The Heaviness of Knowing

by Sharolyn G. Brown

  Lauren took a deep breath and closed her eyes again. She took her time, and when she felt like giving up, she just focused on her breathing and let the nagging doubts flow through her mind without trying to stop them. Soon, it felt like time was slowing down. Her breaths were coming much slower, and she felt like she had been engulfed in a bubble of silence quieter than the office.

  “Lauren, can you hear me?” Estella’s voice was again a whisper just beside her ear.

  “Yes. I can.”

  “Good. Are you in the room?”

  Like a movie projected inside of her head, Lauren could now see the dark room. “I see it.”

  “Are you in it?”

  “No. It’s on the screen.”

  For the rest of the session, Lauren tried to get into the room, but couldn’t.

  “Lauren, we’ve done enough for today,” Estella whispered. “I’m going to bring you back and we can try entering the room tomorrow. When I count backwards from five, you will see a door form in front of you. You have to go through it, and then you’ll be back in the office with me. Five…four…three…two…one….”

  By the time Estella made it to one, the door appeared. Lauren walked through it and opened her eyes as she crossed the threshold. She found she was still in Estella’s office, feeling no closer to sleep.

  “That seemed like a waste of time,” Lauren said, yawning and stretching again. “All I saw was a movie on a screen.”

  “But you did make it to the room. That’s impressive. The fact that you were able to relax enough to even see the room is great progress. You did really good work today.”

  “Thanks,” Lauren replied. “See you tomorrow.”

  ***

  Tuesday night was uneventful. Lauren hadn’t even been able to enter the light, meditation-like sleep state. As a result, her third session with Estella found her feeling even worse than the day before.

  “How was your night?” Estella asked after Lauren was seated. This time she sat on the chaise lounge in preparation for being hypnotized.

  “My night was terrible. I didn’t sleep at all. But I have started taking these odd naps. I’ll nod off for about ten minutes or so, no matter what I’m doing, and then jerk back awake. Just as that weightless sensation is about to take hold. I feel like I’m going crazy.” Lauren’s arms were folded tightly across her body.

  “I know this won’t make you feel better, but what you’re experiencing is a normal side effect of sleep deprivation. Micro-napping is your brain’s way of trying to force you to sleep. Have you had any hallucinations?”

  “So far, no. The eugeroics Dr. Jackson prescribed seem to be preventing hallucinations.” Then, without provocation, Lauren yelled, “Why is this happening to me? What’s taking so long to fix me? I can’t be the only person with trouble sleeping!”

  She pulled her knees up to her chest and curled her body into the corner of the chaise. She laid her head on the cushion and brought her hands up to her eyes. Lauren lay motionlessly in this position, fighting the tears that wanted to fall. At some point, Estella sat on the edge of the chaise’s seat beside her and placed a hand on her shoulders. When the feeling that she was going to cry passed, Lauren raised her head and looked at the older woman. Estella held up a box of Kleenex for her. Lauren took the box from her hand and, taking out a few Kleenex, blew her nose. Estella returned to her seat as Lauren tried to regain her composure.

  “Lauren, don’t lose hope. Sleep is a mysterious thing. We all do it, but no one has a definitive reason as to why or how. Also, we don’t know how to replace it. We know some of the benefits of sleep and, of course, the detriments of not getting enough, but overall sleep is a mystery to us. When it comes to people having trouble sleeping, unless there has been a specific known incident that could trigger it, the search for the cause becomes a search for a needle in a haystack. Really, it’s worse than a needle in a haystack because we at least know what a needle looks like. We have no clue as to what all of the reasons for sleeping problems look like. In fact, we could have discovered it already during your testing without even knowing it.”

  “Then how are you supposed to help me?” Lauren’s voice was in a higher pitch and cracking slightly as angry tears filled her eyes. “If you don’t know what you’re looking for, how can you help?”

  “I’m going to help by taking you back to the moment when your ability to sleep was stolen and see if we can determine what actually happened. Once we know what happened, I think we can fix it.”

