Overcoming Depression For Dummies

by Smith, Laura L.

  Try choosing work that makes the most of your personal strengths. Remember the saying: ‘Find a job you love, and you’ll never have to work another day in your life!’ However, no matter what type of work you do, you can find ways of expressing your strengths and build on them if you try hard enough. And remember that work is just one part of life. Take the opportunity to discover, apply, and build on your strengths in every aspect of your life.

  Rejecting the quick fix

  Self-restraint, self-discipline, moderation, self-denial, temperance, self-control – these terms don’t exactly conjure up images of joy and happiness. In fact, they may even sound downright dreary. Yet the fact remains that self-control actually guides you towards happiness more reliably and faster than any of the quick-fix approaches.

  We live in a world that is forever making easy promises for achieving instant happiness and personal fulfilment. Though there’s clearly a role for medication when it comes to treating certain types of depression (refer to Chapter 15), some ads suggest that taking a certain tablet when you’re feeling a bit down is going to cure all your ills. Other ads suggest that you’re never going to be happy until you buy that dream car, or own the best sound system.

  Also, there are a wealth of books, DVDs, and workshop gurus telling you that you must feel good about yourself, end of story. And if you don’t, they suggest simplistic solutions – like repeating mindless self-affirmations over and over every day.

  Guess what:

  Quick fixes don’t work.

  No one is happy all the time.

  The more you expect instant gratification, the more disappointed and miserable you’re likely to be.

  Psychologists have found that the ability to exercise self-control and delay gratification is closely linked to your wellbeing and happiness from childhood right through to adulthood. Although it’s much better for you to learn self-control very early on , the good news is that you can still learn self-control at any stage of your life.

  Moderation and self-control are valuable because:

  Satisfying goals need a lot of patience and hard work in order to obtain them.

  Too much of a good thing ends up being less enjoyable When you indulge yourself, without working for the goal, the activity usually loses much of its appeal. Psychologists call this phenomena satiation.

  Allowing yourself to feel way superior and have an over-inflated view of yourself can bring problems, such as rejection. (We discuss this in Chapter 7.) Go for moderation as a realistic path toward sustainable happiness. Money, alcohol, drugs, and self-indulgence are actually seductive illusions. If you focus your efforts on quick fixes, you’re going to find yourself disappointed time and time again.

  Letting go and forgiving

  Of all the paths towards happiness, figuring out how to forgive may be the most difficult. When someone wrongs you, it can be so tempting to hold a grudge and desperately desire revenge. And why not take revenge? After all, if you did nothing to deserve the injustice, don’t you have every right to, at least have a desire, to give as good as you get? Absolutely. You’re quite entitled to have those feelings, and in fact they’re pretty normal!

  But unfortunately, hanging onto those feelings is going to cost you. Quite a lot, actually. Nursing feelings of rage and revenge can make you feel like a victim. Chapter 3 discusses the harmful effects of taking on the role of the victim, and increasing anger and feelings of helplessness. We suggest that you read Chapter 3 to find ways of avoiding the role of the victim.

  More importantly, working out a way to forgive is likely to enhance your sense of wellbeing. Several studies show that the more you cling to your resentments and grievances, the less happy and satisfied with life you’re likely to be. But can you find forgiveness if you’ve been grievously wronged?

  Horrible things can happen, such as sexual abuse or violence, that you may feel you just can’t forgive. In such cases, it’s probably more important to accept yourself and attempt to let go of any thoughts of revenge, rather than to actually attempt to find forgiveness, which you’re possibly never going to manage to achieve.

  Finding forgiveness is no easy task. Try this Revenge Reanalysis and Forgiveness Technique, and see how it works for you. The idea may seem pretty strange at first, but we believe that you’re likely to discover surprising benefits after exploring the idea.

  1. Try remembering the wrong in calm, non-judgemental terms. Visualise the wrong happening in your mind, and see if there are any ways to minimise feelings of rage, revenge, or sorrow.

  Play the tape of the event in your memory over and over until your powerful feelings begin to lessen, at least a bit.

  2. Try looking at the wrong from the wrongdoer’s perspective.

  This step may be particularly difficult. You may find it useful to realise that people typically hurt others when they feel threatened, frightened, or anxious. Sometimes they see a need to defend their honour or self-esteem, even though this perceptions may be misguided. Consider the possibility that many wrongdoers don’t appreciate or understand the hurtfulness of their actions. Some may also feel the need to attack to enhance their self-image, which was destroyed by a traumatic childhood events.

