by Petrova, Em
“Should we go in?”
The thankfulness Caroline felt immediately disappeared. Ludvig’s voice was steady, even cheerful, as if the memory of Niklas’s presence had simply disappeared. Suddenly, Caroline was angry, though she wasn’t sure if it was Ludvig she should be angry at. Still, Caroline couldn’t hold it back.
“No, Ludvig,” she said slowly. “No, we shouldn’t go in. This is clearly not a good time.”
“What do you mean?” he said, his voice taking an authoritative tone. “We’re leaving for Spain. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? You need this.”
His last words dug into her. How did he know that? Caroline felt the weight of his leverage—and understood this was his intent. If he hadn’t before, he had earned her anger now, she decided.
“No, Ludvig,” she said with more steadiness than she felt, “I don’t need it. And I’m not going to Spain.”
Those were the words she should have said to him before, and the relief at having finally said them was physical. How could she have promised otherwise?
The look on his face had transformed into anger once again, and she briefly wondered how often this change happened. His façade was more carefully cultivated than Niklas’s, but there was something that felt more unpredictable about Ludvig now.
“How can you back out of this?” he said through clenched teeth. “You made a commitment. We can’t find someone else this late.”
The more he pushed her, the more Caroline was sure she had made the right decision. She took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry I’m letting you down, and I appreciate everything you’ve done to help me out since I came to Stockholm. As for finding a replacement, it’s only been a few days since you asked me to come. I assume your team had a plan before that.”
Ludvig was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “What do you see in him?”
He waited for her to answer, but when she didn’t, he said, “I get that he’s rich and he has a brute appeal, the way he likes to throw around his strength, but I didn’t think you were someone who could fall for that. How long will that last? He’ll never care about anything but his own success. That’s how they all are.”
Though she had heard these lines before, they still affected her. Caroline stood, paralyzed on the sidewalk, listening to the angry hiss of his tirade. And though nothing about the Niklas she knew matched the person Ludvig was describing, his words still grated into her, ripping through all the warmth and closeness of the evening.
Ludvig seemed to sense that he had struck a nerve, and he took a step toward her.
“He doesn’t care about your career, about what makes you happy,” he said, quieter now. “You can never be more than an adoring fan to him, and one day he’ll grow tired of that, even if you don’t.”
His last comments cut even deeper than the ones before. This man who barely knew her was spinning the worst possible version of her life. But if even Ludvig could see these problems, didn’t that imply a truth to them?
Caroline closed her eyes and swallowed back the tears that were threatening to spill over. When she opened them again, Ludvig was even closer. Then he took her hand and held it.
“He doesn’t deserve you,” said Ludvig softly.
“I’m not some sort of prize that a man does or doesn’t deserve,” she said.
Caroline pulled her hand out of his and walked over to the door of her building. The cold, still air of the stone hallway hit her as she walked through the darkness, not bothering to turn on the lights. Slowly, she lifted her feet up the stairs until she came to her floor. She stopped in the middle of her hallway, just outside Niklas’s door. She listened for a long time. Finally she heard something from deep inside, a muffled sound, low. She waited for more. Nothing. Then, through the staircase window, she saw a distant flash of lightening, followed by a low rumble of thunder. It must have been thunder that she had heard. Niklas wasn’t coming to find her after the scene on the street, and she certainly wasn’t going after him.
Caroline unlocked her door and slipped into the dark apartment. Only after the door had closed behind her did she let her tears finally fall. She leaned against the wall, her mind replaying each of the decisions—her decisions—that had led to this moment, right here. She let the tears fall until she was tired of crying.
She was ready for this night to be over, but Ludvig’s words still wouldn’t leave her alone. He doesn’t care about your career. You can never be more than an adoring fan to him.
