by Cathy Sharp
‘Yes, one day,’ I promised and kissed him. ‘Go upstairs now, darling. I want to talk to Bridget. I’ll be up in a minute.’
‘He’s a beautiful child,’ Bridget said after he had gone. ‘And so is Sarah, of course. But Mickey is so bright and clever – and so full of energy!’
‘He’s that all right,’ I said and laughed. ‘It takes all my time keeping up with him. Thank you for what you did today, Bridget. I’m glad he wasn’t here when the police came; he understands too much and it would have frightened him. They were here for two hours, but they didn’t find anything, of course.’
Her expression was serious as she looked at me. ‘Have you thought about what you’re going to do, Kathy?’
‘I’m not sure. I don’t think I can stay here much longer. As soon as things settle I shall have to look for somewhere to live.’
‘Tom will be home soon …’
‘Unless we can prove Tom isn’t my uncle …’ I sighed as my voice tailed off. ‘Ernie Cole was round here earlier threatening me. I’ve decided I’m not going round there anymore and he says he’ll spread rumours about Tom and me, and I think he means it. He’s a vicious, bitter man.’
‘If he tries it I’ll sort him out,’ Bridget said. ‘Leave it until after the funeral, Kathy – and then I’ll go to see him with you and we’ll hear what he has to say to me.’
‘He hates you and your family, Bridget. It might be better if you didn’t go near. He’s so violent these days. He’s capable of anything, believe me.’
‘He didn’t try to hurt you, did he?’
‘He tried but I threatened him with the poker.’
‘Be careful of him, Kathy.’ Bridget looked serious. ‘It might be best if we wait until Tom gets home before we speak to him – all of us together. Just be careful you’re never alone with him.’
Sarah was stirring in her pushchair. I bent to pick her up and she gave me a sleepy smile and a wet kiss.
‘I’d better take her up and give both of them a wash before they go to bed. We’ll talk again another time, Bridget.’
‘I’ve got to go and see Maggie,’ Bridget sighed and looked upset. ‘Joe told me what she said to you. She didn’t mean the half of it, Kathy. I’ve known Maggie for years and she sometimes flies off the handle, then she regrets it and says she’s sorry. I’m sure she will come round and apologize to you before long.’
In thinking that Maggie would soon relent, Bridget was wrong. Maggie was harbouring a deep resentment against me, and she blamed me for Billy’s death. Bridget told me about it when she came round again the next day.
‘I’ve never known her to be this way,’ she said, clearly distressed. ‘She wouldn’t speak to me except to say that I was sure to take your side because of Tom – and we’ve been friends for years. We could always talk things over, no matter what.’
‘I’m sorry, Bridget. Sorry you’ve fallen out with Maggie over me.’
‘Maggie has fallen out with me. As far as I’m concerned, we’re still friends. If she gets over her paddy we’ll go on as if nothing had happened – and I’m sure she will once she’s had time to think things through. I know Maggie, she can’t go on like this forever.’
‘She told me I wouldn’t be wanted at the funeral.’
Bridget looked shocked. ‘She shouldn’t have said that to you. Billy is your husband. You must go, Kathy, of course you will. Joe and I will go with you. Maggie might ignore you, but she won’t make a scene in church.’
‘What about the children? I can’t take them.’
‘I’ll ask Amy to look after them for you. As you know, she’s been away at art college for the past year or more, but her course is finished now and she’s finally coming home – though I don’t know if she’ll settle down here. Joe hoped she would go in for something useful like teaching, but she doesn’t seem to know what she wants to do. She likes drawing things, but there’s not much of a future in that for a woman. I suppose she’ll get married in a couple of years or so.’
‘She will find it different coming back to the lanes after that fancy school of hers.’
‘Well, she might go and stop with Lainie for a while up west. Amy likes her aunt, and Lainie has her own dress shop these days. I think I did tell you that when I got her letter, didn’t I?’ Bridget sighed and I sensed that she was unhappy at the idea that her daughter would rather live with her aunt than stay in her own home.
‘Yes, you told me Lainie’s late employer had left her quite a bit of property. I saw her walking up the lane once with Amy, but she doesn’t come to visit often, does she?’
