The Heaviness of Knowing

by Sharolyn G. Brown

  And when I am dead, they will never happen again, Roxal thought.

  Lauren grew silent. Roxal did not say anything else, waiting for more questions. Dream-Edo looked at Roxal, smiled, and winked out of existence. Roxal whimpered as he disappeared. It reminded her that he was dead. He was dead and she had been unconscious while he was dying.

  “Roxal, is there anything that you can do to save yourself? I just met you. Well, in some ways, I feel I just met you. But, I don’t want you to die. Is there something I could do to save you?”

  “No, Lauren. Do not try to save me,” Roxal replied in a loud voice, making Lauren jump in response.

  “I apologize for my harshness, but the Rep said you are being watched. In fact, he said the reason I was never taken into custody as a traitor is because you kept doing your job on Earth so he did not believe I had joined the Resistors. Also, he said that if your behavior starts to change, that both your life and mine would be ended.

  “I am not sure how much of this is true, because Reps lie. But I do not want you to do anything that could risk your life. I have caused enough damage in your life.”

  “So not only am I talking with a woman from another planet, but there are people from another planet threatening my life. How is that even possible?”

  “Lauren I do not know. I only know—”

  Suddenly, Lauren’s chair disappeared and she fell to the floor. She lay there with her knees curled to her body, and her head curled into her chest with her arms covering it protectively. Then Lauren began to fade. Just as Roxal was about to ask her what was happening, Lauren began talking.

  “Kyle! Let me go! I’m meditating. I need to count myself out, and I need to focus to do this.”

  Roxal knew Kyle was Lauren’s mate. However, she did not seem happy to be talking to him.

  “Roxal, I’m sorry, but I have to go.”

  Lauren got up from the floor, walked over to her, and hugged her. She then turned her back to Roxal and looked into the distance.

  “I will count backwards from five to one. When I get to one, a door will appear and I will leave using it. Five...four...three...two...one.”

  As she had said, a door appeared several steps ahead of Lauren. Lauren walked over to it, paused to look back at her, and then exited the dreamscape. Alone again in the dreamscape, the solitude did not feel as peaceful as it had when she first entered.

  CHAPTER 17

  Lauren opened her eyes to find Kyle standing in front of the sofa, staring down at her. She closed her eyes to block him out and stretched. She wasn’t sure how long she had been meditating, but according to the muscles in her back, she had been sitting in the same position for a while.

  “Are you going to tell me who you were talking to and what the hell you were just talking about? Because what I overheard sounded crazy.”

  She stood and walked around Kyle towards the kitchen. “Tell me what you heard and I’ll explain it,” she said once she was past him.

  In the kitchen, she looked at the clock. It was now after 5:00 PM. This meant she had been linked with Roxal for over four hours. She grabbed a glass from the cabinet and walked towards the refrigerator to get something to drink.

  Kyle stepped in front of her, taking the glass from her hand. “Don’t get cute with me. You need to tell me what’s going on. Now.”

  She snatched the glass back from his hand and pushed past him to get to the fridge. She started filling the glass with water as she spoke. “I don’t know what to tell you. I was meditating in hopes of getting myself to a restful state. And talking out loud helps that.”

  She hurriedly put the glass up to her mouth to give herself an excuse to stop talking. She needed to think. She didn’t know what to tell him, but she was almost certain the truth wasn’t an option. Besides, she wasn’t even sure if what seemed like the truth was actually true.

  “And how does you talking to yourself about saving someone and about a woman on another planet help you get to a restful state?”

  When her glass was empty, she filled it again. “Well, I just let my mind wander and whatever it conjures up, I go with it.” She began drinking from her glass again.

  “But you told someone you were sorry you had to go. Who do you think you were apologizing to?”

  She stopped drinking and placed the half-empty glass on the counter. Stalling wouldn’t make this any easier. She took both of Kyle’s hands into hers and looked into his eyes.

