by Petrova, Em
“I’m trying to understand,” he said, his forehead to hers, “I won’t ask you to stay anymore. But I can’t promise I won’t use other methods to convince you.”
Caroline caught a glimpse of a mischievous smile before he bent down to catch her earlobe in his mouth. She heard a sound leave her mouth as his lips moved down her neck, something between a sigh and a moan, and she could feel his smile on her.
“I can’t believe I wasted last night thinking about you leaving instead of doing this,” he said into her ear.
“Will you spend my last night in Stockholm with me?” she asked as her hands tangled into his hair.
He stood up and gave her a wry smile.
“Does that mean we have to go out tonight?”
Caroline laughed and shook her head.
“Your way tonight,” she said.
He raised an eyebrow, and when he spoke, his voice had turned low and husky.
“My way?”
She nodded.
“Be careful what you promise me,” he said and lifted her before she could respond. Moments later, Caroline was lying on her bed with Niklas’s arms wrapped tightly around her, his body skimming hers. Just for the sake of experiment she tried to move but was surprised at how easily he held her in place under him. He groaned in satisfaction at her attempts to move. One hand reached under her shirt and teased at her nipple.
“My way, huh?”
“I’M GOING TO miss this place,” said Caroline as she took the last glass Niklas had washed and dried it. She placed the glass in the cupboard and then shut the door.
“You’ve never met Tommy and Annika?” Niklas asked.
“No, but I feel like I know them from these pictures,” she said, gesturing to the photo wall behind the table. “I think I’d rather keep it that way. Sometimes ideas are better than reality.”
Niklas looked at her and shook his head. “But most aren’t. Reality is messier, but it can be much better because it’s something you can share, not just your own.”
Caroline wasn’t sure how to respond to this. His voice was kind, but this comment felt deliberately pointed. He wasn’t going to let her go easily.
Instead of answering, she surveyed the room for any stray belongings. The only thing left of hers in the room was her laptop, sitting open on the kitchen table, in the exact same spot where it was the last time Niklas came over. She could see he was now staring at it, too.
The photo of him and the woman was still clear in her mind, and yet she hadn’t looked at it since the night he had come. Caroline had wanted to ask him about it but still hadn’t. Was she scared? She was fairly sure that wasn’t why she had waited. She had put off asking him for the same reason she had put off telling him about her trip to Spain: because she didn’t want reality to come crashing into the magical world she was trying to create with him. But reality was coming, only hours away, and if she didn’t ask now, she might never hear Niklas’s story.
Caroline took a deep breath.
“Can I ask you something?”
He crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter, staring at a point far away. He seemed to know what was coming.
“Whatever you’d like,” he said after a while.
“What happened back in Detroit?” she said softly. “That photo I saw in the news. Of you and that woman.”
Niklas’s face tightened. Yes, he had known it was coming, but the question still clearly hurt when she asked.
“I told you it wasn’t true,” he said.
Caroline shook her head. “I didn’t read the article. But I want to know what really happened.”
Niklas looked at her carefully.
“I met her after a game at a bar some of us went to. There’s a lot of that,” he said, keeping his eyes on her.
“Women coming home with you?” Caroline had meant to sound light, joking, but she could hear the tint of resentment in her voice.
“Are you sure you want to hear this?” His voice was controlled. “Because it gives me no pleasure to tell you.”
Caroline closed her eyes and nodded.
“Stephanie was her name. I came home with her a few times after the games. There’s something about playing hard that makes—“ He looked at her and stopped.
But he didn’t have to finish his sentence. She had felt it the other night. The rough, primal urge to dominate. The memory raised the flush in her face, something Niklas couldn’t have missed. But the immediate desire rubbed raw as Caroline contemplated this a little further.
“So you invited women in after a game so you could sleep better?”
He stared at her again. “I can’t blame you for not liking what you hear, but I’m trying to be honest with you.” He gave a frustrated sigh and waited. Then he added, “But I didn’t invite women back to my place. I didn’t want it to be that… personal.”
They were both silent. It occurred to her that he had invited her in. She wasn’t sure if he had said this to make her feel better, but it didn’t.
Finally, he said, “Do you want me to continue?”
“Yes,” she said. Caroline took a deep breath and nodded at Niklas again.
Niklas looked out the window.
“It wasn’t the first time with her, but I think Stephanie could feel that whatever was between us wasn’t going to turn into anything more. She never told me what she wanted or expected, but I just knew she wasn’t happy with the way things were going. A better man would have brought it up, but that didn’t occur to me at the time, either.” Niklas looked back at her, his voice betraying emotion for the first time.
“Stephanie called me up one day and told me that I had to come over. I made some excuse, but she said it was important, something had happened. I could hear she was upset, but I agreed to come for the worst reason possible. I was hoping this would be a good opportunity to break things off with her.” He gave a humorless laugh.
“When she opened her door, she was… you saw the photo,” he said quietly. “I asked her who had done that to her, and she told me it was Kevin Bauer. One of my teammates. I hadn’t shown up after the game, so she went home with him instead.