‘Lainie hates being reminded of the past. Things were bad for her when she lived around here, Kathy.’
‘Gran told me your mother used to get in dreadful tempers. But you came back, Bridget, and you stayed.’
‘Joe has suggested buying a house in a nicer location several times, but I like it here. My friends are here.’ Bridget’s face clouded. ‘Anyway, to get back to what we were saying – Amy will look after the children. She likes children, even if she doesn’t care much for living in the lanes. You have to go to Billy’s funeral, Kathy. No one has the right to stop you, and Mick will tell Maggie so. He’ll make her behave decently to you. And whatever happens afterwards, Joe and me will be there with you.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘And I am sorry that Maggie isn’t speaking to you because of me.’
Maggie showed no sign of relenting as the day of the funeral drew near, but Mick Ryan came to see me. Mickey was his favourite, and he had brought toffee apples and fudge from the midsummer fair, which had been held by the river earlier that week. The children fell on him with delight, Sarah crawling into his lap to be nursed while Mickey pulled at his shirt and asked him when they were going to play football together.
‘Soon,’ he promised and ruffled the boy’s hair. ‘Run away now and take Sarah with you. I want to talk to your ma.’
He was silent as Mickey took Sarah by the hand and led her through the house into the back yard, where we could soon hear him encouraging his sister to play his favourite game with him.
‘He’s a fine boy,’ Mick said. ‘We shall miss him when you take him away, Kathy.’
‘I could bring him to see you sometimes.’
‘That would be a grand thing,’ he said. ‘We shall be sorry not to see you and the children, Kathy. We’ve other grandchildren, but their parents have scattered all over the country. It won’t be the same when you’ve gone.’
‘I don’t think I can stay here, Mick. I had a letter from a solicitor this morning asking what I intend to do about the money owing on the house.’
‘You mean Billy never paid for it?’ He frowned at me. ‘All that money he was throwin’ around and he hadn’t paid for his house. You didn’t tell Maggie about that, Kathy.’
‘I didn’t tell her because it would have worried her. There are other debts too. The lawyer says that if I am willing to move out of the house all Billy’s debts can be settled without further trouble to me.’
‘And what if you don’t want to move?’
‘I’m not sure. I think they would take the house back and throw me out – but it doesn’t matter, because I have to go anyway.’
‘Yes, I can see that.’ He nodded and looked at me thoughtfully for a moment. ‘Have you been very unhappy, lass? You can tell me the truth, you know. I’ve no illusions about our Billy.’
‘It was all right some of the time, but I should never have married Billy. Maggie is right. It was unfair to him. I didn’t mean to hurt him, but he kept insisting we were getting married and I didn’t have the courage to say no. I was sorry afterwards and I wished I’d told him the truth – but it was too late.’
‘Billy was too proud for his own good,’ Mick said and looked saddened. ‘Maggie is much like him. She’s hurting over all this, Kathy. She won’t admit it and she won’t apologize to you, lass, but she loves you and the children and this is tearing her apart.’
‘I want
to be friends, Mick, but when she saw me in the street the other day she crossed to the other side to avoid me. I can’t force her to speak to me if she doesn’t want to. Bridget has tried to make it up with her, but she just refuses to listen.’
‘Aye, she’s like that – stubborn as a mule when she gets somethin’ in her bonnet.’ Mick grinned wryly. ‘We had some right old barneys when we were younger. I’ve known the day she wasn’t above takin’ a rolling pin to me and chasing me up the street with it.’
‘I know, Gran told me that once.’ I gave a strangled laugh that was half a sob. ‘I care about Maggie, too. She was my friend even though she knew–’
‘That Mickey wasn’t Billy’s?’ Mick nodded, his gaze sympathetic. ‘He knew about it, Kathy. I think he suspected it even before you were married.’
‘Did he? I don’t see how he could.’
