How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three

by V. Moody

  They all filed past me. Jenny was at the back. She saluted at me as she marched behind the others. I didn’t have much choice other than to fall in line.

  We went to the Municipal Directory, pausing long enough for me to buy a kind of burrito. I say’ kind of’ because burritos aren’t normally red and sewn shut with long green strands of grass that taste like liquorice.

  Nobody said much as we arranged for me to be able to access all their accounts in the event of their deaths. Everyone was very businesslike and no one gave me a hard time about what I was asking them to do, and what it implied about my opinion of them doing this side-quest.

  Once that was out of the way, we headed off to the Sheaf.

  “Well, good luck,” I said at the entrance.

  “Yeah, yeah,” said Claire. “See you later.” She walked into the Sheaf.

  Maurice grinned at me as he followed Claire. Flossie gave me another hug. Dudley also gave me a hug. Is it possible to have sex so great it makes you go around hugging people? I wouldn’t know, obviously.

  Jenny paused before going in. “What are you going to do while you wait for our triumphant return?”

  “I’m sure I’ll find a way to amuse myself.”

  “Did you say amuse or abuse?”

  “Amuse,” I enunciated clearly.

  “Okay. Well, be careful of chafing.” She walked into the Sheaf without waiting for a reply. Not that I had anything to say; it was good advice.

  I made my way back to the inn, feeling strangely light on my feet. Whatever problems they might face, there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn’t like they’d entered a dungeon or haunted ruins. True, they might have to face off against a civil servant or two, but at least they don’t try to eat people. Not often, anyway.

  The first thing I did after returning to my room was amuse myself. Twice. Finally having no one around to bother me or come barging in demanding my attention was a great luxury and I enjoyed being on my own for once.

  Of course, I was often on my own. The others tended to pair up and do their own thing, but they were always around. Now they were gone. Maybe forever.

  If they did come back, successful in their mission or not, the confidence they would gain would put me one step closer to my ultimate goal, which was to slip away at some point and leave them to it.

  If they didn’t come back, well…

  The most likely outcome was for them to turn up in a couple of hours, probably having got tied up in red tape or simply having had their questions answered in a way that didn’t help them find the missing spike.

  A couple of hours later, I started to think they must have at least located God. Maybe even got invited to dinner. Knowing my luck, they were having a great time and would come back with an even more inappropriate understanding of how to deal with risky situations.

  I spent the afternoon sitting around doing nothing much. I practised a little magic, creating balls of light that floated up to the ceiling and bobbed around up there like helium balloons. I found I had some sort of attachment to them and could make them roll across the ceiling by pushing my hand forward slowly. I could also make them roll back, but that was a lot harder.

  After it got dark, an odd sensation began to fester in my stomach. I felt uncomfortable. Nervous. I had known something would probably go wrong. I expected it to. What I hadn’t expected was to worry so much.

  Still, it’s never easy when you go cold turkey. If I wanted to rid myself of this addiction to playing hero I’d have to suffer a bit. Eventually, the craving would stop and I could go back to being a surly, antisocial git, the way I was meant to be.

  They could be dead or injured or in some kind of desperate situation. The important thing was to wait here and resist the urge to care.

  It must have been well past midnight when there was a knock on my door. I was lying on my bed wide awake and immediately jumped to my feet. Then I stood there. I didn’t want to make it look like I was eager to see them or anything.

  I walked over to the door and opened it.

  “Greetings, Visitor from another world,” said Biadet. “I bring news.”

  I slammed the door shut in her face. Shit. I dithered for a few seconds. Maybe if I didn’t open the door she’d go away?

  “Some people might take that as a sign you weren’t pleased to see them.”

  I turned around to find Biadet sitting cross-legged on my bed. She was wearing a black dress with her shoes sticking out from under a frilly skirt. She pointed up at the ceiling.

  “Can you teach me how to make them?”

  Above her, half-a-dozen balls of light jostled against each other in the breeze from the window.

  “Can you teach me the trick to moving around like that?” I asked.

  “It isn’t a trick, you’re just very easy to distract.”

  That hardly explained how she was able to teleport into my room through a closed door.

  “I suppose this is to do with the rest of my group.”

  “I suppose it is,” said Biadet. She lay down on the bed. “So, this is where the magic happens.” She turned her head towards me and pointed at the ceiling again. “I’m referring to that magic.”

  “I know which magic you were referring to. What happened to them, Biadet?”

  She sat up again. “They displeased God and are sitting in a cell waiting for their punishment.”

  “How did they displease him?”

  “I don’t know the full story, but apparently they tried to steal an item from the Guild Treasury. Not the brightest bunch, are they? You must be pleased to be rid of them.”

  Would they really do something so stupid? Well, yes, but still, hard to believe they’d do it when I wasn’t around to get them out of trouble.