Caroline walked into the kitchen and opened up her laptop. She found the next flight to Brindisi: Sunday at 6:30 am. This was her flight. Early in the morning, so the standby seat she needed would certainly be available. The trip to Spain was off now. She had turned in her second and last article from Sweden. The apartment would be gone tomorrow. She was fairly certain that her pass into the hockey games had disappeared when she said goodbye to Ludvig. All the practical pieces that had made her life in Stockholm work for the last weeks had suddenly disappeared. There was no more putting off her trip, wondering what would happen if she stayed around. The pieces she was juggling had all crashed around her, and the only one left was her magazine job. She couldn’t stay.
Caroline had hoped that this would somehow all work itself out, that she could somehow have Niklas and everything she wanted for herself, too. But in her rush to grab at everything, she hadn’t truly thought about how her decisions would affect anyone else. And she had hurt Niklas along the way. If she stayed longer, Caroline was sure that the same thing would happen again and again.
She took out her pen and slowly wrote the flight details on a piece of paper. Then she closed her computer and stared out the window, waiting for the same physical relief that she had felt outside with Ludvig, the relief the right decision would bring. The feeling didn’t come. Another bolt of lightning flashed through the kitchen window, this one closer, and the sharp clap of thunder rattled the dishes in the cupboards. It was long past dark, but Caroline was far from sleep.
Chapter Nineteen
“Tomorrow?” said Veronica, eyes wide. “But you can’t go yet. You can stay with Filip and me.”
They were sitting, for the last time, across from each other in Caroline’s kitchen, each holding a cup of coffee.
“I have to leave now, while I still can.”
“Forget Niklas. Let’s think about me,” said Veronica with mock exasperation. “What if I’m not ready for you to go?”
Veronica’s straight face only lasted for a second, and then her smile was so warm and tender than Caroline couldn’t help but smile back. She scooted her chair over next to Veronica’s and put her arm around her friend. But when Caroline released her, she saw something besides amusement in Veronica’s face. It was a rare glimpse of sadness in her friend’s eyes. Caroline felt it too. Veronica was still her best friend, despite the fact that they had gone without speaking for years after college. All those years Caroline had missed her, though she hadn’t quite realized it until she came to Stockholm.
“I’m just worried I’ll do something stupid if I stay around any longer,” said Caroline, staring down at the steaming cup in front of her.
“Like throw yourself at an incredibly hot, wealthy guy who is clearly into you?” said Veronica with a wicked smile. “I can imagine worse mistakes.”
“I don’t know if he’s rich,” said Caroline, considering the idea. “I don’t think all professional athletes are overflowing with money.”
“Come on,” chuckled Veronica. “He bought an apartment here in Vasastan, one of the most beautiful areas of Stockholm, just because he would be playing here this summer. He’s certainly comfortable.”
Caroline looked doubtful.
“Okay, maybe,” she said and then gave Veronica a little smile. “You’ve certainly changed your tune about Niklas. It wasn’t so long ago that you were warning me to stay away from him.”
“These are selfish interests speaking. I want to have you around here a little lon
ger,” laughed Veronica. Then she added, “And I saw you two leaving last night. You looked… I’ve never seen you look at anyone like that before.”
Caroline closed her eyes and let flashes of the night before run through her: the way he watched her across the restaurant table, the feeling of his arms gathering her closer against the cold evening air, his body, hot and urgent against hers in the school entryway. And the sudden absence of his hand on her hips as Ludvig spoke to her.
“Then you clearly didn’t see us come home last night,” she said, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice.
“What happened? Found you had nothing to talk about when you’re that far from the bedroom?”
Caroline took a playful swipe at her friend. Even now, Veronica could make her smile.
“No, nothing like that,” she said. “Being together with him was wonderful, complicated but wonderful, up until the end.”
Caroline gave Veronica a few snippets of the evenings: the woman with the phone number, the dinner, the article, the view of the sunset, though leaving out the details from the walk, all the way up to Ludvig’s appearance.
“He wrote an article saying Niklas is a liability to the Swedish national team?” said Veronica, eyes wide.
