by Tyler Grey
But I didn’t feel that way anymore. I had never been this confused. Sometimes I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. The devastation I would feel would come over me all of a sudden, and I’d literally feel sick from it. Sometimes I really did get sick. I was eating better than before, but I was still throwing up at least once a day. I couldn’t help myself. Something inside me would turn, and I would run to the bathroom. Sometimes I just felt sad. Other times I felt numb. Every now and again I would feel normal or something would make me smile, but that would immediately be followed by guilt. A guilt I had never felt before. How could I smile if my mother had died?
I tried to think back to how I had felt when my father had passed away. I remembered crying myself to sleep for about a week. I remembered how sad and confused I had felt. But it hadn’t felt anything quite like this. I guessed then I had my mother to turn to.
It was different this time around. It felt too final. How could both my parents be taken away in a car accident? In a different car accident, years apart? When I thought of this, I would feel angry. I even went to the gym once, to see if I could let my anger out on the treadmill like I had before. But it didn’t work. I would feel better only while I was running, but the moment I stopped, the grief would hit me again, perhaps even harder than before. It would knock me in the gut, and I’d literally bend over in pain. Someone had come up to me, to ask if I was okay, and I’d mumbled something and rushed off before they could see the pain in my eyes.
While I was eating, it wasn’t as much as before, and because I still got sick, I didn’t have much in my system. My energy was low, and I couldn’t seem to bring it back up. I’d been called feisty before, but that definitely wasn’t the word to describe me now. What was I now? Weak? Would I ever be feisty again?
I was sitting in Betty’s office again. It was the one thing I most looked forward to. I didn’t know why. I tried to ignore my feelings, but for that one hour, twice a week, I felt as if it was okay to relish in them. It was the one time I allowed myself to really think about what had happened.
“And, how are you doing, Paisley? Are you still crying?”
I nodded. “Every day. Although, I generally don’t cry during the day. Only at night.”
“That’s very normal. Most people cry at night. There are fewer distractions then. It’s the one time that we can’t hide behind something else. This is very normal, Paisley.”
I liked it when she used that word. I had never wanted to be more normal in my entire life — normal meant that everything was okay.
“Does it really get easier? Sometimes I think it will, and then other times, I think that I will feel this way for the rest of my life.”
“You will never forget about the pain. You will carry it around with you everywhere, but it will be a different sort of pain. One day, you will be able to think about your mom and not cry. You’ll remember all the good times, and you’ll use her words and your memories to see you through life. You’ll become a better and stronger person because of it. I know this because I speak from experience.”
I looked at her in surprise. “You do?”
She nodded. “I do. Look, I don’t often talk about my own personal life with clients. But I feel a sort of kinship with you. I thought it the moment I saw you. I recognize myself in you. I also lost my parents in a car accident. It was sudden and shocking. The worst part was I’d had an argument with my mother the night before, over something so stupid. I battled to forgive myself for that.
“It was hard, Paisley. It was very hard. I know what you are going through is different, because it’s fresh and it’s new, and it’s happening to you. But I once went through something very similar to you.”
“And, you got through it,” I said.
“I got through it. I still think about them every day. I still wonder how life would’ve been if they hadn’t died. It still hurts. But it’s a different sort of hurt. It’s hard to explain until you have experienced it yourself, but you’ll get there.”
“I’m sorry to hear about what happened, Betty.”
“Thanks, Paisley. You’re a lot stronger than you think. You know that, don’t you?”
I sighed. “I guess so. I mean, I’ve always thought of myself as strong, but the only word that comes to mind now is weak. I feel weak physically and emotionally.”
“That’s normal, too. Are you eating?”
“I am. I’m also throwing up. Not on purpose. Just sometimes the food won’t stay down.”
“Same thing happened to me. It goes away. Just continue to eat, even if it’s small meals throughout the day. It’s something small, but you have no idea how important it is. Sometimes your mind feels stronger when your body feels stronger.”
“That makes sense. I tried to go to the gym, but it was too much for me.”
“You should go for walks. There’s nothing like a good walk to clear your head.”
I smiled at that. I still liked it when people gave me things to do. I sometimes felt like I couldn’t think for myself anymore. I hadn’t even thought about going for a walk. The simple idea seemed like a good one to me. “I’ll do that.”
“Paisley, is there anything good in your life that you can cling on to? Sometimes all you need is that one little thing to get you through. For me, it was my dog. He was my mother’s dog, but I had loved him, too. I did everything to make sure that the dog was happy after that, and it helped me through my process.”
I sat back and thought about her question. There was really only one person that came to mind. Henry had been so good to me throughout everything that had happened. If it wasn’t for him, I didn’t know how I would be doing. He drove me to and from work every day, he made sure I ate, he made me coffee and tea, and he’d been so kind and patient with me. I really only felt good when he was around. Other than Betty, he was the only person I looked forward to seeing. I nodded.
“Yeah, I do have one good thing,” I said with a smile.
