by Petrova, Em
“Anyway, the cops said there was some kind of APB on the car or something. Like it’s been picked up as having something to do with drugs.”
Nick’s brow furrows. He still looks kind of cross with me. “And…?”
“And they searched the car and me. It was pretty scary,” I admit. “I don’t think they found anything but I’ve got to wait for the car to be processed. What I don’t get is why there would be a marker on it? Surely there would be some reason for them to believe it was involved in drug dealing? And, Nick, you know that used to be Rob’s car.”
“So?” He keeps his gaze ahead as he navigates the streets. I glance at my watch. It’s nearly eleven p.m. but there’s still plenty of traffic on the street, I guess ‘cause it’s the weekend.
“Nick,” I say, exasperated. I need answers. “Was Rob doing drugs or selling them or something?” His face remains blank. “Nick, if you know something, please tell me. I don’t want to remain in the dark about my husband.”
He visibly winces at the word. Why does that hurt him? He rubs his head and rakes his free hand through his hair before securing me briefly with a serious expression. “Rob didn’t take drugs.”
“Okay…” I can hear the ‘but’ in his tone.
“I think he dealt.”
My hand goes to my mouth. Drug dealing? What the hell…? How could I have been so blind? I fight to find some words to respond. Did I ever really know Rob? I don’t understand how he could have been doing something like that without me knowing. But I don’t think I ever knew him well. Not until the day he tried to strangle me. “Do you… do you know for sure?”
“Let’s just say, a guy got caught using and he named Rob as his dealer. No one could prove it and you know Rob could talk his way out of anything.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“What could I have said? He was your husband, Sienna, and your marriage had nothing to do with me. How could I barrel in and just tear apart your marriage over rumors?”
“No, that’s right. Protect your own, right?” I cringe at my bitter tone.
“Actually I thought I was protecting you.”
God, could I feel any more of a bitch? I wait a few moments and try to get my words straight in my mind. “You’re right and I’m sorry. All of this has left me so confused. It just feels like I’ve had one shock after the other recently.”
“I know.”
“And I know I haven’t dealt with… everything very well.”
“I know.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You’re not going to make this easy on me are you?”
His lips twist into a wry smile. “Should I?”
“I don’t know what you want from me, Nick, but I really can’t offer much at the moment. I’m sorry I messed up and said some stupid things. I didn’t express myself well. But I really need you as a friend right now. I don’t want to lose that.” I put on my most imploring face. “Please?”
He shakes his head slowly as if he can’t believe he’s even listening to me. “Damn it, don’t look at me like that.” His face relaxes and I notice his grip loosen on the wheel slightly. “Of course we can be friends. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let things slide. I do want more. And I know you do too. I guess you’re just going to take some convincing.”
Why oh why does that idea thrill me so much? I release a little laugh but don’t argue. We’ve reached a kind of tentative peace and I sense our usual bantery relationship slipping into place.
“Don’t get your hopes up,” I say with a grin to try to soften the blow. I mean it and feel like I have to say it but I don’t want to break our truce.
“Babe, you forget just how determined I can be. When I want something, I get it.”
Heat floods my face. I’m that something. Crap, I’m that something. It sends thrills shooting through me even though I don’t want it to. I study him out the corner of my eye. He’s in sweat pants and a tight T-shirt. Workout clothes probably. His blond hair is slightly messy as if he’s ruffled a towel over it. God, things would be a lot easier if he wasn’t so sexy.
For want of something to say, I tug my cell out my handbag. “I’m just going to call my boss.” I frown. “Didn’t you leave your car at the hospital?”
“Yeah, I walked.”
“Walked? It’s like miles.”
He shrugs. “Let’s just say I needed to burn off some frustration.”
I laugh but it’s cut short by the hungry look in his eyes. I turn away before he can see my reaction to it. My whole body feels alive with sensation and it’s like I can remember every touch from this morning. How is it possible for one look to do such a thing?
***
By the time I’ve called my boss and we’ve driven home, things feel almost back to normal. Nick still seems tense but is at least talking to me. I’m beginning to think all this was just a coincidence. Attacked and almost arrested on the same day. Weird coincidence, but maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Security never saw my attacker and no one else had any problems.
Thankfully my boss had heard of the attack and was feeling sympathetic enough to let me have the rest of the night off. We have two beds free for a change which probably helped, though I bet they’ll be filled by the time I go back to work in two days’ time.
It’s dark in the car but I can almost feel Nick’s gaze intent on me.
Did he really mean it? That he wouldn’t give up? Surely he can see it’s not worth his time. I don’t feel like I’m worth anyone’s time really. I’m not the fun, interesting girl I used to be. Rob, and the military life, took care of that. Having your life controlled from every angle does tend to suck everything from you. Problem is, there’s a small part of me that thinks I might just give in to him one day. That I won’t be able to fight my need for him.
But I can’t want him. I keep reminding myself of what it was like. Never quite knowing where you stand, moving away from your friends and home yet again. And the loneliness.
We pull up into my parking spot and sit for a moment. My heart does a little jump. Nerves or excitement? I don’t know. Nick’s presence has a way of making me feel as if I’m always on alert.
