Until Today

by Pam Fluttert

  “Thanks.” I walk back to the wooden swing that hangs from an old oak tree along the edge of our backyard. It’s been there since I turned three. The bright red paint peeled off long ago. The wood is gray and weathered from the sun.

  Dangling my legs and swaying back and forth on the swing, I turn off the hold button.

  “Hey, what’s up?” I ask.

  “Why aren’t you answering your cell? Forget it. Guess what!”

  No “hi” or “how are you” or anything. Just a breathless “guess what.” It must have something to do with Mike.

  “Hi to you too,” I reply.

  “Come on Kat, I don’t have much time.”

  “I give, Steph. What?”

  “You’ll never guess who called. Go ahead, guess.”

  For somebody who doesn’t have much time, Steph is being pretty dramatic. Trying to put as much enthusiasm into my voice as possible, I make my guess. “Mike?”

  Steph squeals so loud on the other end, I have to hold the phone away from my ear.

  “He asked me out, Kat. Can you believe it? Maybe he caught those vibes I was sending him in the cafeteria all week.”

  “I doubt it. I think he just has a thing for puppy dogs and noticed your sappy stare.” I struggle to hide my sarcasm, trying to keep my voice light and teasing.

  Steph giggles. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter. He called. I felt so stupid. I didn’t know what to say to him on the phone. But he still asked me out.”

  I can see Steph doing a happy dance around her bedroom. “That’s great,” I reply, trying to be happy for her.

  “I couldn’t believe it when he asked me what I’m doing tonight. He wants to go to that party we heard about all week. It’ll mainly be seniors.”

  The familiar burning in the back of my throat keeps me from replying at first. Steph knows this week has been difficult for me, and she promised to come over tonight for a movie and sleepover. I’ve been looking forward to it and had even hoped it would help some of the strain I’ve been feeling between us lately.

  “Kat, are you still there?”

  “Yeah.” My voice sounds croaky.

  “Kat, I’m sorry. I know I promised to come over but—”

  “It’s okay, Steph.” I cut her off before we both feel awkward over her cancelling. “You go ahead. Have fun tonight. I’m kind of beat, anyway. I’d probably be a drag and fall asleep early.”

  Steph’s laugh sounds forced. “You’re the best, Kat. Why don’t you come to the party? Mike knows a lot of people who will be there. I could use your company. I won’t know anybody.”

  The thought of tagging along on Steph’s date to a house full of drunken seniors doesn’t sound appealing.

  “Nope, count me out. I’m turning in early.”

  “Are you sure?” She doesn’t even wait for my answer before continuing. “I better go. I have to find something to wear.”

  “Yeah, you wouldn’t want my help there,” I reply, trying to break the ice.

  Steph laughs and hangs up.

  The dial tone drones in my ear, while I sway gently on the swing. Just like that she’s gone, and I’m spending Friday night alone. Not feeling up to spending the evening with Dad or Sarah, I put the phone in my pocket and walk past the clubhouse to the river.

  The breeze carries the smell of diesel fuel from the Thomas farm on the other side of the woods. A squirrel scampers by me with a cheek full of nuts and who knows what else for its winter collection. I step to the side to stay out of its path, careful to avoid any patches of poison ivy. Jared and I learned about poison ivy the hard way one summer.

  The smell of wet moss greets me as I emerge from the trees and stop on the riverbank, careful not to slip on the rocks. Sometimes, when the water level is low and it hasn’t rained for awhile, you can see to the river bottom where the carp sunbathe. The water is dark and murky today, hiding any fish that may be watching me below the surface.

  Thinking of Steph again, I throw a stone sideways and watch it skip across the water. The skips match the rhythm of the words that repeat in my head. I can’t believe she did that. She just dropped me for some guy. Some best friend she is. So much for loyalty and all that crap. One stupid phone call and some guy she barely knows is more important to her than me. Why did I let her off the hook so easy? Why didn’t I tell her how hurt I feel? Before I know it I’m crying.

