The Heaviness of Knowing

by Sharolyn G. Brown

  When everyone was in position, Edo counted down using his fingers and Nawad and Gerig began firing together. There was so much noise that Roxal could not tell if the skirmish was going well for them or not. Edo then got low and dove into the hallway. From the floor, he fired his weapon several times. “Gerig, some of them are leaving. I will cover you while you go after them.”

  Gerig walked into the hallway, continuing to fire his weapon. He walked towards the assumed location of the control room, out of Roxal’s line of sight. As she waited to find out what would happen next, she turned to glance down the hall. Thankfully, she did because two Reps were coming from behind. They did not have weapons in hand, but Roxal knew they were not coming to help.

  “Edo!” she called out as she raised her small weapon and fired at them both.

  Multiple rounds of energy shot from the weapon as she continuously fired it. In fact, Roxal did not stop firing until someone touched her outstretched arms. She turned to see Edo standing beside her.

  “You can stop now. They are dead,” he said.

  She looked back in the direction in which she had been shooting, and sure enough, the two men’s bodies were crumpled on the floor. She looked at Edo again, who took the weapon out of her shaking hands.

  “You are safe now, Roxal. I know this is a lot for you, but we have a mission to complete. I need you to stay strong for just a little while longer. We are almost done.”

  “Almost done,” she repeated and nodded.

  Nawad was now also standing beside her. She placed her hands on Roxal’s shoulders and guided her to the control room. When they arrived at the door, Gerig was holding the hand of an injured gold-dressed man on the access panel. The door opened and they all entered.

  “Place his hand on the access panel here,” Edo instructed.

  Gerig jerked the man over to the location Edo had identified and placed his hand on a rectangular surface. The control panel activated, giving them full access to the system.

  “Please do not kill me,” the man begged.

  It took some time, but Roxal finally realized what the man had realized. Now that they had access to the control room and the console within it, he was likely expendable.

  But Gerig did not kill the man. Instead, he sat him in a chair in the corner and trained his weapon on him. “If you move or give me a reason to, I will end your life. But if you sit calmly, you may survive this.”

  The man did not say anything. He merely sat in the chair whimpering.

  This control room was set up nearly identical to the one they had just left. Edo found another chair, which he sat beside the fixed chair that he would use while accessing the panel. Nawad directed Roxal to her chair and pushed down slightly on her shoulders. Roxal plopped into the chair. She was beginning to feel sick and was not sure she could continue.

  Edo turned towards her. “Roxal, my mate,” he said as he caressed her face with his hand. “We only need to connect once more, then we are done. I know you have the strength to do it. It is time to link with Lauren again.”

  Roxal opened her mouth to reply, but instead of words coming out, a wail was the only sound she could make. Tears fell from her eyes and she collapsed onto Edo’s shoulder.

  “It is okay. You made a hard decision, but it was the only one you could make. They would not have allowed us to live. Yes, you did take the lives of two people, but you have saved the four lives in this room and countless other lives here on Trebor and on Earth.”

  She wanted to stop the tears, but she could not. Edo did not push her away; instead, he allowed her to continue crying. “I know what you are feeling. I felt the same way the first time I took a life. And we will help you deal with it. But right now, we all need you to stay on mission. Can you do that?”

  The tears lessened, and Roxal began to feel as if she was in control again. She nodded repeatedly into Edo’s shoulder. He gently pushed her away and lowered his head to make eye contact with her downturned face. “Good job. We are almost done.”

  Roxal used the back of her hands to wipe her wet and snotty face. She sat back into the chair and closed her eyes. However, her emotions were out of balance. She knew it was a mixture of feeling regret and futility that allowed her to link with Lauren. And though she was now feeling much regret, she was also feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. She opened her eyes and saw Edo watching her.

  “You can do this,” was all he said.

  She closed her eyes again and took slow, deep breaths. Instead of thinking of the two dead Reps in the hall, Roxal instead thought of her other interactions with Reps. She thought of the day at Glorious Session when Jonar had been dragged onto the platform and mercilessly killed with several other people. She thought of the Rep that had interrogated her while she was recovering from her injuries. She thought of all of the times the Reps had made her fear them, and the guilt began to lessen.

  Then she thought of what the Resistors would do now. Just taking control of this one compound would not stop The Keepers, wherever they were. This may be a successful mission, but then what? Her guilt lessened more, allowing her to feel the futility of this situation and the regret over taking lives. This was what she needed to get back into the dreamscape.

  Once she had reestablished the connection, Lauren stood as she walked towards her. The dreamscape still looked like Lauren’s lab, though it was hazy.

  “Roxal, are you okay? You feel, I don’t know. Something feels like it’s off with you.”

  “I am as well as can be expected,” she answered. She could not talk about what had happened with Lauren for fear of losing the link. “We are in the other control room and Edo is in position. What do we need to do to reset the connection?”