“Thanks for coming to get me. I know… I know I pissed you off and I really appreciate you helping me out. I’m-I’m not sure what I would have done—”
“Sienna, I wouldn’t have left you alone behind bars.”
I stifle a giggle. He says it so seriously that it makes it sound like if he hadn’t have come, I’d have been rotting in jail forever.
“I wasn’t actually arrested, you know.”
Nick shudders ever so slightly. The smallest of movements as if he’s trying very hard to suppress his emotions. A pang strikes me. Nick’s so used to taking care of people, including me. No doubt, he feels like this was somehow all his fault. I put a hand over his as it still grips the wheel. It makes my palm prickle but I force my hand to remain there.
“Thank you, Nick. For everything. You have no idea how much it means to me.”
He gives me a soft smile, one that has his eyes crinkling in the corners and almost turns me into a puddle in my seat. “You don’t need to thank me, babe. You know I’d do anything for you.”
I turn away and draw in a slow breath. Seriously? Who talks like that? The man is too much for me to handle. Opening the door, I climb out and he follows.
“You don’t need to come up,” I say lightly.
“Just making sure you get home safe.”
“And here I am. All safe.” I spread my arms wide as he comes to my side. He gives me an assessing look, a frank appraisal that has me shuddering slightly.
“Looks that way.”
Now he looks regretful. Shit, I can’t take much more of this. If I’m not careful, I’m going to jump into his arms again, regardless of the consequences.
“Thanks for seeing me home,” I say softly because I am grateful and I still don’t feel like he gets just how grateful. I’m not sure h
e’ll ever understand how important he is to me. And I don’t know if I can say it as he might think it means I want something more.
And I don’t.
“Anytime.” He pauses for a moment. “Let me see you to your door.”
I open my mouth to argue and then think twice about it. There’s no harm in letting him do what he feels he needs to do, and I really don’t want to fight with him. His footsteps sound behind me as I climb the stairs and I’m acutely aware of each one. As I press the code into the door, I sense him near my back, though I know he’s keeping a respectful distance.
I push through the door and climb the stairs, wondering what I’m going to say when we reach the top. I need to establish some boundaries that say we can be together, just as friends. Something to encourage the whole ‘friendship’ thing and definitely not the ‘sex’ thing. Problem is, Nick makes that damned difficult because every time I look at him I think of sex.
I slow my pace as I reach the top and scowl. My front door is slightly ajar. I left in a hurry and was a little preoccupied, but I’m really careful about my door. I got locked out of our military house once and had to get a locksmith to come out. The whole thing was a real pain so I always double check I’ve got my keys and ensure the door is shut properly.
Nick curls a hand around my arm and holds me back slightly as we reach the top of the stairs. “Just wait a minute,” he says before stepping past me.
He moves stealthily as if approaching enemy territory rather than my apartment, but my stomach feels like it’s in my throat. The realization as to why my door is open strikes as I see the splintered door frame.
Nick disappears into my place with a quick glance at me and I wait, arms clutched around myself. My breaths sound loud to my ears. It feels like he’s gone ages so I step in myself. It’s my home and I can’t believe I’m being such a wimp. What if Nick hadn’t been here? I really need to learn to stand on my own two feet.
My jaw drops as I survey my living room. The couch is overturned, vases smashed, drawers riffled though. My bookcase has been emptied and all my books are scattered across the floor, their pages spread out and crumpled.
A creak makes me jump and I spin toward the double doors, my heart throbbing.
“Sienna, you should have waited outside.”
I gulp. “Is it like this in the rest of the apartment too?”
He nods slowly and I gape around. It sounds silly but I can’t take my eyes off the big vase that I’d put next to my bookcase. It was cream and so heavy, and maybe not even that pretty, but it was mine. One of the first things I bought when I signed the lease for the apartment. It was a symbol of me being on my own and having my own stuff. And now it’s cracked in two, having been carelessly thrown to the floor. I press my fingers to my eyes to prevent the tears from coming.
And then Nick’s arms are around me, a shield of comfort. I don’t cry, just sniffle a little. I think I’m still in shock, but listening to his steady heartbeat through his chest calms me as my head moves with the rise and fall of his breaths. His hands stroke my hair and I know if I tilt my head up, a kiss will probably be waiting for me.
I don’t though. Somehow, I manage to keep a hold on my sanity.
I inch away slightly but his arms remain around me. “I wasn’t gone that long. How did they know?”
Nick’s expression looks regretful. “I think whoever did this was probably watching.” He steps back to survey the damage but grips one of my hands.
When I glance down at our joined hands, I’m struck by how right it looks. Large and small. Light and dark. They fit perfectly together. Then I remember that my home is trashed and such thoughts seem ridiculous.
“Can you see if anything is missing?”
I run my gaze across the room and shake my head. “Not that I can see. I don’t really own much of value anyway. They didn’t even take the TV.”
Interestingly the large flat screen is completely untouched as is my stereo on the bookcase.
“Do you have any jewelry, valuables?”
