A Daughter's Choice

by Cathy Sharp

  Billy watched as I opened my nightgown and held the child to my breast. He latched on to the nipple immediately, sucking strongly.

  ‘He knows how, if I don’t!’ I smiled at Billy in amusement and saw that he was also watching the child feed with a silly tender expression on his face.

  ‘He’s a fighter,’ Billy said and I saw something like hunger in his eyes. I realized that the child had somehow tugged at Billy’s heartstrings in a way I would not have thought possible, given the circumstances. ‘Thank you for lettin’ Tom think he was ours …’

  Something in his tone touched my heart, and I began to remember that it had been good between us at the beginning. Perhaps if we both tried it could be again.

  ‘He is ours – if you want him to be, Billy?’

  He came over to the bed and sat on the edge, reaching out to touch the child’s head. There was quite a bit of dark hair, which he smoothed back with his finger.

  ‘Do yer mean that, Kathy? Can yer forgive the way I’ve been with yer recently?’

  ‘Can you forgive me, Billy? Can you forget that I cheated you?’

  ‘I’ll try. I’ll really try this time. I want us ter be a family, and I’d like a child of me own when you’re well again, Kathy.’

  ‘We’ll have more than one,’ I promised, feeling the sting of tears. It was my fault Billy had been so bad tempered for the past few months. Almost any man would have felt the same if they’d had to watch their wife carrying another man’s child. ‘Give me time to get my strength back and it can all be as you hoped before we were married. I want us to be happy, too.’

  I vowed to myself that I would be a good wife to Billy. I would forget that I loved someone else, forget that look in Tom’s eyes when he had placed our child in my arms.

  ‘Yeah.’ Billy grinned at me. ‘You’re still the best lookin’ woman in the lanes, Kathy. I’ll work ’ard fer yer. Ma says yer need new clothes, and I’m goin’ ter get ’em fer yer – pretty things what you’ll be proud to wear. And our kid’s goin’ ter ’ave the best an’ all. I’ll find us a house of our own and we’ll be great together.’

  I hadn’t seen a light in Billy’s eyes like this for months, and I knew he really meant to try this time.

  ‘What shall we call him?’

  Billy thought for a moment. ‘What about Tommy? You’d both be dead if it weren’t for Tom O’Rourke.’

  ‘We could make that his second name if you like. I thought we might call him Michael, after your father.’

  ‘That would please me da,’ Billy said. ‘Yeah, you’re right, Kathy. We’ll have him christened Michael Thomas Ryan.’

  I smiled and looked down at the child contentedly suckling at my breast. It was a good name – Michael Thomas Ryan, but it wasn’t the name he ought to have had.

  Eight

  ‘He’s lovely, Kathy,’ Bridget said as she stopped to look in the pram at Mickey. ‘And you keep him so beautifully, too.’

  ‘It’s Billy,’ I said and chuckled as I bent to tuck the new lace covers about my sleeping child. ‘He’s always coming home with something for one of us these days. And if I spent all the money he tells me to, Mickey would never get through all the toys and clothes.’

  ‘Yes, I’ve noticed your Billy is doing well these days,’ Bridget said. ‘He must work all hours to be able to buy the things he does for you – these prams cost a fortune in the big stores up west. It’s new, isn’t it?’

  ‘I saw one advertised second-hand and I asked Billy if we could afford it. He came home with this – said he wasn’t going to put his son in someone else’s cast-offs.’

  ‘Yes, I thought it looked new.’ Bridget looked thoughtful. ‘I’m so pleased everything is going well for you, Kathy. You seemed a bit down before the baby came, but you’re certainly blooming now.’

  ‘I feel marvellous,’ I told her. ‘Billy is so good to me these days – and all my friends have sent presents. Billy asked Tom to be Mickey’s godfather, you know. He wrote and said he wouldn’t be able to come but he sent us a silver teething ring. It’s a lovely thing, Bridget, and must have been very expensive.’

  ‘Well, he did bring Mickey into the world,’ Bridget said. ‘I would be surprised if he’d said he would come to the christening, because he’s so busy and he seems to spend most of his time abroad these days. He’s had offers of good jobs here in London at three of the big hospitals, but he says he likes being in France, though he pops back every now and then. He went down to Bournemouth and took Amy out to lunch on her birthday. Fancy, all that way just for lunch.’