“Or any team. Like he was going after Niklas’s career.”
“Dios mio,” said Veronica softly.
They both sat quietly for a long time. Finally, Veronica sighed and took a sip of her coffee.
“What you and Niklas need is some time together with no one else around. A week on a deserted island in the archipelago, to let the magic of love do its work.” Veronica drew out those last words, exaggerating her Mexican accent enough to make them both dissolve in laughter again.
“That’s actually what Niklas suggested, though not quite in those words,” said Caroline when she finally recovered. “And believe me, there’s nothing I want more right now than a few more days with him, preferably naked.”
Veronica smiled.
“Can’t you just fly down to Italy, do a couple quick interviews and then come back up?”
Caroline shook her head.
“Not if I don’t have a lot more money. My ticket only goes East, so once I leave here, I can’t get back without buying another ticket. Which I really can’t afford.”
Her mind ran through all the scenarios where she stayed with Niklas, looking for one where she wasn’t sacrificing her job. There were none. Wasn’t this the same choice she had faced with Brad just a couple months ago? But this time, the temptation to stay came in a package that was almost irresistible. Niklas was certainly no Brad.
The smile had faded from her face. “Believe me, I’ve been over this in my mind a hundred times. What comes next? It’ll get harder and harder to leave, but I have to leave sometime unless I’m willing to give up all my plans. And as someone wisely told me, I shouldn’t feel like I’m abandoning a piece of myself.”
Veronica studied her for a moment. “But aren’t you abandoning a piece of yourself by leaving Niklas?”
Veronica’s statement weighed into her, and Caroline knew it was true, a truth she had tried hard to avoid. Either way, staying or leaving, it felt like she was tearing a piece of herself away. Caroline had been telling herself that she hadn’t known Niklas for very long, that this raw desire for him would fade as quickly as it had come on, but now she wasn’t so sure.
Caroline felt tears well up, and she swallowed hard to keep them in. Finally, she said, “Well, what am I supposed to do with that?”
“Oh, Carolita,” said Veronica, putting her arms around Caroline’s shoulders, squeezing her tightly. “You can always come back after your trip, right? I’ll still be here.”
Caroline hugged her friend back.
“Thanks for everything,” she whispered. Then she jumped up.
“Wait here. I almost forgot something.”
Caroline ran to the bedroom and grabbed a flat, rectangular package wrapped in heavy brown paper. She walked back into the kitchen and placed it in front of Veronica.
“As a thank you for the interview,” she said. “The piece went over really well, and it started a lot of traffic towards the site.”
Veronica pulled off the paper and lifted the frame out. Caroline had taken the photo in the coffee shop during the second half of their interview. Veronica was looking to the side, her infectious laugh glowing on her face. Against the blurry backdrop of blond heads, her jet-black hair sparkled in the sun. She looked beautiful.
“I hope you like it,” Caroline added, blushing.
Veronica nodded, tears spilling from her eyes.
“I love it. You know I haven’t laughed this often in years,” she said, looking at her photo. “But you’re right. You shouldn’t give up your trip, either.”
Veronica stood up.
“I have to go. I was supposed to meet Filip at his business dinner 10 minutes ago,” she said. “Are you sure you’ll be okay? If I knew you were leaving today, I would have canceled.”
Veronica gave her one last hug and then wrapped her photo back up.
“I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to leave,” she said as they made their way back down the hallway. “Please come back. You can stay with us, or I’ll find you another place to stay.”
Caroline nodded and kissed her friend on the cheek as Veronica opened the door.
But instead of swinging open, the door came to a stop, and they heard a grunt from behind it.
“Niklas,” said Caroline, peeking around the heavy door. He was holding the foot that she had apparently just crashed into when she opened the door.
Veronica gave Caroline’s hand a last squeeze before she slipped out and disappeared down the stairs.