  “Babe. I’m sorry. I know you’re only asking these questions because you love me, and you’re concerned about me. But trust me. I’m fine. Please don’t push this.”

  “Don’t push this?” He pulled his hands from her grasp and walked several steps away from her before facing her again. He had moved away from her like he needed distance between them to continue the conversation.

  He balled his hands into fists and shook them at shoulder height. Lauren wondered if he had walked away from her to avoid shaking her instead.

  “Dr. Jackson told us on Monday that hallucinations were a possible side effect of sleep deprivation. Then comes psychosis. If you’re getting worse, we need to get him or Dr. Olivier to prescribe something stronger.”

  “No. I don’t need anything stronger,” she answered immediately. Her sudden response caused him to take a step back. She hadn’t meant to give him a start, but she couldn’t run the risk of being prescribed something that would break her newly discovered connection to Roxal.

  “Babe, this isn’t normal. Something is wrong. Why won’t you tell me what it is?” he pleaded.

  She stared at Kyle, not knowing what she could say. She saw that he sincerely wanted to help her. The only problem was she didn’t know if he could. There’s no way he would believe her if she told him about aliens taking over the planet. He’d just think what she was saying was because of the sleep deprivation. And though a small part of Lauren thought it was possible that Roxal was a hallucination of some sort, a larger part of her didn’t.

  Roxal felt real. And she wasn’t ready to risk breaking their connection and losing her. Not yet.

  “Fine,” he eventually said. “Don’t tell me anything. I’m just your fiancé. You know, the man who loves you and who has been running himself ragged trying to care for you and keep his job!”

  She flinched when he shouted. She wanted to do something so that he wouldn’t be angry with her. But she couldn’t think of anything. What he was asking for, for her to tell him what was going on, was something she couldn’t risk doing.

  He scoffed. “I need to take a break from this. There are frozen meals in the freezer. Don’t forget to take your meds,” he said as he turned his back and walked towards the door that led to the garage.

  Kyle grabbed his keys from the key rack near the garage entrance and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. Lauren stood in the kitchen near the fridge. She didn’t go after him or try to stop him. She heard the garage door rise and his car drive away. When the garage door lowered again, there was silence. She continued standing in the kitchen, not sure what to do next. Finally, she slowly lowered herself to the floor and cried.

  CHAPTER 18

  Lying in bed, Lauren looked at the clock and saw that it was after 1:00 AM. She rolled over, touching Kyle’s cold, empty spot in the bed, willing him to come back home with all of her might.

  After he had left, she had tried to keep herself busy so as not to think about the fact that he’d gotten so angry that he’d walked out. But, by 8:00 PM, she had warmed a meal for herself and eaten, taken her meds, and cleaned up the kitchen. At that point, her head was throbbing and there wasn’t anything else for her to do. Then she’d started calling and texting Kyle, repeatedly.

  He hadn’t answered any of her calls and now his phone was sending her straight to voice mail. I guess I should be glad he hasn’t blocked my calls altogether, she thought.

  This silence in the house was uncomfortable. In the quiet, she could almost hear the seconds ticking away on her clock, eve
n though it was digital. Lauren had always been kind of a loner. She had a few friends that she hung out with on occasion, but no one who she felt she could confide in. And right now, she needed to talk to someone she could trust. Then a realization hit her. Maybe I never made a best friend because I already had one on another planet.

  She chuckled at the thought. What would Estella think if I told her I thought Roxal was real? I wonder if she would be willing to start medicating me, or if she would think I was too far gone and immediately commit me to a Looney bin?

  Loneliness and silence engulfed her once more after she had finished laughing. With no other escape available, she closed her eyes and began the rhythmic breathing that came easily now. When she entered the dreamscape, Roxal was sitting at the same table she’d been when she had previously visited. Roxal looked up at her, “Hello, Lauren.”

  “Hi, Roxal.”