  “Yes,” I said. “It’s good to be free. What kind of punishment will they get?”

  Biadet interlaced her fingers and rested her chin on them. “Hmmmm. Hard to say. God doesn’t take kindly to pilfering. I would imagine death is likely. Although, perhaps torture first. Publicly, maybe. Would serve as an excellent warning to others. Perhaps you plan to save them?”

  It was pretty obvious she had come to tempt me into mounting a rescue attempt. Fuck that.

  “Did Gullen send you here, Biadet? See what I’m capable of?”

  “I think he has a pretty good idea what you’re capable of. The way you got yourself out of that ‘pickle’ the other day was very impressive. Did you see what I did there? Pickle. It’s a play on words.”

  “Yes, I get it.” Damn, it seemed my attempt to sneak one past the Lord Administrator had failed.

  “I don’t know how you summoned Mama Ivy, but it was a very gutsy move.”

  I didn’t like the way she called it gutsy. “Should I be afraid of Mama Ivy?”

  “I’m afraid of Mama Ivy, you should be terrified.” A little smile appeared at the edges of her lips.

  “Do you think Gullen could have a word with this God person? Ask for a little leniency on the grounds of sheer stupidity?”

  “Not really his department. Very little to do with road planning or maintenance.” Yeah, like that was his department. “And God really doesn’t listen to anyone. He is a law unto himself in this city. “

  “Don’t you think it’s a bit weird he calls himself God? Bit egotistical.”

  “I don’t see why. That’s his name. Godfrey.”

  “Oh. I see. God for short.” Maybe he wasn’t some crazy loon. Maybe he could be reasoned with. Wait, what was I even thinking? “Can he really tell when someone’s lying?”

  “Oh, yes,” said Biadet. “Everyone has to tell the truth in God’s presence. Well, except for one person.”

  It took me a moment to figure out what she meant. “Everyone except God himself?”

  Biadet nodded.

  “So he might be making up the whole thing about them stealing something?”

  “Perhaps,” said Biadet. “But why would he do that? Simply to attract your attention? Who’s be
ing egotistical now?”

  I hadn’t actually made that claim, but now that she’d mentioned it, I could see it as a way to get me involved. Even if it was, it didn’t mean I would bite.

  “I don’t suppose he’ll let them go with a slap on the wrist.”

  “Unlikely. The last person to try and steal something from God…” She shook her head. “Put me off barbecue for a week. Anyway, I thought you’d want to know.” She got off the bed and walked over to the window. She stopped, turned and pointed at the door. “Look out!”

  I spun around but there was nothing there. When I turned back, Biadet was gone. I’m pretty sure I heard a distant voice say, “So easy…” but when I went to the window there was no sign of her.

  My options were clear.

  Do nothing and leave them to their fate.

  Come up with a plan and risk everything to save them.

  It was no choice at all, really. I lay on my bed and said my goodbyes to them. They weren’t a bad lot, really. Clueless and idiotic, certainly, but I could have ended up with a much worse group. But all friendships have to end eventually. It was time to move on and face life the way I was used to—alone.

  Once I accepted this as the only way forward, I felt a lot better. The uncomfortable situation in my stomach resolved itself and the tension in my shoulders went away. It wasn’t an easy choice, but compared to haring off on a suicide mission I was definitely happy with my decision.

  So how I found myself standing outside the Sheaf a few hours later, I have no idea.

  26. Blind Man’s Bluff

  In truth, I know exactly how I ended up back at the Sheaf.

  Once I had accepted the end of my time as leader, I made the mistake of going into Jenny’s room. I just wanted to say goodbye to what could have been. I’m human, I have regrets. Even though I never really got to be with her, except in medical terms, I would still miss her.

  And also, who knew what I might find lying about?

  What I found was a very neat and tidy room, bed perfectly made and even some flowers in a vase. And an envelope on the bedside cabinet. With my name on it.

  I opened it, of course. Mistake right there.

  Kizwat. Hammer and Tong Hostel.

  There was no other message, no explanation. She wanted me to know how to find Kizwat, if I had reason to. And as it happened…

  The Hammer and Tong was a lot nicer than our inn. A small fountain in the courtyard; rose covered trestles against the walls; a guy playing flute as the guests picked from an extensive breakfast buffet.

  Since Kizwat was staying here I couldn’t imagine it was very expensive, but the guests all gave off a similar vibe. From their clothes and their general demeanour I guessed they were all tradesmen or travelling merchants. People who knew how to find good deal.

  I bumped into Kizwat by the sweet dumplings and told him what I wanted to do, he agreed immediately. So, a little while later, we pitched up at the Sheaf, prepared for the difficult task ahead of us. And by prepared, I mean totally unprepared. And by difficult, I mean suicidal.

  “Yes, how can I help?” The same oily man as before sat behind his desk in the foyer. The smarmy look on his face fell away as he recognised me and Kizwat. “Oh… it’s you.”