  “First, you must find the network control center. When you’ve found it, you must then find the terminal connection and disconnect from the main terminal,” Lauren said getting back to the mission and, thankfully not trying to force Roxal to tell her what had happened.

  “First you must find the network control center,” Roxal began with a shaky voice. Her emotional instability was affecting her link.

  “Roxal,” Edo interrupted, “many lives depend on what we are doing now. You have to calm yourself and do this.”

  Roxal nodded in response to Edo, not sure if he was watching her or not. He, of course, was right. This was no time for her emotions to run wild. She took a few deep breaths and realized what she needed to do. She needed to revert back to herself from before she knew the truth. The version of herself that was not allowed to feel. The version which only followed orders like a good and faithful Citizen. And her orders were to do whatever was needed to deploy the Resistor virus on The Keepers’ network.

  As the feeling of detachment came over her, Roxal noticed the link to Lauren strengthen. The fogginess disappeared and part of the control room where Roxal was working, again, appeared in the dreamscape. But instead of Edo and the console reappearing, only her chair reappeared.

  Lauren looked around. “This is better. I was afraid I was going to lose you. But, you feel strange. Are you okay?”

  “Repeat the instructions,” was Roxal’s only reply.

  “Okay,” Lauren said before repeating what she had said before.

  “First, you must find the network control center. When you have found it, you must then find the terminal connection and disconnect it from the main terminal,” Roxal relayed to Edo.

  “I have found the network control center and I have terminated the connection,” Edo reported after some time. “Now what?”

  Roxal relayed the question and then the response. “Restart the system. During the boot process, you should be asked to restore the connection. Follow the instructions to do so.”

  “Restarting now,” Edo said.

  Roxal then heard Edo call out to Gerig. “I need the captive’s authorization to complete the restoration of the connection.”

  She did not hear Gerig say anything. Instead, she heard the grunting and whimpering of
the prisoner as he was, presumably, forced to give his authorization. Once that was done, the process must have continued without any problems because Edo did not say anything for a while.

  Finally, she heard Edo talking.

  “Pruda, check to determine if your drive is connected. In the lower right corner of the display, you should see a box. Select it and a menu will open.” Edo paused. Roxal assumed he was listening to her reply on the inner ear comm device.

  “Now, in that menu, you will see network control center. Access that and check the status. What does it say?”

  There was more silence. Finally Edo said, “Roxal, it is connected. I will instruct her to deploy the virus.”

  As Roxal relayed this news to Lauren, she could hear Edo tell Pruda, “Exit that menu and go back into the root directory. There you will see a program named RESIST. Activate it and the virus should deploy.”

  Again, there was silence. Roxal waited, hoping everything would work and that there would be no problems. In the dreamscape, Lauren was now standing beside her, holding her hand.

  Edo cried out unexpectedly and Roxal started. She was about to tell Lauren she had to go when Edo yelled, “Tell them it worked. The virus is uploading! We were successful!”

  Lauren hugged her when Roxal told her the good news. She continued hugging Roxal as she told the people in the room on Earth with her.

  “I’m so happy for you. Time to celebrate!” Lauren smiled and danced around the dreamscape.

  Roxal smiled in return but did not join in on the dancing. “It is not yet time for us to celebrate. We own the compound electronically. Now it is time to take control physically. Thank you, Lauren. I will contact you when I can. It will likely be at least three scheduled connections before I can meet with you again. If the universe wills it, you will see me then.”

  “Good bye, Roxal. Please make it back safely.”

  Lauren’s pleading words were still ringing in her ears as she broke the link and fully returned to her world. The fight was not over on Trebor.

  ***

  Some time had passed since Roxal had exited the dreamscape and returned to her reality. After making sure the virus had uploaded, Edo had once again broken the connection between the compound and the Reps’ main terminal. Now he was keeping watch on the man they had captured, and Roxal was still sitting in the same chair, trying her best not to think about what she would see once she left the control room.

  Overall, she had been able to maintain her detachment after she broke the link and refrain from crying or breaking down into an emotional mess. The only time she had come close to losing control was when Gerig and Nawad were saying they were leaving the control room to join the fight with the other Resistors. For a moment, she had feared Edo was going to go with them. Instead, he had chosen to stay behind and watch the prisoner.

  After Gerig and Nawad had left, Edo had allowed her to sit in silence. Though on occasion, he would walk over to where she was sitting and silently observe her. Right now, Roxal just wanted to be done with all of this: the Keepers, the Reps, the Resistors, Earth. She just wanted the chance to do something with her life that did not involve risking it.

  Loud, booming banging on the door broke her silent reverie. Roxal jumped, and sat up straight in the chair, gripping the seat. “Edo, we have returned,” a muffled voice said on the other side.

  Edo commanded the prisoner to go to the door and open it. He did so without hesitation. The door opened and Roxal watched as Nawad and Gerig walked in.

