Going Nowhere

by K. M. Galvin

  “I can’t help it that four year olds find me irresistible.” I smirked and he laughed.

  Dinner was really nice. Conversation came easy with Emily and Jason and I ended up telling them all about school and my family. Mikey was so adorable and Jason was right, the kid warmed right up to me no problem.

  After we finished eating we all moved into the living room for coffee and were chatting about Emily’s upcoming trip to Austin. I would start watching Mikey in two days, but I planned on stopping by tomorrow to hang out with them while Emily packed.

  I was sitting on the couch with Mikey in my lap. He was chatting my ear off for the last half hour but wore himself out and fell asleep on me. My heart was near to bursting with him curled up in my lap. I could smell his baby shampoo and leaned down to get a better whiff, nuzzling his downy soft hair against my cheek.

  My eyes lifted and I found myself caught in Jason’s. He was giving me one of his stares that made me itch. Blood flooded my skin and made me hot. I shifted, uncomfortable, and tried not to wake up Mikey.

  “Stop looking at me like that.” I whispered to him. He just smiled.

  “Like what?” He asked. No way was I touching that one; he knew what he was doing. I enjoyed harmless flirting with him; otherwise I got in over my head fast and drowned in him. I turned my attention to Emily who watched this whole exchange with a raised brow…another family trait.

  “Emily, I was telling Jason the other day how funny that Mikey’s name is the same as one of my favorite characters from the Office.” I said softly. She laughed and slapped her forehead.

  “Would you believe that I’m a fan of the show and totally didn’t even connect the two until after I named him?”

  “Really?” I laughed with her. “Where’d you get the name Michael then?”

  “It was our dad’s name.” She smiled softly and passed a sad look with her brother. “Our parents died a few years back. They never got to meet Mikey, but I wanted to make sure he knew them and I figured this was a great way to honor our dad.”

  I nodded not pressing for more. Jason mentioned that their parents died when Emily was still in high school in a car accident. I glanced back at him and wondered how long he’d been taking care of his family. He seemed to be doing the same thing for me now too. I smiled at him and he smiled back a little questioningly, I shook my head and turned back to Emily.

  “I told Jason he’s going to be a super fan by the time I’m done with him.”

  “Good luck, I’ve been trying to get him to watch that show for years. He’s not much of a TV person.”

  “Well you swear by it and now Mari swears by it, so I guess I don’t have much of an option.” Jason said ruefully.

  “You will love it.” I told him firmly. My cell beeped, alerting me I had a text and I checked to see who it was from. My mouth transformed into a surprised smile when I saw it was from Declan.

  Hey Padowan, do you want to meet up tomorrow for a lesson?

  Sure! What time were you thinking? I have to meet up with someone around 6.

  We have practice at 3 until around 4, why don’t you show up around then and

  you can catch me in all my sexy rock star glory.

  I snorted and typed out a reply that I would be there at four. I checked the time and saw that it was already nearing ten. I knew Emily had to get up early; I looked up from my phone and turned to Jason.

  “Are you about ready to go? I know Em has to get up early for work and I’m getting pretty tired.”

  He got up from his spot on the loveseat and made his way over to me. “Yeah, we should head out. Want me to take him?”

  “I got him, I should get used to it.” I laughed a little and hugged Mikey closer. Jason reached an arm around my shoulders and helped me up from my seat, Mikey still cradled to my chest. The kid was pretty solid, but I wasn’t ready to let go of him yet. “Where’s his room?”

  “Follow me. Be right back, Em.” Jason led me down a small hallway and into Mikey’s room.

  It looked like Thomas the Train threw up in here and I smiled, total little boy’s room. Jason waited by the door while I laid down Mikey and took off his jeans to make sure he was comfortable. Little booger passed out before getting into his PJs so I just left him in his shirt and underwear.

  I pushed back his hair from his forehead and marveled again at how much he looked like his uncle. I leaned down and gave him a little kiss and pulled the covers up over him before turning back to Jason. He was leaning against the doorframe watching me with a soft look on his face.