She smiled back. “That’s good to hear. Hold on to it, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And, how about your friends? Have you been seeing them?”
I shook my head. Guilt overcame me at the thought of Olive. “Not really. I haven’t spoken to my best friend, Olive, in days. She came over that first night with a casserole for us. She’s been trying to see me ever since, but I keep blowing her off. I don’t even know why. She’s my best friend, and she’s only trying to be there for me.”
“That happens. It’s what most people do. It’s an odd thing us humans tend to do in times of grief. We push away the people that mean the most to us. But, you need to make an effort to see her. It’s important. This is the one time when you need your friends more than ever before.”
I nodded. “You’re right. Okay, I will call her when I get back. I needed someone to tell me that. I’ve been avoiding so many things.”
“Just remember, Paisley, the grief will always be there. You just need to find a way to work through it. You can’t wait for things to all be better again because they won’t. You need to create a new reality now, and you’re strong enough to do it.”
I’d stopped taking the car for my appointments. I was too afraid to drive now. I’d done it in the beginning without thinking, but the more I thought about it, the more freaked out I became. Thankfully, Betty’s office was on the bus route. I hadn’t yet told her that I was not driving. It was like I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I was scared that she’d be upset with me if I told her the truth. I’d drive again one day; I just wasn’t ready to do it now.
Anyway, I quite liked the bus. I liked that I didn’t have to think. I didn’t have to concentrate on the road. I could just sit back and watch the world go by. Sometimes, after seeing Betty, I would take the bus past my house, just so that I could stay on a little longer. Once, I’d stayed on for a full hour and a half. I was grateful that the driver hadn’t said anything to me. I wasn’t even sure if he noticed. If he did, he probably thought I was
too sad to speak to. I knew I looked sad. I could see it every time I passed a mirror.
When I got home, I called Henry and told him that everything had gone well. He was pleased. I told him that I wasn’t going to come into work that day, but he didn’t seem to mind. I was enjoying work, but my counseling days always put me in a different headspace. Instead, I decided to take a walk, just like Betty had suggested.
As usual, she was right. The walk was wonderful. The air was cool, and I liked the way it made me feel. I didn’t think about much as I walked, which was a pleasant surprise. I simply looked at the world around me and breathed in the beauty. I admired every single plant and tried to remember what they were called. I surprised myself by remembering more than I thought I would, and that pleased me. I was feeling so much better when I got home, and for once that didn’t make me feel guilty. I picked up the phone and called Olive.
“Oh wow, Paisley. It’s so good to hear from you. Are you okay?”
I smiled at the sound of her voice. “I’m so sorry that I haven’t been in touch, that I have been pushing you away. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I’ve just been in such a strange place.”
“Are you crazy? Don’t you dare apologize. You have the right to feel however you want to feel. I just hope you’re okay. I’ve been thinking about you every day.”
“Thank you. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” she said. “Do you want to go for dinner? We don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to.”
I chuckled. “So we’ll just sit and stare at our food? The poor waiter. Yeah, I’d love to go to dinner with you. Thank you, Olive.”
It was a step forward. A small one, but it felt huge.
When I told Henry, I saw the biggest smile appear on his face, and I realized then just how worried he had been for me. I remembered what Betty had said to me: hold on to the something good. I had Henry, and I had Olive. And that was something. That was more than something.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Henry
I knew things would start to feel better, but there was a long time when it didn’t feel like we would ever feel like our old selves again. I was slowly noticing a difference in Paisley, and even I was feeling better. The guilt over feeling okay would sometimes hit me, and I’d hope that I wasn’t upsetting my father. But I knew he’d want me to be happy.
I never thought I would ever experience this sort of grief. I’d reached out to my mother, even though I didn’t want to. I’d gone to see Betty once, just to chat with her. I’d seen how much a counselor had helped Paisley, and I figured it would be worth trying it out myself. It was better than I expected it to be.
I’d gone there with the intention of speaking about Paisley and finding out about how she was doing, but we hadn’t spoken about Paisley at all. There was the client confidentiality that I’d forgotten about, and she’d wanted me to speak about myself. She’d asked me about my mother — the woman who had walked out on my life all those years ago.
“When was the last time you spoke?”
“Years ago. I was always so angry that she left my dad. It felt like she had left me, too, even though I knew she hadn’t. The worst was when she met a new man and had a new family. I could never really get over that. We stayed in touch for a while, but I pushed her away. She still sends me cards every birthday and every Christmas, but that’s about as far as it goes.”
“You should talk to her.”
“I’m sure someone has told her about my father.”
“What if nobody has?” Betty said.
The following day, I’d called my mother. She always included her phone number at the bottom of every card, and despite pretending not to care, I’d saved every card that she had ever sent. She was naturally shocked to hear from me, and even more shocked to find out about my father. As it turned out, nobody had told her. It was a hard conversation to have, and horrible to live it all again. She cried on the phone, which had taken me by surprise.
“I didn’t think you would care,” I’d said to her.
