Overcoming Depression For Dummies

by Smith, Laura L.

  People also define themselves according to their self-image. You may see yourself as someone who is consistently healthy, strong, important, attractive, and so on. Yet, both roles and self-image frequently change due to unavoidable circumstances. When these changes take place, the transition may or may not be smooth.

  You may not always fully appreciate the impact that the passage from one role or self-image to another can have on your sense of self and wellbeing. When the transition involves a loss (and many transitions do), grieving or depression can result. Sometimes the transition is obvious, such as when you lose a job; other transitions can be more insidious, such as the loss of safety and security because of an alarming increase in the crime rate where you live.

  No one responds in exactly the same way to these life transitions. As with death, no right or wrong response exists. Transitions that frequently cause difficulty include:

  Leaving home: Adolescents and young adults often look forward to the day when they can leave home. However, when it finally dawns, they often experience loss, and can be quite surprised by this. No longer can they turn to their parents for instant advice and support. They may feel a loss of connection, and of the comparative freedom from responsibilities that often accompanies childhood. Another related loss comes when a person leaves full-time education. Moving on from the familiar routines and friendships of secondary school or college/university and taking on new roles can mean assuming some quite daunting responsibilities.

  Getting married: You may wonder why marriage is included as a troubling transition. For most people, marriage is a joyous, but sometimes nerve-wracking time of life. Yet marriage includes losses, which occasionally lead to unexpected feelings of depression. It means give up your identity as a single person. You may lose contact with single friends. Like leaving home, marriage can require relinquishing a certain amount of freedom, in this case that of being single.

  Becoming a parent: Another joyous occasion! But bringing a newborn into your life also means some loss of freedom, plus more stress…and exhaustion. Bringing up a baby is costly both financially and time-wise. Say goodbye to weekends of rest and relaxation.

  Feeling highly emotionally charged after having a baby is normal for both parents. However, depression in women after childbirth can become serious: this condition is called postnatal depression. Go to Chapter 2 for details about postnatal depression and the need for prompt treatment.

  Changing jobs: Whether you’re starting your first job, changing jobs, getting a promotion or demotion, or going through redundancy or dismissal, changes in your career and in your everyday activities involve stress and loss. A first job leads to a loss of free time. A promotion can lead to overwhelming responsibilities. Demotion, re-deployment, redundancy, and dismissal can mean loss of income and status.

  Going to jail: Being convicted of a crime and then imprisoned gives rise to many, self-evident losses.

  Experiencing major economic and political changes in society: An example, is the 2008 credit crunch which is having serious effects. Repossessions and bankruptcies are soaring, some people are having to postpone retirement, and many are experiencing financial problems. Usually, no one feels very sorry when political leaders go or are forced out. However, in some countries, new regimes can bring on the loss of freedom, economic hardship, or possibly war. These changes can disrupt families and lives in devastating ways.

  Moving home: Whether you move elsewhere in the same city or further afield, the process can be exciting, but it also comes with losses. You may lose ties with your friends, the familiarity of your home and neighbourhood, and the sense of a shared history with a place you’ve cared about for a long time.

  Dealing with an empty nest: Parenting is a loving relationship, but one in which the usual goal is to foster independence and eventual departure. You do your job as well as you can- then your children leave you. You may experience both the loss of the children, and of your parental rolet.

  Suffering a chronic illness: The diagnosis of a chronic can turn your world upside down. You lose a measure of control over your life; suddenly the health care system takes charge of significant aspects of your daily living. You can be shocked at how dependent you’ve become. Also, your financial situation, freedom, and status may well suffer.

  Aging: You’d probably rather be old, when you consider the alternative! Nevertheless, aging inevitably highlights the certainty of death. Along with the threat of loss of life itself comes the loss of loved ones, plus changes in status, independence, appearance, and wellbeing.

  Everyone expects and experiences change over the course of a lifetime. But depression may be an unexpected and unwelcome consequence. If you feel intense sadness or depression, and you can’t figure out why, review the recent transitions in your life. Ask yourself if any of the issues we discuss in the previous list may be part of the problem.

