Starting from Square Two

by Caren Lissner

  In the afternoon, Todd called and broke the date.

  He said he’d finally gotten back home a few hours earlier. He’d tried to fall asleep, but couldn’t. He had lain in bed for hours. Now he had to start work again at midnight. He knew he needed to get some sleep first, so he’d be alert for the trip.

  He didn’t sound disappointed.

  She certainly felt disappointed. She had to see him to make sure things were okay with them.

  “You can come to my house to sleep,” she said.

  Right away, she got a sinking feeling that she shouldn’t have offered, especially when he was quiet for a second.

  “Oh, I could,” Todd said. “It’s just, it’s easier for me to leave from here. I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

  It’s no trouble, she thought.

  “Okay,” she said. She thought for a second, and added, “I have work to do tonight, anyway.”

  “That’s good,” Todd said. He still didn’t seem concerned. “Maybe we can see each other Saturday. Can we try for then?”

  Try? She hadn’t seen him in almost a week.

  “Oh, sure,” Gert said.

  She closed her eyes. This was slipping away from her.

  He said, “Okay. We’ll talk then,” and got off.

  He didn’t say he was sorry for canceling at the last minute.

  Maybe he wasn’t sorry.

  In college, on the ceiling of Gert and Hallie’s dormroom, Hallie had stuck glow-in-the-dark stars. At first, Gert had found this strange, but she had come to like staring at them at night to fall asleep. She would look up and wonder what she’d do for a living someday, where she’d live, whom she’d marry. She would stare at them until they turned into white bursting supernovas.

  Gert rolled onto her side.

  Saturday. Saturday. They’d meet up Saturday.

  Had Todd said, “We’ll try to do it Saturday” or “We’ll definitely do it Saturday”?

  She knew he hadn’t said “definitely.”

  He was losing interest, maybe. Had she let him jump in too quickly?

  Maybe Hallie and Erika were right. She should have played harder to get. She should have played games.

  The rules Hallie and Erika had clung to hadn’t been invented in a vacuum. Other people talked about “rules,” even though it was usually with great disdain—but there had to be some truth to them. You couldn’t give a guy too much too soon—that was just a fact. They’d get bored. Why had Gert thought she’d be immune? Was she so great that these maxims would never have to apply to her?

  What had gone wrong? Was it the confession about Marc? Or something else?

  She tried to remember how she’d looked on her last date with Todd, what she’d been wearing and what she had said.

  She should have been paying more attention to Todd, she thought. She had never really thought about how he might be viewing their relationship. And was it a relationship? It had been a little more than a month—but it was a good month.

  She hadn’t ever doubted for a minute that it was the start of something bigger.

  I’m spoiled, she told herself. You have to do work to keep a guy interested. You can’t get lazy.

  She tried to replay her conversation with him of just a few hours ago. She almost wished she’d taped it; then she realized how irrational that was.

  She rolled over and gazed at the clock radio. It was eleven. Eight hours until she’d have to get up again. She didn’t think she’d fall asleep.

  You were lucky, she told herself. Meeting someone like Todd isn’t easy. You were very, very lucky.

  There weren’t a lot of guys who would have asked to see pictures of her husband and their wedding. There weren’t many who would confuse Heckle and Jeckle with Jekyll and Hyde and laugh about it. There weren’t many who would try to convince her that New Jersey was beautiful.

  I love him, she thought.

  Okay, so she wasn’t in love with him, and it wasn’t exactly the same way she’d loved Marc. But she knew she did love him, in some way, and it was definitely evolving. What was the likelihood she could feel that way about someone else?

  She couldn’t ever go back to those bars with Hallie and Erika, even if she’d only been once or twice. She couldn’t become inured, accepting crumbs because she thought that was as good as it got. She couldn’t pursue barfly party boys who oiled themselves up, tucked their shirts into belted pants and used “dude” as every part of speech.

  And how could she go through telling the next guy that she was a twenty-nine-year-old widow? Or thirty? Or thirty-one?

