Finding the Dream (For the Love of Music #1.5)

by Mia Josephs

  Experiences like this never really left a person. And the truth was that he’d never fully shared his experience—even with the therapist that Hanson’s parents had gotten him.

  Would he ever?

  He tapped the phone in his pocket, but left it in place. Donovan walked into where the house used to be, his boots crunching on the burnt timbers. His heart pounded, and the thick, burning liquid that had taken residence in his chest felt as if it were hardening.

  Donovan gasped for air as tears burned on the rim of his eyes and started for the car. This had been a very stupid idea.

  He wanted to write Sierra a note. Anything. Just to tell her he was thinking about her, but he couldn’t risk her reading too much into anything until he had a chance to talk to her parents.

  And that was the next step. One he was sure he’d manage to screw up in a big way after the stupid decision to come to this horrible place.

  Sierra stared at her inbox, mouth agape.

  An agent hadn’t said no.

  Dear Ms. Sierra Blades,

  While I find your book fun and refreshing, I’m not sure there’s enough to make KISSING LACEY stand out in a market so flooded with contemporary love stories. However, your writing voice is unique so I spent some time looking you up online, and you can imagine my surprise when I realized you run the blog that my nieces talk about incessantly as they’re both early twenties—one in college, one just graduated.

  I wondered if you’d ever given any thought to writing non-fiction in that quirky voice of yours? If you’re interested, I’d love to see a few ideas with outlines, I’ll attach an example to this email, and I look forward to hearing from you,

  Helen Boswell

  Helen Boswell! She’d been one of Sierra’s top picks from the beginning!

  But non-fiction? That’s what Sierra did on her blog. Would people actually pay money for something they could basically get for free online?

  She spit out an email back to her that was hopefully coherent and said something about working on it…

  Sierra jumped up from her favorite chair to tell Donovan, and paused when she remembered he was still gone.

  He wasn’t there, but Lindsey should be her first choice anyway. Sierra sent her friend a text, unsure if Lindsey would be in classes.

  The second you have a moment, call me.

  She had other emails to answer. And Facebook statuses saved up to post. And blog posts to edit and publish. Instead she sat down at her computer and pulled up the example Ms. Bosworth had sent to her and hoped her brain would jump into the process so she could get some ideas sketched out.

  Her life had just taken a crazy, unexpected turn in a good direction, and she wanted to breathe in and soak up every moment.

  Fourteen

  Donovan stood just outside of the Blades’ door, trying to breathe. He knew he didn’t have to knock, but his knuckles tapped the wood anyway.

  Lani opened the door with a smile and threw her arms around Donovan, pulling him into the same kind of tight hug that Sierra always used.

  “You know you don’t have to knock. Not here.” She finally let him go, her hands clasping his shoulders.

  He gave her a quick nod of acknowledgement, but aside from that, didn’t speak.

  “You come in.” She tugged him forward, putting her arm over his shoulders to lead him up the stairs. “What’s going on, Van?”

  He didn’t know. Donovan pried off his boots and rubbed his forehead.

  “Come sit. I’m on my third cup of coffee today, but some days are just like that.”

  “Yeah,” he said, finally finding his voice.

  I think I might want to date your daughter. Is that cool with you?

  “Is my daughter driving you nuts yet?” she asked. “I make her take the food to the homeless shelter because she cooks so much, and I’d be as big as a whale if I didn’t. She manages to only eat one, but I don’t have that kind of self-control.”

  “Not a problem yet.” Van smiled a little as he breathed in the familiar comfort of the house.

  He sat on one of the bar stools next to the kitchen, and Lani sat on the one inside the kitchen. It had been her spot since he could remember.

  “I’m assuming you have a purpose in coming here since we don’t see you very often, and I know Sierra well enough to hope that she’s not in some kind of weird trouble.” She brought her mug to her lips, her brown eyes the same color as her daughter’s.

  “She’s fine,” Van choked the feeling of her body moving with his taking over his thoughts for a moment. “Good, you know.”