  Because I don’t deserve any better.

  The river is quiet. The ripples from the stone spread across the water and disappear, as if they never existed. The stone is gone, swallowed up, never to be seen again. My arm is suspended in the air, another stone held tightly between my fingers.

  What if I just disappeared like that? Would anybody care?

  The river water becomes darker, and my head spins. The pictures come fast and furious. Greg is standing over me, pulling his zipper up. I’m seven years old again, staring at him with a mixture of fear and blind adoration.

  “You’re a very special girl. Nobody else loves you the way I do. You understand that, don’t you?”

  I nod, believing every word. He loves me. He wouldn’t lie.

  “That’s my Kitty Kat.” Greg rubs my cheek with his hand. “You can’t trust anyone like you can me – especially your daddy. He’ll be angry and think you’re bad if he finds out about our special love. He wouldn’t want you anymore.”

  My naïve heart breaks at Greg’s words. My world is shattered by the perceived betrayal of my father.

  The picture of Greg fades when the stone falls out of my hand with a sudden plop. I try to climb back into the present. I shiver at how real the scene felt and turn, half expecting to see Greg standing there beside me.

  “Get a grip,” I whisper, in an effort to shake off the eerie feeling. It’s like being haunted by myself as a child. The memories flood back and trap me when I least expect them.

  Even after Greg told me so many times when I was growing up that no one would like me if I told, I never really believed I could lose Jared or Steph. I’ve always been able to depend on them, but lately they haven’t been there for me.

  You’re weak and worthless.

  Staring at the water where the last stone sank to the bottom, I wonder why I’m here. Why was I put on this earth? The only one who seems to care about me is Greg. Could it be that I was put here for Greg? No! What he’s doing to me can’t be right.

  I launch another stone with all the force I can muster. The plop it makes, breaking through the water and sinking to the bottom, is gratifying. I had complete control over the stone before throwing it and it felt good. If only I had some control over my own life.

  A twig snapping behind me breaks into my thoughts. Spinning around, I look into Steph’s face.

  “Hey,” she says, a bit sheepishly, lowering her eyes to look at the ground.

  “Don’t you have a hot and heavy date?” I reply, failing to hide the sarcasm in my voice. She’s wearing a short, tight skirt and shirt. Every hair on her head is neatly arranged and cemented with hair spray so it won’t move.

  Steph shrugs and looks up at me. “Yeah, I do.”

  My hands fidget, but I don’t try to stop them. Let her see that I’m upset.

  “I was hoping you’d change your mind. I’d really like you to come to the party. It wouldn’t be any fun without you.”

  I start to thaw. Does she still need me? Then I recall our phone conversation and how quickly she ditched me for Mike, and the warm feeling fades.

  “I don’t think so, Steph. It’s not my thing.” I turn back to the river, pick up another stone and throw it, watching it skip across the surface before joining its friends on the bottom.

  “Please, Kat. I’m…well, I’m nervous and scared.”

  I skip another stone.

  “You alwa
ys were great at that,” she says.

  The corners of my mouth tilt slightly. I couldn’t hit a baseball to save my life, and I fell all over the soccer field when Jared and Scott tried to teach me to play. Give me a stone, though, and I could beat them all. Jared, Scott, and even Steph would practice by the hour to beat my record of eighteen skips, but none of them ever came close.

  The grass rustles behind me and Steph’s voice seems closer. “Please, Kat. You’re my best friend. I need you.”

  Gads. I needed to hear those words. The sweet sound of them softens my resolve to avoid the party.

  “Besides,” Steph continues, “I’m sure you don’t want to watch hockey with your dad and Greg tonight.”

  Confused, I turn to face Steph. “What’d you say? Greg’s here?”

  “Yeah, your mom and Amy were leaving when I walked over. Greg and your dad are here with Sarah, watching hockey. A night of male testosterone – yuck! Poor Sarah.”

  I should have known Greg would come with Amy. My desire to avoid him is far stronger than my dislike of going to the party.