  I walked towards his and was surprised when he pulled me into a warm hug. I laid my head on his chest and tried not to melt into his hard body. His grip tightened on me when I tried to pull back. I could feel his breath moving the hair by my ear and tried not to shudder.

  “What’s wrong?” I whispered. He just shook his head and gave me another squeeze before releasing me enough so I could see his face.

  “Nothing, I just-” He shook his head a little and searched my face. “Thank you, Marisol.”

  “For what?” Completely stunned by this whole interchange. The air felt heavily charged and I had to force myself to stand still.

  “For helping out. Emily was really freaking out about what to do; you’re like a godsend to us.”

  “You’re the one who set this whole thing up.” I pointed out and he shook his head, some of his hair falling into his eyes.

  Before I could think about what I was doing, my hand lifted and I shifted the hair out of his eyes just like I did with his nephew. He closed them for a second and inhaled. When he opened his eyes again, there was something else in there that I couldn’t identify. Wouldn’t identify because it terrified me. “I set it up, but you made Mikey fall in love with you. Emily likes you, but if Mikey was uncomfortable, you wouldn’t be here tomorrow.”

  I shifted back a little, needing distance more than I craved this closeness. He moved back into the hallway and I pulled Mikey’s door closed.

  “Come on, let’s get home.” I rushed out not waiting for him to follow me and went to say goodbye to Emily, promising that I would stop by tomorrow whether she liked it or not. Jason gave his sister a hug and we walked out to his truck in silence.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Halfway home the silence in the truck was deafening, I opened my mouth to break it when he spoke.

  “What are you up to tomorrow?” He asked, his tone light, and my body weakened with gratitude that we were back on safer ground.

  “Declan texted me a little while ago, so I’m meeting up with him for a lesson tomorrow before I head to Emily’s.”

  “Oh.” His tone went hard.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing.” He said.

  “What, Jason?” I asked annoyed.

  “Do you like him?”

  “Where is this coming from?” I asked, floored. Maybe Declan was right about Jason getting jealous.

  “You guys seemed to hit it off at the bar and you’re meeting up with him tomorrow. I was just wondering if you liked him.”

  “I do like him-”his hands gripped the steering wheel harder, causing his knuckles to whiten. Whoa, yes he was jealous. Wow. I cleared my throat before I continued. “-as a friend. He’s interested in someone else. He’s teaching me how to play, Jason, no need to get worked up.”

  “I’m not getting worked up.” He spat at me through his teeth. Riiiiight.

  “Sure.” I said unconvinced.

  “I’m not!” He practically snarled.

  “Uh huh.” I folded my arms over my chest and looked out my window. “I don’t know what your problem is. You yourself said that I wasn’t you type so I’m not sure why you’re going all jealous caveman on me right now.” I said a snottily.

  “What the hell, Marisol?” He growled at me. We pulled up to a red light and he grabbed my chin turning me to look at him.

  “What, Jason? You said that. Am I wrong?” I challenged, jerking my chin out of his grip.


  “I know what I said; you don’t have to throw it back in my face.”

  “Jason, why the fuck are you doing this?” I growled, completely exasperated by this entire conversation. “You don’t like me like that. You said so yourself. I’m not ready for anything like that yet. So Back. Off.” I shifted as far away from him as possible, practically plastering myself against the window. “Besides you’re the freaking Panty Dropper, it’s not like you would be looking for anything more than a quick fuck.” I spat and looked back out my window. He sucked in a breath at my words, but didn’t say anything.

  The light turned green and we continued the drive in silence. We pulled into my driveway before I knew it and both of us sat there in silence. I didn’t want to end tonight on this note. I let my arms fall to my sides and let out a long sigh before looking over at him. He stared straight ahead and I could see the muscles ticking in his jaw from him clenching it so hard.

  “Don’t call me that.” He said quietly.

  “Why, didn’t you earn that? You don’t see me beating my chest over the fact that you hit it and quit it so much it earned you a goddamn nickname.”

