Fragments of your Soul (The Mirror Worlds Book 1)

  For a while Hel silently looked at Arvid, then she rested her chin in her hands and absentmindedly turned her gaze toward the large window. She seemed neither offended nor disappointed, but it was hard to tell what was going on inside Hel.

  “I can’t excuse my father’s behavior,” she said, “and I understand your thoughts. You’re right… He likes to play games, with everything and everyone. He enjoys observing pain, confusion and fear. These feelings exert an irresistible fascination on him. It’s in his nature, and often it’s difficult for him to control it.” She turned her head and looked directly at Arvid. “I don’t mean to justify my father’s behavior. I’m just telling you how it is.”

  Arvid sighed. “I know that he’s not indifferent about me. That’s the only reason I came here. But I… I just… don’t understand him.”

  For a while there was silence between them, then Hel said, “My father, Loke, he… he is clumsy when it comes to showing affection. He may have learned to be a father or a lover, but not a husband. Many have desired him, but never out of love. In all the years of his life he was only ready to allow tender feelings a single time, and that was a very long time ago.”

  “Sigvin,” murmured Arvid. Suddenly she remembered what Nod had told her back then. Sigvin… the only being Loke ever had felt this kind of affection for, who, however, had not wanted him.

  Hel nodded. “Hardly anyone knows the true background of this story. The story, which is written down in a few books, is nothing more than a fairytale.”

  “Do you know the real story?”

  “Only roughly,” Hel said. “But what I know is that Sigvin was no woman but a man. His name was not even Sigvin, though I never found out his real name. The woman Sigvin is a figment that helped Loke to work through this painful experience. Well, maybe more to suppress it… Sigvin is the embodiment of his most heartfelt desire. A being that loves him the way he is, unconditionally, with all his faults and flaws, despite the darkness in his soul. Loke would have liked this man to be all this is for him, but… His affection made him very vulnerable to him.”

  “And he was hurt,” Arvid said softly.

  “Yes,” said Hel, “so badly that my father was not ready to allow loving feelings since then, out of fear of being hurt again. For a being like him, with all his power, it must have been a severe shock to see that on an emotional level he could be just as weak and vulnerable as all the small, insignificant people whose weakness he despised so much.”

  Hel gently took Arvid’s hand. At first Arvid winced at the cold touch, but then she let it happen.

  “I believe you can be Sigvin,” Hel said. “In all the years I was not sure if there would ever be a being who could truly love my father, not just a body, not just a god, but what he really is, deep inside. I can’t see into your heart, Arvid, but I watched you at your wedding. I saw the way you looked at him, the way you kissed him, the way you were holding his hand… Everything you did was full of love.”

  “I love him with all my heart,” Arvid said. “I want to be with him. But… I’m scared.”

  “I think my father is scared too,” Hel said and gently let go of Arvid’s hand again. “That’s why he keeps hurting you and pushing you away. His affection gives you power over him, and it terrifies him, more than you possibly can imagine. He will never forget what Sigvin has done to him.”

  “He doesn’t trust me,” realized Arvid. “He thinks I will hurt and leave him, too.”

  “You have already done that.”

  Arvid knew that Hel was right. Suddenly there was a dull ache in her heart. They had both hurt each other, out of the same fear. The realization hurt. Why didn’t she have the courage to show him her affection? Why had she not told him how she felt and that she wanted to stay with him forever?

  “Do you think… he will forgive me?” Arvid finally whispered. The thought that it all might be too late now was horrible.

  “I don’t know,” confessed Hel, “but I hope so.”

  Arvid nodded silently, then she rose from her chair and slowly walked across the room to the window. She missed Loke so much it hurt. She wanted nothing more than to return to Sölunnir and see him there. But maybe he was not there. Maybe her words had hurt him so much that he would stay away forever.

  “There’s something else I want to tell you,” Hel said.

  Arvid turned slowly to face her.

  “Your soul,” Hel said, “is no longer alone.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” said Arvid, puzzled.

  “When you see Loke, then tell him that I told you that.”

  When Arvid was awakened the next morning, it seemed to her as if she had only just dozed off. She wanted to turn on the spot, but Naal tartly told her that she couldn’t be considerate of her exaggerated sleep requirements. They ate in silence and then got ready for their journey back to Sölunnir. Arvid’s feelings were mixed. On one side she could hardly wait to see Loke, on the other side there was the uncertainty whether Byleist had found him, and the fear of facing him again after the past few days.

  When they were finally ready to leave, Hel took her aside again. “I’ve been thinking,” she said. “There’s one more thing I would like to tell you, that might help you on your way…”

  “I’d be very grateful,” Arvid said.

  “You know… All I wish for my father is to find a little happiness. But I also want to keep you from more bitter disappointments.”

  “I’m afraid I won’t be spared that.”