  “And the shop?”

  “Same, same.” Donovan rubbed his hands on his thigh, the air feeling awkward to breathe. “Busy which means money, but busy.”

  “Any word from my son?” she asked.

  Donovan shook his head. Nothing in far too long. He’d known there’d be a period of time where Hanson would probably be unreachable; he just wished it wasn’t right at that time.

  She shifted her weight, tugging her cardigan more firmly around her shoulders. “The double-standard my husband holds for our kids is sometimes staggering to me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Hanson left for his first third-world country trip his freshman year of college. Sierra is starting her junior year and he’s been a nervous wreck with her three hours away.” She took another sip. “He’s always been over-protective of his girls. Job hazard.”

  Oh, hell. The last thing he wanted to do was talk about Sierra’s dad’s views on sex. Planned Parenthood had warped him forever. Maybe coming to talk about Sierra hadn’t been a good idea.

  “I dropped by my parents’ old house. Not much left,” he said.

  Lani frowned as she set down her mug. “There’s something that won’t ever leave you.”

  He shook his head. “No.”

  “Anything else new?” she asked, gently prodding.

  If he’d been her, he’d have been confused as hell. He’d barely seen them and then to just show up. “Sierra’s so grown up. Threw me a bit.” A lot.

  “Oh, yeah.” She sat back, smiling a little. “She’s turning into such a cool woman, but I always knew she would.”

  “Me, too.” His throat swelled up and Lani rested her arms on the counter between them.

  “Spit it out, Van,” she teased in a low voice. “You forget I know you.”

  He drummed his fingers on the counter for a moment before running both hands through his hair. “I like her. And it’s weird and not expected and something I feel like I should tell you, but also that I shouldn’t tell you and I… I’m really confused. And that’s also probably one of the last things I should say.”

  “Hmm.” Lani pursed her lips. “I can pretend to be your mother for a moment and tell you I’m happy for you and then be Sierra’s mother for a moment and tell you that she’s watched you for a while.”

  Alyson had guessed as much. “I’m worried it’s based on the guy she thinks I am rather than who I am.”

  “Sierra knows you.” Lani finally sat back and took a drink of her coffee. “And if you two do move forward, make sure you’re ready to show her more of yourself than you ever showed us. If you’re not ready for the real thing, please keep your distance.”

  Just like he thought. There was no casual way to date someone he’d known for so long. “Yeah. I figured.”

  “She’ll end up hurt if you do.”

  There was nothing accusatory in her voice, just calm statements of things he already knew. It was why he’d come so far. Why his heart and chest had felt filled with fluid. So many things to think about. “I promise, I won’t.”

  Part of him felt like Lani would be okay with him moving forward, and part of him felt like she was giving him a warning in hopes he’d leave her daughter alone.

  Donovan still didn't know what to do, but a weight had released with the simple fact that she knew how he felt—at least as much as he did.

  “She’s been like a little
sister, so the whole thing feels…strange right now.”

  Lani clutched her mug. “I can see that.”

  “And it’s not because she lost…or because she…” How the hell was he going to say this right? “Because she…”

  “Because she figured out how to take care of her body?” Lani asked. “I know, Donovan. My daughter got gorgeous.”

  “Doesn’t mean I know what to do.”

  “Then let’s keep this between us for now. Her father already worries too much, and if he worries any more, he’s likely to drive her away from him. That’s the last thing I want.”

  Donovan traced the tiles on the counter. “I can see that.”

  “She wasn’t always treated very nicely in high school. Too quirky. Too much energy to relax into being someone cool.” She let out a sigh. “And then right after she graduated, it was like she decided to do things on her own terms. Her and Lindsey had already decided to do the community college, and she started her Trial by Sierra blog, and started working out and trying all these new things with her hair and her makeup… About halfway through her freshman year of college, she was… She looked amazing.”