“I didn’t want to hear any more. There’s just no way to make any of this sound good, but I didn’t want to know how something like that could happen. Because the truth is that as much as I know I’d never do anything like that, I’m scared of myself sometimes.”
Niklas stood next to her with his eyes closed, quiet, so long that Caroline began to wonder if he wasn’t going to continue. Then he took a deep breath and spoke again.
“I tried to get Stephanie to call the police, but she wouldn’t. No police, she said. She wanted me to take care of it for her instead. She wanted me to go after Bauer. And when I told her I wouldn’t, she called me a coward. Told me I was just as bad as he was.”
Niklas ran his hand through his hair.
“Maybe I was. Should I have gone after him? Was that the right thing to do?”
Niklas shook his head, the corners of his mouth turned down.
“I did convince her to go to the hospital, and I stayed with her while she got her face checked out. Nothing broken, so they sent her home. But someone must have seen me there, because when we came out of the hospital, there were photographers waiting. That’s what you saw.”
Caroline looked at him carefully. “Why didn’t you respond to the story? Why didn’t you say you had nothing to do with it?”
Even as the words came out of her mouth, she knew the answer to her question. She knew a public denial wouldn’t help.
Niklas shook his head. “And do what? Accuse Bauer? Even if I had wanted to, Stephanie wouldn’t have gone along with it. No, I didn’t say anything because it wouldn’t have mattered, especially with my reputation on the ice.
“And you know what Bauer did? He thanked me. Like I had helped him out, like I had kept my mouth shut out of loyalty to him. And that felt like shit, too. Then, after a game a few months later, I saw them together a
gain in the bar.”
Finally he looked back at her.
“So now you know,” he said, though his words sounded more like a challenge than a statement. As if to say, what do you think of me now?
Caroline laced one hand in his and held tight until his fingers found their way around hers as well.
“Thank you for telling me,” she said.
“The hockey and everything that goes along with it—that’s part of who I am, Caroline,” he said, looking at her even harder. “And I don’t know what that makes me.”
She lifted his hand to her mouth and kissed it.
“You’re not the same as that guy,” she whispered. “You’re not Bauer.”
Niklas pulled her into him so tightly she could barely breathe. He mumbled something in Swedish into the top of her head as he fit her deeper into him. She stayed that way for a long time, a part of him, listening to his heart race inside his chest, and him a part of her, too, until she felt him stir against her. He broke off with an amused look.
“I just told you about the worst time of my life, and still I can’t stop thinking about how much I want you,” he chuckled. “What are you doing to me?”
Caroline raised her eyebrows.
“The same thing you’re doing to me,” she said with a inviting smile.
He pulled her against him one more time and said, “Let’s go over to my place while I’m still your neighbor.”
Caroline let go of him and grabbed her laptop from the table. She looked around the kitchen one more time. She walked down the hall, surveying each room for her stray possessions. These were rooms she would never see again, rooms where she had been happy. Really happy.
Caroline felt Niklas’s hand on her shoulder, and she swallowed hard.
“I’ll get your suitcase,” he said, kissing her softly on her neck.
She stood at the edge of the living room for another minute and then walked back down the long hallway. It was time to leave. The ticking of the kitchen clock echoed as she walked to the apartment door, counting down the minutes they had left together.
“Thank you,” she said as Niklas held the door open for one last look. She closed the door slowly and locked it behind her.
“I’m going down to drop the keys off in Veronica’s mail slot,” she said quietly.
When she returned up the steps, Niklas was waiting for her. He put his arms around her again and squeezed her tight. Then he took her hand, and they walked across the hall.
“How about dinner?” he said. “Thai delivery?”
“Your way, remember?” she smiled up at him.
He raised his eyebrows.
“How could I forget?”
“CAN I TAKE a few photos of you?” she said as Niklas cleared away the last of the dishes.
His face hardened immediately.
“They don’t have to be straight-on,” she said quickly. “Not even your face if you don’t want that. They’re just for me.”
He nodded slowly and unclenched his jaw.
“Whatever you want,” he said softly.
“Whatever I want?” she said, smiling. She stood up and walked over to his chair, stopping between his legs, only inches from him.
Finally, he laughed and got up, towering over her once more.
“Yes, whatever you want,” he said, catching her lips with his.
She led him into the living room, still decorated with unopened moving boxes. And the red carpet. Her breath quickened at her memory of Niklas and her on that carpet. But he was distracted.
“In here?” he asked, looking around.
“Yes,” she said, “by those doors.”
Caroline pointed to the long, glass doors that led out onto his courtyard balcony.
“Can you move that box over a little and sit on it?” she said.
He looked inside it and nodded.
“It’s books,” he said with a smile. “Probably won’t be crushed under my weight, but not guaranteed.”
“Okay. Sit facing the doors,” she said. “No, more to the side.”
He wore an amused look as he turned.
“You’re all business. You like telling me what to do, don’t you?”
