by Petrova, Em
“I have coffee.” He gets up and pours me a cup, remembering to add milk and sugar just how I like it, and then slides it over to me.
I cup both hands around it and suck in the aroma as if it will somehow bring me to my senses. This man has the ability to turn me into a jibbering, inarticulate mess. “H-have you been here all day?”
“No. I went out for a little. Picked you up some groceries.” He gives me a stern look but I can see the amusement in his eyes. “You don’t have much to feed a hungry guy in your fridge.”
“Sorry,” I mutter after taking a sip of my coffee. “I don’t really make a habit of having guys over.”
His jaw tenses briefly, the amusement leaving his face and then it’s back again. If everyone smiled as readily as Nick, the world would be a much better place.
“Well now you’ve got plenty of supplies.”
So there’s my opening. I get what he’s saying, what he’s hinting at. I don’t know if he just wants us to be fuck buddies or boyfriend and girlfriend or something more serious but I don’t—I can’t—want any of it.
I place my coffee down and trace the marbled patterns on the counter top with a finger. I can’t bring myself to meet his gaze. “Look, Nick, about…”
He leans across the counter and grabs my hand. “I know things got a little crazed there, Sienna, and you’re only just finding your feet after… Rob. But we’ve been working on this attraction for some time. You’re clever, you know that.”
“Nick, I can’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“This. Anything. Us.” I motion to both of us. “It was a mistake. I’ve barely buried my husband for Godsakes.” There’s a hysterical edge to my voice and I feel like an idiot but the touch of his hand is draining me, making me weak. I want to throw myself back in his arms and feel his lips on mine again.
“I know you’ve been through a lot, sweetheart, but this doesn’t have to be difficult. We know each other better than most couples do. Hell, we’ve already seen each other at our worst. I think we’ve got a good shot at this. Especially,” he laughs, “when we have sex like that.”
I shake my head vigorously. “No.”
“What do you mean ‘no’?”
“I can’t do it, Nick. Please just don’t even ask.” Tears prick my eyes. I hate feeling so vulnerable. “Can’t we go back to being just friends?”
“Just friends? You think we can go back after that? Sienna, that was once in a fucking lifetime sex. Most people are lucky to find something like that. And now you want to be friends again? Was I the only one who felt how fucking mind-blowing it was between us? If this is out of some misguided loyalty to Rob… hell, he may have been my best friend but he never treated you right, never deserved you. If you were mine, I would work every day to make you smile. I would never treat you the way he did.”
“I-I know. This isn’t about Rob. Please, I can’t do this again…”
And I do know. His words spark just the tiniest flicker of doubt in me. He found it amazing too. I long to throw myself at him. To let him make me smile. But his brow furrows and I see his anger building. It sends the tiniest curl of apprehension through me. I guess an angry man will always have that effect on me. My heart aches for what I can’t have but it’s no good. Great sex is no reason for me to put myself through the nightmarish life I had before.
“Again? What makes you think being with me would be the same as being married to Rob?”
“No, I know… but you’re a soldier. I just can’t, Nick. Please, I don’t want to lose your friendship. Can’t we be friends?”
“No. I can’t do that, Sienna, I’m sorry. I can’t be around you and not want you. I’ve always wanted you and I think you’ve always wanted me. How can I play your friend when I know what it’s like to have you come apart in my arms, tell me that?”
“Shit, Nick, please don’t make it any harder. “
He glares at me for a moment and I hear his teeth grind. I tense. Then he shoves back. “I won’t. I’m out of here.”
He storms away, not even glancing at me, and I sink against the counter as he disappears through the sliding doors. My front door slams shortly afterward and I jolt.
I want to cry. I think. I wrap my arms around myself and wonder where it all went wrong. In the bedroom. That’s where it went wrong. Or in the living room. Or when I started looking at him as anything other than a friend.
But he’s right. I’ve probably always been attracted to him. As soon as the shine wore off my marriage to Rob, I began to see Nick for what he was.