  Donovan half remembered coming home from college at some point, but Sierra had been dating some asshole at the time, and he and Hanson had just opened the store… He’d barely spoken to her that trip.

  “Guys who used to tease her in high school noticed her when they came home for the holidays. And suddenly she had all this attention from people who used to give her a hard time.” Lani licked her lips maybe wondering is she should continue. “My girl was always positive, even after the first guy had sex with her and then left for school and…nothing.”

  Donovan choked. “She tells you stuff like that?”

  “Mom’s know.” She narrowed her eyes and Donovan saw spots, seriously wondering if he’d be able to stay conscious. And then Lani’s face softened. “I’m very lucky in that Sierra tells me things.”

  Donovan had still forgotten how to breathe.

  Lani’s phone rang between them.

  Donovan nearly fell out of his chair, and Lani flipped it over to see the screen. “Speak of the devil.”

  Oh, great. Sierra was calling. Here. Maybe she was about to tell her mom they’d slept together. Did he just run?

  “What…?” Lani’s mouth pulled into a smile. “Slow down, Sierra. Say this all again?”

  Donovan stared, dying that he couldn’t hear the information. Sierra’s voice carried through the phone and through the room but he couldn’t make out the words, just a high-pitched, excited voice.

  So very Sierra. He found himself smiling even though he had no idea why she’d called. Oh, shit. Maybe she had called to tell her mom about their night together.

  “I’m so excited for you, honey!” Lani smiled wide. “You’ll figure it out. I know you will.”

  More chattering from Sierra, and Donovan sat on the edge of his seat waiting for Lani to get off the phone.

  “I can’t give Lindsey a ride, no, but Donovan is here so maybe he could? I’m not sure what his schedule is.”

  Give Lindsey a ride?

  “Are you up to talk to her?” Lani mouthed and Donovan nodded dumbly.

  He had no idea if he was up to talking to Sierra, but it’s not like he could say no in that moment. At least he guessed Sierra hadn’t mentioned sleeping with him to her mother. The phone somehow ended up in his hand and he stared at it for a moment before answering.

  “Hey,” he said.

  “Van! I got asked to write a book! By an agent! A non-fiction one! And Lindsey has a ride home on Sunday but not a ride down today. Her car is in the shop again. Are you coming back this way today or tomorrow or…?”

  All the thick liquid in his chest softened and he sat back down with a smile. “So proud of you. I’d be happy to pick up Lindsey and bring her to you. Had a good night last night. Played a bit. Actually, a lot. So… Thank you.” He chewed on his lip feeling laid open in front of her again, even though they were just on the phone. “I can bring Lindsey to you anytime.”

  “You’re the best Van! Thank you so much!” She paused. “And I’m really happy you’re finding your music again.”

  He could picture her beaming face and her bouncing body and he was sad again he wasn’t with her to share this. “I’ll get Lindsey’s number from your mom, okay? I’ll have her to you soon.”

  “Thank you. Seriously. Whatever you want, just ask, okay?”

  He could think of a few dirty things, and a few comfortable things, and yeah… His passenger seat wouldn’t be filled properly when he picked up Lindsey because she wasn’t the girl he wanted there. “When I figure it out, you’ll be the first to know.”

  His answer was a lot deeper than her question and they both knew it.

  “Drive safe, Donovan.” Her voice was soft, warm, concerned, and he wanted more of it.

  Warmth flooded him. “I will. For sure.”

  “See you tonight.”

  He felt Lani’s eyes on him, a subtle smile on her face.

  “Yep.” He handed the phone back to Lani, wondering what the hell he and Lindsey were going to talk about in the car for three hours.

  Lani checked her phone before sliding it back into her pocket.

  “You’re a good man, Donovan. I’m so proud of you.” Lani pulled him into another hug.

  Donovan patted her back, still scared as hell because with Sierra, it had to be all the way or nothing. And the really sucky thing was that Sierra wouldn’t be the only person affected by their relationship and some friendships he just wasn’t willing to risk.