She turned red and laughed.
“Maybe. Sometimes.”
He nodded, still smiling, and turned his head to face the doors again.
“How’s this?”
“Perfect,” she said. “Now just relax and get comfortable while I go find my camera.”
When she returned, he was resting his forearms on his knees, staring out the window in front of him.
“Don’t move,” she whispered as she removed her lens cap.
She approached him slowly, taking the shot from different distances and different angles.
“Okay,” she said. “Now just do whatever is comfortable.”
She walked closer, close enough so that she caught a bit of his profile from the back, with only hints of the wide muscles along his shoulders and arms. She stopped, and the camera fell around her neck.
This man was hers. Hers until tomorrow morning, when she would get on a plane and leave him. She had tried so hard not to think about this, telling herself that there would be time to think about it later, but at that moment it hit her in long, hard sobs.
Niklas turned around.
“No, no,” he said softly, standing up.
He gently lifted her camera from around her neck and set it on the moving box. Then he gathered her in his arms and brought her over to the couch. He held her there, against the warmth of his body, stroking her hair. He let her cry and spoke softly in words she couldn’t understand. He ran his hand down her arm and along her hips and thighs until her tears stopped. Then he wrapped his arms around her again and held her into him. Caroline felt him aroused under her.
She felt it, too—the sudden and urgent need to connect with him in the most basic, most primitive way possible.
“I want you now, Niklas,” she whispered.
He released her slightly to get a look at her face.
“Are you sure?” he whispered. She could feel his body tightening underneath her.
“Very sure.”
He let her go and began to move his hands along her arms, but she shook her head.
“This time, I want to explore,” she said softly.
The words seemed to pulse through him, but he lowered his hands.
“As you wish,” he whispered in her ear.
Slowly, she lifted his shirt, taking in each inch of skin she revealed, running her hands over his stomach, tasting his salty-sweet skin. His muscles responded to her touch, twisting and contracting as she discovered where the ripples of his stomach met the hard planes of his chest. He helped her lift his shirt over his head, revealing the bulging muscles of his shoulders. They were firm and hot to the touch.
“Stand up,” she said, shifting off him. Then she smiled. “Please.”
Niklas stood up and opened his mouth to respond, but her hands on the button of his jeans seemed to stop whatever words were coming. Instead, a torn groan escaped from his mouth. Caroline smiled and continued her slow expedition down his body, unzipping his jeans. She knelt down to remove the last of his clothing, leaving his very aroused body in front of her. She let her hand settle around his thick, hard erection, feeling its throbbing weight in her hand. She looked up, but his eyes were closed, and his jaw was clamped down hard.
Suddenly he grabbed her shoulders.
“I think that’s quite enough,” he growled.
Caroline gave him a wicked smile.
“Not even close,” she said, releasing him, “but you can sit down on the couch.”
She yanked off her clothes and then moved to stand between his parted legs. But that didn’t last. She felt Niklas’s hands around her hips, pulling her down so she straddled him. They were face to face, their bodies meeting, with the hard length of him pulsing against her belly. Her body urged her to go on, to guide him deep inside her, to fill hersel
f with him. And so she did.
At that moment, nothing else mattered. Slowly she sank onto him, allowing her body to adjust to his impossible thickness. She met Niklas’s eyes, dark and full of emotion. There was pleasure there, but there was more. His eyes held fire and sadness and something else. He must have seen something, too, because for moment, neither of them moved.
“I don’t want this to end,” she whispered.
She lifted her hips, and as she came back down, he thrust hard into her. She cried out with pleasure. He grabbed her hips firmly and lifted her again, moving her up the entire length of him before pulling her back down onto him. This time, he let out his own low groan. She never wanted this to end, but the pleasure was building so fast that she could no longer lift herself alone. He raised her to meet him, over and over. Her body was no longer attached to her own separate will but joined with his. He gave another groan, thrusting deeper into her, pushing her to the edge with a look beyond the boundaries of the physical.
“Oh, Niklas, please.”
The words spilled out of her mouth as he pulled her back down onto him. She didn’t even know what she was begging for anymore. She twisted and tasted and pulled him closer, wanting more of him, all of him, as she gave all of herself to him. There was no way back from this.
Chapter Twenty
Niklas lowered his forehead onto hers. His sweat was on her skin, and she breathed him in. His still body enclosed hers, and she didn’t want him to move. Ever. He whispered something to her in Swedish, a language that had now begun to take on meaning. She traced his lips with her fingers.
“What do those words mean?” she asked.
“They’re promises.”
“Will you tell me what they are?” she whispered.
“Will you come back to me?”
His words fell onto her. Caroline closed her eyes and let them sink in. At the point of ecstasy, she had begged him for more than release, and he knew it. She had begged him for the impossible—to somehow solve the opposing pulls she felt, to allow her to get everything she wanted. But at this moment, she realized that in some ways this was worse for him: While she was choosing between two things she wanted, if she left, he ended up with nothing. She was hurting him.