He’s dressed in the same faded jeans and black v-neck as before, only now an LSU baseball cap sits low on his forehead, casting a dark shadow over his eyes as he moves toward me. I can feel each step he takes, feel the air around me thicken the closer he gets. By the time he stops directly in front of me, I feel like I’m seconds away from succumbing to the weight of it all.
“I didn’t think you’d come out,” he admits, voice low.
“I’m not sure why I did.” My voice shakes slightly. “What do you want, Sebastian?”
I finally meet his gaze, and what I see there has a year full of agony rushing to the surface. Every sleepless night, every painful day, every single tear I cried hits me all at once. One look and I’m reliving every single moment of the hell I’ve endured over the past year. And something about the look in his eyes tells me I wasn’t alone in that hell like I assumed I was.
“I don’t know.” He shuffles his feet, looking downward like he’s not sure what to say. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Sebastian Baxter look unsure of himself. “I just—fuck, I don’t know, Tess. This was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to come home, show up for my cousin’s wedding, and then slip back out like I was never here. I didn’t expect to see you, and I sure as hell wasn’t prepared for how I would feel when I did.”
“I’m sorry I screwed up your plans,” I say bitterly, his words cutting right through me. It only confirms what I think I’ve known all along; he never had any plans to come back for me.
“It’s not like that, Tess.” He sighs, adjusting the ball cap on his head before shoving his hands into his pockets, his gaze finally meeting mine again.
“No? Then what’s it like, Sebastian? Because from where I’m standing that’s exactly how it looks,” I bite, anger lacing my voice.
If he came here just to ruin this night like he’s ruined so many other things, I swear I’ll never forgive him. He can’t keep doing this to me.
“I’m just trying to say that when I saw you it reaffirmed everything I’ve been trying to convince myself wasn’t true for the last year.”
“Which is what?”
“That I’m still in love with you.” It leaves his mouth in a rush, and instantly I can feel tears stinging the back of my eyes.
“As if there was a doubt that you didn’t?” I choke out. “Clearly we have very different views of this relationship because not loving you versus loving you was never even a thought that crossed my mind. Because I do love you. I love you as much as I did the day you left. And the fact that you’re standing here telling me that you had convinced yourself that you didn’t love me anymore speaks volumes, Sebastian.”
“That’s not what I meant. Nothing is coming out right.” I can tell he’s frustrated with himself, and yet he still can’t seem to do anything but dig himself further into the hole he’s currently burying himself in.
“Then perhaps you should’ve just let things be instead of showing up here in the middle of prom to tell me that you don’t love me anymore.” I swipe angrily at a tear that skates down my cheek. “You took away this experience last year, and now you’ve come back to finish the job. Why? Because you don’t want me to be happy?”
“I do want you to be happy,” he objects.
“Then you shouldn’t have come here.”
“I know. I know, okay?” His voice goes up a notch, and I can tell he’s starting to lose his temper. “And I don’t know why I couldn’t just fucking stay away. But I just couldn’t. Because I do still love you, Tess. Fuck, I love you so much it’s fucking killing me.”
“And it took seeing me on a date with someone else for you to reach this epiphany?” I stand strong even though everything inside of me wants to embrace what he just said.
“Of course not,” he scoffs.
“Then what? What it is, Sebastian?” I square my shoulders in an effort to exert a strength I’m not sure I even possess. “It’s been a year.” My voice breaks, but I quickly recover. “A year, Sebastian! You leave me with promises that this isn’t forever and then you disappear from my life without so much as a goodbye, and then a full year passes before I hear from you. And even then it’s only because we ran into each other. How long would it have been if we hadn’t, Sebastian, huh? How long would I have gone on not hearing from you? Another year? Two? Ten? Did you ever plan on calling me, texting me, just checking in on me in general? Did I mean so little to you?”
“You mean everything to me, Tess!” This seems to be his last straw, and the words rip from his throat with a desperation I’ve never heard from him before. “You still do. Everything. I’ve spent the last year trying to convince myself that I didn’t love you anymore because admitting to myself that I do, and I let you go, was just too painful. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was living. But then I saw you and suddenly this fog lifted, and I realized that nothing had been right since the day I left. Not one fucking thing.”
“Sebastian.” I lose my battle, tears falling down my cheeks in quick succession one after the other.
“I didn’t come here to hurt you, Tess.” He steps into me, pulling me against his chest.
My anger evaporates so quickly it’s like it was never there at all. I instantly melt into his embrace, breathing in his scent like it’s the first time I’m smelling it.
“I came here because I just needed you to know that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything,” He continues.
“I’m sorry, too.” I tighten my arms around his middle, realizing that memories have nothing on the real thing.
“I tried to stop myself from coming. I swear I did. But I knew if I didn’t come that I’d regret it.”
I don’t dare look up at him, knowing I’d probably drown in emotion if I did. Instead, I savor the moment—the feeling of his arms around me—knowing there’s no place I’d rather be than right here.
