feel you need,’ said Simi.

  Jemima still couldn’t move.

  ‘I can sense it, Jem,’ Simi whispered. ‘The one that will make you stand still, is here.’

  Simi grinned before shimmying towards the dance floor.

  ‘Chill, Jem. It’s a party!’ Meagan winked as she followed Simi, grabbing Jemima to complete their train.

  Perhaps this was penance for all she’d done, Jemima sighed as she trailed behind them, a down payment on their forgiveness.

  ‘I know exactly who I want you to pick for me,’ said Simi swivelling playfully towards the girls.

  Jemima tracked Simi’s gaze through the crowd and came to a grinding halt. She was looking directly at Chance.

  ‘You’re not allowed to choose your own date,’ Jemima flustered.

  ‘Maybe we should start trusting Simi to know her own mind. That’s what I just agreed, right, Sims?’ said Meagan flopping her arm around Simi.

  ‘Well it’s a work-in-progress but yeah. I’ve got a feeling about him and I need a good man to practise my boundaries with.’

  ‘You can’t,’ Jemima said stepping in front of Simi and blocking her view. ‘He’s married.’

  ‘How do you know?’ Simi asked looking past Jemima.

  ‘Because I… read his book,’ Jemima lied. ‘Hey, guess what they’ve got in the other room? Rocking horses!’

  Simi skirted around Jemima to take a better look at Chance.

  ‘You said he was a medic,’ Meagan interjected.

  Jemima opened and closed her mouth.

  ‘I know your game,’ Meagan said pointing an accusatory finger.

  The back of Jemima’s neck went cold. How did Meagan know what she had only recently acknowledged for herself, that she had feelings for Chance?

  ‘You don’t want us showing you up in front of your fancy literary chums but look around you. You’re the most uptight person here,’ said Meagan waving in the general direction of the party goers. ‘Don’t worry, Sim. I’ll talk to him before this one comes up with another excuse.’

  And with that, Meagan tipsily trotted over to Chance.

  ‘Yipppeee!’ said Simi applauding.

  Jemima, a helpless bystander, witnessed the scene unfold like a car skidding across black ice. Meagan approached Chance effortlessly striking up a conversation. Jemima cringed as he looked over, his eyes piercing her, his expression dejected. Finally, after an epoch, Chance’s gaze shifted to Simi. He waved politely to her but the moment his eye caught Jemima, his smile collapsed. Jemima’s heart plummeted – this was unbearable.

  ‘I think he has a girlfriend,’ Jemima said, turning to Simi.

  ‘Married, single. Which is it, Jem? You must be thinking of someone else. Besides, he doesn’t look the cheating type,’ Simi said.

  ‘And you can tell?’ Jemima hissed in quiet desperation.

  Simi glared at Jemima who recoiled. That was an awful thing to say and she knew it.

  ‘What I meant was… was…’ she stammered.

  Simi straightened her dress, hiding her hurt.

  ‘If he had a special someone, don’t you think she’d be here?’ said Simi.

  Jemima went to speak but the words got trapped in her throat as Meagan brought Chance over for an introduction.

  ‘There was a woman. Red hair. Angry looking. They kissed!’ Jemima gabbled but it didn’t matter.

  Simi wasn’t listening. Her eyes were on Chance and as he approached, she let out a tiny squeal. Jemima had no choice. She had to disappear. She raced to concoct an excuse. Meagan and Chance were feet away but she was still tethered down.

  ‘Jeeeeeeeeeeeeehmmmm!’

  Jemima span on her heels as Eve advanced, open armed, a tall champagne flute in one hand and vape pen in the other.

  ‘Daaaaaahling!’ said Eve as she air-kissed Jemima four times.

  Jemima had never been so relieved and delighted to see Eve in her life.

  ‘Sorry. Gotta go,’ Jemima said to Simi as she peeled away, thanking the universe for its impeccable timing.

  ‘My dear girl, I cannot tell you how happy the team are with your final draft,’ said Eve raising her champagne glass to Jemima.

  Jemima beamed. These were words she never thought she’d hear but had longed to for months. She wanted to cry.

  ‘Well? Don’t leave me hanging,’ laughed Eve.

  ‘Sorry!’ Jemima effused, clinking glasses.

  ‘Beverly has some guffaw-out-loud lines and that whole stalker backstory, maaaaasterstroke,’ said Eve puffing out a cloud of strawberry-scented mist.

  Jemima’s eyes darted over to Meagan and Simi who were still within hearing distance. She had yet to formulate a plan for her confession but the
girls overhearing like this was not an option.

  ‘And that whole married-man history and the life plan,’ said Eve. ‘She’s such a loon but I loooove Beverly. Genius, Jem. Genius.’