  “Don’t throw my past in my face. You don’t know me well enough to judge me over something like that. I was young and in a position where that stuff was not only common, but encouraged.”

  “Right, going with the flow? Everybody else is doing it so I must too?” I sneered at him.

  “Marisol, I’m not proud of how many women I’ve been with, it’s not something I flaunt. It’s not like I ever cheated on any of them.”

  “Yeah. Makes it hard to cheat when they’re one night stands.”

  “What right do you have to judge me? I’m not that person anymore. I would think you know that since you’ve spent time with me. And you’re acting like a jealous, cavewoman too, so I’m confused. You don’t want to have a relationship, but you can get jealous over my past hook ups? Seems a little contradictory.” He taunted. I looked over at him and took a deep breath. He was right and I was being jealous bitch.

  “Listen to me.” I began softly and waited until he looked over at me. He glared at me for a second and then his gaze softened. “I’m sorry, you’re right. I have no business digging into your past and judging you on what I find. I have no right to act jealous either.”

  “Marisol-“He began and then stopped himself. He looked like he wanted to say more, but locked it up. He closed his eyes and heaved out a breath. “I’m sorry.”

  I breathed out a sigh of relief. I know I was being a chicken shit, but I didn’t trust myself. I kept making bad decisions and I let myself get to this age without knowing anything about myself.

  I can’t expect anyone to like me, really like me, until I liked myself. And right now it was a struggle everyday not to succumb to this worthlessness that plagued me. I needed to reevaluate my life, to be a little selfish right now. I didn’t want to hurt him and as much as I knew that maybe he started to feel something for me I would ignore it. He would move on. He deserved a whole person, not the puzzle pieces I had to offer. He needed someone to lean on and if he tried it with me, I would crumble to dust under the pressure.

  “I’m sorry too. Let’s just forget about this ok?” I said, grabbing my purse off the floor and reached for the handle.

  “Ok.” He said softly. “Talk to you tomorrow, Crazy?”

  I closed my eyes in relief. I was doing the right thing, I reminded myself. “Talk to you tomorrow, Bartender.” I closed the door and headed up to my house, heart heavy for both of us.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The next morning I laid in bed listening to my parents move around downstairs getting ready for work. I didn’t move; eyes completely trained on the ceiling. I think I’ve been in this position all night; it gets kind of blurry after four a.m. The ride home from Emily’s played in my head continuously.

  If there was going to be weirdness between us, I would hate it. My hand slapped down on my mattress, searching for my cell phone. Almost as if it was reading my mind the thing beeped at me alerting to a new message. My fingers bumped into it and I grabbed, yanking it so hard from underneath the covers I almost hit myself in the face. I really needed to stop sleeping with my phone.

  It was Jason. I pressed a button to open the text and stared at it for a second then burst out laughing. It was a picture of the cake I baked yesterday, completely demolished.

  I ate my feelings last night and watched a ton of Lifetime. U?

  I closed my eyes in relief and texted him back.

  I wrote a sad poem while listening to Evanescence.

  I jumped when my phone rang, his name blinking on the screen.

  “Hi.” I said quietly.

  “Hi.” He repeated and we said nothing for a moment, just breathing at each other creepily. “Read me that poem.”

  I laughed. “I don’t really have a poem.”

  “Make one up.”

  “Ok give me a second.” I thought for a second and said, “Roses are red, and violets are blue. Marisol’s sad and worried about you.”

  “That is lacking a ton of originality, Marisol.”

  “Shut up! You gave me, like, two seconds to come up with something!”

  “You’re the writer.”

  “You’re the musician, you’re a writer too. You give me a poem.”

  “Ok give me a second.” I could hear him breathing and wondered if he was in the same position as me. “Roses are read, violets are blue, Jason is sorry and a stupid shrew.”

  I’m silent for a second and then break out in giggles. “Shrew?”

  “Well, I was pretty shrew-ish last night.” He said amused, his voice had this wonderful gravelly sound to it.