I’m such a bitch. A dumb, horrible bitch. Nick is the most amazing man I know. How many men would take care of their best friend’s wife? And how many men speak like that?
If you were mine, I would work every day to make you smile.
His words echo through my mind. I don’t doubt it. Nick could make me smile. He does make me smile. But what about the times when he will make me cry? When he’s fit enough to go back on tour and I have to spend months without even hearing a word, praying he’s still alive. Or when he spends weeks and weeks training and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. What happens when it falls apart because we’re trying to keep a relationship afloat as we move about the country, losing our friends, losing our home? Will he ever lose his temper with me?
I shake my head to myself. Nick’s not like Rob but I’m just not strong enough to do it. Damn, I am so weak. I turn back to my coffee and cup it again, trying to draw the warmth from it as if it could warm the ache in my chest that Nick’s absence has left.
He’s right. It was most amazing sex ever. It really was. But sex doesn’t mean anything. It’s only sex. I’m not sure I’m convinced though. I sip my coffee. How am I going to apologize to Nick? We want such different things, that’s clear. I want his friendship and he wants…
He wants me.
God, I wish that idea didn’t excite me. It’s really not helping me get a grip on the situation. I glance at the kitchen clock and realize I need to get moving if I’m going to gather my uniform and clean the apartment before my next shift.
When I pick up my discarded scrubs and underwear, a pang strikes me and those wretched tears are back. Life-changing sex… well it could have been, but I guess I’ll admit it, I’m too scared and too burned to let it change my life.
Chapter Four
Nick
Hands shoved into my front pockets, I storm down the steps and out onto the sidewalk. I pause for a moment, fight the urge to pound my fists into the pavement. Godammit. How did everything go so wrong? One minute I’ve got Sienna, hot and amazing in my arms, and the next she’s gone all rigid and cold. I don’t know what I was anticipating, but how the fuck can she expect me to forget sex like that? How can she brush it off like it was nothing? Christ knows I’ve been no saint, but I have never had sex like that. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve been lusting—no, not lusting—wanting her for so long, but I don’t think it is. If it was, surely it would be a simple release type thing. That was more than just good sex. That was mind-blowing, lovemaking shit. I sound like a sap but let’s face it, I’ve loved Sienna for quite a while.
I look around and scowl. I’ve forgotten something. “Shit.” My car. It’s still at the hospital. I laugh at myself, though I’m not amused. My leg has felt better. I forget about it a lot—maybe I deliberately block it out until moments like this. A lot of time spent in the gym, almost killing myself to get into shape seems to have blocked the dull ache I get a lot. However, moments like this, it stabs through me, reminding me of my mortality. Reminding me why I’ve stood by Sienna’s side for so long, even when it all looked hopeless. Because if anyone’s worth living or dying for, it’s her.
In spite of the pain, a surge of unspent energy is bouncing around inside me that needs working off, so I settle for walking to the hospital. I could probably catch a bus or hail a cab, but I’ve got nothing else to do. Maybe if I walk enough, I’ll calm down and figure out how to de
al with Sienna, and hopefully forget the throb in my calf.
Of course, half the energy comes from that fact I’d assumed possibly she’d let me take her back to bed. In spite of my anger, just the thought turns me on. Damned stubborn woman. So determined to make herself miserable.
I begin my walk, head down, stewing inside. I nearly get run over as I cross because I can’t think straight. Am I giving up on her? I’m not sure. I’ve waited this long, am I really going to just throw our friendship away because I failed at the first hurdle? But I’m still in shock. I’d been so convinced that one night—no, morning—together was all we’d need. The shutters would finally fall and she’d see that she’s meant to be with me. I’ve been waiting for that moment for what feels like forever.
By the time I get my car and get back to base, I’m still buzzing with energy but my temper’s calmed. Shit, I was pretty harsh. I wonder if there will be any way to salvage things. I shove open the door and follow the corridor down to my room. Fumbling for my keys, I unlock and kick the door. Once I’m in, I slam it shut and feel the wall vibrate with the force. The first thing I do is slump on my bed. What was I thinking storming out like that? Throwing a fucking tantrum?