  “No, certainly not. Being with him will always mean pain also. Never doubt that you are important to him though, even when it might not feel this way, and his actions are determined by chaos. He may have power and know many things, but… when it comes to love, he is lost. It is you who has to take him by the hand. He has learned to be a father for me. He will also learn to be a husband.”

  “Thank you, Hel,” Arvid said. “Your encouragement means a lot to me.” She held out her hand to the giantess. “I would like to hug you goodbye, but I’m afraid I’m too small.”

  Hel smiled. “Or I’m too big,” she said. She crouched down, put an arm around Arvid and gently squeezed her.

  The way back turned out to be a real ordeal. Not only was their way steeply uphill, Arvid also had to carry the box with the soul shard, which Naal didn’t dare to touch for more than a moment. At the very beginning she had tried, but after a short time the influence of the stone seemed to give her anxiety and afflicted her so much that she gave it back to Arvid. In fact, Arvid could feel the effect of the splinter, too, even though she didn’t touch it. Its effect was highly attenuated though, and only became noticeable when she fell into a monotonous routine and her concentration waned.

  Now that she knew the origin of the fragment, she understood his influence better. It urged her thinking into strange tracks. None of it was completely unfamiliar, and yet she noticed again and again that she had feelings and thoughts that didn’t really seem to belong to herself. Most of it was harmless, but sometimes dark thoughts wandered through her mind. She thought about how easy it would be for her to kill Naal. She had no chance to oppose her power, even though she was much taller and physically stronger than her. It would only take a second…

  From such thoughts Arvid always tore away violently. They were just mind games, yet they frightened her. What if she suddenly let herself go so much that they became more? As the strange feelings and thoughts appeared more often, she finally asked Naal for another break.

  The old giantess agreed reluctantly, because they were very high up already. Arvid put the box down several steps below her before she sat down with a weary sigh.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” she said to Naal. “I am small and weak and need too many breaks. Unfortunately, I can’t change that.”

  “I didn’t think that,” sai
d Naal. “For once I didn’t.”

  Arvid gave her a puzzled look, but said nothing. After a while Naal continued speaking on her own.

  “I don’t envy you for having to carry this stone,” she said. “I admit I don’t feel I’m up to this task… you, on the other hand, do it without complaining.”

  “Do you know what kind of stone this is?” said Arvid.

  “Hel explained it to me this morning. It was very frightening. And shocking.”

  “Shocking?”

  “What do you know? You have no children. If you had, you would understand how it is to have a son like Loke. There’s hardly a day I don’t ask myself how I could bring forth something like that.”

  Arvid looked at her in disbelief. “You speak of him as if he was some malformed piece of fruit!”

  “I wish he was just a giant, but he is not,” Naal said bitterly. “At home, he mostly looks like one, but… he’s not, not even in his heart. I don’t know what he is. Since I’ve come close to this stone… I don’t think I even want to know.”

  “He’s your son,” Arvid said. “Is it really so important to find another definition?”

  Naal gently shook her head. “Maybe not,” she said softly. “You know… even though Loke says otherwise, I just want him to be happy.”

  The rest of their break they spent without a word. Later, when they overcame the last part of the stairs and followed the path up to the cave funnel, there was silence between them. The path through the last vault seemed endless, but eventually they reached the bridge which led toward the gates of Sölunnir.

  The guards at the gate informed them that Byleist had not yet returned. He had set out toward the caves north of the fields with four people. He had said that he wanted to be back in the evening of the next day at the latest. When they met Helblindi shortly after, he confirmed this.

  After Arvid had eaten and washed, she retired to her quarters to get some sleep. However, she woke up again after a few hours and found no more rest. At first she began to walk around restlessly, then she tried to read, but she couldn’t concentrate. After all that had happened and she had learned from Hel, she longed for Loke so much it caused her pain. She could only hope that Byleist had found him and that nothing had happened on their way, because who knew where exactly this place was where Loke had gone.

  Eventually Arvid sat down in the alcove next to the embroidered image she had put there. She looked at it thoughtfully. Then she picked up the needle and began to mend the stitches that had come loose at one point. When she was done, she continued the pattern with the rest of the thread hanging from the half-finished ornament. Suddenly she knew what she would do.

  She went over in Loke’s study and looked for thread in colors of the unfinished pattern. There were only three, and Loke had a large supply of them. Shortly after she left the fortress, sat down on a pillow next to the large gate, and continued the ornament.

  Her presence seemed to unsettle the four guards. At first they only threw her strange looks, then at some point one of them bestirred himself to talk to her.

  “Forgive me, Your Highness,” he said with a bow, “why you are sitting on the ground?”

  “I’ll be waiting here for my husband’s return,” Arvid said with a friendly smile. “I hope my presence doesn’t bother you, or I’ll be happy to find a different spot.”

  “Your presence is our honor, Your Highness,” replied the guard. “We’ll immediately get you a more comfortable seating.”

  “No,” Arvid said hastily and made a defensive gesture. “That’s not necessary. Please stay on your posts. I just want to keep sitting here.”

