The Heaviness of Knowing

by Sharolyn G. Brown

  “No one stopped you after you had your allotted amount?” she questioned with a mouthful of soup.

  “No. It does not work like that here. Here, there are allotted meal times. You are allowed to eat at any time during that window. However, you are asked to be considerate of everyone and make sure not to get additional food until everyone has eaten at least something.”

  After satiating her need for the soup, the next item Roxal sampled was the liquid in the cup. It was delicious also. Primarily at the compound, they would either drink water or a liquid nutrient supplement that had as much flavor as the mud pies Lauren would make when they were young. However, this liquid was a little sweet but also tart. It reminded her of the fruits she would get at each meal in the old compound.

  It did not take long for Roxal to finish her meal. When she was done, she felt as if her stomach cavity was full. She wanted to eat more, but was afraid to chance it. The last thing she wanted was to get sick and regurgitate all of the delicious soup she had just eaten. Edo picked up her tray and showed her how to dispose of her eating materials when she was finished.

  Now that she was no longer hungry, she took in the dining hall once again. There were fewer people than when she had entered. Still, the lax way in which everyone interacted with one another was something she had never experienced. And the children. She made a mental note to ask him more about the children later.

  After they left the dining hall, he took them through multiple hallways again, until they were in a section more recognizable to her. It looked like what would have been the Travelers’ Section of living quarters. Edo activated the biolock with his hand, letting her know that these were his former quarters.

  Why did we not sleep here last late helio? she wondered. Then she walked through the door and got her answer. This was the room she awoke in before. Only now, instead of there being five sleeping units, there were only four; the single unit on which she had been resting had been removed.

  “I will wait for you while you get dressed. There are clothes for you on the left side of the bottom shelf.” Edo then climbed onto one of the upper sleeping units to have a seat.

  Roxal gathered her clothing and stepped into the grooming corner and began cleaning herself. In the shower, she was thankful for the hot water that ran over her. She could not remember the last time she had been able to completely clean herself. As she dressed, she thought about the conversation she had overheard between Edo and Pruda. What did Pruda think Roxal was preventing Edo from doing? Once she was finished, she decided it was time to find out what was going on.

  “Edo, when I awoke, you were not in our quarters,” she stated as she exited the grooming corner. She stood across from him, leaning on the sleeping units for support. Her damp dreadlocks were piled on top of her head and wrapped in a cloth.

  “Yes. When I awoke, I wanted to get dressed and eat before showing you around. And...” He paused.

  She did not speak. She wanted to allow him the opportunity to tell her what was going on.

  “Since we arrived here, Pruda and I have been part of a raid team. It is our job to strike and scavenge targets controlled by the Reps. In fact, I was on a surveillance mission when you arrived. That is why I was not here to protect you.”

  Roxal pursed her lips and gave a curt nod. She did not want to think back to what happened when she was initially brought to this compound.

  “My raid team called a meeting this morning and I attended,” he concluded.

  “Is that what your discussion with Pruda was about? The raid team meeting?”

  “In a way, yes. But more specifically, I believe she is questioning my intent to remain a member of the raid team.”

  “Why is your intent being questioned?” Roxal knew the answer but wanted to hear him say it.

  Edo sighed deeply. “My intent is being questioned because you are here. Pruda knows you were not interested in being involved with Resistor activities when we were in the compound. Therefore, she assumes you will continue your noninvolvement.”

  “I never wanted to be involved before because I assumed I could hide from the danger you were facing. I thought I would be safe. But everything that I have been through has shown me ignoring a situation does not make it go away. And I have to act on my own behalf and not depend on others to do so for me.”

  He smiled and climbed down from his sleeping unit, walked over and hugged her.

  “So, what is the raid you are planning?” she asked as he released her. His arms lingered around her waist as he stood in front of her.

  “It is classified. I am sorry, but I cannot tell you,” he replied, looking down at the floor.

  She pulled away from Edo’s embrace, “Why not? You have never kept secrets from me before.”

  “I know. I know. But I am under orders to not tell you the plan because—I know you can be trusted. I trust you with my life. However, there are other people who do not trust you.”

  “People like Pruda?”

  “Yes. Pruda is one of the people. Rodan is another. With everything that is currently planned, they both believe your timing is suspicious.”

  “And you, Edo. Do you believe my timing is suspicious?”

  He grabbed her arms but did not pull her body into his. Instead, he looked into her eyes and responded, “No. As I told you, I trust you with my life. In fact, my life is what I vouched for you. If you are working for the Reps now, the Resistors will find out and they will kill us both. We are one. I was sincere when I said I would never leave you again.”

  ***

  We are one, Roxal thought. Edo’s declaration echoed in her head as she dried her hair. She released a deep breath, trying to decide what she would do next. Her visit to the dreamscape was still on her mind. In it, Roxal had worked with Lauren to get a group of people to a place called the ‘Safe Zone’. Lauren had talked about how it was her job to make sure everyone got there. It had made Roxal realize that she was feeling some guilt about the people she had left behind at her old compound.