“A few rings. Nothing particularly valuable though.”
“Where are they?”
“In my jewelry box.” I motion to my bedroom.
I cringe as he raises a brow at me. Okay, perhaps I should have had a less obvious place to keep them but I never really expected to get robbed. Guess I’ve learned my lesson the hard way.
My kitchen is a mess. Nick guides me through and I try to avoid looking at the emptied drawers and the utensils thrown carelessly on the floor. My bedroom doesn’t fare much better. It looks as though they’ve lifted the mattress as it’s now crooked. The sheets are still rumpled and sadly that was my fault. I couldn’t bring myself to touch them after Nick left. Stark memories of his hard naked body spread across them assail me. My body tenses at the thought.
He releases my hand and I miss the warmth. I go straight for the jewelry box on my dressing table. It’s open, beads and necklaces hanging out of it and I pick my way through the contents.
“Nothing’s missing,” I say in surprise.
“You sure?” Nick comes to my side and studies my jewelry as if he knows more about my stuff than I do.
“Yeah, even the most valuable stuff like…” I throw a wary glance at him, “like my wedding ring.” I tug out the gold band with little diamonds embedded in it. “This is probably the only valuable thing I own. Why didn’t they take it?”
His jaw is tense, eyes narrow as he stares at the ring. I slip it back into the jewelry box. It seems to snap him out of whatever he was thinking and he shakes his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think this was a robbery.”
“Then what was it? Some kids messing around?”
“If it was kids then why didn’t they break the TV? Or spray paint the place? And why your place? It would have been easier to break into the apartment below.”
“Christ, thanks, Nick,” I whisper when a chill seeps into me.
I don’t even notice I’m shaking until he eases me into the side of him and escorts me to the kitchen. Shoving the mess aside with his foot, he practically puts me on a bar stool and sets up the coffee pot.
“We’d better call the police,” he states.
“Why? What am I going to say? Someone broke in and made a mess?”
“It doesn’t matter, babe. You still need to report it. Maybe they can get some fingerprints.”
“Fine.”
To be honest it’s bad enough I’ve had someone in here, trashing my stuff, but the idea of the cops pawing through it too makes my stomach twist. He’s right though. He pulls his cell out of his pocket and I shake my head as I reach for the house phone.
It’s so very easy to let Nick do everything. He has that kind of take charge manner that makes you feel all small and protected. As much as I like it, I need to assert some kind of independence again. After all, I’m supposed to be proving to myself I can do it all on my own. I let Rob railroad me once. I’m not going to let that happen again.
I finally get through to a dispatcher and they promise to have someone over shortly. Now I just have to wait, not touch anything and stare at the mess someone has made of my first decent home.
But actually it’s a good thing because it seems to create some kind of anger in me. I’d rather be angry than feeling sorry for myself. How dare someone come in and trash my home? I was just getting on my feet and now this? Nick hands me a coffee and I clutch my hand tightly around it, making my knuckles white, as he leans across the breakfast bar opposite me.
“I don’t get it, Nick. Why?”
I hear his long inhale and wait for what he has to say. I know it’s not going to be good by the furrow in his brow, as if he’s deciding whether to protect me from his thoughts or not.
“It’s pretty strange.” He glances around. “If they didn’t want valuables—and not trying to be rude, but this isn’t exactly the wealthiest of buildings—then I think they were looking for something.”
They? I don’t even know wh
o they are. That’s the worst thing. Up against some unknown entity. “But what could they be looking for? We’ve already established I don’t have anything of value and it’s not like I’m a… a secret agent or something. I’m a nurse for Godsakes. Hardly anyone important.”
He fixes his gaze on me. “Now that’s not true, sweetheart.”
I wave my hand, dismissing his words. Not that they don’t strike me but I can’t focus on stuff like that right now. I want to think about why he said it. To wonder if he means I’m important to him or to the nursing world or what, but for now I need to figure out why the hell someone would turn my apartment upside down.
“Seriously, though. What could I have? I hardly look like the type to have government secrets or millions stashed away.”
“Let’s just wait and see what the cops say. Perhaps they’ll find some fingerprints and be able to bring someone in.”
“I hope so. It makes me nervous to think of someone out there, watching me. What if I’d come home earlier and interrupted them?”
His gaze darkens and he straightens. “Let’s not think about that.”
“Well, maybe I should think about it. Maybe I should get a weapon or something.”
He groans as if the idea of me having something to protect myself pains him.
“What? I can shoot. Sort of.”
“Yeah, right. Sienna. The idea of you running around armed…well, it scares the hell out of me.”
“But me running unarmed into someone in my apartment doesn’t?”
Nick pinches the bridge of his nose and eyes me. “All of it scares me. The thought of something happening to you probably scares me more than anything.”
The tone of his voice is deep and intense. Actually the way he says it sends a tremor to my toes. Sometimes I wish Nick wasn’t so upfront and honest. He makes me confront things that I really don’t even want to think about.
Like the fact that maybe he cares for me way more than he should. And maybe I care for him more than is good for me. It’s going to make resisting him much harder than I realized.