  That was a plan. It was a long shot at best and impossible at worst, but it was a plan. And if there was one thing Lauren knew she could do, it was work a plan. She cleared her throat.

  “I’m ready when you are, Estella.” Her voice was still cracking, but Lauren didn’t feel like she was on the verge of tears again. She stretched out her legs onto the chaise lounge and repositioned the throw pillows around herself. Then Lauren closed her eyes and allowed her head to fall onto the back cushion. Finally, she rested her hands on her abdomen with her fingers intertwined.

  “Okay. This is session three with patient Lauren Wray. We are attempting our second hypnosis session,” Estella seemed to say under her breath. When she continued, she was a bit louder, but just as soft spoken. “Keep your eyes closed and take deep breaths in and out on my count. Innnnnnnnn. Ouuuuuuut. Innnnnnnnn. Ouuuuuuut. That’s right. Keep breathing. Just listen to your breathing. Now let’s go back to the empty dark room. This time, see yourself in the room. It’s pitch black but you’re not afraid. You feel peaceful and safe. Let me know when you’re in the room.”

  Like yesterday, Lauren allowed the crazy thoughts popping into her brain to flow freely until they stopped. Then, a bubble of silence engulfed her and she felt like she was weightless. “I think I’m in the room.” To Lauren, her own voice sounded slower.

  “Good, Lauren. Now I want you to see a chair in the room illuminated by a circle of light. The chair you loved when you were growing up. Do you see it?” Estella said in a soft voice.

  In the scene Lauren now found herself in, she focused on the dark and kept breathing. As she stared into the dark, gradually, an area seemed to get lighter. Like daybreak when the darkness recedes, a chair progressively came into view with a circle of light surrounding it.

  She smiled and said, “I see the chair.”

  “Good. I want you to take a seat and get comfortable. Once you’re comfortable, I want you to look far into the corner of the room. In that corner is a table with a lamp on it. I just turned the lamp on. Can you see the light?”

  Lauren climbed into the chair and pulled her legs under her body. The bedroom chair she’d sat in for as much of her childhood as she could remember seemed to conform itself to her shape. The plush purple felt, which the chair was covered in, gently caressed her. The almost lime green throw pillow, which matched the chair’s piping, was dimpled to fit at her side just right. It was like the chair was embracing her.

  Sitting cradled in comfort, Lauren looked into the far corner of the room and tried to see the table with the illuminated lamp on it. She stared and stared. Time felt as if it didn’t move and nothing changed.

  Then, instead of seeing a lamp on a table, Lauren heard a voice talk to her.

  “What are you doing back here? I told you it was dangerous for them to find you here. How did you get to this place? I did not initiate this link.”

  The voice sounded the same as the one from her dream-like meditation from two nights before. Lauren wondered why the presence spoke to her like she knew her. Also, what she was saying didn’t make any sense to Lauren.

  “I’m here because I was guided here. Why is it dangerous to be here?”

  “No one can guide you here but me,” Lauren heard the presence say, while at the same time, Estella was asking, “Lauren, are you talking to someone?”

  “Yes, Estella. There’s a woman here and she’s telling me I should go because it’s dangerous for me. And she wants to know how I got here in the fi
rst place. I told her you guided me here, but she says you can’t do that.”

  “Who are you talking to?” The woman now sounded as if she were confused.

  “I’m talking to my therapist, Dr. Estella Olivier.”

  “A therapist?” The voice was quiet for several moments. “Are you awake, Lauren?”

  This woman was asking the strangest questions. And though she didn’t want to answer, there was just something about her that Lauren sensed she could trust.

  “Yes, I’m awake. I’m at a session with my doctor to determine why I can’t sleep. She led me to this room to figure out the answer and then you started talking.”

  Both the woman and Estella were silent.

  The woman’s voice broke the silence. “Lauren, we have never spoken before while you were awake.”

  “I don’t remember ever speaking to you at all, awake or otherwise. Who are you? And how do you know my name?”

  Again, Lauren got nothing at first, but sitting in her favorite chair in the entire world, she was willing to wait.

  “I am Roxal.”

  “Roxal? Really?” A throaty chuckle escaped Lauren. “When I was little, my favorite doll was named Roxy.”

  “Yes, I remember. You still dream about Roxy even now. And the reason my name sounds similar is because you named your doll after me.”

  “I did what?”

  “You named your doll after me because you thought of me as your playmate. Lauren, you and I have been communicating in your dreams since you were about ten Earth years of age.”

  “But… No, I… That…” Lauren was at a loss for words. What this Roxal was saying was so ridiculous Lauren couldn’t find the right way to begin telling her. The solidity of the world around her began to shift. The circle of light surrounding her chair began to fade. As the light vanished, smoke entered the room. The chair also felt as if it were dissolving from under her. The sensation of floating in nothingness was coming back.

  “Yes, Lauren. When you were ten, I began traveling into your dreams and guiding your life. That is the purpose for which I was born. I am a Traveler.”

  “I don’t understand what you’re saying. I don’t understand what’s happening here. Estella! Estella!” In the nothingness, the smoke seemed to swirl and turn all around her.

  Can I get back to my body? Is it possible I’ll just float away, trapped in this chaos? Lauren worried.

  Just as panic over the thought of being trapped like this forever was about to set in, Lauren felt a hand on her arm. She looked down and saw nothing. She realized Estella must have been touching her arm in the real world and not something in this crazy place.

  “I’m here, Lauren. Just focus on my voice and try to calm down.”

  “Is this what you wanted to happen? Am I supposed to find out I’m crazy and that’s why I can’t sleep?”

  “Lauren, I need to bring you out of this state, but to do that, I need you to calm down and work with me. Now hear only my voice and slow your breathing. Come on, Innnnnnnnn. Ouuuuuuut. Innnnnnnnn. Ouuuuuuut.”

  Lauren’s breaths were short and fast, but she struggled to slow them down. Soon, she was breathing in rhythm with Estella’s words.

  “Great. You’re doing great. Now, I’m going to count backwards from five; when I do, you’ll see a door form in front of you. You have to go through it, and then you’ll be back in the office with me. Five…four…three…two…one….”

  When Estella reached one, Lauren saw a door shimmer into existence some distance away. Using swimming-like motions, she moved through the foggy space towards it. The door bent and twisted as she swam, but thankfully, it didn’t disappear. When she finally got to it, she cried out, “I made it!” Then she opened her eyes and saw Estella sitting to her right. Lauren hugged the woman in silence. Though she didn’t know what had just happened to her, Lauren felt it was something she should be relieved was over.

  When she let Estella go, Lauren drew her legs under her body, crossed her arms tightly across her chest, and began slowly rocking back and forth. As she rocked, Estella told her, “I’ll be back,” and then exited the room.

  When she returned, Estella had a mug of something in her hands and sat on the sofa, holding it towards Lauren. She stopped rocking and took it from Estella. She blew on the substance, which wasn’t dark enough to be coffee, and then took a small sip. It was hot tea. When she had drank enough, she sat the mug on the table beside her.

  “Better, Lauren? You seemed pretty frightened after I ended your hypnosis.”

  “I’m better. It just got so scary in there. Everything solid turned into swirling fog. I felt like I was going to fall apart or disappear or something.”

  “Hypnosis works by getting your mind to ignore the outside world while focusing on specific subjects. I think once you became emotionally upset, your brain tried to process your feelings like they were part of your hypnotic state. The fog must be how your brain interpreted your confusion and anger.”

  “My confusion and fear, you mean. It just didn’t make sense. What part of my subconscious did Roxal represent?”

  “Well, um, I’m not sure about the Roxal character.”

  “How can you not be sure? You’re the doctor who does hypnosis for a living. Haven’t you had someone have an experience like mine before?”

  Estella paused. She had a look of uncertainty on her face. Lauren began to worry. “Have you seen this before or not? Why won’t you answer me?”