  People like Quarx. Though she had only known him a short amount of time, he had helped her escape. And now that she was out, she had done nothing to try and rescue him or the other Citizens being tortured and killed by the Reps.

  “Come with me,” Edo said, breaking into her train of thought.

  Her hair was dry and she was finished getting dressed. She nodded and followed him. Knowing there was a part of his life that he kept secret from her hurt Roxal. And though she understood why he could not tell her about his raid team activities, it was still painful.

  She tried not to think about it as he led her through the corridors. He held her hand as they walked. This was a display of affection that never would have been possible in their former lives. Finally, they came to a room that contained a large door, three times as tall as any person and wide enough for ten or so people to walk through side by side. Edo touched the biolock to the right of the door and the door began to rise.

  As it rose, a bright light began to come into the corridor. Roxal realized that beyond this door was the outside. He was taking her out into their world again. She started feeling excited now. Once the door had risen high enough for them to pass through, they exited the compound.

  Edo touched the biolock on the outside of the door, and it reversed path and began going back down.

  “We will return shortly. I am taking my mate to see our world,” Edo spoke.

  Roxal looked at him and saw he was speaking to an armed man who stood not far from the door. He only nodded.

  The immediate area around the compound in which they were living was cleared of all trees and vegetation. However, not far from them was a large wooded area and they walked directly towards it. Roxal smiled. She was about to touch the trees and experience her world in a way that was denied her before she had escaped the Reps.

  As they neared the edge of the forest, she let go of Edo’s hand and reached out to touch the tree trunks to feel the purple wood. She also touch
ed the copper leaves and the blue flowers that grew on a nearby bush. She leaned over and smelled a flower, not wanting to kill it by pulling it from the bush on which it was growing.

  “If we are quiet, we may be able to see a few animals. Most stay away from people. But there are a few that are semi-domesticated. One is a lup. We actually raise them here to help with hunting and animal herding. They are kept in pens not meant to keep the lups in, but rather to keep people away. They do not do well in total captivity. So they are allowed to freely roam in and out of their enclosures but have been conditioned over many generations to return by new helio to assist with work. You will see them as we pass through the camp.”

  She nodded as he told her about the animals and vegetation growing near their new home. Again, she was overwhelmed. They were now actually in the forest, surrounded by trees and other creatures.

  “Another animal you may see is a monocere. They are similar to the mythical Earth creature known as a unicorn. Our monoceres are usually dark blue or black to blend in with the forest.”

  As they walked and Edo talked, Roxal said nothing. She simply tried to take in all that he was showing and telling her. After a while, though, she began to feel tired. And, as much as she was enjoying being outside, she felt she needed to return to their quarters to rest.

  “I am sorry. Maybe I should have waited until you were stronger to give you this tour.”

  “No, I am ecstatic to be here. For our entire lives, we were told that this was all damaged, poisonous wasteland. Being able to walk through our planet and see tangible proof of our Reps’ lies is more than I ever could have dreamed of. Thank you for sharing this with me.” A tear rolled down her face. Edo reached over and gently wiped it away.

  Once back in the quarters in which they had slept, he left her to meet with his raid team. He looked at his chronometer and saw that based on the time, he would possibly be able to join them for a training session. Seeing him give her a tour of their world and using his chronometer were just two of the things that made Roxal realize how well adjusted he was to this new life.

  She sat in their sleeping unit, wondering if she would ever fit in like him. Thinking of this made her feel alone again. Though she knew he was coming back, with Edo gone, she realized she had no one in the new compound to whom she could speak. So alone, in a barren room, Roxal made herself comfortable sitting on their empty sleeping unit. Next, she closed her eyes and tried to focus. She wanted to speak with someone who was on her side. She wanted to speak with Lauren.

  She slowed her breathing and tried to replicate how she felt shortly before the explosion that had changed her life. When she was being carried off by the Security Force members, she had been able to connect with Lauren even though she was awake. The problem associated with repeating this was twofold. One part of the problem was Roxal had to figure out how to connect with the dreamscape while awake. The other part was Lauren needed to be actively trying to link with her.

  During Lauren’s dream the previous late helio, Roxal had tried to plant the suggestion for Lauren to connect with her. However, she was not sure as to how well it had worked. Though over the annums she had been able to lead Lauren to build a microprocessor, it had sometimes taken many lunar cycles of repeated contact to make Lauren susceptible to acting on instructions related to it. Roxal had only had a few moments during the dream to guide Lauren to contact her.

  Still, whether or not Lauren had remembered to connect with Roxal when she woke up was a moot issue if Roxal could not connect with the dreamscape. She opened her eyes and looked around the bare room. To understand how she had managed to connect with Lauren while she was awake, Roxal was going to have to think back to what happened just before the explosion. But, going back to that time was not easy. At that moment, she had thought she was dead and that everything she had devoted her life to was meaningless. Her service to The Keepers and the Reps, even after she no longer believed them to be divine, had done nothing to protect her. Furthermore, she had persisted in helping them by continuing to guide Lauren in doing their bidding.

  That is it, Roxal thought. I felt a combination of futility and regret. Those feelings somehow allowed me to connect to the dreamscape without being asleep.