  ‘He came right from France to take her out? But I suppose he comes over by aeroplane. They’ve started a regular passenger service between London and Paris now, haven’t they?’

  ‘Tom says it’s safer than crossing the roads up west,’ Bridget said and laughed. ‘He’s a world traveller these days, Kathy. He was talking of spending some time in Italy and Spain, and they are after him in America. Apparently, he’s one of the leading experts in the treatment of burns.’

  ‘Yes, I know. Everyone said he was marvellous and his patients thought the world of him. The hospital where we both worked was sorry to lose him.’

  ‘Tom said you were good friends while you were nursing … went out together a few times.’

  ‘Yes, we did,’ I said, bending down to fuss with the pram covers unnecessarily. ‘Well, I had better go, Bridget. I’ve got a lot of washing and ironing to do before Billy gets home. We’re all going to Blackpool for a few days, you know. Maggie has always wanted a holiday there and Billy is going to treat his parents as well as us.’

  ‘That will be nice for you all,’ Bridget said. ‘Maggie told me yesterday. She’s very excited about it.’

  ‘Yes, she is.’ I laughed. ‘She’s been going round the house like a blue-tailed fly all week. I asked her why she had to clean everything when we were going away, and she said she couldn’t leave the house dirty.’

  ‘As if there was a speck of dust anywhere in the first place,’ Bridget said and shook her head. ‘Well, I shan’t keep you – enjoy your holiday, love.’

  ‘We shall, thank you.’

  I began to wheel the pram towards the house. Michael Thomas had been born at the end of May 1919 and it was now the end of April 1920. He was a healthy, thriving boy with a good appetite and long weaned. I was sure that he would start to walk any day now. He was already crawling all over the place and could shoot across the room the moment your back was turned and be in the coal bucket before you knew where you were. And Billy swore blind that he had called him Dadda when he picked him up from his cot a few days previously.

  The first thing Billy did when he came home in the evenings was to go up and look at Mickey, and if he cried when he was at home, he would have him out of the cot and nurse him until he slept. However, Mickey was a contented baby and hardly ever disturbed our sleep these days, and Billy seemed able to make him chuckle when he was out of sorts.

  I could hardly believe how my life had changed since Mickey was born. Billy seemed as if he couldn’t do enough to please me, and he was more than generous – too generous. I tried to save a little when I could, because Billy threw his money around as if it grew on trees.

  ‘There’s plenty more where that came from,’ he’d said once when I questioned him. ‘Don’t you worry your pretty head about money, Kathy. I told you I would give you everything you wanted, and I shall. All I want is for you to look pretty and be happy.’

  ‘But I don’t need all you give me. Save a little in case you should find yourself out of work, Billy. Not everyone is doing as well as you, you know. I hear lots of hard luck stories when I go down the market – men looking for work and their families near starving.’

  ‘Mugs, the lot of ’em,’ Billy said with a grin. ‘I work ’ard, Kathy. I ain’t goin’ ter lose me job, don’t yer worry.’

  I knew better than to argue with him. Billy’s temper was much better these days, but it could still erupt if he was pushed, an
d I had learned not to dent his pride. It meant a lot to him to provide for his family, and he wasn’t content to provide food and a roof over our heads like most of the men in the lanes. We had to have the best, because it suited Billy’s image of himself. I hadn’t realized before how proud he was, but now I was beginning to understand the man I had married.

  He was even talking of buying us a house of our own, which was why we hadn’t yet moved from Maggie’s house.

  ‘I don’t see why we should pay rent to someone else when we can buy a house fer ourselves,’ he’d said when I’d told him there was a house to rent in Brewery Lane. ‘We’ll wait a bit longer, Kathy – and then I’ll give yer the biggest surprise of yer life.’

  Sometimes I worried about where all the money was coming from. I knew he was the foreman at the warehouse where he worked and that his bosses thought well of him, but could he earn all the money he spent at his daytime job?