  You’re getting carried away, she thought. If Todd didn’t want to see me, he wouldn’t have even mentioned Saturday, right?

  Maybe he wanted to break up that day. Oh God. That was why he had kept postponing. He needed to give her the “We have to slow down” speech. And he was dreading it.

  But he hadn’t said anything negative about their relationship. Just that he was tired from work. Wasn’t she overanalyzing? Being paranoid?

  Still, there was one truth. No matter how close they’d gotten, no matter how happy she’d felt about him, there was absolutely no guarantee that he wouldn’t break it off. He wasn’t her fiancé. He wasn’t her husband. He hadn’t introduced her to his parents, or met hers. They hadn’t stated any commitment. They’d casually mentioned going to his friend Howard’s wedding that summer, and at some point they were supposed to take that train trip to the chocolate festival. But was that a guarantee?

  This is too hard, she thought.

  I’ve done this already. I’ve been married. Why was this uncertainty, this dating process, thrust upon her again?

  Hallie had tried to tell her. Dating wasn’t fun. It was work. Animals didn’t do it. The modus operandi should be this: Find someone, grab them, dive down into your rabbit hole and don’t come out.

  In the absence of a guarantee, you had only faith. Faith that the other person felt the same way, that if you perceived the relationship progressing, the other person did, too. Faith that if it was meant to be, it would be.

  Was that enough?

  Gert pulled her blanket over herself and shivered.

  Maybe Todd had met someone else on one of his train trips. He was cute, enthusiastic, and honest. He was away a lot. The other girls out there probably didn’t have problems, were more carefree. Maybe Gert’s past weirded him out too much. Maybe he’d simply felt his enthusiasm waning.

  She needed another chance.

  I should have met him later, she thought. After I’d had more experience dating, like Hallie and Erika. Then I would have been better at it.

  She hadn’t even done one thing to show Todd how much she’d liked him. He’d done plenty of things for her. He’d sent her a silly card at work two weeks ago that had an orangutan on the front. When she’d opened it, it had said, “I value our primate time together.” She hadn’t sent him a monkey card in return.

  But hadn’t she often told him he was a great guy? She had. And she’d let him sleep over. Obviously she liked him.

  So what had she done wrong?

  If only she was as confident as she’d been a month ago. Hallie was right about the Rule of Rules: The times you needed to follow the rules most were the times you couldn’t. If Todd hadn’t called her after they’d met at the bar, she would have never thought about it. Now she cared, and she had to stop herself from calling him.

  She was two steps away from phoning him and begging him to lay it on the line, to tell her where they stood.

  And that was the surest way to freak him out.

  He wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t her boyfriend. He was just a guy she’d met at a bar.

  Did she have “I’m just calling to say I miss you” status with him?

  Not at eleven-thirty at night.

  She remembered the morning she’d kissed Marc for the last time. She’d told him she loved him. She always did. They’d had a good morning before he’d died, but there was always more s
he wished she’d said.

  And now she wanted to say things to Todd, and she was stopping herself.

  What if he was in a train wreck tonight? Wasn’t it better just to let the chips fall where they may? Wasn’t Todd against games, anyway?

  No, no, no. She couldn’t call him. He was a young guy. She was used to committed relationships. He wasn’t. He’d be scared off.

  She had to talk to someone, though. A friend.

  She considered her options. Hallie might just confirm that Gert had made mistakes and tell her to follow the rules next time. She didn’t want to hear about it right now.

  There was Nancy in L.A. Nancy would be perfect—she never judged Gert on anything. She would talk her through it. But it was late to call someone with a husband and kids.

  Oh, wait—it was eight-thirty L.A. time. Perfect.

  Nancy’s phone rang. And rang. They must be putting the kids to bed, or out eating at Johnny Rockets, Gert thought. The kids loved it when the wait staff climbed on the counter and danced to fifties tunes.