  ‘Wow, thanks Eve,’ said Jemima, trying to walk her away from the others.

  This was high praise, but also high risk, discussing the book with Simi and Meagan so close by.

  ‘This decor, huh? It’s amazing,’ Jemima said, changing the subject.

  ‘You likey?’ said Eve proudly.

  ‘I love it. The flowers and cherubs. Very… Grecian,’ said Jemima as she peered over at Simi and Chance who were deep in conversation.

  How was any of this happening? Was this night punishment for the wicked deed she’d done?

  ‘Grecian? Ha! You silly sausage,’ shrieked Eve. ‘They’re not lilies, they’re labia! The cherubs are babies being born. You’re in The Cave.’

  Jemima’s eyes darted back and forth. The pink tones everywhere were not subtle and delicate as she’d first thought but cervical.

  ‘This room is the interior of a womb,’ said Eve sweeping her arms in all directions, ‘and the corrugated tunnel at the entrance is—’

  Jemima gulped. ‘A vagina?’

  ‘That’s right!’ said Eve pleased with herself. ‘Guess what the ice sculpture is?’

  Jemima looked over at where her and the girls had been drinking shots from moments before and laughed drily. ‘It’s a clitoris.’

  ‘Yes! It’s a ginormous, icy clit!’ laughed Eve.

  Jemima forced a grin. Thank God she hadn’t drunk the Bloody Mary earlier.

  ‘We wanted it to be low key. Nothing offensive. Never know, next year, it could be you! BTW, have you seen the ball pits? They’re in the shape of ovaries and the balls are eggs! It’s so much fun!’ Eve said as she grabbed Jemima, dragging her towards an adjacent hall.

  Jemima slowed, glancing back at Chance as Simi spoke animatedly to him.

  ‘Come on!’ said Eve tugging at Jemima’s jacket sleeve.

  Jemima turned away, allowing Eve to lead her.

  Eve wove through the hallway crowd greeting various guests with air-kisses and promises of lunch.

  ‘Oh, I haven’t seen that rascal for ages. You must meet him,’ said Eve, waggling a finger at a man across from them. ‘He sells screen rights and could help get a TV deal for Beverly. I’ll bring him over!’

  Jemima looked, faltering for a moment.

  ‘Come here, you!’ Eve called across the hallway. ‘Milesy, there’s someone I want you to meet.’

  Chapter 36

  Meagan

  Meagan glared at Jemima and Miles from the doorway. Half an hour earlier, she’d stepped off the dance floor for a pee break and on her way she’d caught a glimpse of them chatting together in a bar across the hallway. Since then, she hadn’t been able to peel her eyes off them. As far as she knew Jemima and Miles hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since their break-up yet here they were gassing like old friends. Was this just a chance encounter? With all Miles’s industry connections, crossing paths at some point was bound to happen. However, what Meagan could not and would not stand for was him socialising with Jemima as though nothing had happened. And why, Meagan thought, was Jemima giving this waste of skin the time of day? Weeks before she was cowering under a table at the mere mention of his name. Meagan’s anger began to simmer, why do people never learn? Simi’s life was like the scratched record of a terrible heartbreak song and here was Jemima, drinking and laughing with the man who had driven rough shod over her heart then reversed back for good measure. Meagan was not having it. If she had to, she would go over and separate them. So what if it annoyed Jemima? That’s what tough love looked like. One of them had to have their wits about them and as usual, it was Meagan. Just then she felt a body nestle up beside her.

  ‘Whatcha doin’?’ said Simi with a broad smile.

  Meagan turned to see Simi who looked like the cat that hadn’t just got the cream but bought the dairy. She rolled her eyes. Love fools, every one of them.

  ‘I’m waiting,’ she said taking her attention back to Jemima and Miles.

  Simi started dancing on the spot, ‘Aren’t you going to ask me about him?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Chance.’ Simi grinned.

  ‘What chance?’

  ‘Silly,’ said Simi nudging her, ‘you just hooked me up with him. And may I say, brava.’

  ‘His name is Chance?’

  ‘Short for Chancellor,’ said Simi excitedly, ‘and I think it’s a sign. Remember when Jemima said the word break came up when she communed with my aura. I thought it meant a break from guys but a break is also an opportunity or a chhhh…’

  Simi’s words withered as she followed Meagan’s gaze across the bar.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Yeah – oh,’ said Meagan. ‘He’s got exactly three minutes to walk away or I’m going in.’

  Without looking she clicked her fingers and a waiter scuttled over to replace her empty glass.

  ‘It looks like she’s having a nice time,’ offered Simi.

  Meagan tutted. Cocktails had clouded Simi’s memory. She’d clearly forgotten Jemima’s post-Miles devastation, one that dwarfed even Simi’s recent pain.