“I was trying to decide if I should knock,” he said, turning red.
“Clearly you should have,” she said, gesturing at his foot.
He snorted and gave a reluctant smile.
“I’m so sorry, Niklas,” she said. “I should have told you as soon as I realized it was Ludvig. I wasn’t really trying to hide anything. We just had so little time, and I didn’t want anything else to ruin it. Apparently, I keep making the same mistake again and again.”
He leaned against her door frame so that he was now only inches away from her.
“You’re stealing my apology,” he said softly. “I wanted the night to just be us, no more complications. But when I saw that little shit and put everything together, I had to leave before I did something really stupid.”
He brushed a stray lock of hair off her face and gently placed his hand on the base of her neck.
“And I do understand that covering the football championships in Spain is a career opportunity you can’t pass up,” he said. Then with a dry smile he added, “Or at least, I’m trying to understand that.”
Caroline shook her head.
“I’m not going,” she said. “I told Ludvig last night.”
Niklas raised his eyebrows.
“So you’re staying?” he said, confused. The hope in his voice cut into her.
She shook her head again and then opened her mouth to speak.
“Wait,” he said gently.
Then he lowered his mouth to hers and met her with soft, warm lips. Her arms found his shirt and hung on, pulling him closer. She felt the hunger that lurked behind his slow kiss, his reminder, I am yours if you will have me, and it echoed through her body.
“I just wanted to do that before you tell me again that you’re leaving me,” he whispered.
She nodded, not yet ready to speak. She found his hand and led him inside, closing the door behind them. They walked slowly down the hall, Caroline’s fingers dissolving in his warm hand.
“Packing?” he said, glancing into the bedroom at the single suitcase next to her bed.
“Packed,” she said and then turned to face him. “I’m leaving tomorrow. The flight to Brindisi leaves at 6:30 am.”
Caroline watched Niklas’s jaw clench. He swallowed o
nce, twice, but didn’t let go of her hand. She reached up to touch his cheek. His hair was still damp from the shower, and his skin was warm and smooth. His lips came to meet hers again in another long, slow kiss, pressing her back against the door frame.
“If I don’t leave now, I’ll never be able to pull myself away from you,” she said softly when she broke away.
“Then don’t,” he whispered back in her ear. “Stay here. With me.”
The feeling was almost too powerful to resist.
“Oh, God, Niklas, I want so much to say yes. I just met you a few weeks ago, and I’m ready to give up the dream job I’ve waited so long for just to be near you. Just for the chance that something might work. That’s what worries me.”
Niklas’s blue eyes were heavy on her, and she tried not to look away.
“A few weeks is enough time to decide if you want something,” he said. His voice was soft and even. “And I want you. That’s not going to change.”
Caroline’s whole body sagged under this simple declaration. The discussion was harder than she had thought it would be. She wasn’t quite sure what she had expected. That he would get angry? That he would walk out? But however she had thought the discussion would go, it wasn’t like this. And she had no idea how to put into words the two opposing forces that were tearing at her inside. Caroline closed her eyes and tried anyways.
“Niklas, I started on this trip because I was tired of making choices for all the wrong reasons. I’ve dreamed about this kind of adventure for as long as I can remember. I wanted to go far away for college, but my parents weren’t ready for me to leave. And then Veronica and I planned to travel after college, but I canceled my plans to be with a guy who wanted something different. Now that I’ve finally gotten myself back on track, you come along, and the temptation to stay is a thousand times more powerful than it ever was before, even though I’m only just getting to know you,” she said, now staring up at him. “It’s tearing me up. Do you understand? It doesn’t mean that I can’t come back to Stockholm, but I can’t give this up just because I’m falling—”
Caroline stopped and looked down. Niklas pulled her head into his chest and smoothed her hair over the back of her head and down her shoulders. She felt dizzy, but he held her there, listening to the thump of his heart in his chest, until her breath matched his own, slow draws. Then he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently.