by Dyan Chick
In the silence following the demise of the party, the weight of exhaustion pressed down on me and I fought against a yawn, unsuccessfully. I turned to Goldie. "Can I still sleep in your room?"
She put her arm around my shoulders. "Of course." The two of us walked back to the train, following the rest of the sluggish members of the circus.
The warm gold glow of sunrise filled the sky. The party had lasted all night. There was some happy sounding chatter from a few people as we all made our way back, but for the most part, sleep seemed to be the priority.
I collapsed on the bed across from Goldie's in the same clothes I'd worn to the party. For a moment, I considered getting up to change. Sleeping in the same clothes I'd worn out had become too-common lately. Realizing I had nothing else to change into, I rolled over and fell asleep.
I woke to the sound of whispered conversation and blinked a few times before my eyes fully focused. My mouth was dry and I was groggy, but otherwise, I felt pretty good. It was nice not to feel hung over or strung out after a party. I turned over to see Bella and Goldie chatting quietly in Goldie's bed.
They noticed the movement right away. "Morning, love," Goldie said. "How ya feeling?"
I sat up and pushed my hair out of my face. My eyelashes were sticking a little from the mascara I hadn't bothered to wash off. "I could use a shower, but otherwise, I'm good."
"There's probably a line at the shower right now, but we'll take you there later," Goldie said. "Did you have fun last night?"
"I did." The words surprised me. I'd been so worried about getting sucked into old habits, but I hadn't even seen any sign of anything illicit last night. I was actually sort of looking forward to the next time. I pulled my legs up under me and settled back against the wall. "What are we in for tonight?"
"It's my favorite night of the festival," Bella said. "We don't use the big top tonight. Instead, we are outdoors for a concert. There's always some big act that performs. So many musicians are supernatural. Like us, they go into the industry because they get away with being a little different and nobody notices."
"Are there a lot of supernaturals out in the real world?" I realized I hadn't thought too much about the people who came to the Rose Circus to see the performances. Were they living in regular cities doing regular jobs?
"There's less of us than there used to be, but there's enough of us. Especially in big cities where it's easy to blend in."
Had I been interacting with them my whole life? I wondered if anyone I knew back home might have had some magical secret that I didn't know about. In the short time I'd been with the circus, my whole view on the world had changed. Now that I knew about it, would I notice them doing everyday things?
The two of them took turns telling me stories of past performances and I hung on every word. I felt more at ease today than I had in a long time. Nobody had tried to kill me, nobody expected anything from me.
For a moment, I recalled the man at the bar. Why had I worried about him? He was probably just like the rest of the people here, trying to have a good time. Maybe he was like the musicians that Goldie and Bella were telling me about, a magical being who lived and worked in the mortal world. Perhaps he had come to the party after work. Deciding that I was done with worrying, I listened to their stories and started to look forward to what tonight would bring.
I almost felt like I belonged here. As we talked, I began to give myself permission to be happy. I don't think I'd let myself be truly happy since I ended up in rehab. It was like I didn't think I deserved it. Like I was living in a constant state of punishment for the bad choices I made. But it was time to let go of that. I'd kept myself from enjoying my life long enough. It was going to take a lot to shake my good mood.
The three of us walked to the dining car. We passed a few open doors and it reminded me of the dorms in college. If you were home and awake, you didn't close your door. It seemed to be the same way here.
My stomach twisted as we crossed into the dining car, which was full of people getting breakfast. Could you still call it that at 4 in the afternoon? As I stepped in through the doorway, I wondered what response I would get. What would the members of the circus say or do after last night? Evangeline had made it sound like they still wanted to hurt me. Had the trapeze performance convinced them that I didn't think I was better than them?
Heads turned and glanced our direction as we found a table and sat down. For a brief moment, conversations stopped, but then they picked up again as heads turned back to whatever they had been doing. The pause was so minute, I wondered if it had been in my head. Between finding out my heritage and taking a leap of faith off the trapeze platform, I seemed to have lessened the bloodlust against me.
"Wait here," Goldie said. She darted over to the counter and picked up some food, carrying back several plates in her hands. She set them down on the table.
Somebody I hadn't met walked over to our table, a familiar looking stainless-steel pot in hand. The woman was tall and blonde with a lithe frame. She looked human. Then I noticed the wings sprouting from her back.
Translucent pink wings fluttered behind her.
I broke my eyes away from her wings and tried not to show how stunned I was to find out that the fairy wings I had seen at the Rose Circus might not be costumes.
"Coffee?" she asked. "Just made a fresh pot."
I almost cried. "Coffee! You have no idea how great you just made my morning."
The pink fairy smiled at me and filled up the mugs that were sitting on the table. "The pot will be on the back counter if you want any more."
"Thank you," I said, taking a deep breath of the comfortable aroma. I didn't even care that I didn't have cream or sugar. I was so happy to have something from my old life present with me. I took a sip, enjoying the warmth.
"We'll show you the showers after this," Bella said. "Then we can start getting dressed for tonight. Takes a few hours to get into full makeup for most of us."
A pair of large hands slammed down on the table and I followed the arms up to the face. Miles was staring down at me. He wore a smile on his face, which made him look more threatening somehow. "So, you seem to be fitting in now."