  “You should stop by and see Clark before you head back. He’s at Planned Parenthood today instead of the home office. He’d love it.”

  “Yeah. I’ll check with Lindsey.” But if he saw Clark, he’d practically have to lie to the guy because Lani had told him to keep his thoughts about Sierra to himself.

  But on his way to his van he got a text from Lindsey. Meet you at PP. Thanks!

  So much for avoiding Clark. It was a pretty normal meeting spot for their family, but why that day?

  “Donovan!” Clark practically beamed in his doctor’s coat as he shoved his way out the back door. “Great surprise!”

  And just like Lani, he grabbed Van in a hug. But only because he didn’t know that Van had just had sex with his little girl. Van’s gut flipped.

  Van patted his back before stepping away. Where was Lindsey?

  “So, this is a surprise.” Clark leaned against the van and Donovan just nodded.

  “Needed a drive. That’s all.”

  “Did you and Alyson get anything sorted?” he asked. “You seemed to like her.”

  “I did. Yeah. I do.” Lani’s words of caution ran through his head again and again. No, he couldn’t talk to Clark about Sierra. Not yet. And Clark would want to hear a ‘plan’ or something anyway. “We split.”

  “So, you like her, but you two split? Is there a story?” he asked. Clark’s brown hair looked greyer at his temples than it used to, but when he looked at Clark, he saw Sierra. Similar eyes. Similar hair.

  “She wanted a break, and we just didn’t recover from the break. I think she wants out of Oregon, you know?” And I think I might be falling for your daughter, but I'm not sure yet…

  “And you’re settled here in Oregon?” he asked. “Because I’m not sure you seem like the type to settle.” He winked.

  Donovan scratched his head. “I own a store that keeps me pretty tied here.”

  “Doesn’t have to. You and Hanson could surely trade that out a bit more, huh?”

  “Dr. Blades!” a nurse called from the back door. “We’re behind schedule!”

  He sighed. “We’re always behind schedule here. I much prefer the two days a week I see patients in my home office.”

  Donovan scanned the parking lot again for Lindsey, hoping he’d remain the only VW van in the parking lot so she could find him faster.

  “You tell my girl to be
good, okay?”

  Van’s brain exploded. “Absolutely.”

  Clark tapped Donovan on the arm. “Thanks again for watching over Sierra for me.”

  His stomach folded over again. “No problem.”

  Clark gave him another wave before stepping back into the clinic and Donovan leaned against his car, grateful the fall air was cool enough to keep him from hurling in the parking lot. He slowly slipped into the driver’s seat, misery crawling all over him.

  “Hey, Donovan!” a girl called through the open window. “I’m ready!”

  Lindsey bounced into the front seat of his van.

  “A van for Van.” She giggled, and he tried on a smile.

  He was doing this purely for Sierra because it was going to be a hellishly awkward three hours. Okay. A little for himself too because Lindsey being around would absorb Sierra into girl-land, and he could… He could try and take some more time to sort out his head while Sierra was busy. Already the night away felt like a luxury he shouldn’t have taken. Maybe it hadn’t been fair to her, but if he’d forced himself to try and tell her everything that was on his mind, that wouldn't be fair to her either—not with how back and forth he was.

  “You got everything you need?” he asked as he glanced down at her small backpack.

  “Sierra promised she’d sew my pajama pants this afternoon, and I like her clothes better than mine, so yep.” Lindsey had a long, almost awkward face, but open and friendly, shoulder length blond hair in spiral-y curls. Fun. Cute. And exactly the kind of person he’d expect for Sierra to be friends with.

  He shifted into first gear and pulled out of the Planned Parenthood parking lot.

  “You don’t remember me. Do you?” she asked.

  Oh, hell. Donovan glanced over at her again.

  “I’m Lindsey Baker. I used to stay the night all the time. How do you not remember?”

  The pin stick girl! “I remember now.” He gestured toward her. “You both look so grown up.”