  “I suppose somebody has to make sure you behave,” I say, shrugging and turning away from the river.

  How bad could the party be?

  Chapter Seven

  I haven’t seen Steph for at least an hour. I scan the smoky room from my spot on the couch, but still don’t see her. Where are you? I don’t want to fight my way through this mob by myself. Please come tell me you hate it here and want to go home.

  My view is blocked by a large butt that has stopped in front of me. Seeing past the cheeky mass is impossible. It sways every time I try to peek around it. I swear if I ever get out of here, I’ll never speak to Steph again.

  The guy beside me pokes his elbow into my ribs for the fifth time, while he wrestles with his buddy. If I don’t get some fresh air soon, I’ll burst. A bead of sweat trickles between my shoulder blades. After a few more minutes of Dodge-That-Butt, I poke it in frustration.

  No reaction. I poke again. “Hey, Butt Boy!” No response, but the blonde sitting on the arm of the couch giggles like an idiot.

  Glaring at the blonde, I get ready for a harder poke. Before I make contact, the butt falls toward me. With nowhere to escape on the crowded couch, I push myself as far back into the cushion as I can, before it crashes down.

  The impact of the landing pushes us both deep into the couch. Butt Boy falls across my lap, into the guy beside me, spilling his drink on the carpet and my white running shoes. The guy beside me loses his drink and it spills down the side of my yellow shirt.

  I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to let these people see me break down. I blink against the blur of tears, silently willing them to go away before anybody notices. Please let me wake up from this nightmare.

  I spot Steph, who’s being dragged across the room by Mike. Thank you! Finally, we can leave.

  “See? I told you not to worry,” Mike shouts at Steph. “She’s found her own friend.” He pulls Steph out of the room. She looks over her shoulder and mouths that she’s sorry before disappearing.

  With a sinking heart, I watch her go, leaving me alone in a room full of drunken strangers, with the largest one sprawled across my lap. How could she do this to me? I look away, wiping a tear off my cheek.

  “Ah, don’t cry, Babe. I love you,” slurs Butt Boy.

  Something snaps inside me. The shouts and loud music recede to a dull hum as I focus on my one and only goal – to find the front door and leave this awful place.

  With a mighty heave, I push the drunk off my lap and onto the floor. “Get off me, Bubble Butt.”

  I barge my way through the crowd, searching for Steph. Fingers dig into my arms and steady me when I stumble over some garbage. I look into the eyes of my rescuer and attempt to thank him. He cuts me off. “You look like you could use some strong hands tonight, Baby.”

  “In your dreams,” I shout and continue pushing my way through the crowd.

  The cigarette smoke burns my throat and my lungs are begging for unpolluted air. My shoes stick to the floor with every step. I should just leave Steph here. Why am I looking for her? She abandoned me. She doesn’t need me, so I don’t need her.

  Finally, I make it into the kitchen. An elbow digs into my breast and I’m shoved from behind. That’s it. I need out.

  I glance around. There’s a base for a cordless phone hanging on the wall, but no phone.

  “Anybody know where the phone is?” I shout over the din. Nobody answers.

  “Forget it,” I mumble and push my way to the front door.

  Outside, the house behind me pulses with life while I greedily suck in the fresh air.

  What now? It’s a long, cool walk home. Why didn’t I grab my cell phone before I came? I didn’t grab it because it was in the family room and I didn’t want to see Greg. The guy is making me afraid of going into my own house.

  I shiver when a breeze blows my wet shirt against me. I can’t stand out here all night.

  We passed a convenience store on the way here in Mike’s car. Maybe they have a phone I could use.

  The lights of the convenience store light up the night. A car pulls out of the parking lot and somebody shouts, “Hey, Beautiful, want to go for a ride?” Hoots and hollers come from inside the car and fade away as it turns the corner.

  There’s an old pay phone at the side of the building. I dig into my pocket for a quarter, relieved to find one. At least something has gone right tonight.