  Billy often went out in the evenings, and it wasn’t to the pub these days. He hadn’t come home drunk once since Mickey was born, and he’d hinted that he had another job in the evenings. I wondered what sort of a job would pay him the kind of money that allowed him to be so generous to his family, but I hadn’t dared to ask. Things were good between us at the moment and I didn’t want to spoil them.

  ‘Look at that, she’s a real beauty.’ Billy tugged at my arm, pulling me in the direction of a smart roadster parked at the edge of the kerb. ‘How would you like to go for a spin in one like that, Kathy?’

  We were walking along the promenade at Blackpool, on our way to an early evening show. Maggie was looking after the baby so that we could have some time together.

  It had been a mild spring day and the evening – the last of our holiday – was pleasant. I laughed as Billy enthused over the sporty little car with its big shiny wheels, huge headlamps and leather upholstery.

  ‘I’ll bet that cost an arm and a leg to buy,’ I said. ‘We couldn’t afford something like that, Billy.’

  ‘Maybe not exactly like this one – it’s a Bentley – but we will soon.’ The cocky grin on his face alarmed me. ‘It won’t be long before I can afford something very like this, Kathy. Once we get all the expenses of the move settled.’

  ‘What move?’ I grabbed at his arm. ‘What are you talking about?’

  He grinned and tapped the side of his nose in an irritating way. ‘It’s a secret – a surprise fer yer, Kathy.’

  ‘You just tell me right now, Billy Ryan or I’ll …’ I pulled at the revers of his jacket as he tipped his head on one side. ‘Don’t you dare look at me like that. I want to know. Have you found us a house – where is it?’

  ‘It’s in Brewery Lane. I’ve bought that house you wanted us to rent and had it done up a bit.’

  ‘Billy! You haven’t!’ I looked at him excitedly. I’d been afraid he might get something away from the lanes and all our friends, and I wanted to stay close to Maggie and Bridget. ‘Oh, Billy, a house of our very own!’ I hugged him right there in the street, kissing the side of his face. ‘I can’t believe it – it’s so wonderful.’

  ‘Well, don’t drown me,’ he said. ‘What yer cryin’ fer? I thought you’d be ’appy?’

  ‘I am. You know I am. I’m crying because I’m so excited.’

  ‘That’s all right then,’ he said. ‘We’ll go and ’ave a drink to celebrate before the show.’

  Somehow we never did get to see that show. Billy was full of himself as he told me how he’d planned the surprise for me, swearing his parents to secrecy while the house was being decorated and furnished.

  I was a little disappointed when Billy said that the curtains and furniture were already in place. It was my first home and I’d looked forward to choosing the things myself, but I couldn’t tell him because it would have spoiled his pleasure in the surprise.

  The time had slipped by as we talked and then we realized we had missed the start of the show.

  ‘I wasn’t bothered much anyway,’ Billy said. ‘We can see better shows up west any day, Kathy. We’ll ’ave a few more drinks, then get an early night.’

  That look in his eyes meant he wanted to make love to me. Billy had been very considerate towards me in bed since Mickey was born. At first he’d been afraid to touch me.

  ‘I shan’t break,’ I’d promised once I was sure my body was healed sufficiently. ‘We’ve just got to be careful we don’t have a baby too soon.’

  Billy had been careful most of the time. Once or twice when he’d had a few drinks he’d forgotten, but I hadn’t fallen and I wondered if perhaps nature had its own way of arranging things.

  Billy was very affectionate as we walked back to our hotel later. He had his arm about my waist and kept nuzzling at my neck.

  ‘People are looking, Billy.’

  ‘Let them. I don’t care.’

  Billy wasn’t drunk but he’d had more than he usually did these days and his hand moved up to caress my breast through the material of my clothes. I tried to move away from him, but he clasped me firmly to his side and I saw a couple of men grin at each other as we passed them by.

  ‘Just wait until we get home, Billy Ryan!’

  ‘I’m burstin’ out o’ me breeches with the thought of it!’

  I gave him a reproving look but I couldn’t be cross with him for long. He had tried so hard to please me, and I knew I was very lucky. Few girls who married lads from the lanes could look forward to the kind of life I’d been leading these past months.