  ‘This bloke is shit on shit’s shoes. If shit were wearing shoes, Miles would be the crap shit stepped in and said, “oh no, I’ve stepped in shit”. That’s how shit he is.’

  ‘That’s a little strong.’

  Vesuvian rumblings brewed inside Meagan. Simi was about to get covered in lava and only had herself to blame.

  ‘Have you forgotten what she was like when they split up?’ said Meagan.

  ‘I… I have not,’ said Simi.

  ‘And the things she wanted to do to herself?’

  ‘But Meag—’

  ‘And how, for three weeks, we couldn’t leave her alone?’

  ‘Of course, I remember! But maybe she wants this… I think they’ve been talking – on the phone.’

  Simi’s words lingered like a bad fart.

  ‘What?’ Meagan seethed, volcanic tremors rising.

  ‘I mean, I think so. I’m not sure. It could have been British Gas. Her boiler’s been on the blink and the water sometimes runs cold when I’m in the shower. Actually, maybe she’s got the kitchen tap on. You can never be sure, can you? Plus—’

  ‘She’s been talking to him?’

  ‘Well anyway, let’s find you a date!’ said Simi shifting to return to the other hall.

  Meagan yanked Simi back.

  ‘I knew she was up to something. Since when?’ said Meagan ignoring Simi’s pained grimace.

  ‘Just leave it,’ snapped Simi pulling her arm back. ‘She’s a grown woman making her own decisions.’

  Meagan steadied herself. Simi normally crumbled under interrogation.

  ‘We both are,’ said Simi appearing to amass confidence, ‘and it’s not your place to interfere. Earlier you said you were going to butt out. So please, do as you promised because I don’t know about Jem but I’ve had enough!’

  ‘Really?’ said Meagan preparing to bury Simi so deep that in years to come, archaeologists would add her petrified body to the People of Pompeii exhibition.

  Meagan had bitten her tongue too many times and frankly, she’d had enough of that.

  ‘You need me, Simi. You couldn’t decide your way out of a one way street. You use tarot cards to choose your breakfast!’

  ‘I trust the cards more than I trust you,’ Simi spat back.

  ‘Is it?’ said Meagan popping her neck. ‘If it weren’t for me, do you realise how many more failed relationships you would have, how many fewer acting jobs you would have landed? You can’t even take a decent headshot without someone holding your hand.’

  ‘Acting jobs? You and your insane notes have lost me at least the last two I’ve gone for.’

  Meagan could take just about anything but criticising her efforts was the rawest betrayal of all. Yes, being an actin
g agent was harder than she’d anticipated but she’d given Simi a lifeline when no one else would. To have that flung in her face wounded bitterly.

  ‘Well maybe you should find yourself another agent who knows what to do with your “talents”!’ said Meagan viciously waving air quotes at Simi.

  ‘Maybe I will,’ Simi said, flouncing off towards the cloakroom.

  Meagan watched as Simi shook on her coat and stomped down the vaginal tunnel and out into the street. The space where she had been quickly filled with party goers who zipped to and fro laughing and chatting together. Meagan went to move but was unsure where to go. In the side bar, Jemima and Miles were still engrossed in conversation, oblivious to her presence. Shaheena was enjoying a school-disco style snog behind the cloakroom and Simi was, by now, probably writing wedding vows for her marriage to Risk or Gamble or whatever that guy’s name was. All at once, Meagan felt so alone.

  Chapter 37

  Simi

  ‘Jem,’ Simi called down the hall.

  There was no reply. Jemima was out and the flat was empty. Simi puffed her cheeks, relieved. She had barely seen Jemima since the party three nights ago but given all that had happened, maybe it was best. Her date with Chance had finally arrived and she just wanted to focus on that. Her tummy fluttered at the thought of him. He was her best date of the game so far. And to think, if she’d taken that break from men, she’d have missed out on this kind, almost-doctor with the gorgeous smile who was fit as.

  He was so wonderful Simi decided she was not even going to sleep with him. She wasn’t going to do what she had done with Mo because this was not a sprint. Besides, someone as lovely as Chance would not be in a rush. He was a good person. Simi could tell from little things like how lovely he had been to her friends, well, Meagan. Jemina had run away before they’d been introduced which was kind of rude – and strange. At the weekend, Jemima had toasted to Simi finding the man of her dreams yet the second someone materialised, Jemima hadn’t wanted to know. Was she only happy when all three of them were as terminally single as her? Perhaps that’s why she’d told Simi to take a break! And why she’d turned to Miles. It was out of a fear she’d be the last to meet someone. That could also explain the strange stuff she’d said about Chance having a girlfriend or a wife. Sabotage! Maybe Meagan was right all along about Jemima being up to something.