  “As you wish,” said the guard, although he didn’t look too happy. He bowed his head and walked back to his post.

  The next few hours Arvid spent completing the ornament around Loke’s image. She was slow. In the beginning she had to repeatedly undo some stitches because she had made a mistake, but with time it went better and better.

  Every now and then people came or went, mostly giants, sometimes in armor, sometimes laden with baskets, sometimes pulling carts. Most didn’t even notice her. A few threw her curious glances, but left her in peace. There was no sign of Loke and Byleist the rest of the evening either, and so Arvid eventually gave up and went to bed.

  The next morning she found an upholstered stool in her spot beside the gate. Although she had not asked for it and would have been willing to sit down on the floor again, she was grateful to be able to sit more comfortably.

  Whenever someone approached the gate, Arvid hopefully lifted her head, but it was always just a soldier, a servant or a trader who arrived with goods.

  It became evening again, and still there was no trace of Loke, Byleist and his men. Although Arvid told herself that this didn’t have to mean anything and they probably just got held up somewhere, an unpleasant feeling of concern nestled into her. What if they got attacked by deep-dwellers on their way? Or had Byleist not even found Loke and moved on to look for him in other places?

  Although the time Byleist wanted to return had elapsed and it was uncertain when the group would return, Arvid sat down at the gate again the next morning and continued with the embroidery. She was exhausted because she had hardly slept last night. Worries, doubts and fears had kept her awake hour after hour, and only now, when she could employ her hands and was distracted by new arrivals, she came to rest.

  Around noon, Arvid was just about to do the very last stitches, Naal turned up. She sounded almost friendly as she greeted her.

  “Did you make this picture?” she asked.

  Arvid shook her head “Loke made it,” she said. “I’m just finishing the ornament around it.”

  Naal frowned. “So he still indulges in these effeminate activities.”

  “Effeminate activities?”

  “What man would do embroidery?” sighed Naal. “Although I must admit it looks quite pretty.”

  Arvid saved her breath pointing out that Loke first didn’t have any defined gender and embroidering didn’t have to be reserved for women. In any other situation Naal’s statement might have annoyed her, but the manual labor seemed to have a strangely calming effect on her.

  “Have you ever tried it?” said Arvid instead. “Embroidering, I mean.”

  “Unfortunately, yes,” replied Naal. “Every good woman has to know how to embroider, doesn’t she?”

  “Well, in that case I was a bad woman until recently. I only know how because Loke showed me. Obviously he is a better woman than me.”

  Naal smiled. It felt warm and genuine and made Arvid suspicious. Her mother-in-law seemed changed, more open, and this touch of bitterness that otherwise surrounded her was barely noticeable at the moment.

  “There’s something I want to tell you,” said the old giantess suddenly and went into a crouch next to Arvid, so that they were approximately at eye level.

  Arvid looked at her, equally excited and surprised. “Yes?”

  “You know, I… was strictly against Loke marrying you,” she said hesitantly. “Not just because you’re a human. I simply wanted to keep him from doing something stupid again… or trigger a disaster, in any form whatsoever. He constantly does that, you know? At all times he pursues his entangled plans, but what we see of them is always only the tip of the iceberg.”

  Arvid nodded. “After all that I’ve read and heard, you’re probably right.”

  “That’s why I was sure that there was more to it,” Naal continued. “Of course, from a logical point of view the marriage was a good move, but… There would have been other ways to protect you, right? However, Loke didn’t try to convince me with logical arguments. He came to me and said… that he didn’t know why, but that he felt the strong urge to ensure that you are well and… that you’re happy.”

  In Arvid’s embro
idery only two stitches were missing, yet she lowered it now and looked at Naal incredulously. “He… really said that?”

  “He did,” Naal said. “He was… different. I had the feeling that he had never been open to me in his entire life, but at that moment he was. It was perhaps the first time my son made a heartfelt decision… and I wanted to forbid it. I couldn’t do it anymore.”

  She lowered her eyes. Arvid only had to look at her to realize that she was very moved by this experience. Arvid felt touched. The idea that Loke had openly admitted that he cared about her was overwhelming, even if he only had done so to his mother—or maybe it was exactly for that reason.

  “Well, anyway,” Naal continued after a long pause, “you should know that I don’t regret allowing your connection… even if it is regrettable that you are no giantess.” She straightened up again, then she said quietly, “You better hurry with your embroidery.”

  For a moment Arvid didn’t understand, but then she looked up and saw a small group of giants who approached the gate. It was Byleist and his people—and Loke.

  Arvid’s heart leaped. She put the cloth aside, stood up and took a few steps in the direction of the group, then stopped again. She wanted nothing more than to run up to Loke and throw herself in his arms, but the same time an overwhelming feeling of doubt crashed down on her like a wave. Loke was here and he was unhurt, but would he forgive her? What if he only met her with coldness or anger? Arvid felt torn between fear, doubt, and the irrepressible desire to embrace him.