  “I am glad to see you have returned. When you left before, it sounded as if you were having an altercation with your mate, Kyle. How are you?”

  “You know about Kyle?” Lauren asked.

  “Lauren, I know much about your life. Now, what happened with your mate?” Roxal responded.

  Lauren settled into her overstuffed purple and green chair. It seemed to hug her once she stopped moving. “He overheard me talking to you and demanded to know what was going on. I didn’t know what to tell him. So I told him nothing. He got angry and left. I haven’t seen or heard from him since the last time you and I linked.”

  “I am sorry. Our situation is difficult to explain. Especially to someone who has never had any experience with a Traveler.”

  Lauren nodded in agreement. “Yes. In fact, I’m not totally sure I trust that you’re real, if I’m being honest. I know the person who I’m talking to right now feels like a real individual with whom I’m having a conversation. And after I thought about it for a while, with your dreadlocks, you could be the woman I see sometimes when I meditate. But when I wake back up in my world again, it’s hard to hold on to that certainty.”

  “You think you have seen me? What was I doing?”

  “The most recent times, I saw a woman with a helmet full of wires on her head. I wouldn’t see her face, but I saw her dreadlocks spilling out from under the helmet,” Lauren said as she gestured towards Roxal’s head.

  “I see,” Roxal replied. “It is possible that was me. In order to better control our links with our Earth Connections, we would attend training classes where we wore wired helmets that simulated our link. On occasion, during my class, I would feel like some was watching me, but I would not be able to see anyone.”

  Lauren shook her head from side to side in disbelief.

  “As for your mate, I wish I could help you with this, Lauren. It seems that all I do is upset your life. All I can do now is tell you what I know. And I have told you everything.”

  The women sat in silence for a while. “Enough about me,” Lauren said. “What are we going to do about you?”

  “Lauren, there is nothing to be done for me. My fate has been determined. I have nothing to do but wait to meet it.”

  “But, I don’t want you to meet your fate if your fate’s death. Do you know why I’m here right now? I’m here because I couldn’t think of anyone on Earth, literally, who I could talk to about what’s happening with me right now. It may sound weird, but I think you’re my best friend.”

  Roxal smiled at her. “Friend is an Earth term. We do not use the word on Trebor because we do not have friends. But based on what I have learned from you, I consider it an honor to have been your friend.”

  “And, I don’t want it to end now. Because even though you are possibly my best friend, I’m not yours. I don’t really know anything about you, but I want to. I want to become your friend. Isn’t there something you can do to survive? Anything?”

  “Please do not worry yourself over my fate. Whatever happens, the only regret I have is that I did not free you sooner.”

  “If you’d freed me, Roxal, I never would’ve met you like this. And believe me. Meeting you has been worth whatever I’ve gone through.”

  Lauren got up from her chair, walked around to where Roxal was sitting, and hugged her. She knew this wasn’t real, but she held Roxal tight. “Please don’t leave me, Roxal. I’m not sure if I can handle losing you.”

  Both women stood facing one another. Lauren began counting backwards but never took her eyes off of Roxal’s face. When she made it to one, she turned and saw the door. “Goodbye, Roxal,” Lauren said as she walked towards her exit.

  “Goodbye, Lauren,” Roxal responded.

  Back in the real world, Lauren looked at the clock and saw it was now after 5:00 AM. After giving the grogginess time to dissipate, she rolled over and looked at her phone on the nightstand. She had no calls, no voicemails, and no texts.

  She lay in the bed and thought about what she should do next. The first thing she did was go through her phone’s contacts. When she found the correct person, she called. There were only three rings before a voicemail system answered the phone.

  “You have reached the office phone of Dr. Estella Olivier. If this is an emergency, please hang up and call 911. If this is not an emergency but you need to speak to me, press 0 and you will be connected with my answering service. Finally, if you need to leave a message for me, please leave your name, call back number, and a brief message after the tone. I will respond to all messages within forty-eight hours. Beep.”