  Breaking up is hard to do

  Losing someone through the break up of a relationship or divorce can also trigger deep grief. Unfortunately, society gives far more support to those who lose a loved one through death than those who lose someone through ending a relationship. Typically, we anticipate people picking themselves up, dusting themselves down, and “simply” starting all over again. Society assumes that within a fairly short period of time, people experiencing break ups are going to just get on with life, successfully forming new relationships. The intensity of grief that is felt after a break up may catch people by surprise and overwhelm them. After a relationship ends, feelings of loneliness and isolation can take hold. Yet when people consider breaking up, they too often fail to appreciate the potential magnitude of the disruption and loss. Thus, they make thoughtless decisions about leaving loved ones. Anger, lust, or boredom may fuel the decision to end the relationship.

  When you break up with your partner, you may well experience a variety of losses:

  The relationship: You may lose companionship, affection, mutual hopes and fears, support, being a couple, love, and sex.

  A vision of the future: Most people who begin a serious relationship together have an expectation concerning the future of the relationship. In the case of partners with children, the vision of being a secure family unit crumbles when the relationship ends.

  Family and friends: Bonds with the family of the lost partner are often severed. Mutual friends may choose sides.

  Finances: Whether the money is spent on solicitors, therapists, and/or setting up two households, divorce or the break up of partners who live together can run to megabucks.

  Status: Sometimes people owe their status to their partner’s job or position. The author Elaine remembers an association of the wives of a particular profession, (which is going to remain nameless). At their social gatherings, the wives wore a name badge with their name – and their husband’s role within the organisation!

  Ego: Your ego may suffer, especially when you feel like you’re being rejected. However, even when leaving is your own decision, feelings of failure and guilt can take you by surprise and overwhelm you.

  There’s no right or wrong way to handle grief after a break up or divorce. Giving yourself permission to feel whatever feelings come up can help you deal with the loss. If those feelings swamp you or last for ages, we provide strategies helping you deal with your distress in the rest of this chapter.

  Working Through Grief

  As we describe earlier in this chapter, death, divorce, break ups, and loss of status frequently lead to feelings of grief. That’s to be expected. However, such grief can sometimes takes root in your life, disrupting happiness and wellbeing far beyond the typical six to twelve months grieving period. When grief is enduring, people often lose sight of the source of their unhappiness. So, if you’re feeling depressed, we suggest you consider whether any recent or past losses in your life may be contributing to your low mood. (Go to Chapter 2 to check out the differences between grief and depression.)

  Experiencing continuing or complicated feelings
about losing a loved one may mean you need professional help. Especially if your efforts at self-help including practising the ideas in this book aren’t bringing you much relief, or if you have severe depressive symptoms (refer to Chapter 2 for a discussion of the symptoms of depression).

  If you decide you’re carrying a burden of unresolved grief, do consider how you can lighten your load. Think through all your options. You may decide to explain your situation to trusted friends or family. Let them know that you’re going to need some extra looking after during this period. Try asking for their support and help. Perhaps request others give you a hand with day to day matters, or even let go of a few responsibilities. Though you may not be suffering a physical illness, or even feeling sick, do give yourself the same care and attention as you’d give someone who is having similar difficulties. Remember that depression affects both physical and mental and wellbeing.

  When you’re ready to go to friends and family for assistance, you may wonder if they’ll understand your problems and be able to help, especially if your grief concerns a loss from the distant past. You may want to explain that you’re trying to work through your grief on your own, and if you don’t progress enough through your own efforts within a short period, you’re going to get professional help. Tell them you realise your loss happened a long time ago, how it’s taken you by surprise, and how much it’s still troubling you.

  Be aware that bereavement saps your energy. Getting better takes effort and time – you can’t rush the process. While you’re at it, don’t forget to take care of your physical health:

  Eat healthy foods.

  Exercise on a regular basis.

  Make sure that you’re getting enough rest.

  Before tackling the difficult task of dealing with your grief, be reassured your goal is to help you get back into the business of living a productive, happy life. It isn’t to make you forget about your painful losses, nor to make you give up caring about the absent person or other losses in your life.

  Sometimes people say that they are likely to feel consumed by guilt if they overcame and resolved their grief. Again, working through grief isn’t about ‘getting over it’ in itself. You’re always going to feel the loss, but you can refocus and renew your spirit. You deserve to love and laugh again.

  Working through grief may actually lead to an initial increase of low, difficult, and painful feelings for a short time. This is perfectly natural. But if you find that your depression has significantly increased, and that you’re having feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of suicide, you need to get an immediate assessment from a professional.

  In the following sections, we discuss ways of coping with the loss of people, roles, and self-image discussed in the ‘Losing What’s Important to You’ section, earlier in this chapter.