  3. Form an image of yourself in your mind as someone who copes well, rather than as someone who’s a victim. Think of yourself as someone with strength and fortitude who can rise above adversity and forgive.

  4. If thoughts of revenge come into your mind, remind yourself that revenge is going to harm you at least as much as the wrongdoer, and probably even more so.

  Thoughts and feelings of revenge can inflict damage on your emotional soul and hurt your body by releasing a load of stress hormones that raise blood pressure and may even, for some people, eventually damage the body.

  5. Dig down deep and forgive.

  If you can tell the wrongdoer that you forgive them, then that’s even better. Perhaps you may decide to write a letter of forgiveness. You certainly don’t have to send it, but it can help to talk it through with others. Offer your forgiveness with as much altruism as you can.

  The best things come to those who wait

  Psychologist Walter Mischel and his colleagues carried out a fascinating study that was reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. They had a group of 4-year-olds come into a room one at a time. A single marshmallow was placed on one part of a table in the corner of the room, while two marshmallows were placed on another part of the table. The researchers told each child, ‘If you wait until I come back, then you can have this one (pointing to two marshmallows). If you don’t want to wait, ring this bell and bring me back. But if you ring the bell, you can only have one marshmallow.’

  Some of the children couldn’t wait, so they rang the bell. Others managed to delay their urges for instant gratification and hang in there for both marshmallows. The researchers followed the children for ten years. Interestingly, those who showed most self-control were better at getting along with other people, performed better academically, were better at coping with stress, and had fewer personal problems than those who showed less self-control, at the age of 4. They were also more self-reliant, skilful, trustworthy, and eager to discover new things.

  Since this initial study, researchers have confirmed these findings with different types of self-control tasks and with many groups of children of varying ages and from various walks of life.

  When memories of the wrongful act recur, go through the forgiveness process again. Don’t expect saintly perfection from yourself. Every step you make in the direction of finding forgiveness really is going to end up helping you.

  Finding meaning and purpose

  There are many ways of finding meaning and purpose in your life. Generally this involves reaching out and relating to ideas that are bigger, long-lasting, and of greater significance than yourself. Of course, religion and spirituality are the most obvious ways of finding meaning, and are the routes chosen by the largest number of people.

&nb
sp; If you’re not very spiritually inclined, you can still find meaning in your life. Ask yourself what you want your life to be about. What do you want your legacy to be to the world? The following exercise, ‘Singing your swansong’, may just surprise you. Here’s how it works:

  1. Sit back and relax for a few moments. Take a few slow, deep breaths.

  2. Reflect on your life for a while, but don’t dwell on past regrets.

  3. Ask yourself what you want people to say and think about you at your funeral. How would you like to be remembered by friends, loved ones, and the world?

  4. Think about what you can do with the rest of your life to fill it with meaning, and what you want to leave to the world.

  Very few people doing this exercise actually end up telling themselves how rich, handsome, powerful, and clever they are. Most people choose to emphasise their strengths of character (such as those listed earlier in this chapter, in the section ‘Focusing on your strengths’).

  No matter what your age, you can devote at least a part of your life to the goal of enhancing its meaning – living each day as if it’s going to be your last. Your purposes in life don’t need to be over the top. Here are a few ideas:

  Being a kind person.

  Helping others.

  Advancing knowledge in some way.

  Doing something positive for the environment.

  Being kind to animals.

  Passing your skills and knowledge onto the younger generation.

  Forgiving yourself and others.

  Expressing gratitude.

  You can fill your life with meaning in any number of ways. All you need to do is connect and give something (almost anything) that feels larger than yourself. Whether you have a day, a year, or decades left on this planet, you can make a difference.

  Keep in mind the memorable words of the late comedian George Carlin, a counterculture hero famous for his routines about drugs, dirty words, and the demise of humanity: ‘Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.’

  Part VII

  The Part of Tens

  In this part . . .

  It wouldn’t be a For Dummies book without the Part of Tens. Here’s where you can find our depression-related top ten hits. We present ten quick ways of getting out of a low mood. And if you’re reading this book because a child, friend, or significant other suffers from depression, we offer tips to help. Discover how to decrease the chance of depression in your children, as well as what to do if they should get depressed. Finally, you can see how to respond to a friend or loved one who is depressed.

  Chapter 20

  Ten Ways of Improving Your Mood

  In This Chapter

  Chewing it over: Digesting your bad mood

  Using positive psychology

  Getting a breath of fresh air

  Low mood or depression – what’s the difference? Low moods are typically unpleasant but short-lived emotional states. Depression has a way of dragging on for weeks, or in some cases, far longer.