  “The fighting is all but done. There are a few small pockets of fighters left, but we now control this compound.”

  Roxal loosened her grip on the chair and slumped back. Weariness and exhaustion like she had never experienced before began to overtake her. Not having the strength to do anything, she welcomed the darkness.

  CHAPTER 43

  Lauren pressed send on the email before going to meditate. She wanted to make sure her new partner, Cain, received her response to his email about her next assignment. She had not heard from Roxal since the battle and was concerned about her friend. It had been over two days since they had linked and she was anxious to connect with her. She went into her new apartment’s second bedroom, her meditation room, and sat on her yoga mat.

  When she transitioned into the dreamscape, she was happy to see it had taken the form of a beach she had once visited on vacation with Kyle. She had purchased a beach-themed meditation soundtrack to test whether she could shape the environment of the dreamscape at will. She felt a great sense of pride that her little experiment was successful. Within the shaded tree line was her purple and green chair and a table. The only thing missing now was Roxal. Lauren took a seat in her incongruous chair and watched the ebb and flow of the waves on her remembered beach. It was bright, but there was no sun actually present.

  Lauren was enjoying the sound of the waves when she heard Roxal’s voice.

  “Hello, Lauren.”

  She turned to see her friend standing in the sun several feet away from her and smiled.

  “Roxal, you’re here. I was beginning to get worried.” Lauren felt the sensation of tears rolling down her cheek, though when she wiped her face in the dreamscape it was dry.

  She stood and walked over to her friend slowly. Though she knew it was only a mental projection of Roxal, she appeared so fragile that Lauren was afraid to make any sudden moves.

  “Yes. I am here. The battle was hard. I am still recovering.”

  “Recovering? Did you get injured?”

  “Not physically.”

  Lauren nodded. “How is Edo?” she asked and hoped nothing had happened to him.

  “He is well. He has been with me since the battle. I...” Roxal stopped talking.

  Lauren did not push for her to continue. Through the link, she could feel that there was an uneasiness Roxal was feeling. Lauren wanted to make being in the link as easy for Roxal as she could.

  “Why don’t we sit down? You can talk to me about whatever you want.” Lauren took Roxal’s hand and led her to where she had been sitting before.

  For Roxal’s chair, she conjured a cushioned beach chair. Roxal looked at it skeptically before taking a seat. From her reclined position, she closed her eyes and Lauren felt a wave of sadness emanate from her.

  “There was so much death. I killed two people myself. I have never taken a life before. In fact, I feared the Reps and thought them barbarous for doing so. What does this say about me?” Roxal did not open her eyes as she spoke.

  “To me, it says you’re a survivor. It says you’re strong enough to do whatever you need to do to survive. From what you’ve told me about the Reps, they were barbarous. They didn’t kill to survive, they killed to control, to instill fear, or because they wanted to. That’s not you. And you know it. In fact, the way you’re feeling right now says volumes about you. Do you think the Reps felt guilt or sadness over any of the lives they took?”

  Roxal didn’t say anything. She just lay there with her eyes closed, and Lauren understood. She had no idea what Roxal had been through. She also knew that no matter how much she wished to the contrary, there were no magic words she could say to make everything better. But one thing she could do was show up for Roxal with no expectations or requirements. She would show up for her Roxal and allow her to just be.

  Roxal sat on the beach chair without speaking. Then she said, “I should leave now. I have been tasked with working with those from the compound who do not believe the Resistors. I thank you for what you have said, and I will think about it. I will see you at our next scheduled link time.”

  “Okay, bye,” Lauren replied, wishing she could do something, anything, for her friend.

  ***

  Roxal opened her eyes back in her reality. She had hoped linking with Lauren would help her. Through no fault of Lauren’s, it had not. She was overwhelmed with guilt over the lives she had taken. Edo had told her, repeatedly, that she had no choice but to kill the Reps. And though she knew
it was true, she still felt no less guilty.

  Before going to meet with the first small group of “True Believers,” she decided to visit the Medics’ section of her old compound. As she walked through the halls, a sense of unease grew and grew. She wondered if she would ever get used to being back in her old compound.

  After the battle was over, many of the members of the attack force had remained in the newly liberated compound. The first helio following the end of the battle had been spent taking inventory of everything. Rodan had overseen it personally. She then began assigning all of those who had fought living quarters. Roxal and Edo had received quarters that once again contained a grooming corner just for them.

  In the Medics’ section, there were injured people all over the place receiving varying levels of medical care. She made her way through the mass of bodies to a man lying in a recovery unit. When she had stopped in to see him before, he was unconscious. She reached down and touched his frail arm. She did not know what had happened to him before they had arrived, but whatever it was, it was not good. Using the hand signal language, she signed trust.

  Quarx rolled his head towards her and opened his eyes. Then, with trembling lips, he smiled at her and said, “Thank you,” in a raspy voice.

  Roxal smiled. His simple words finally made her feel something other than guilt.

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