  Who should I call? I can’t call home with Greg there. He’d either come for me, or Dad would leave him alone with Sarah. The thought of either scenario makes me cringe.

  Scott – of course! I’ll call Scott. Please be home, I silently beg while dialling the phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Scott?” My voice sounds choked and breathless.

  “Kat?”

  “Yeah, it’s me. Can you come get me? Steph dragged me to this party, and now I’m stuck.”

  “What party? The one they’ve been talking about at school?”

  “Yeah, that one. Can you come?”

  “What were you thinking going there? Forget it. I’m not coming out there.”

  “Please, Scott. I don’t want to call my dad and I just need to get out of here.”

  After a pause that feels like an eternity, Scott says he’ll be there in a few minutes.

  I tell him where to find me and walk into the store to wait. The cashier glances suspiciously at me while I stand just inside the door. Finally, Scott pulls up in his mom’s van and I slip into the passenger seat. “Thanks, Scott. I wanted out of there so bad.”

  “Where’s Steph?”

  “She’s still there with Mike.” I turn toward the side window, unable to stand the look of disappointment on Scott’s face.

  “You mean Mike Turner?” Scott asks.

  “Yeah, that’s him. She’s been mooning over him all week.”

  “He’s bad news. What’s she doing with him?”

  I turn toward Scott, annoyed. “How should I know? She was fine when I left.”

  “Why would you let her be with him? That crowd only wants to party, drink, and smoke up.”

  I lean back against the headrest, trying to ignore Scott’s lecture. My whole body feels tired. My muscles no longer want to function and I can almost feel myself floating when I close my eyes.

  The van rolls forward to pull out of the parking lot.

  “Are you sure she’s okay?” Scott’s tone has changed, as if he’s finally clued in to my mood.

  I look over at him and nod. “She’s a big girl, Scott. She’s fine. She wants to be there.” He’s obviously concerned for his sister.

  Scott stops the van at a red light and glances at me. “At least one of you had enough bra
ins to leave before things got out of control.” My eyes fall shut again. “You okay? You look beat.”

  “Yeah, it’s been a rough week. I could sleep for two days straight.”

  “I’m sorry. I guess I haven’t been around much. I should’ve been there for you more with Jared leaving and everything.”

  “Yeah, Jared leaving, my parents—” Greg.

  “Anything I can do?”

  He looks so sincere and concerned. None of his earlier annoyance is showing now.

  I shake my head and whisper, “Just be my friend.” For the first time in a while, I feel safe and warm.

  A comfortable silence wraps around us. The night feels peaceful. My muscles relax and I sink into the van’s seat. Closing my eyes, my mind lets go, and I drift off to sleep.

  “Hey, we’re home.” Scott’s hand presses into my shoulder. Surfacing, I see Scott’s dark, chocolate-colored eyes staring at me. He’s always had the kindest, warmest eyes. Never once have they turned cold and calculating like Greg’s.

  Why does Greg always have to pop into my head? Why does everything come back to him?

  Awkwardly jerking the van door open, I turn to thank Scott. I pause when he puts his hand on my arm.

  “What just freaked you out?” Scott sounds so sincere, like he really cares and wants to help. Until now, nobody has asked me what’s wrong. Nobody has been concerned. Nobody has cared.

  If you tell, nobody will believe you. If you tell, I’ll hurt Sarah. If you tell, your father will be mad at you, Kat. You’ll be the bad girl, Kat, like always. It’s your fault, Kat. I can hurt you, Kat. You know they’ll blame you, Kat. You can’t even talk to them without arguing.

  “Kat?” Scott’s fingers tighten on my arm.

  Greg’s voice grows louder. Kat, you’re my special girl. Kat, nobody can know about how special you are – they’ll be jealous and try to hurt you. Let me hold you. I can make you feel better.

  “Don’t touch me!” I yell. I can’t separate the touch on my arm from Greg’s voice in my head.

  Jerking free, I open the door and run down the driveway onto the road. A horn honks and headlights arc around me. I feel like I’m not really here, and this can’t be happening.