"What do you want, Miles?" Goldie said.
"Just came to tell Ara what a great job she did last night." He leaned toward me and I leaned back against the chair, trying to create more space between us.
Before he could say or do anything more, he spun around and faced the room. "Don't you all think our newest member did a great job last night?"
Affirmative mumbles in the room sounded in response.
Miles ruffled my hair like one would a small child. "You're okay, kid."
I could feel the flush creeping up my neck into my face. All eyes were on me and I wasn't used to being the center of attention. Though I had to admit, it was nice to feel like they were accepting me. Made it a little less likely that they would try to kill me in my sleep.
29
I shifted my position as I waited in the line for the shower. I'd dealt with shared bathrooms before in the dorms, but I'd never had to wait in line for a single shower. It seemed that the whole of the circus wanted to shower at the same time. I had the unfortunate position of being at the end of the line.
While I was wondering if there were any other showers that were less crowded, I thought back to the bath in Brenon's room. He had a shower all to himself. I guessed there wasn't a line there. I'd already used it once, would he be open to me using it again? Tying the belt tighter on the thin Japanese inspired silk robe Goldie had lent me, I left the line and walked toward the Ringmaster's car.
I knocked on the door and waited, playing with the ends of my sleeves. This was a bad idea. I was holding my breath as I considered how long I should wait before knocking again - or leaving. Honestly, leaving would be the smarter choice. But I didn't have a history of making smart choices. Despite the back and forth with Brenon and I, the feel of his body pressed up against mine while we stood on the
trapeze platform echoed in every fiber of my being. I still wasn't sure why he had this pull on me, but the longer I stayed in the Rose Circus, the more I was starting to feel like my old self.
Before I could lose my nerve, I opened the door. All of the shades were drawn, and I half expected to see Brenon sleeping in his bed, but I was alone. He must be attending to set up for the night or other Ringmaster duties. I shook my head. I'd probably dodged a bullet. Coming off of the adrenaline of the previous night and a good night's sleep, I wasn't sure I could be trusted to not call him out on all of his strange behavior.
I walked over to the little bathroom. If nobody was in here, what was the harm in using the shower? Closing the door behind me, I dropped the robe then pulled the curtain across the tub. The water warmed up quickly, and I stepped into the quiet calm of the hot shower. I doubted I would have had any hot water after the line I had been waiting in. Brenon must have his own hot water tank. If I was going to be stuck on this train for a while, I might sneak in here for all my showers.
Standing under the running water, I let my mind empty, clearing it of all the things I'd had spinning around for far too long. A noise broke my silent meditation and I wiped water away from my eyes. "Hello?"
Peeking out from behind the curtain, I saw Brenon leaning against the sink. His arms crossed over his chest and a smile on his face. He hadn't donned the makeup or top hat yet. In his jeans and faded tee-shirt, he looked almost like any other guy.
I swallowed, feeling nervous. The only thing separating us was a thin curtain. "Sorry. I should have asked."
He dropped his arms and walked over to me. "You're welcome in here any time. It's just going to be hard to keep the rumors away now."
My breath caught and my cheeks felt like they were on fire. Words escaped me. Had anyone seen me come into his room? “I’m sorry.”
He smiled again, showing those sharp teeth. I bit down on the inside of my lip and my whole body tingled in anticipation. When he did that he looked more animal than man, and it scared me that I was drawn to it.
"Might as well give them something to talk about." He pulled his tee-shirt over his head.
My mouth dropped open as my eyes traveled down his muscular chest and rested on his abs.
His fingers began to work on the buttons of his jeans and I panicked, eyes darting back up to his face. "What are you doing?"
He dropped his jeans to the ground and moved closer to the shower. "I'm going to take a shower with you."
I was too shocked to respond but I moved aside as he climbed over the edge of the tub. He reached for one of my hands, which I had clutched across my chest, trying to hide some of the mystery. "Ara, relax."
Slowly, I moved my arms to my sides. I hadn't been naked in front of a man since I was a teenager. I was out of practice and unsure of what I should even do. Then, warning bells rang in my head and I backed up to the other end of the shower. "Wait, the curse. We can't."
He reached over me and grabbed the soap and a washcloth that was hanging under the shower head. "We're just taking a shower."
As he soaped up the washcloth, he moved closer to me.
I pressed myself into the corner, flutters of anticipation filled me as he approached.
Starting with my chest, Brenon began to wash me. His touch was gentle and every so often, he let his fingers brush against my bare skin. Every time his fingers touched me, it sent a tingle through my whole body. It was electric, and I wanted more, but he didn't take it any further. After he'd lathered me up, he handed me the wash cloth. "Your turn."
Feeling disappointed that he was no longer touching me, I took the washcloth from him and soaped it up. I went through the motions of washing his body. Getting my first chance to see the scars up close. They traveled down his neck and crisscrossed his chest. Dropping the wash cloth, I traced the scars with my fingertips as the water washed the soap away. My fingers moved up his chest, to his neck, to his lips. I lingered there, wondering what it would be like to kiss him.