“Are you kidding me? Of course, I care. I loved your father. We just weren’t right for each other. But I did love him. Just as I love you. I never gave up on the hope that you would one day want to see me again.”
Tears had poured down my face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I said to her. I told her all about Myra and how my father had found happiness and love, and she’d been so happy to hear that. We’d ended the conversation on good terms, with promises to meet up. She lived in New Zealand now, but she assured me she would either come see me or she’d fly me to see her. At the end of the conversation, I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt like everything was going to be fine.
After that, things slowly started to feel okay. It wasn’t great, and it wasn’t the same as before, but it was better. Work had kept Paisley and me very busy, and we’d both worked longer hours than ever before. It was partly because of the amount of work that needed to be done, and partly because we were both using it as an escape route. Either way, the work had helped us.
I didn’t check up on her as much as I did the first day. I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I also just didn’t need to as much as before. She was getting stronger by the day. She’d lost a lot of weight in that first week, but she was starting to put it back on again, and she was gaining some color to her cheeks. She no longer looked like the ghost of Paisley. There was still a long way to go, but it was something.
Mostly, I hadn’t heard her cry in a long time. I would fall asleep to the sound of her sobbing in our parents’ room night after night, but lately, I’d fallen asleep to silence.
I’m not sure when things started to change. Perhaps it had been after the funeral, or maybe it was just a natural progression from time itself, but it felt good to see her this way again. She was still sad, and I still caught her staring into space. She still wouldn’t drive, and she went on long walks to clear her head. But every now and again, I would catch a glimpse of the old Paisley, and I would feel like the old Henry, and it felt good.
The lawyer phoned while I was finishing up at work that day. “Hi, Henry, I just wanted to let you know that everything is almost settled. Transfers have been made, and we just need your signature on a few more things. The house is now in your name and Paisley’s name, so you need to decide what you want to do with it. You could obviously keep it and stay there, sell it, or even rent it out. It’s up to you.”
It was something I’d been thinking about for a long time myself and something I desperately needed to talk to Paisley about. It was a big decision to make, and not something I could make on my own. This wasn’t just my decision, after all. I wondered if Paisley had been thinking about it, too.
I hadn’t given it much thought at the start, as we’d just been going through the motions of each day. We were desperate to just feel normal again, and all we could do was get through the day. Every morning we woke up felt like an accomplishment. But now, there were things to consider and plans to be made. We had a lot of things to discuss.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about keeping the house. It didn’t feel right. It was never my house to begin with. I had never planned on staying there longer than a few months. I’d always planned on getting an apartment close to the golf course. I’d even gone to see a few. With everything that had happened, I’d all but forgotten about those plans. Now I just needed to find out what Paisley wanted to do. After all, it had been an even split, so the house was hers, too.
I dropped Paisley off at home and went out for a drink with Shawn. I’d invited her to join us, but she’d turned it down. She told me that she would make us both dinner, and I decided that I’d use that time to talk to her. I hadn’t seen Shawn much since the accident, even though he’d invited me out a few times. Just as Paisley had ignored Olive, I had ignored Shawn. Now, I felt ready to see him again. We met at a bar down the road and did our usual awkward pat on the back. Then he laughed and pulled me
in for a hug.
“A hug?” I gasped as we pulled away. We never hugged. I don’t think we’d hugged in the whole time that the two of us had been friends.
He laughed. “Well, it felt like a hugging sort of moment. How you doing, man? It’s good to see you. You look well. Although you’ve lost weight. It was like hugging a skeleton,” he said with exaggeration. I certainly wasn’t that thin, but I had noticed that I’d lost weight. Not as much as Paisley, but still quite a bit.
“Yeah, I know. Not quite the diet I wanted to go on. It’s good to see you, too, Shawn. I’m sorry that I haven’t been in touch. I-”
“Don’t say sorry. I totally understand. I feel so awful for you. I haven’t quite known how to act. You and I have never been that good at things like this. I didn’t know if I should just show up and force you to come out, or just wait for you to call me when you were ready. I figured you just needed time. But I’m here if you need to talk. Anytime. I mean it.”
“Thanks, Shawn. I might just take you up on that offer. And, a few rounds of golf will sort me out. I’ve been avoiding it because my father loved the game so much, but I know it will actually make me feel better. I know I can’t avoid everything in life now. The golf will be good for me.”
“Don’t think I’m going to let you win, though.”
I laughed. “Good. I don’t want a pity win.”
“So, how’s Paisley doing?”
I sighed. “She’s doing better. It’s been hard on her. The two of us have been like zombies around the house. Barely speaking, just about getting by. At work, she’s been a force to be reckoned with, though. She’s thrown herself into the work. She was a hard worker before, but now she’s even more so. I don’t know if it’s a healthy thing to do, but I totally understand. I’m doing the same. Work has been our saving grace.”
“And, things between the two of you?” he asked. “How is it going?”
I shrugged. I knew this question would come up, but I really had very little to say about it. “We haven’t spoken about that. I don’t really care about any of it right now. I just want her to feel better. That’s my main priority.”