‘Men know these things. He still wanted you, Kathy – and he never stopped loving you. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. Maggie won’t admit it, but Billy had been in trouble before – as a lad. He was caught stealing a couple of times and lucky not to have been prosecuted for it. I took a stick to him and hoped it would cure him, but in my heart I knew it wouldn’t. It was always in him, Kathy. Before he went in the Army he was in with bad company. I suspected it and I was glad he’d had to join up – at least it kept him out of trouble for a while.’
‘Maggie never told me that.’
‘No, she wouldn’t. She could never admit to herself that Billy wasn’t a good lad – but deep down she knows it. She knows that it wasn’t your fault he did what he did, Kathy – and one of these days she’ll be sorry. The only trouble is it may be too late.’
‘Oh, Mick …’ the tears were streaming down my face. ‘Thank you so much for telling me all this. I’ve been feeling so rotten, thinking it was my fault that Billy got into trouble’
‘I knew you would be,’ Mick said. ‘That’s why I came to see you. I didn’t want you to ruin the rest of your life over something that couldn’t be helped. Billy would have slipped into his old ways sooner or later whether you married him or not.’
I went on thinking about what Mick had said for a long time after he had left. If Maggie knew all this then she was being unfair, but I couldn’t blame her. Billy’s death had hurt her, as it had hurt us all. I hadn’t told the children yet, because I wasn’t sure what to tell them, but Mickey had asked once or twice where his father was and I was going to have to tell him very soon.
The day of Billy’s funeral was cool and overcast, but not as cold as Maggie’s icy stare when she saw us enter the church. Any hope that she might relent was squashed as I saw her expression. Mick had said that she cared for me deep down, but from the way she looked at me that seemed unlikely. Perhaps she had once, but Billy’s death had hardened her heart against me.
However, respect for the church prevented her from making a fuss during the ceremony, and Bridget, Joe and I left immediately after the coffin was placed in the ground. I hadn’t cried, although my heart ached. I didn’t love Billy in the way a woman should love her husband, but there had been a warm affection between us for a while. It was only after things had started to go badly wrong that I had begun desperately to wish myself free of my marriage.
Maggie started after me as I walked away from the churchyard, but Mick held her back. I saw him say something to her in a low voice; she glared at him, and then sagged against him, as if her anger had given way to grief.
‘I’ll go round later,’ Bridget said as we walked away. ‘Maggie is a fool to herself. I’ll see if I can talk her round, Kathy.’
I nodded but didn’t answer her. At that moment I was feeling empty and alone. I wished that Tom would come back so that I could talk to him. I needed someone I could open my heart to but I knew it was unlikely that he would be back for some time. He had gone to see if he could find Jamie, but I needed him here.
I tried to explain to Mickey the day after the funeral that his daddy had gone away to a better place.
‘Why didn’t he take us with him, Mamma?’ His eyes were large and serious as he gazed at me. ‘Didn’t he like us any more?’
‘Daddy had to go,’ I said. ‘Sometimes people are called to a place called heaven and they have to go whether they want to or not.’
‘Is he with God? Granny says good souls go to heaven to be with God and the bad ones go to hell to be burned by the devil.’
‘Granny tells lots of tales like that because she is a Catholic,’ I said. ‘I’m not a Catholic, Mickey, and I don’t think anyone goes to hell to be burned by the devil. I believe that whether someone is good or bad God forgives and loves him, and we all go to heaven one day.’
Mickey nodded. ‘Does that mean we’ll see Daddy one day?’
‘Perhaps – but not in this life. When we’re all good souls with the angels.’
‘Then he won’t hit you any more?’
‘No, he won’t hit any of us any more.’ I stroked his hair. ‘Daddy didn’t mean to be unkind – he just got upset sometimes.’
‘I’m glad he won’t hit you any more, Mamma.’ Mickey hugged me, burying his face against me, his voice muffled by tears. ‘I love you and I didn’t love Daddy when he was bad to you. You won’t go away and leave Sarah and me, will you?’
‘Oh, Mickey, no I shan’t leave you.’ I held him as the tears trickled down my cheeks. ‘I love you too, my darling. I love you so much.’