As if he could read my thoughts, he placed his hand on the back of my head, then leaned down just enough that I had to make the final call. I hesitated for only a second before I stretched my neck up for my mouth to meet his. He pulled me closer, our naked bodies pressed together as water ran down us.
I ran my fingers through his hair and down his back, pressing my mouth deeper into the kiss. His hands explored my body and his mouth moved to my neck, then down to my chest, then further down before he came back up again.
Eagerly, I pulled him in for another deep kiss, unable to get enough of him. My whole body ached to keep going. I didn't want to stop. My hands found their way down his waist, and he caught them, pulling them back up to his chest. "Just a shower."
My breathing was heavy, my heart was pounding. I'd never felt this alive before. I didn’t care about the curse. I just wanted Brenon. “Don't stop."
“We have to.” He let go of my hands. "I'm going to get ready for tonight."
As soon as he was out of the shower, I moved under the stream of water and rinsed myself off in the now cool water. What is happening to me?
The water had turned as cold as ice by the time I finally turned it off and stepped out of the shower. A towel was waiting for me on the hook next to the tub and Brenon wasn't in sight. I dried off and pulled the thin robe back over me.
I stared at myself in the foggy mirror as I ran my fingers through my wet hair, working out the tangles. What would I find when I opened that door? My shoulders sunk. So far, every time the Ringmaster had let me get closer to him, he'd seemed to shut down on me for a while after. How long would it be after this encounter? We hadn't had sex, yet it felt more intimate in some ways. It felt like it had been about being as close as we could to each other.
Facing the door, I took a deep breath. I knew I'd have to leave the bathroom eventually. When I opened the door, I expected to see the darkened room, empty of all inhabitants. I didn't expect to see Brenon buttoning his shirt. His jacket was draped over a chair, top hat on the seat.
"Big night tonight," he said.
"That's what I keep hearing." I was still stunned that he was standing there, getting dressed as if nothing happened.
"You are going to have the time of your life," he said.
I felt foolish, but I needed reassurance. I wanted to know this wasn't some random fluke. "Am I going to get to see you at all tonight?"
"First half of the night will be me running the show." He finished the last button and walked over to me. "The last half is all you and me."
His words sent shivers down my spine. "What will the others say?"
He tilted my chin up with his fingers. "Let them talk. It's Fire Festival night, and we are going to enjoy ourselves."
His mouth met mine and every objection that had risen in my mind melted away. It was one night. I could give myself permission to let go for one night.
30
After I left Brenon's room, I felt like I was floating. For too long, I had lived in a black and white world. I'd worried about every choice, every action, every exam grade, and term paper. My whole life was about pleasing others and never stepping a toe out of line.
I'd been afraid that if I let myself have any fun, I would bring back the old Ara, the one who partied too much and paid too steep a price. I'd worried that if I slipped, Ryder would follow the path I had taken. Tonight, I could find balance. Ryder was safely at college, and I had learned that I could let myself have some fun without going too far. I was determined to enjoy myself and let in a little bit of the old Ara.
Goldie's room was covered in clothes, makeup, and other random beauty products when I arrived. Goldie herself was in a strappless black dress that would have blended into a human cocktail party. It was a change from the outlandish clothing I'd seen over the last few days. "You're just in time to get ready." She grabbed my arm and pulled me into her room.
In a flutter of activity, I was swept up in the process. Clothes and laughter and
makeup became a blur. I was pulled into the excitement of the evening. My fears and unease were forgotten while I got lost in the moment of being an average girl getting ready for a night out.
Granted, our night out was to a massive bonfire at a huge festival full of supernatural beings, but every time my mind reminded me of that, I pushed the thought away and found something to distract me. I didn't want to worry anymore. I wanted to have fun for the night. Just one night. Tomorrow I'd start worrying about how I was going to outsmart Terra so I could get my old life back.
A knock on the door startled me and I dropped the lipstick I was holding. Goldie ran to open it. "Is it time to go? Did we miss the call?"
I turned to see Bella enter the room. Tonight, she wore a sequin-covered gold dress. It shimmered in the red light of Goldie's room. "Almost. They haven't made the call yet, but they will soon. You two better finish."
She plopped down on Goldie's bed. "The whole train is going on and on about some juicy gossip, Goldie. You haven't heard it yet, have you?"
Bella leaned back on the bed, a knowing smile on her face. I turned away from her as my face went crimson.
"What?" Goldie let out a squeal. "What did I miss?"
"Seems our beloved Ringmaster had a friend join him in the shower," Bella said.
I could feel their eyes on me. How did they know?
Goldie let out a gasp. "No!"
"Yet here we are, still cursed," Bella said. "So, maybe the rumors are wrong. Or maybe a Sayge can’t break the curse.“
Goldie grabbed hold of me and spun me around to face them. "Is it true?"
I'd never been one to discuss my love life and with the weight of the curse on my shoulders, it was even worse. My cheeks were hot. I covered my face with my hands.
Goldie let out another squeal. "Tell. Us. Everything."
Dropping my hands, I let out a sigh. "Does everybody know?"
Bella nodded. "There are no secrets in the Rose Circus. Everyone knows everyone's business."