I know what Sienna’s been through more than anyone and I’ve been an asshole. I stare at my ceiling and curse Rob for the billionth time. Why couldn’t he have treated her better? Why did he have to damage her so badly?
A smile creeps across my face, in spite of everything, as I remember when we first met her. She’d been so vibrant and funny. Pretty much all of us were drooling over her. She’s one of those people who draws other people to them. Like Rob really. And I guess that’s why she ended up with him rather than me.
And whose fault was that? If I could go back and kick my twenty-four year old ass, I would. I was always the brooding guy. The one who was quiet and mysterious until you got to know me. It worked well enough but Rob… once he saw something everyone else wanted, he had to have it. He figured I liked Sienna, so guess what? He got her.
Then he drained the life out of her. I don’t think she realizes how much I noticed. The only time the old Sienna returned was those six months when Rob was away. She was afraid for him—not that the jackass deserved it—but she was free again, even if she didn’t realize it at the time. God, what I wouldn’t give to have that woman back again.
The woman I’d finally found this morning.
With a groan, I flick on the TV I need to stop thinking about it all, just for a while. I need to calm down and figure out my next move. I shudder and grimace as I eye my bare room. It feels cold compared to Sienna’s place. It’s better than what the lower ranks have. God knows, I’ve lived in some shit holes in my time in the army, but it’s pretty sad being in your thirties and living in a single room. If you weren’t in the military, everyone would think you were a loser. You do wonder sometimes why you bother putting life and limb—literally in my case—on the line for this. It’s not exactly a life is it? Some of the guys buy houses but I don’t see the point, not if you’re going to move on. And renting them out is too much hassle. I’ve got money saved but…
I stare unseeingly at the TV. Guess I’d always held out hope that eventually Sienna would come to me and I could buy her a house. Rob had all that. Someone to come home to, to eat with and chat about his day. Damn, I envied that. But what kind of man wants their best friend’s wife?
I’ve battled with that guilt for so long, I’m used to it now. And Rob is dead and Sienna needs someone. Needs me, even if she doesn’t know it yet. I jump up and grab a beer from the mini-fridge I keep in my room. Cracking it open, I take a determined drink. I’m done standing by Rob. I did my part, played the loyal friend and watched as he fucked up his life and his marriage. Fucked up Sienna’s life. In the military, loyalty is everything. You don’t fight for the politicians or whatever bullshit reason they give you. When you’re on the battlefield, you fight for your buddies. But I’m done being loyal to Rob, even in death. He wasn’t the guy I used to know, the boy I played soldiers with as a kid. And I’ll be damned if he’s going to ruin my life too.
I don’t know what I’m going to do yet, but somehow I’m going to get Sienna and make her mine, once and for all.
***
Sienna
I’m driving to work when I see the flash of blue lights and hear the sound of a siren. I glance in my rearview mirror, intending to see if I can move aside but realize the cops are signaling for me to pull over. I frown. Maybe my taillight is out? I wasn’t speeding.
Searching for an easy way off the road, I spy an emergency turn-off and flip my blinker. I sit in the car, turn off the engine and roll down the window as the officer approaches. My palms are clammy. What is it about the law that makes me always feel like I’ve done something wrong even when I’m totally innocent?
“Hi,” I say meekly as the cop comes to my window, “uh, Officer,” I add.
It’s a woman. I don’t know if I’m more or less comfortable with that. Her black hair is pulled tightly back and she has a no-nonsense look to her.
“License and registration please, ma’am.”
I snatch my bag from the passenger seat and dig frantically around for my wallet. It feels like it takes me forever to find it and I’m sure I hear her feet tap as she waits.
Finally finding it, I draw it out and hand over my I.D. and registration with a flourish. She glances over them and walks back to her patrol car. She’s gone a few minutes and I can see her lips moving and her tapping on the computer in the car. A few minutes later, she returns. “Can you step out of the car please?”