“Dance with me?” He finally speaks again after a long moment of silence. Sliding his hand under my chin he forces my face upward before taking my arms and wrapping them around his neck as he pulls my body flush with his.
“Here?” I question, looking around to see if there’s anyone else around.
Given that the entrance to the dance is on the other side of the school, it’s unlikely many people will have a reason to come back here, but the thought still makes me feel vulnerable and on display.
“Right here.” He guides my head to lay against his chest and then slowly starts swaying to the music so far in the distance that I can’t even make out what song it is.
Honestly, it doesn’t much matter. We could be slow dancing to the most upbeat song in the world, and it wouldn’t make a difference right now. Because this, being with Sebastian—feeling his heart pound against my cheek and his hand pressed to the small of my back—it’s all I can see, feel, and hear. It’s just him, just like it’s always been.
I cry into his shirt, letting go of the emotion that has been bottled up so deep inside of me that I’ve let it consume me for the past year. I let go of the hurt and the fear and just let myself live in this one moment.
Because I know it’s the only moment I’ll get.
What is happening right now, no matter how intense, doesn’t change the fact that nothing has actually changed. He’s still going back to Louisiana, and I’m weeks away from moving into the city. If he didn’t think we could make it work before, why would he think we can now?
I don’t know how much time passes, how many songs flitter around us as we stand outside, arms wrapped around each other like we’re both afraid to let go. At some point, we stop moving all together and go from dancing to just holding each other.
And while I wish I could hold onto this moment forever—bottle it up and never ever leave—like every moment before it this one passes too, and eventually we’re left to face the reality that we have to let go. We have to let the world back in. We have to let go of the moment and let it become just another memory like all the other moments we’ve shared.
>
I’m the first to break the connection, letting my arms fall as I take a full step back and then another, needing to put a little distance between us.
Like he can sense me pulling away, more than just physically, Sebastian reaches for me, but I’ve already stepped far enough out of his grasp that he can’t. Rather than moving, he stays rooted to the spot, like he understands this is just what I need.
“I can’t do this anymore, Tess. I need you. I need you in my life. I need you in my arms. I feel like I’m dying a little more each day that I’m not with you. I know I said it couldn’t work. I know I gave you a hundred reasons why ending us was the best thing for us. I was trying to put someone else’s needs above my own for the first time in my life, and all it’s done is backfire right in my face. If it’s this hard to stay away from you then maybe staying away from you was never the right thing.”
“Stop.” It’s the only word I can manage to push past the knot in my throat. “Stop,” I repeat, knowing that if he keeps going I’ll never be able to say no, and saying no is exactly what I need to do right now.
Had you asked me this morning if I were faced with the option to have Sebastian back what my answer would have been, I would have said yes—in an instant with absolutely zero hesitation. Because being with him is all I’ve thought about for nearly a year. Being with him is all that has ever felt right.
But Sebastian didn’t walk away from me because he didn’t love me or some part of him didn’t want to be with me—I can see that now more than ever. He walked away because he knew if he didn’t that I would follow him. That I would give up everything and everyone to be with him. And he also knew that eventually, I would probably resent him for it.
These are all things he said to me nearly a year ago, and for some reason, it’s only now that I seem to be listening.
“We can’t.” I finally muster the courage to admit it out loud and by the look on his face, he knew it was coming but I can still see it hurts.
Hell, it hurts me, too. Resisting Sebastian is like going against my very nature—like ripping my soul in two pieces, one that will never leave Sebastian and the other that knows it can’t go with him.
“I know it won’t be easy, but…” he starts.
“We can’t, Sebastian. You live in Louisiana, and I’m moving to New York in a couple of months.”
“You got in?” It’s an instant shift, and the heaviness lifts slightly.
The pride in his eyes is enough to bring my tears back to the surface yet again. I didn’t realize how much I needed his approval until this very second.
“I got in.” I smile, letting the tears fall freely.
“Oh my god, Tess, that’s amazing.” Before I know it I’m back in his arms, my feet leaving the ground. “I knew you could do it.” He squeezes me so hard that it’s almost painful, and yet not nearly hard enough. “I’m so proud of you.” The last part is a whisper before he finally lowers me to my feet and takes a full step back, a sad smile etched onto his beautiful face. “So I guess this really is it huh?”
“I guess so.”
He doesn’t argue me on it or try to convince me that we can still make it work; I think deep down he knows it won’t. How could it? College ball is a full-time job in itself. Add in his full coursework on top of mine and the fact that were over a thousand miles away from each other and it’s clear to see that even if we tried, we’d only fail and probably be worse off for it.
“Fuck.” He lets out a shaky breath. “I don’t know if I have it in me to walk away from you a second time.”
“I don’t know if I have it in me to let you,” I admit, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
“So then how do we do it?” he asks, emotion so thick in this voice I nearly lose my composure and throw myself back into his arms.
I don’t know how I resist doing it. Honestly, I feel like every second that ticks by makes it harder not to do just that.
“We do it together,” I finally say, letting out a deep breath.