  “Uh, hi Estella. It’s me, Lauren. I won’t be able to make it to our session today. Kyle’s not feeling well and he can’t drive me, so I’ll miss today’s appointment. Hopefully he’ll feel better on Monday. Bye.”

  After leaving the voicemail message for Estella, she then sent a text to Kyle.

  Hi, baby. I cancelled my appt. with Estella. Please let me know u r alright. I luv u

  It wasn’t yet 6:00 AM. The sun was just starting to rise. In the pre-dawn hours, Lauren lay in her bed with her phone in Kyle’s spot, waiting for him to respond.

  CHAPTER 19

  Roxal opened her eyes. She tried to move, only to realize she was still being immobilized. She winced as a sore spot on her left arm was touched.

  “You are healing as expected, Roxal. I estimate the nanos will be finished in another two or three helios.”

  It was Quarx’s voice. She thought back to his examination the previous helio, when he had signed the words ‘friend’ and ‘trust’. She did not know if she could trust him or not. Actually, she did not know if he had intentionally signed the words to her. His finger positions could have been accidental and her explosion-rattled brain could have fooled her into thinking he was using the hand gesture language. She thought back to Lauren and decided she would at least try to communicate with him.

  As the Medic worked in silence, Roxal labored to force her fingers into position. It was not easy. Either from the damage she had sustained from the explosion, or from whatever had been done to immobilize her, bending and straightening her fingers took a lot of effort. By the time she had arranged the fingers on each of her hands, sweat beads had appeared on her forehead. The Medic was examining her left leg now and not likely to see her left hand. So, she waited for him to work his way around her body to see the right.

  He examined every inch of her thoroughly. Finally, when he was within view of her right hand, she anxiously awaited his response. However, he did not even acknowledge her hand message. She let out a breath that apparently she had been holding as a tear fell from her right eye. Now she felt like a fool for getting her hopes up.

  Quarx continued his examination up her right arm. At her head, he placed his hands on either side of her face and stared into her eyes. He gave what looked like a slight nod, and then walked away. She heard the light tapping of his steps as he walked away from her and then the barely perceptible swish of the door opening and closing as he exited the recovery room.

  Tears now began falling from both eyes. Stupid. I was stupid to
believe I could be helped, she thought.

  She closed her eyes and allowed the tears to fall. Then she heard the sound of the door opening and closing again. The lightly tapping footsteps now approached her. Quarx stood near her head on her right side so that she could see his face.

  “It is Glorious Session, so it will be some time before the Rep returns. And I just confirmed that the surveillance center for the Medical Recovery rooms is empty, so we will have some privacy. Who was your Resistor connection?”

  “What?” The shock of everything he had just said to her had made it difficult to comprehend what was happening.

  “Roxal, we have to work fast. Who was your contact within the Resistors? Was he or she inside the compound or outside the compound?”

  “Outside the compound? So people are actually living outside the compound?”

  Quarx exhaled loudly, and his shoulders seemed to sink. “Yes. What is the name of your contact in the chain of command?”

  “I do not know. My Helper, Edo, he was my contact. But I do not believe he was part of the chain of command.” She paused. Thinking of Edo caused a feeling of hollowness in her core. A lump formed in her throat and she could feel the tears building. “My Helper, my mate, Edo, was a member. I supported his involvement but did not get involved myself. I never wanted to know. But he did teach me the language so we could speak in my quarters.”

  “I see,” Quarx said as he turned away from her and walked towards her feet. When he approached her head again, he did not make eye contact with her but said, “You may still be of use to me. However, it will make this more complicated.”

  “‘Of use to you?’ Be of use to you for what? And how?”

  He looked into her face again. “I have information needed by the Resistor forces outside the compound. I need someone to deliver it. However, to deliver this information, you need to know how to find a Resistor group and have the name of a person in command and know the correct authentication code.”