  She needed to replicate those emotions. Futility was easy. Though she was no longer pretending to serve false gods, she was not exactly free with the Resistors. It felt as if no one but Edo trusted her, and he could not stay with her at all times. And even if he could, it would not matter because if she had learned anything since the explosion, it was that she needed to be able to stand on her own.

  Now she needed to feel sincere regret. It did not take long for her emotional inspiration to occur to her. Roxal regretted continuing to manipulate Lauren, and she regretted the people she had to leave behind in her compound as she fled. She had fled and had not looked back. Futility and regret. The emotions swirled around throughout her being. She focused on those emotions, and the darkness behind her eyes began to change. Then, she was there. Roxal was in the empty dreamscape.

  CHAPTER 31

  I have to meditate today, Lauren thought as she struggled to open her eyes. She stretched and let out a satisfying moan at how good it felt to release the tension in her back muscles. She laid her head back on her pillow. Her eyes were closed again. Parts of her dream began coming back to her, so she reached over to touch Kyle. Even if he was asleep, she needed to wake him up to tell him about her dream before she forgot it altogether.

  Her hands stretched before her, blindly searching for his body on the other side of the bed. However, the only thing she found was a cold, crumpled sheet. This time, her eyes opened without any hesitation, and the reality of her situation flooded into her consciousness: she was being held by Graham McKenzie and his group of alien invasion fighters. And she was no longer engaged to Kyle. She had gone to sleep while he’d locked himself in the bathroom the night before. She’d remembered waking briefly as he had climbed into the bed at some point. But he’d said nothing to her and she’d just gone back to sleep.

  Now Lauren sat up in the bed. She felt stiff, and even though she was just waking up, she still felt tired. She looked around for her phone and found it on the nightstand beside the bed. When she saw the time and date on her phone’s timeout screen, she thought it must be a mistake. So she activated the phone and checked the clock and the calendar. It was 5:14 AM on Sunday. She had been asleep for well over twenty-four hours. How long had Kyle been gone? Why didn’t he wake her to say goodbye?

  That was a problem to be solved later. Right now, she needed to get dressed and find someone to talk to. A cursory glance around the room allowed her to see a suitcase on top of the dresser at the foot of her bed. And her purse was neatly beside it. Also, when she had found her phone on the nightstand, it had been plugged in. Someone had been in her room while she slept. Anger started to build again. She had no idea what had happened while she was asleep, and that pissed her off. Instead of showering and getting fully dressed, she hurriedly put on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, pulled her bird’s nest styled hair into a messy ponytail, put on a pair of tennis shoes, and stomped out of her bedroom.

  When she opened the front door of her apartment, the first thing she saw was an armed guard standing on the opposite side of the hall facing her door. He didn’t move as she stepped into the hall. However, she did think she saw his hands tense around the automatic weapon draped across his body.

  “Good morning, ma’am,” he said with a nod.

  Lauren didn’t return the greeting. Instead, she fully exited the apartment, slammed the door behind her, and then turned to lock it. Unfortunately, she remembered she was being held captive and didn’t even have the ability to lock the door to her temporary residence from the outside. In frustration, she punched the front of the door. The pain that followed made her regret it.

  “Is there anything I can help you with, ma’am?” the soldier asked her from where he stood.

  She took a deep b
reath, shaking her now hurting hand, and faced the soldier again. “Yes, you can tell me where I can find Graham, or Estella, or someone who can give me some answers.”

  She didn’t bother asking for Kyle.

  “If you return to your room, I’ll let them know you’re awake and are requesting a meeting.”

  “Requesting a meeting. No, I’m not requesting anything. I am demanding answers. Now.”

  The soldier simply stared at her, as if to say he wouldn’t do anything until she complied with his order. She stood in the hall and stared back for several long seconds. Then she returned to her apartment, making sure to slam the door again and to lock it. Once inside, she thought about what she should do as she waited for someone to come and talk to her.

  She decided to get dressed. Lauren showered quickly, brushed her fuzzy teeth, straightened her wild hair, and put on clean clothes. Next, at the urging of her growling stomach, she raided the kitchen for food. She managed to find a microwave meal and some bottled tea. At last, she was groomed and fed, but she was still waiting for someone to come and talk with her as she had requested.

  Lauren was standing in the kitchen, debating whether or not she should open a bag of chips, when there was a knock at the door. Angry that whoever had finally shown up had kept her waiting so long, she did not answer it. Apparently, it didn’t matter, since after the third knock a key was used to open the door. Estella walked in.

  Instead of greeting her, Lauren asked, “So was Graham afraid to come and talk to me?”

  “Good morning to you, too,” Estella replied. “No, he wasn’t afraid. He’s just busy. As the public face of ENL, he has a lot of duties.” Estella slowly closed the door behind herself and walked further into the apartment as she talked to Lauren. She took a seat on the sofa, never taking her eyes off of Lauren. “I’m here. So let’s talk.”

  “Where’s Kyle? Who came into my room while I slept? And was anything done to me?” Lauren felt it best to get her main questions out at once.