“Together.” He gives me a sad smile, tears filling his eyes. “I love you, Tess. No matter where life takes you, no matter where you go, I will always love you. If you meet someone new and get married, I’ll still love you. If you have children with that man and go on to live the life you’ve always dreamed of, I’ll still love you. I will love you until the day I die, and that’s one promise I will never break.”
“I love you ,too.” It’s the last words I utter.
I don’t know how I force my feet to move. I don’t know how I turn and not look back. I don’t know how I manage to walk back into school. I don’t know how I manage any of it and yet I do.
A year ago, I thought Sebastian and I would end up together some day. I thought when the time was right we’d find each other again and all the pain and heartbreak would’ve been worth it. Now, I walk away knowing that there’s a very real possibility that I may never see him again. And that thought is both terrifying and freeing at the same time.
It’s been fourteen months since the last time I saw Sebastian. So much has happened between now and then that I barely even recognize my life anymore.
I spent my last summer with Courtney, enjoying the last remaining weeks of our childhood before we were separated for the first time since we were in grade school. Saying goodbye to her proved to be one of the hardest things I had ever done. But it wasn’t the hardest. That spot was and is still reserved for the one person who never strays far from my thoughts or my heart.
I wish I could tell you that Sebastian and I moved heaven and earth and found a way to be together, but that’s simply not the case. Life is not a fairy-tale or some over the top romance novel where everything is some grand declaration of love. Life is real and painful, and sometimes love doesn’t actually conquer all. And I’ve found a way to be okay with that.
He got moved into the starting quarterback position at the start of his sophomore year, and I’ve made a point to watch as many games as I can. In a way, it’s almost like I’m torturing myself, but at the same time, I can’t not watch. It gives me comfort to see him living his dream. It somehow makes it all feel worth it.
I miss him, I think a part of me will always miss him. But my life has changed so much sometimes it’s hard to even remember the girl I used to be—or recognize the woman I’ve become for that matter.
It didn’t take me long to settle at Columbia. From the moment I arrived, I felt closer to my dad than I ever had before. But being in the city also made me feel closer to Sebastian. I often find myself walking the streets, reliving the words he said to me when he brought me here years ago. I can still hear his voice like he’s saying it now.
“I wanted to be the one to bring you for the first time that way the city will always hold a piece of us in it, something you can keep with you when we’re not together.”
I don’t think he truly understood the magnitude of that gesture at the time, but it doesn’t change the fact that his words still ring true every single day.
Freshman year went by in a blur. I finally picked a major after going undecided for the first two semesters, deciding to pursue a degree in finance. It’s certainly not the choice with the most flash, but I wanted something practical, something I knew would be worth the effort and money when it was all said and done. Besides, I might also have a slight obsession with numbers so it seemed like the perfect fit.
I still talk to Courtney every couple of weeks. She’s adjusting well to Alabama, having the time of her life or so it would seem. It’s funny how different our experiences have been thus far, kind of a lot like high school.
She’s out partying and hooking up with hot frat guys, really living up the entire college experience. Meanwhile, I spend very little time outside of the classroom, library, or my dorm room, preferring to lose myself in my studies rather than in a bottle of liquor.
It’s not lost on me how very different we are, and yet how we’ve always just made sense. Like we balance each other perfect
ly. I’m the voice of reason, the one who talks Courtney out of the things she already knows she shouldn’t do but probably would anyway. And Courtney is good at getting me out of my head and making me experience things I probably would never try without her encouragement.
I miss that in my life, her constantly in my ear pushing me out of my comfort zone. I’m sure some mornings when she wakes up with a wicked hangover in a guy’s bed she has no recollection of sleeping with, she probably misses me, too.
I’ve managed to make a few friends over the last year but none have come close to what Courtney, Bree, and I have. Even with thousands of miles separating us we still have each other to lean on, and I’m confident that no matter where life takes us, we will always be there for one and another.
I don’t talk to Bree quite as often as I do Courtney, but we still manage to squeeze in a Facetime session every few weeks. She’ll tell me about all the cute things Jackson is doing now, and I’ll tell her about my classes and anything new that’s going on.
California looks good on her, as does motherhood.
She managed to graduate from high school on time and is now taking night classes and working part time during the day waitressing. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on and coming out on the other end a better stronger person.
Everyone has moved on to bigger and better things. Sometimes it’s almost hard to wrap my head around how much everything has changed.
And that couldn’t be more apparent than right at this moment, pulling into a town that now almost feels foreign to me.
I roll my window down, taking a deep breath of the air as it whips around me. Being back in Rockfield is like watching an old movie. I remember every road, every shop and sign, but I also pick up on things I never noticed before. Maybe it’s because it’s been so long or maybe it’s because I was too focused on something else to really appreciate the little things that seemed to just blur into the background.
Like the smell of trees and fresh cut flowers, the sounds of nature, the peacefulness that comes with a sense of belonging. I don’t know that I ever appreciated this place enough when I lived here, but now living in the city with the hustle and bustle of everyday life, a place like Rockfield is a breath of fresh air and a very welcome one at that.
Where the Night Ends Page 23