  After overcoming your depression, you’re still likely to come up against the occasional low mood. Nonetheless, recognising that your low moods are bearable and that you can do something to ease them is important. And to prevent your low mood from deepening and spiraling downwards into depression, this chapter gives you some tips on how to handle the blues.

  Having a Little of What You Fancy

  Various types of food reportedly affect mood. You’re likely to turn to chocolate as often as to any other mood-altering food. Craving sugary food is thought by some experts to be a sign of stress and that the body needs calming down. Chocolate, contains sugar and caffeine, increasing levels of serotonin in the brain. As we explain in Chapter 15, serotonin is one of the powerful brain chemicals in antidepressants: making you feel happier for a short time. This may explain why almost everyone loves chocolate.

  If you find that chocolate works for you, indulge in a little when you notice a low mood setting in. But remember: as with all things, moderation is the key.

  If you feel that you’re becoming addicted to chocolate, and you’re extremely guilty when you indulge in it, then chocolate isn’t the food for you when you’re feeling low. Guilt just further depresses your low mood.

  Being Nice to Others

  Be inspired by the positive psychology we discuss in Chapter 19. Doing something nice for someone is one of the best ways of helping you lift your low mood. Doing a kind act helps you refocus your attention away from what put you into that low mood, and move it to other people, in a positive way. And your improved mood is likely to last a lot longer than it does when altered by other quick-fix pleasures like chocolate.

  Getting Moving: Exercising to Raise Your Spirits

  Exercise can lift the weight of your depression, raising you out of a low mood. Of course, when you’re in a low mood, you probably don’t feel like exercising. But just because you don’t feel like it, doesn’t mean you can’t.

  Knowing the difference between can’t versus won’t/shan’t/don’t feel like it makes a great start. Just start moving your limbs and you’re away. Getting yourself moving is half the battle. When you get over that first hurdle, your momentum carries you forwards.

  Go for a long walk, jog, lift weights, take up yoga using a video or DVD, or do any form of exercise that suits. Exercise releases endorphins, improves your health, and gives you a sense of wellbeing and achievement. For more information about the benefits of exercise, refer to Chapter 10.

  Singing Your Own Special Song

  If you enjoy singing, try it when you’re feeling low. Belt out your favourite song at the top of your voice. Singing is uplifting – quite the opposite to feeling down. But do go for an upbeat tune, rather than the blues.

  Putting your negative thoughts into a whimsical song is a clever way of raising your mood. (Refer to Chapters 5, 6, and 7 for more information about negative thinking). Use your negative thoughts as the lyrics to any popular song you know. Somehow your negative thinking loses its control over you when you sing out your thoughts in a silly song. Here’s a fun example, jokingly described as the National Anthem of Siam: sing out loud ‘Oh Wah Tah Nah, Siam!’, three times through, to the tune of the first three lines of ‘God Save The Queen’!

  Reuniting: Calling to Reconnect

  Try phoning a friend. If like a lot of people you’ve lost touch with old friends – just reconnect. Pick up your phone. Don’t wait and talk yourself out of it. Just do it.

  Research shows that social connections can help with all kinds of difficulties, including low moods. So, even if you can’t trace any long-lost friends, phoning any friend at all helps. Remember it’s good to talk – and reconnecting feels good.

  Letting Music Move You

  Do you like to dancing? If so, you just may be able to dance your way into a better mood. Dancing, like all forms of exercise, releases endorphins (refer to Chapter 10 for more info about endorphins). If you pick a melody with a strong, feelgood rhythm, the combination of music and movement can be a way of lifting your spirits and lightening your mood.

  If you don’t have a partner, you can just dance by yourself in the privacy of your home. There you can fling yourself around in wild abandon, getting the better of those pesky blues.

  Washing Those Blues Away

  Many people find that a long, hot bath helps soothe both mind and body. A hot shower can also do the trick. Often, when you’re in a low mood, doing something soothing doesn’t quite ‘feel’ right. Nonetheless, luxuriating in the feel of shower gel and steaming water cascading over your body is great for toning you up and giving you a lift. Trust us on this idea, and give it a try.

  Getting a Pet

  If you’re in a low mood, try spending some time with your pet. Don’t have one? Consider getting one. Seriously! Studies show that pets do help you feel better. A pet may even improve your health. Dogs love to jump and play. Just watching them is cheering: making you smile
and even laugh.