  Gert rolled over and put the phone on her stomach. She stared at the lit-up numbers. Might as well try Hallie anyway.

  She dialed and waited. The phone rang six times.

  Gert remembered that Hallie often turned the ringer off at night. She hated it when people did that. It was like saying: Have your emergencies during business hours, or don’t bother us.

  She usually didn’t call her parents until Sunday night, but this merited a call.

  She dialed and let it ring. Her mom picked it up.

  “Hi, Mom,” Gert said, her voice quavering.

  “Are you all right? Where are you?” she asked.

  “I’m fine,” Gert said. She tried to keep her voice even. Moms could detect upset in seconds flat. “I sort of…I’m being silly, probably…but Todd hasn’t been talking to me much in the last few days, and he says his job’s been busy, but I’m worried he’s losing interest.”

  “It’s Gert,” Gert heard her mom say to her dad. “Well,” her mother said, “remember, it hasn’t been very long that you two have been dating.”

  “I know.”

  The last time Gert had been home, for Christmas, her mom had told her that she was sure she would fall in love again. But as soon as Gert had started dating Todd, her mom had shifted to don’t-get-hurt mode.

  “Maybe he is tired from work,” Gert’s mom said. “I’m sure he’s not even realizing how he comes across.”

  “Maybe,” Gert said. “But Marc would have realized.”

  “It’s hard to replace someone who was so special.”

  “I’m not trying to replace him.”

  “That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry. That was the wrong word. I just mean that Todd is going to have to learn. He’s young, isn’t he? He hasn’t been in a real long-term relationship before.”

  “What if he doesn’t want to be in one?”

  “From what you’ve told me, he likes you a lot,” Gert’s mom said. “And you’re strong. You know that?”

  “I don’t feel strong,” Gert said.

  “You are. Remember that no matter what happens, you’re a wonderful person and you will always find lots of people who’ll love you.”

  Now Gert wanted to cry. That sounded like something you told your spinster aunt who was never going to get married.

  “When are you coming to see us again?” her mom asked.

  “I don’t know,” Gert said. “Around Easter?”

  “Come out and stay with us,” she said. “We’ll go on vacation somewhere. Henry, too. That’ll give you something special to look forward to no matter what happens.”

  “I like that,” Gert said. “Can we do that?”

  “Sure.”

  Gert felt a tiny bit better when she hung up.

  But there were still seven hours to kill before work.

  She set her clock radio for the next day. She changed the station so she wouldn’t have to hear Crappy the Clown when she woke up. She didn’t think she could deal with Crappy tomorrow.

  The clock radio went off at seven-thirty.

  “Oh man, what I could do to her,” said a deep voice. “You’ve got a great body, you know that? Mmmm…. yeees. Turn around. Do you ever wear a thong? Gary, who’s outside? Lesbians? Oh my God! This is…what is this? Oh, we have to go to a commercial.”

  It was Howard Stern. Gert got up and turned him off.

  Standing in front of the clock radio, staring at the hazy red numbers as her eyes came into focus, she figured she’d get a disgusting breakfast to wake herself up. Maybe coffee and a chocolate croissant. She saw guys at work eating like that every morning, and didn’t know how they avoided turning into blimps. Well, not all of them avoided it. Hallie had always said it was better to eat junk food in the morning, so you had the day to burn it off. Hallie was very nutrition-conscious.

  Gert got to work at 8:30 a.m., and Missy was already in the elevator. She looked tired, but she was wearing a peppy blue suit.

  “Well, you’re in early!” Missy said, brightening.

  Gert was surprised to be greeted so enthusiastically, but maybe she’d have a decent day after all. “I couldn’t sleep,” Gert said.

  “Man problems,” Missy said.

  Gert said, “How did you know?”

  “I didn’t. I was talking about me.” Missy paused. “Once we get settled, let’s go back downstairs for some coffee.”

  Heading to her desk, Gert remembered when she’d gotten the call at work about Marc. Missy had been wonderful. She’d gotten Gert downstairs, put her in a cab, handed the driver $100 and told him not to stop until he got her to the hospital.