  Seeing the wide angle view of relationships

  When grief is long-lasting or involves complex issues, people often focus on the details of their loss instead of trying to get the whole picture. In other cases, they latch onto some specific aspect of grief, such as the emptiness they feel. Having such a narrow focus can block your ability to work through the effects of your loss. It can also stop you facing up to difficult feelings and issues, meaning you then can’t work through them.

  We suggest broadening your field of vision to help you reconstruct all aspects of the lost relationship and what it meant to you. You need to take into account that a person generally has both positive and negative qualities. Ask yourself the following Grief Exploration Questions. You may want to write down your answers to these questions in a notebook.

  What was my life like with this person?

  What did I value in this person, and what did I struggle with?

  What did I learn from this person (both good and bad)?

  How has my life changed as a result of this loss?

  What feelings of resentment do I hold about this person?

  What things do I feel grateful for about my relationship?

  Take your time answering these questions. They may need careful thought. They may also bring up unexpected pain. After working through this task you may want to discuss, and possibly compare, your feelings with those of someone you really trust, who also knew this person well.

  After completing the Grief Exploration Questions, you may find it helps composing a letter to the person you lost. It can help understand and come to terms with the meaning of the relationship, and the nature of your loss.

  When you avoid feelings, you keep them trapped, churning round and round inside you. Expressing your feelings can help with healing.

  Bruce’s mother died when he was a child. Now, many years later, Bruce is a father. He finds himself having sad feelings. Bruce comes to the conclusion that he has unresolved grief. Bruce answers the Grief Exploration Questions, and then works through his grief in a letter to his mother (Figure 13-1).

  Eileen left her husband two years ago. She experienced what seemed to be inexplicable sadness, guilt, and anger. Her therapist helped her connect unresolved feelings about her divorce as the cause of these emotions. Eileen first answers the Grief Exploration Questions we list earlier in this section. Then she writes the letter that you see in Figure 13-2.

  After seeing the wide-angle view of the relationship, you’re likely to be more prepared to deal with your next problem.

  Figure 13-1: Bruce’s letter to his mum.

  When you’re ready, ask yourself how you can begin moving on and replacing what you’ve lost with active alternatives, such as:

  Going out with new people: This can feel scary, but ultimately, though you may well doubt it, you can discover how to love again.

  Grief support groups: You may find comfort in sharing your experience, and being supported and understood by others who’ve gone through similar losses. You can find support groups for bereavement as well as for the loss of a relationship.

  Leisure activities: People who are grieving tend to drop many activities they used to do for fun, but don’t restart them when their grief starts fading. Refer to Chapter 11 for information on rediscovering pleasure.

  Religious and spiritual groups: These groups can provide support, comfort, meaning, and connections, and can nourish your soul.

  Voluntary work: This can be a great way to re-establish connections and get a sense of renewed purpose.

  Figure 13-2: Eileen’s letter to her ex-husband.

  Rolling through roles

  As we discuss in the ‘Changing with the Times’ section, earlier in this chapter, changes in your circumstances can mean you giving up one or more of your roles, such as that of parent, employee, student, or child. Because you might see these roles as marking your status and defining who you are, their loss can feel devastating. Experiencing job loss or re-deployment can be so painful that the experience has been dubbed ‘industrial divorce’. All the hurt, loss, betrayal, and disappointed hopes for the future can apply as equally to the loss of a career as to the loss of a partner.

  Society hasn’t clearly defined transition as a type of loss. But the grief you feel can be as intense as the grief after a death or divorce. It can also leave you feeling bewildered and not knowing what to do next. If a role transition is causing you trouble, we recommend that you ask yourself Role Exploration Questions. Again, it’s useful to write your answers down in a notebook.

  What did I enjoy about my old role?

  What did my old role allow me to do?

  What did I dislike about my old role?

  What freedoms and limitations did I feel in my old role?

  What were the negative and positive feelings I experienced when I gave up my old role?

  What did I resent about my old role?

  Do I feel grateful for having had my old role?

  Your answers to the Role Exploration Questions can help you more fully appreciate and understand the nature of your loss. If you’ve been idealising your previous position, answering these questions can help you see your old ro
le in a more realistic light. And when you review exactly what you feel was important in the loss, you can start searching for suitable alternatives. They may include finding a new role, looking for new ways to meet your needs, or exploring new interests and meaning to your life. See Chapter 19 for information on using developments from the field of positive psychology to help you in this exploration.