  Billy started to undress me the minute our door was closed. Our son was staying in Maggie’s room for the night, because he’d been sleeping and we hadn’t wanted to disturb him.

  ‘You’ve got lovely tits,’ Billy said, bending his head to suck at the nipples, catching them with his teeth and tugging gently. ‘And real slim hips. Most women get fat after a baby, but not you, Kathy.’

  ‘I’m just lucky.’

  I smiled up at him as we lay down together and he began to caress my body, taking his time to arouse me and seeming to draw pleasure from just looking at me.

  ‘Basher said you ’ad the looks of a film star. I told ’im to keep his bleedin’ thoughts and eyes to ’imself or I’d black ’em fer ’im.’

  ‘Who is Basher? I haven’t heard you mention him before.’

  ‘Just someone I work with sometimes.’

  Billy slid his hand between my legs, his body covering mine as he thrust deep inside me. Any further questions I might have asked were lost beneath his hungry assault on my body and senses. I was relaxed and content to let him have his way, responding as I always did whether I wanted to make love or not.

  It was usually good between us. I did not always reach the ultimate climax of love, but that night my body throbbed with pleasure and I gasped his name as we clung together at the last.

  ‘You’re mine,’ Billy breathed against my ear as I was drifting off to sleep. ‘I’d kill any bugger what touched yer.’

  ‘Oh, Billy, don’t be daft.’

  He had made threats so often that I no longer felt alarmed by them. It was just Billy talking. He always had to be the dominant one. However, I did wonder what kind of a man went by the name of Basher – and exactly what kind of work did he and Billy do together?

  We moved to our new house a few days after our return from Blackpool. The curtains were a pretty blue and white flower pattern, which went with the blue carpet square in the front parlour. It looked better than I had expected and I was excited by our new home.

  ‘Oh, it’s lovely, Billy,’ I said as he took me round. ‘And I like the furniture.’

  There was a sideboard made of a pale wood with a stringing of ebony, an oak gateleg table with four chairs in the same style of barley sugar twist legs, a sofa covered in a dark blue upholstery and two elbow chairs by the fireplace.

  ‘This is just fer a start,’ Billy said preening. He was obviously very proud of the house and what he’d bought for us. ‘When yer ready yer can get more bits and pieces. I
wanted somethin’ we could move into as soon as the house was finished, but yer can change things as we go along.’

  ‘You spoil me, Billy.’

  ‘You’re worth it.’ He smiled. ‘Come on, I’ll show yer the bedrooms.’

  I knew that look in his eyes. He pounced on me as soon as we were in our bedroom, and we had to try out the new bed. When he was in this kind of mood Billy was fun to be with, and I went along with him, kissing him and responding freely to his loving.

  It was only later, when I had started to unpack some of our things, that I realized it was the second time recently that we had forgotten to be careful.

  I came from the toilet three weeks later having been violently sick. It was a Sunday morning and Billy had been having a bit of a lie-in for a change. He looked at me expectantly as I sat on the padded stool in front of the dressing table, feeling drained and unwell.

  ‘What’s wrong, love? I ’eard yer bein’ sick. Did yer eat somethin’ what disagreed with yer?’

  ‘I think it means I’m pregnant, Billy.’

  He pushed himself up in bed, his gaze narrowing thoughtfully as he looked at me. ‘Are yer sure?’

  ‘I’m not certain yet, but I think the signs are there. My breasts feel a bit different – and morning sickness is one of the surest signs.’

  ‘Are yer mad at me, Kathy? Fer not bein’ more careful?’

  Something about the way he was looking at me told me that he wasn’t really surprised. He had deliberately neglected to be careful that night on holiday, and again when he was showing me over the house that first day. Billy had wanted me to get pregnant. He meant to put his mark on me, because I was his wife – his possession.

  This past year, he’d accepted Mickey as his son, but now he was impatient for a child of his own. As usual he hadn’t consulted my wishes, he’d just gone ahead and done what suited him.

  A part of me was angry over the way he’d behaved. I would have liked a little more time between babies, but I wasn’t going to risk everything we had built together by quarrelling over something that couldn’t be changed.