  “Gert?” Missy said as they walked back to the elevator.

  “Yeah.”

  “I know I haven’t been the greatest person to be around the last few months.”

  Gert decided to let the silence hang there a little. Then she said, “You’ve been fine.” She didn’t think she’d been convincing.

  Missy shrugged. “I know you have your own problems besides getting the brunt of my shit,” she said. “I’ve been taking things out on you, and it’s not fair.” She wasn’t looking at Gert. Gert didn’t want to look at her, either.

  “It’s okay,” Gert said finally, to break the silence.

  Missy said, “Just because I’m your boss, it doesn’t mean you have to kiss my ass. I’d feel better if you said, ‘Missy, you treated me like shit and I don’t deserve it.’”

  Gert ignored her and looked at the floor. It was white and full of footprints.

  “Say it,” Missy said.

  “Missy, you treated me like shit and I don’t deserve it.”

  “You’re fired,” Missy said. “Ha, ha, ha. Let’s get some joe.”

  In the diner, Missy took off her suit jacket and sat down. She was wearing a sleeveless dress. Gert could tell she was at the gym all the time. No wonder the mailroom guy liked her so much. She was toned.

  “Whatever’s going on in your life, you can tell me about it,” Missy said. She fussed with her silverware, wiping it off with her napkin. “I owe you that,” she said. “Besides, I’ll admit, I’m pretty low on female friends right now. And the guy I’m with most…well, talking isn’t his strong suit.”

  Gert laughed. Having talked to the mailroom guy once or twice, she was sure that was true.

  “So what’s up?” Missy said. “Tell me. You said you had man problems…”

  Gert looked at her face distorted in the metal carafe of cream. The waitress arrived and they ordered coffee.

  “Well,” Gert said, “some friends took me to a bar last month. I met a guy there.”

  Missy smiled. “Good…”

  “He’s from southern Virginia…” Gert said. “He’s twenty-six.”

  “Younger man…good….”

  “He’s very sweet.”

  Gert told Missy all about Todd. When she finished, Missy said, “He sounds wonderful.”

  “He is.”


  “Maybe he is just working hard,” Missy said.

  “He might be,” Gert said. “But how do I know?”

  Missy smiled at her, then turned her attention to her newly delivered coffee cup. “Well,” she said, “here’s what you do. Keep yourself busy constantly until you’re supposed to see him. That’s tomorrow night, right?”

  “Yes. Saturday.”

  “I’m sure he’ll see you Saturday. You don’t want him to know how crazy this is making you. You really have to avoid thinking about it.”

  “How?”

  “You go to the gym, right?”

  “Yeah…sometimes.”

  “Go today. Run, step, lift weights, anything to make you feel better about yourself. What else can you do?”

  “Go to the movies? Visit friends?”

  “Oh my God! Of course, go to the movies. Buy your friends some drinks. And make sure you wear the cutest clothes you can find. For yourself, not for men. Try to look sexy. Don’t wait until you’re forced.”

  “Okay.”

  “And when you’re out, don’t think about Todd, and don’t answer your cell phone. Your instincts were right. No matter what, do not call him.”

  When it was time to pay the check, Missy looked through her wallet for some cash. Suddenly she said, “Do you want to see a picture of Derek?”

  Gert nodded. Missy produced a snapshot of a guy who was young and fit, with a carefully groomed mustache and bulging arms.

  “He’d never be the type to invite me on a train ride,” Missy said. “He’d never tell me he looks forward to having kids someday. But who gives a fig?”

  Gert didn’t say anything.

  Missy took back her photo of Derek, then looked at it herself. “Don’t ever decide against taking something that makes you happy,” Missy said. Gert wondered if Missy was just trying to convince herself. “If I were still living with Dennis, I’d be miserable all the time.”

  “When did you two meet?”

  “Me and Dennis? Or me and Derek?”

  “Dennis.”