  “I have seen something like your case before, but there were some significant differences also. I’m concerned that if I talk to you about that case, it’ll influence our later sessions. Planting false memories is something I always have to be concerned with when using hypnosis. Being hypnotized places you in a highly suggestible state, and I have to be careful not to say something that your mind will use to create a memory or an experience that isn’t true.”

  “So again, I get no help?” Lauren closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the chaise lounge.

  “That’s not what I’m saying. I can help you. Let’s start with your conversation with Roxal. I could only hear your side of it.”

  Lauren told Estella about her conversation with the voice. She told Estella how the voice called herself Roxal and said she shouldn’t have been able to reach the room she was in. And, she told Estella that the voice said she had been ‘traveling’ into her dreams since she was ten.

  Lauren stopped talking and raised her head, still unable to believe what had happened. Estella smiled at her and then said, “Well, this is a good place to stop for today. Hopefully tomorrow we can connect with Roxal again. If we do, I think it’ll really help us get to the bottom of what happened to you.”

  It seemed like Estella wanted to say more, but she didn’t. Instead, she walked over to where Lauren sat and held out her hands for Lauren to take. “Trust me. We have made a huge breakthrough. Today was our turning point.”

  Lauren nodded and looked away from Estella’s face. She hated when people hid stuff from her. She knew Estella knew more than she was saying, but also knew she couldn’t force the woman to share more than she wanted with her. Lauren stood, grabbed her purse and jacket, and walked out. At the door, she said a curt, “Bye, Estella,” before walking out of the office to leave with Kyle.

  CHAPTER 15

  As Kyle drove her home, Lauren tried to process what had happened. I knew her voice, she thought. And not just from a few nights ago. But if my mind was creating it, of course it would create it from a voice I knew, she rationalized. And as for the name, well, my brain would form a connection with that as well. Maybe as a child, I overheard someone mention the name Roxal. Then it could have been stored in the nether regions of my brain. When I was young, I used that name for my favorite doll, and today I used the name for that voice to talk to myself.

  As she reflected on the session, she was able to come up with reasonable explanations for everything. Once they were home, Kyle went about getting her settled in
the family room. After she was seated on the sofa, with a blanket, her cell phone, and the TV remote nearby, he finally asked her, “Oh, how was your session today?”

  “Fine. Estella thinks we made a breakthrough today. We’ll see what happens tomorrow.”

  “That’s good,” Kyle responded and then paused, as if he was waiting for her to say more. When she didn’t, he spoke.

  “I have a meeting after lunch and I need to do some work beforehand. There’s food in the refrigerator. I’ve set your meds out on the table; each of your pills is on the table. I’ve set an alarm on your phone”—Kyle held up Lauren’s smartphone—“to remind you when you should take them. And there’s plenty of bottled water. A few are on the table, and a few are in the fridge if you want cold water. Am I forgetting anything?” He scanned the room, as if looking for a clue as to anything else he should say or do before he left.

  “No, I think you covered it. Food, drink, meds. The highlights of my life now.” She smiled, and her eyelids began to feel heavy.

  “Okay, I’ll try not to be late tonight.” He leaned over and kissed her on her lips. It was rushed and perfunctory.

  “Bye, Lauren.”

  “Bye, Kyle.”

  After he walked out of the door, she sat in silence. Not wanting the noise of the TV, she closed her eyes to meditate as she had in Estella’s office. The sound of a ringing cell phone startled her.

  Lauren looked around, a bit disoriented from the sudden sound. She picked it up from the side table to silence the alarm, only to see that she was receiving a call. From Lucas. She swiped her finger across the screen.

  “Hello.”

  “Hello, Lauren. How are you? I called Kyle earlier today to check on you, but he said you were in an appointment. Is this a bad time? Can you talk?”

  His voice made her cringe, like she was hearing someone scrape their fingernails on a chalkboard. And he was talking so fast, Lauren had a hard time keeping up. So she answered his last question.