I frown but I’m too nervous to ask her why. I wrack my brain to think of what I could possibly have done wrong. As I climb out, she motions for me to stand at the side of the car and her male partner gets out of the patrol car. I notice they both have their hands rested on their batons and my pulse quickens.
“Ma’am,” the female police officer says to me, “there’s an marker out for your car. We have information that it’s involved with a drug trafficking ring.” My jaw drops. Drugs? Me? Do I really look like a drug user or… or transporter or whatever? I want to say this but I can’t seem to make my mouth work. “Do you have any drugs or weapons in the car?”
“N-no, of course not.”
“We’re going to have to search your car.”
I nod. “Okay.” My voice comes out a squeak. That irrational fear they will find something is creeping in. Which is insane. I’ve never done drugs. Well, the tiniest piece of pot in college but it made me so ill I never touched it again. They’re not going to find any drugs but I still twine my hands together nervously.
“Ma’am, I’m going to need to do a quick body search. Do you have anything on you that you shouldn’t or that might stick me?”
I shake my head dumbly. I dart a glance around. Could this day get any worse? Cars are still traveling by, slowing down to see the action. Now they’re going to see me getting patted down like a common criminal.
She guides me to spread my arms out and begins brushing her hands over me. She’s quick and thorough, and it doesn’t seem particularly invasive, but I still feel kind of dirty.
When she nods to her colleague, he gets back in the patrol car. I see him talking on his radio. “Ma’am, we need to take you to the station for questioning.”
“Seriously? But I haven’t done anything!”
She eyes me gravely. “I need you to come down to the station.”
I stare at her in astonishment. “Am I under arrest?”
***
I study my shaky hands as I sit on the cold bench. Why is there an APB on my car? I’ve never done anything. Seriously, nothing. Once I got married, that was it for excitement and crazy behavior. I barely even drink anymore. I lift my head and glance quickly around the dark parking lot outside the station. Cars come and go, some picking up rough, criminal types. I can’t believe they had me pegged as one of them.
Nibbling on a nail, I grimace a
s my head begins to pound. Today has been too much. Attacked by a stranger, sleeping with my best friend and then almost arrested as a suspected drug trafficker. I tap my feet on the ground and wait, clenching my still shaking hands tightly.
The cops hardly told me anything, which is the worst thing really. All the stony silences and suspicious looks. They asked me about work, my life, my marriage. They were very interested in Rob which made me uncomfortable. Even trying to relate back the state of things between us makes me edgy. I don’t like admitting to my failure as a wife. They even asked me about my finances. I told them everything, of course I did, but you could tell my answers weren’t what they were looking for. Hell, I don’t even know what they were hoping to get from me. I don’t jaywalk without feeling guilty.
I sigh and rest my chin on my hand. I can’t believe I called him. But who else was I going to call? I don’t have anyone else and they’ve still got my car, though I guess they didn’t find anything or they wouldn’t have released me. I’ve never been so scared in my life—not even when Rob tried to hurt me—and right now, regardless of what happened between us today, I want my best friend. I just hope he’ll forgive me for the way I behaved. Nick had sounded annoyed until I mentioned the fact I’d been held for questioning at the station. Then he just went all gruff and told me he’d come get me before hanging up.
My heart bounds against my chest as I spot his black Jeep. He pulls up directly in front of me and leans over to open the car door. “Get in.”
Great, now I feel like a child being scolded by a parent. I climb in, noting he doesn’t offer to help with the seatbelt. Twining my fingers in my lap, I peek at his cold expression, dread curdling in my stomach. I guess I handled everything worse than I realized.
“What happened?” he asks brusquely as he drives out the parking lot.
“I got pulled over on my way to work… shit, I haven’t even called them yet.” I wave my hand—to myself more than anything. “I’ll call them in a bit.”
No way am I going in now. I’m still shaken up by everything. Thankfully my boss is really understanding. My gut pangs. We’re short staffed, as usual, but I didn’t even take time off after Rob died so I shouldn’t feel guilty really.