  “Yes, it is,” I said aggressively, although it’s hard to be threatening when you’re agreeing with someone. “I’d like to see the Guildmaster for the Blacksmith’s Guild.”

  “Alright, let me just…” He bent down to get out the appropriate appointment book.

  “No,” I said, “I don’t want to make an appointment. I want to see him now. All you have to do is tell me if he’s here. And if he isn’t, who’s next in charge.”

  “Ah, well, I’m afraid that isn’t how—”

  I took out a dagger and delicately picked at my fingernails, which was both awkward and slightly painful. But it did give the receptionist pause for thought.

  “Is he in or not? A simple yes or no will do.”

  The receptionist blinked rapidly, paying close attention to the dagger. “Yes. Yes, I believe he is.”

  “You believe he is or he is? You weren’t too reliable last time we met, so you’ll understand why I’d like you to be specific.” I placed the tip of the dagger on his desk, where it immediately sank half-an-inch into the previously unblemished surface. “I killed a Mouse King once, you know. He wasn’t half as slippery as you.”

  Yes, I was bigging myself up. Throwing my weight around. Giving it large. All the things I usually went out of my way to avoid. Today, I wanted to attract attention. Why not? You should try everything once, except for incest and morris dancing.

  “That, ah, that was a misunderstanding, sir. No offence meant.” His smile had turned into a fixed grimace. The blinking-rate shot up. “The Guildmaster came in earlier. I signed-him in myself.”

  It was quite liberating to act the bully and watch people cower before me. I could see the appeal—as long as they didn’t call my bluff.

  “No problem,” I said, like I was letting him off the hook. “Now, inform them that I’m here and waiting. My name’s Colin. You never know, the Guildmaster might actually want to see me. All you need to do is your job. Properly.”

  “Ah, yes. Of course.” He hit the bell on his desk and before it finished dinging, a boy appeared at his elbow. The receptionist handed over a quickly scrawled note and sent him running off. “We should have a reply in a few moments. You can wait over—”

  “I’m fine here, thanks.” I remained standing right in front of him. What a dick. Bully Boy Colin, gimme your lunch money.

  It took about five minutes for us to get a response, and it wasn’t in written form. Patrick Swayze and the Road House crew came up the stairs, all swagger and sleeveless shirts. Their magnificently coiffured leader stood in front of me with his arms crossed.

  “You’re not going to start nagging me again, are you?” I said.

  “I. Do. Not. Nag.” He was very emphatic on this point.

  I looked past him at his men. They all made sure to avoid any head movements. “If you say so. We’re here to see your Guildmaster.”

  “Yes. He wants to see you, also. Alone.” He glared at Kizwat.

  KIzwat glared back. “Don’t think you can push me around, Ajay. I’m no longer unable to fight back.” He made a fist with his right hand and punched his left palm. The testosterone in the air increased exponentially. My fake hard man act looked pretty puny by comparison.

  The sight of Kizwat rehabilitated arm shocked the men, who most likely had been involved in crippling him in the first place.

  “Your arm… how?” Lion-O, whose name was Ajay, leaned forward, staring intensely at the arm.

  “Where I come from,” I said, “we’re good at fixing things. And breaking them, too. Hold out your hand and I’ll demonstrate.” I did my best to keep my voice casual and nonchalant, even though my natural inclination was to look for the first gap in the wall of muscle in front of me and make a run for it.

  Ajay, my bouffanted friend, uncrossed his arms and put his hands behind his back. The miraculous transformation of Kizwat’s arm seemed to have a profound effect on how he viewed me.

  “I suppose he can come with you,” said Ajay. “He won’t be able to go in with you to see the Guildmaster, though.”

  “Yes, well, we’ll see about that when we get there. Lead the way.”

  We could have made our own way to the guild office—Kizwat had been there many times and knew where to go—but I had no interest in sneaking around and turning up unannounced. Fine if we were doing a stealth mission, but this was more of a direct assault. Riskier, but less tedious.

  To be honest, I’ve always disliked those games where you have to hide behind desks and peek around corners, waiting for the security guard to look the other way so you can creep to the next hiding spot. Thrilling.

  This plan was all about fronting. Why would anyone be so brazen if they didn’t have something up their sleeve? And every time someone q
uestioned one of my ridiculous claims, the only play was to double-down and make an even more ridiculous one.

  You’re probably thinking the chances of this working weren’t good. But you never know, maybe I did have something up my sleeve.

  Of course, one punch to the face and it’d all be over.

  We went down six floors. It was early, so there weren’t that many people about. Some were neatly dressed, carrying files. Others, like our escorts, looked like enforcers for the Mafia. With so many guilds in one place, there was bound to be some argy-bargy. I wondered if there were any rival guilds I could get on my side if things went south and the blacksmiths refused to play ball.