‘Will it just be me and Sarah and you, now? Granny and Granny Bridget, too?’ Mickey gazed at me, touching the tears on my cheeks with his fingertips. ‘Why doesn’t Granny love us any more? Granda came to see us, but Granny doesn’t love us.’
‘Of course she does,’ I said and held him close. ‘We all love you, but Granny is sad because Daddy went away. She loves you really and I’m sure she will come to see you soon.’
I thought about what my son had said for several days. Maggie had shown no sign of relenting, and I was beginning to feel angry. She knew that Billy had been in trouble long before he married me and yet she persisted in blaming me for everything.
It wasn’t fair. I didn’t mind her taking her grief and anger out on me, but it wasn’t fair to make the children suffer. Both Mickey and Sarah missed her and it hurt me to know that my son believed she had stopped loving him.
A week after the funeral I made up my mind that I’d had enough of it, and I decided to do something. I put Sarah in the pushchair and took Mickey by the hand, marching them up the road to Bridget’s house.
She looked pleased when she opened the door, but then a bit anxious as she saw the militant expression in my eyes.
‘What’s wrong, Kathy?’
‘Will you have the children for me for an hour or so please, Bridget?’
‘Yes, of course, but what are you going to do?’
‘I have to see Maggie. I can’t let this go on any longer – it’s upsetting the children.’
She looked at me doubtfully. ‘Are you sure about this?’
‘Yes, I am. I have to have it out with her.’
‘I’ve tried, Kathy. She won’t listen to me.’
‘Then perhaps she’ll listen to what I have to tell her.’
I left Bridget to take the children in, then turned and walked back down the road to Maggie’s house. I was buoyed up by my anger. I’d had enough of being treated as if I was the wicked witch. So, I’d made a mistake in marrying Billy without telling him the truth, but that didn’t mean it was my fault he was dead. I banged the knocker hard several times.
Maggie was a moment or two before she answered, and when she did come her hands were covered in flour as if she had been baking. She stared at me in silence for a moment and I thought she was about to tell me to go away, then she stood back to let me enter.
‘You had better come in,’ she said icily. ‘We don’t want to let the whole street hear us.’
‘I don’t care who hears,’ I said. ‘I’ve had enough of hiding and hanging my head in s
hame. I made a mistake, Maggie. I admit it but I’ve paid for what I did – a hundred times and more.’
‘Billy has paid more,’ she said as she led the way into the kitchen. She wiped her hands on a towel and then motioned to a chair. ‘You can sit down if you like.’
‘I’d rather stand,’ I said. ‘I haven’t come here today to grovel, Maggie. I’m going to say what I have to say and then I’ll go. It’s up to you whether I come back again or not.’
‘Get on with it then.’
‘I know you blame me for Billy’s death, but it wasn’t my fault. I tried to tell him not to get involved with … that man, but he would not listen. Billy went his own way, you know that. You know he wouldn’t listen to anyone.’
‘Aye, I know that. He was always headstrong, but it was your fault that he was miserable, Kathy. You can’t deny that it was you that hurt him. He wouldn’t have got into bad ways if he hadn’t been trying to get things for you.’
‘I didn’t ask him to buy me things. I told him I didn’t need all he gave me.’
‘He wanted to make sure you didn’t go running off with another man.’
‘All he had to do was be nice to the kids and me. I wouldn’t have left him if he hadn’t started hitting Mickey and me.’
‘He wouldn’t hit the children. He loved Mickey! Don’t tell me lies, Kathy.’
‘You ask Mickey about it,’ I said. ‘He was so scared that he pulled Sarah in the cupboard under the stairs, dragging her on her bottom because he couldn’t lift her. He was scared because Billy was shouting and hitting me and he thought he might hurt them too. That’s why I made up my mind to leave him – not for my own sake, but for the children.’
‘You’re just saying this.’ Maggie stared at me, her face red and then white. ‘You know it’s your fault and you’re trying to push the blame on my Billy.’
‘It’s the truth – and I’m fairly certain that he put that toy on the stairs hoping I would trip and lose the baby.’
‘That’s a wicked lie! May God forgive you.’ Maggie crossed herself feverishly. ‘You’re a wicked woman, Kathy Ryan.’