  “Yeah, I guess you were. Did you just wake up?”

  “I didn’t sleep last night. I did eat that entire cake and ran on a sugar rush for the rest of the night.”

  “I was worried that it would be awkward.” I murmured quietly, deciding to just say what we both were beating around the bush about.

  “Who says it’s not going to be?” He joked.

  “Jason!”

  “I’m kidding! I’m not an asshole, Marisol; I’m not going to make things weird between us.”

  “I don’t think that’s something you can control.” I pointed out.

  “Well I’m not going to be weird about it and since you’re going to try-“

  “No, I’m not!”

  “-Ok, fine, you aren’t going to be weird about it either so it won’t be. We’re not children, we can be adults about this.”

  “I want to be friends.”

  “We are.”

  “Ok.” I said, confident now.

  “Ok.”

  “What are you doing today?” I asked, my body finally relaxing into my bed. Now that it was settled between us, I was starting to feel tired.

  “I don’t have to be to work for a couple hours so I’m going to crash for a little bit now that we’re cool. Emily leaves tomorrow morning.”

  “I know.” I closed my eyes at the emotion that rushed into them when he admitted he was as torn up about this as I was.

  “Yeah, so I’ll crash at her house tonight and hang out until you get there tomorrow.”

  “I’ll probably see you tonight too.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yep, I’m going to come over for a little bit and hang out with Mikey while Emily gets ready for tomorrow.”

  “Cool, then I’ll see you tonight.”

  “See you tonight.”

  It took all of two minutes for me to fall asleep after hanging up. I turned over on my side, my hand still clutching my phone, and passed out.

  When I woke up it was ten till three. I blinked at the clock beside my bed and slowly sat up. I had about an hour until I had to be at Declan’s house. He lived about twenty minutes south of here, smack dab in the middle between Jacksonville and St. Augustine.

  I decided to keep it pretty casual, knowing Dec couldn’t care less what I
looked like, and just threw on some jeans, Chucks, and The XX concert t-shirt I got years ago. It was one of my favorite shirts, super worn and soft. Feeling especially hipster, I decided to keep my glasses on and threw my hair up in a messy bun. I was out the door in fifteen minutes and on my way down South.

  The house was almost identical to the one I dropped Jase off at all those days ago. Male singledom, hear me roar! I parked my car behind yet another truck and walked up to the door. Lifting my finger to ring the doorbell, the door tore open and I was swooped into a massive hug from Blake, who then practically dragged me through the door and I was immediately scooped up into a hug from Trent.

  “Uh guys? What’s with all the hugging, I saw you a couple days ago?” I asked. I looked over at Declan who was sitting on the couch watching us with a smile on his face. I raised my eyebrows at him since he was the only one not squeezing the life out of me.

  “We got some good news today.” He explained.

  “Did we fucking ever!” Trent yelled and then grabbed a couple beers from the fridge, handing one to each of the guys and me.

  “Well, what is it?” I asked. Blake got excited all over again and came at me, picking me up and spinning me around, effectively spilling my beer all over my hand and down his shirt. “Whoa, Blake, put me down or I’ll puke on your back.” He dropped me so quickly; I burst out laughing at the horrified look on his face.

  I went into the kitchen and found a rag to wipe the beer off my arm. I didn’t want to think about what was already on the rag, but if the state of the kitchen was any indication, it was germs. A lot of them. Walking back into the living room, I plopped down next to Declan. “Come on, Banjo boy, what’s the big news?”

  “Our manager just informed us that we will be going on tour in a couple weeks for the festival circuit this summer. The big festivals. I’m talking Bonnaroo big.”

  “Holy shit, guys! That’s awesome! I didn’t know you had a manager?!” I was shocked.

  “Yeah, we got signed last year at a small label, we mostly do small town gigs, but this is a huge step. Frankly, I’m surprised that Bill was able to score a spot.” Declan said with a dazed look on his face. I reached over and took his hand, squeezing it.